Entries Tagged as ''

Here’s a Riddle For You

What’s worse than having a grumpy, constantly whining child?

A grumpy, constantly whining child AND a sick, constantly whining husband.

Before I complain too much, I will say that Tate was actually quite sick. He sounded like there was an elephant sitting on his chest. And the things he coughed up. Oh. My. Gawd. Not that I saw it, but, dude, I heard it.

And Peanut? I don’t know what was up his ass, but damn, did he ever whine. In actuality, it probably wasn’t something up his ass, but something in his mouth. Like teeth. That’s just a guess.

First there were the temper tantrums (from both of my darling “children”).

“I’m going to take more medicine, two Tylenol Cold & Sinus isn’t enough”, says Tate.
“No, that’s a bad idea. You don’t f*ck with Acetaminophen. Seriously, it could make you very sick”, says the voice of reason (yes, me).

A Tate tirade followed. Something about me not knowing what I’m talking about. (Right.)

“Peanut it is time to go inside. It’s hot and Mommy’s tired.”

A Peanut tirade followed. Something about “aaah, dada, bada mama, no, aaaaah.”

Then there were the unreasonable responses to simple questions.

“Can we NOT order onions on the pizza next time?”, I ask.

Tate, flipping out, says “YOU CAN ORDER WHATEVER YOU WANT, I ASKED YOU WHAT YOU WANTED AND….”. I’ll stop there. I don’t need to relive it.

“Peanut, do you want some milk?”, I ask.

Peanut, flipping out, screams.

Luckily redirection worked when times got tough.

“Look Tate, it’s Modern Marvels! It’s about airplanes, ooh, you like airplanes”, I suggest during a whining about who-knows-what session.

He becomes quiet and settles in watching his favorite show.

“Look Peanut, it’s Blues Clues! Can you help Steve find the clues? Ooh, I bet you can!”, I suggest during a whining about who-knows-what session.

He becomes quiet and settles in watching his favorite show.

I’ve never been so relieved that it’s Monday morning. At least I’ll have only one whiner to deal with today. And I can always put him in his room.

Warning!!! A much needed tirade/tantrum of my own is coming after a weekend like this one. WARNING!!!!

I HATE onions on pizza and I’m NEVER eating anymore damn pizza with onions on it. If you want onions, order them on the side and put them ON the pizza so I can quit picking them OFF the pizza. And, Kia, cashier at Walmart, when someone says hello, you say hello back. Jerk. Have I mentioned before that I’m pregnant. Well I am. And uncomfortable and leaking at the boobs and swelling at the feet and kicked in the ribs and tired and weepy. If the bathrooms are too dirty for you, then clean them yourself. Same goes for the coffee table and the kitchen floor and the laundry room and the office. If I have to watch one more stinkin’ minute of the History Channel…well, lets just say it won’t be pretty. And stop rolling your toybox out of your playroom or I’m going to smash the wheels on it. I DON’T CARE if you eat it or not! It’s not poison, it’s ham. HAM! And just what the hell are my neighbors doing on such a beautiful day in the afternoon. Get your asses outside and enjoy the weather. Chat with your neighbors.

Uh, sorry. I needed to get that off my chest. I forgot that you were here.

Carry on. Don’t mind me.

Tags: Little Monkeys, Men? by Jennifer
16 Comments »

Liquor Makes an Excellent Baby Shower Gift

Last night, while sipping my limeade-arita, Tate and I started talking about the upcoming birth of our daughter, Petunia. The conversation was filled with all sorts of mushy mumbo jumbo about how excited we are to meet her, see her, and smell her newborn smell. I gushed about dressing her in cute wittle dwesses and Tate wondered if she’d be a Daddy’s girl.

During our conversation we kept hearing a chirping like sounds coming from our neighbor’s house. Being the nosy neighbors that we are (this is a post for later), we went around the side of the house to see a gaggle of middle school age girls practicing cheerleading. Apparently try-outs are soon and they were all practicing the routine.

It’s been 20 years since I tried out for cheerleading. It’s taken 20 years to get over the horror of not even making first cuts. I DIDN’T EVEN MAKE FIRST CUTS. Only the losers didn’t make first cuts.

I remember almost every detail of the tryouts. The night before the big day, I heard that it was important to wear the school colors which were black and red. Nothing in my closet was suitable, all I had was an ugly, baggy red sweater and ratty black shorts. I begged and pleaded with my Mom to go out and get me something proper to wear.

I wore the red sweater and black shorts. (I don’t think I’ve ever fully forgiven my Mom for this…but, this is another post for later.)

My permed, frizzy, horrendous hair was carefully tamed into a clip. I was sadly dressed in my school spirit colors (Go Generals!). We were paired up to go out and do the routine in front of the judges. I was paired with my best friend. We were given a few minutes to practice.

I had completely forgotten the routine. My best friend tried to quickly reteach it to me. There was no time. They called our names. We ran onto the floor, hooting and hollering, cart-wheeling and grinning so big you’d have thought we had Vaseline on our teeth (we did).

My hair clip fell out during the first part of the routine. Instead of ignoring it, I ran to grab the clip and try to put it back in my hair while still doing what I remembered of the routine. My sweater made me sweat. I suddenly couldn’t kick my leg in the air like a cheerleader and instead looked like I was karate kicking.

The tryout did not go well (obviously). In fact, I never tried out for anything ever again. EVER.

I’m going to have to go through all of this again…with Petunia. My heart will break for her to see her disappointment if she doesn’t make “it”. Whatever “it” she chooses. I pray she has better coordination than her Mom. And better hair. I’ll see to it that she has better clothes.

I suddenly wasn’t enjoying my limeade-arita. It would’ve tasted (and felt) much better with a touch of tequila. It sure is fun and heartwarming to think about the ooey gooey goodness of new babies. Thinking about adolescence requires liquor.

Tags: Little Monkeys, Mommydom by Jennifer
18 Comments »

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Posting

The makers of the Ronco Rotisserie Oven, Windsor Pilates, Nads Hair Removal, and the Gazelle Glider…offer a NEW, EXCITING, NOVEL, TIME SAVING way to read blogs!

Google Reader/Feedburner/Bloglines..!! (Or many other reader type thingys…)

Hi! I’m Jennifer from Playgroups Are No Place For Children. When the people from [insert reader thingy here] approached me and asked me to talk about their product, I was skeptical. Was this for me? Would I want to be associated with such a product? Why is my butt so itchy?

Then, I tried it! And what can I say? I can say, “scratch my ass and call me Lucy”…I’m hooked!

For only 27 payments of $0 dollars, you too, can enjoy the benefits of this terrific service! No more tears wasted when your blogging crushes haven’t updated. No more bruised index fingers from going through everyone in the blogrolls. The [insert reader thingy here] does all the hard work for you!

Folks, it’s really not too good to be true. My life has changed for the better. I actually have time for my son now! And for cleaning! And devising the Perfect Post! And feeding my ever growing addiction! Come on! What are you waiting for?!

Do you have 34,721 blogs to read each day? Does it take you hours to go through your blogroll and other’s blogrolls to keep up-to-date on all the latest posts? Well then [insert reader thingy here] is for you! It only takes minutes to subscribe, and the time saved is time you can add to your LIFE!

Seriously, it’s free! It’s a time saver! It is a truly wonderful way to not forget any of my favorite bloggers! Why don’t you join up, too?!

Subscribe in the next 10 minutes to [insert reader thingy here] and you’ll receive a bonus gift. Please allow 6-8 decades for delivery of bonus gift.

Hurry!! Act Now!! The first 5 new subscribers to [insert reader thingy here] will get a cash back bonus!! (Women and men are not eligible to receive the cash back bonus.)

Disclaimer: [Insert reader thingy here] and Jennifer are not responsible for adding to your blogging addiction. They are not responsible for any expenses incurred when having to check into “The Betty” or for your childrens’ therapy session due to Abandonment Secondary to Parental Blog Addiction Disorder. This was an unpaid endorsement. Subscribing to a reader is no excuse for lazy commenting. Commenting is a must. Please don’t forget to check Jennifer’s comments over and over so that her site meter will artificially show LOTS and LOTS of visitors. Also, the comments are usually the funniest part.

Now back to your regularly scheduled blogging book-a-long below….

Tags: blogging by Jennifer
11 Comments »

It’s the End of the Book as We Know It

Welcome back for my final installment of the blogging book-a-long on 1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Thomas Phelan.

The final section of this book is all about how to strengthen your relationship with your child(ren). Self-esteem, overparenting, affection, praise, listening, and one-on-one time are all discussed.

I really liked that Dr. Phelan reminded me that self-esteem is “a by-product of a life well-lived.” This means that self-esteem comes from social, work, physical, and character competence. And you can’t have these competentencies with an obnoxious, misbehaving kiddo. So I guess one “reward” for the hard work we as parents put into raising our children with discipline is a well-adjusted, happy child.

The chapter on overparenting made me laugh, uncomfortably, because I completely saw myself saying and doing some of the things he discussed. Overparenting is pointing out the obvious to our kids, not letting them work out problems independently, and making issues out of “trivial” issues.

Dr. Phelan also reminded us parents of the utmost importance of doling out affection and praise. Instead of only pointing out negatives, we should make every effort to also point out and praise the positives. Sounds easy enough, but in a day bogged down with nagging, meal prep, diaper changes, and everythingelsemothersdoonadailybasis, we tend to forget to say the good things. I will try my best NOT to forget this advice.

I think this book is a great read and full of great advice. I don’t think it’s implementation will be easy, Dr. Phelan never said that it was. The no talking/no emotion rule is a toughy. The consistency will be difficult to maintain. However, for my sanity and my child(ren)’s well-being I think it will be worth it.

Thanks again to Kristen at The Mom Trap for suggesting this blogging book-a-long. The next book is Protecting the Gift. I think I’ll participate in this one, too. It’s about keeping our kids safe. I can’t even watch news segments or read anything about a child being hurt, or read Parents magazine, but I’ll give this book a shot. I think this is a MUST READ.

Tags: I Still Have the Smarts Real Good, Little Monkeys, Mommydom by Jennifer
No Comments »

Bags and Shoes Make Jennifer a Happy Girl

Thanks for indulging me yesterday on my “all about me day!” Talk about narcissism!

For not really looking forward to my birthday this year, it turned out really nice. Well not THIS nice, but seriously, that was an impossible fantasy! Actually, part of my fantasy came true…

Tate went to work late yesterday morning so that I wouldn’t have to get up at 5:15. (He goes to work EARRRRRRRRLY). Very thoughtful. He lovingly presented me with a cake he decorated himself. He was very proud of his masterpiece. It was a very nice surprise. And!!! He presented me with a gift certificate for a Mother-to-be massage and a pedicure at the Grand Hotel Spa in Point Clear, AL (score 1 for fantasies!!). He even said that I should go shopping in Fairhope after my pampering day. For those of you that don’t know (that would probably be MOST of you) , Fairhope is this really quaint, upscale town filled with antiques stores, boutiques, artsy fartsy shops, and cafes. It’s a lovely place to walk around and browse the shops.

My in-laws are vacationing in Puerto Vallarta right now and said my gift would be something they find in Mexico. Hope it’s not Mexican water. Or tequila.

I got some money from my parents and Grandma for my birthday. And it was burning a whole in my wallet. And it was a perfect 75 degree, sunny, no wind day, stupid to sit inside reading blogs all day kinda day. So, I packed up Peanut in my non-Parents magazine approved vehicle and we headed off to TJ Maxx. Woo hoo! Peanut actually cooperated with the stroller and my bladder didn’t demand to be emptied every two minutes! Obviously, they knew I was coming! It was a good shopping day. Hey, not just good, spectacular!

Looky what I got!

Yes, it’s Ralph Lauren! Aren’t you impressed? I am! Guess how much I paid? Give up? $29.99! You read that right! $29.99!!

It’s going to be my hospital bag! A completely unnecessary purchase (which makes it even better)! How shallow am I?

You like my new shoes?!! They’re wedges. I feel so trendy! Oh yeah, and they’re Born. I know, my high style shoes are oh so impressive!

I also found some cute washcloths and a pink photo album for Petunia pictures, and a book on Trucks for Peanut. I didn’t take a picture, there wasn’t any name brand dropping to be done here.

Tate came home early so we could go out to dinner. We even went to an Italian joint, which is NOT carb friendly for my carb nazi husband. Another very kind thing for Tate to do. (Who is this man and what did he do with my husband!?) And there were lots of leftovers so I don’t have to figure out what’s for lunch today! Yay!

Other than being OLD and having Dora’s song “backpack, backpack…” in my head all day, it was a fine day indeed. Actually, I had my own version stuck in my head all day…”back fat, back fat…”

Tags: Lucky Me by Jennifer
17 Comments »

Casey Kasem Counts ‘Em Down

Here are 100 things I betcha didn’t know about me. This is going to be a loooooooooooooong list. Stick with me. It’s my birthday. This is my gift to you. You’re most welcome.

1. I used to rotate my undies in my drawer so that none of them would get left out. I don’t do it anymore because I realized how odd a thing to do this was.
2. I’ve watched General Hospital since I was in preschool.
3. I would love to meet the people who visit my blog. Seriously. Let’s get together.
4. At this time, I’m convinced that I do not want anymore children. I’ve even gotten the names of several urologists in town. I can’t be pregnant again. I’m done.
5. Fire and car accidents are two ways in which I’m terrified of dying.
6. I’ve never been much of a rule breaker. I like rules. They make me feel safe.
7. In new social sitations, I’m either the life of the party or a wallflower. There is no inbetween.
8. I enjoy vacuuming.
9. Baseball is my favorite sport to watch. Basketball is my least favorite sport, period.
10. I live in a very small town, but it’s nothing like Stars Hollow on Gilmore Girls. I wish it was even a smidge like Stars Hollow.

11. Going to the library is one of the most fun things that I do. I feel like I’ve spent money when I’ve checked out a book, but it was FREE!!! (I like the feeling of spending money…even if it’s imaginary.)
12. One of my best memories is from 8th grade and sneaking out of my friend’s house. We went and hung out with two cute guys at the stadium at the high school. It was a perfect night.
13. I catch myself doing and saying things that sound like my mother. I hate that. It wouldn’t bother me if I was mimicking her good traits.
14. I prefer not to eat at chain restaurants for dinner.
15. I have no idea how an I-Pod works.
16. Southern Living is my favorite magazine. I don’t enjoy reading the gardening section. I sometimes like the interior design articles. Mostly I love the travel and recipe sections.
17. I’ve crossed the border into Mexico once. Spring Break the year I turned 21. The only other place out of the US that I’ve traveled, is the Bahamas. I’d love to go to Canada.
18. I would like to take a cake decorating class and a creative writing class. I would also like to learn to play golf and become a runner. I have no interest in learning any martial arts.
19. I am confused by people who don’t laugh often. Personally, I horse laugh at every opportunity.
20. When I was a kid, I hated my nose. I don’t hate it anymore. Now I hate my thighs.

21. The thought of going back to a paid job scares the pants off of me.
22. My kitchen is small and therefore everything must be put in it’s assigned spot. If it’s not, then drawers don’t close, cabinets don’t shut, and the Earth fails to spin correctly nearly causing the Apocalypse.
23. I have very knobby knees.
24. I wonder how many of my friends that I’ve told about my blog have ever visited?
25. The movie “The Day After” about nuclear war gave me nightmares as a child. It still gives me nightmares.
26. I have very specific views on parenting. I do not, however, think that everyone should feel the way I do. Nor do I think I should be judged for my views.
27. I don’t have a favorite dessert. I could take dessert or leave it.
28. My New Years Resolution was to give up holding grudges. It has been very freeing.
29. The only thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a teacher. I wish that I’d been encouraged to research other possibilities.
30. I love going to wineries to drink, hang out with friends, eat cheese, and listen to music.

31. I buy mostly generic products. One major exception, canned tomatoes. Only the name brand stuff for me.
32. Dog hair may be the death of me.
33. Most of my house is decorated in things purchased for me by my MIL. This is a good thing.
34. Speaking of “good things”, I hope I never meet Martha Stewart.
35. I see a boob job in my future.
36. I love the beach, except for the sand. In my crack.
37. Getting “real” mail excites me beyond belief.
38. Purses and shoes and make-up make me giddy. Hey, I’m a female. What did you expect?
39. Pilates is awesome. Not so much right now.
40. If someone I knew was thrown in the slammer, I would have no idea how to go about bailing them out. It is not something I want to know.

41. Uggs are uggly. So are Crocs.
42. A bike tour through Napa Valley sounds like a fun day trip. It’s not.
43. I have shot two guns in my life. At targets, not at people.
44. I was bullied in elementary school. I think this experience shaped me.
45. I have food safety issues. Much to the chagrin of my husband.
46. I married my husband, Tate on July 14, 2001. We had a fantastic wedding.
47. Although I don’t fully know why, I’d really like to have a Blackberry.
48. Reading a great book fills me with joy.
49. I’m not a huge fan of reality TV.
50. If I could manage a pedicure weekly, I would.

51. My Mom’s due date with me was February 18. I was born March 20.
52. When I was born, the doctor used forceps, squeezed too hard, cracked my skull, and broke the stapes bone in my ear. I’m feeling much better now. Thank you for your concern.
53. My third grade teacher once told me I was acting like a kindergartener after getting stung by a bee. I’ve only recently forgiven her.
54. I worry alot about money.
55. My favorite part of the day is going to check on Peanut before I go to bed.
56. I don’t really enjoy going to see movies at theaters. Once in a while is alright, I just wouldn’t want to do it very often.
57. I discovered a love for college football, especially SEC football, when living in Knoxville. I especially love the marching band.
58. I’ve lived in Wichita, KS; Houston, TX; Tulsa, OK; Springfield, MO; Knoxville, TN; Decatur, IL; and my current location…LA.
59. I hope that my family and I are able to take yearly vacations.
60. My favorite breakfast is anything I didn’t cook.

61. I had an aversion to ice during my first pregnancy.
62. Controversy and confrontation makes me nervous.
63. I LOVE surprises!
64. It’s possible that I like Blue’s Clues more than my son. Don’t judge me ’til you watched it yourself. It’s a very good show.
65. My favorite movie is Love Actually.
66. I don’t like ketchup on my hamburgers, hot dogs, or corn dogs. Mustard is a must, however.
67. I’ve never had my eyebrows waxed or anything else for that matter. I guess you could say that I’m wax curious.
68. I would love to live in a city where public transportation is a way of life.
69. My cooking specialty is Eggplant Rollups.
70. Tylenol does not work for me. I’m Ibuprofen all the way.

71. I love eating at restaurants where I can be seated outdoors. Except when it’s cold. Or there are lots of mosquitos.
72. Jagermeister almost killed me.
73. I have no desire to white water raft, snow ski, bungee jump, hang glide, eat “Fear Factor” type “foods”, or swim with sharks. Adventure is NOT my middle name.
74. My dream vacation would include a trip to Hawaii and a private hut on the beach.
75. I like pina coladas, but I don’t like getting caught in the rain.
76. I am a yeller. It’s something I’m working on.
77. New Year’s Eve is the most overrated of all holidays.
78. I enjoy taking baths. I especially enjoy reading a magazine in the bath. Even better if the tub is jetted.
79. I think that Faith Hill is one of the most beautiful women in the world.
80. Brad Pitt is from my hometown. That makes me special.

81. I don’t know why, but I love “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills” on MTV.
82. I enjoy talk radio.
83. My stomach, when I’m not pregnant, is my best feature.
84. I don’t have any, nor do I want any, tattoos. I do like looking at other’s tattoos, though.
85. My husband and I often get terrible service in restaurants. We’ve never said anything to the manager.
86. I absolutely love the Harry Potter books. I can’t believe that there is only one book left.
87. The best vacation I ever had, was to Washington D.C.
88. I couldn’t sleep at night in the summer without a ceiling fan.
89. I lived alone for one year. It’s one of the best things I ever did for myself.
90. Are you still reading this!? Just 10 more to go, good for you!

91. My favorite beer is Guinness.
92. My fingernails grow very, very quickly.
93. My wedding ring is my favorite possession.
94. I love the sound of crickets in the summertime.
95. I have fantasies about having elaborate dinner parties. Maybe someday.
96. I love going for drives in the country.
97. I wish I could have gone with Alton Brown on his motorcycle/eating adventure. Well, actually, not on a motorcycle, a limo would have been better.
98. I shave my big toes.
99. Someday I hope to have a cleaning service come to my home.
100. I am glad I’m finished with this list.

Tags: Quirky Me by Jennifer
32 Comments »

I’m Sending My Therapy Bill to Parents Magazine


Before I tell you all the gory details included in the the April 2007 edition of Parents magazine, let me just say that I don’t have my head in the sand and I’m not a big follower of “ignorance is bliss.” It’s just that I don’t need to know every possible scenario in which harm could come to my child. I worry plenty as it is. Also, I canceled my subscription several months ago, but they keep sending me these damn horror magazines. I feel guilty not reading a magazine that’s sitting around and once I start reading, I JUST CAN’T STOP. I desperately want to look away, but I CAN’T.

Let’s just take a little tour of the magazine. Page 31, Sippy cup advice. I’m apparently going to rot every tooth out of my child’s head because I let him drink juice and milk out of a sippy cup. “Kids should start learning how to use a regular cup at 12 months.” Who the hell does this? Am I the only one who’s just willing to let those pearly whites rot so as not to have stains everywhere? Strike one against moi.

(Just a mere three pages later) Page 34, “My Son’s Hand Got Stuck in a Vacuum Cleaner.” Kids + vacuuming = Bad idea. Peanut’s almost favorite plaything is the vacuum. Strike two.

Same page…When to Toss It (as in leftovers). Let me just say that I’m a food safety nut. After reading the recommended life spans of several foods, I’m shocked that I haven’t sent my family to an early grave with botulism or Bubonic plague. Strike three.

Page 42, Myths related to safety. Holy shit. We can’t win. Danger lurks everywhere, even when we’re watching them, there’s no safety in numbers, they aren’t safer at home, helmets don’t really prevent injuries…blah, blah, freaking blah. Look, I KNOW how dangerous life is, again, I don’t need to know EVERY POSSIBLE WAY my child can (and most likely will) be harmed. Strike four.

Page 79, Best Family Cars. My Honda Pilot didn’t make the list so I’m sure it’s a death machine. And a gas hog. Strike five and six.

Page 96, Candy or Medicine? Sports drinks look like window cleaner and apple juice looks like air freshener. Luckily, I don’t store drinks with cleaners or toys in the medicine cabinet. No strikes against me here!!! Yay! I got one!!!

Page 118, Easter crafts. Only Martha F*cking Stewart would attempt these. Screw you, Parents Magazine. Who has time for these things!? Strike seven. Damn. And I was on a roll.

Alright, you get the picture. I’m not a big fan of Parents magazine. But, I’m an equal opportunity offender and I really despise ALL parenting magazines. They can all kiss my ass.

Tags: Little Monkeys, Mommydom by Jennifer
15 Comments »

« Previous Page — Next Page »