playgroupsarenoplaceforchildren

My 32nd birthday is coming up and I have planned a complete fantasy day in my head. There are as many hours in my fantasy day as I deem necessary in order to fit in all that I wish to do.

Oh and by the way, I’m totally tan in this fantasy, having just returned from a week long vacation in Hawaii where the sun’s rays have suddenly become healthy. No skin cancer looming here. Also, I have thin hips and thighs. And a tight stomach. Oh yeah, and my legs are long.

The day would begin after I’d been allowed to sleep in (this has happened once since Peanut was born). I’d shower and head off for my day at the spa. At the salon, I’d be treated to a haircut and color, a full-body massage, pedicure, and manicure. Actually, I’d really like to get a Brazillian wax, too, but I’m a little scared. Hey, this is my fantasy so I’m getting one and it doesn’t hurt!

Next, I’d be on my way to lunch with my Mom, MIL, and SIL at Miss Aimee B’s in St. Charles, MO. Mmmm, I’d order chicken salad and I’d have an iced tea (unsweetened…I don’t like for my straw to be suspended in my tea…I’m not an official southerner). Oooh and a brownie. With walnuts. I’d eat my delectable lunch outside in the courtyard.

After eating, I’d head out shopping. There would be no traffic or crowds, and no salespeople except when I really needed them. I think I’d be shopping on Michigan Avenue in Chicago. Everything would be on sale and they’d always have my size (a two! don’t I look fab?). I’d find a great outfit, complete with shoes, lingerie, and accessories for my evening out with my friends.

I’d come home to get ready for my date with the girls to find that my house is spotless!!! Dishes are put away, laundry is done, all home improvements completed. Peanut has napped and is engaged in something other than a hunting show on TV with his Daddy. When I go to leave, all dressed up and looking gorgeous, I find that my car is clean, too. That Tate! He’s so great to do so much cleaning AND take care of Peanut at the same time…how does he do it?!

I head off for drinks and dinner with the girls. We settle on dinner at the Sidney Street Cafe in St. Louis. There’s never a lull in the conversation and we laugh so hard that we can hardly eat. Everyone has a great time. We take lots of pictures. No need to worry about driving home safely, we each have a personal driver. Money has been no object this evening, as we are all happily rolling in the dough.

And just so you know, you’d be invited to dinner. (Can you tell that I miss the Midwest?)

De Plane, De Plane…

Good news! I passed my glucose tolerance test yesterday with flying colors! I was going to have some harsh words for my placenta if it had screwed me and Petunia over again. The test itself wasn’t the greatest experience of my life, but not anywhere near the worst either. Actually, outside of drinking the icky glucola and having blood sucked from my fingers and arms, I got to catch up on some fantastic people watching and eavesdropping. I pinky swear not to break any HIPPA laws during this gossip session.

Being a Ob/Gyn office, one expects to see pregnant women. I saw two women who I’m absolutely certain were each 22 months pregnant. I thought I was miserable….uh, not quite. These women seriously looked like they could explode. I eyed them closely for fear of an eruption at any moment. I hurt for them.

Again, being an Ob/Gyn office, one periodically has to be inconvenienced due to a doctor being called away on a delivery. Of a baby. Kinda out of their hands, if you ask me. WOW…you would have thought that the doctor had personally kicked some of these women in their nether regions. They were pissed, to say the least, demanding to know “why didn’t you call me, I gots to work” and “my time is more valuable than this, refund my co-pay, I’m leaving.” The receptionists handled the grumps well, explaining that these deliveries just pop up and aren’t planned. “Babies just come when they’re ready.” Tee hee.

I got to overhear an entire conversation about some high school English teacher that has the nerve to assign her children writing assignments. Huh? Isn’t English a class where you learn to write papers?

There were also two women giggling about seeing each other at the gyno office. They thought it was “super duper funny”. I shit you not, one of the women actually said that. She sort of looked like a 30 year old cheerleader.

Luckily for me, I got to learn the best places to buy smocked outfits….for boys. You know what the best part is? This place sells these outfits for less than $60 each. Well that’s just super duper! Are you kidding me?!? Personally, I would be much more excited to know where to buy clothes for less than $10. And, I wouldn’t subject my son to smocked clothing, yikes. My Midwestern roots and genetics do not allow for smocked clothing for my son.

The nurses who kept sucking out my blood were very sweet. They were rooting for me to pass and high-fived me when the final count came in under 180.

On a final non-gossip related note, Peanut and I survived spending time without each other. I have no idea what the babysitter did with him while I was gone, but the kid slept for 3 hours this afternoon. That is a world record for him. Gave me a chance to satiate my ever deepening blog reading habit.

La, la, la…I can’t hear you! My fingers are in my ears! I’m not listening!

Part III of 1-2-3 Magic has me a little freaked. See, I’ve been so focused on the here and now (tantrums and hitting) that I’ve completely ignored what’s to come. Children can be sassy, back-talking, hooligans!

Yes, I already knew this, thankyouverymuch. It’s just that I was blocking it out. Deleting it from my brain files.

This section of the book focused on the different methods our little darlings use to test and manipulate us. Apparently, there are six different ways including Badgering, Temper (Intimidation), Threat, Martyrdom, Butter Up, and Physical Tactics. Children use what works, meaning what has been successful in getting them what they want in the past. They also use the tactics that “get to” us. This is where the whole “no talking/no emotion” rule really comes into play.

Dr. Phelan explained that this testing and manipulation can be managed using the counting method. He warned us parents to expect our children to be very savvy and switch their usual tactics on us when they aren’t getting their way. Oh, I can’t wait.

There was also a chapter on how to deal with more serious offenses like lying, stealing, property damage, or even smoking. I could hardly read this chapter without developing a severe case of non-pregnancy related heartburn. Dr. Phelan did say that not all parents would have to deal with these sorts of things and I’ve got every finger, toe, and hair crossed, praying that I’m one of those parents.

This parenting business is relentless. I guess I should thank Kristen over at The Mom Trap for suggesting this book and reminding me of all the joys that await!

I have never failed a test before. I am the ultimate overachiever. No amount of studying could have prepared me for my glucose screen last Thursday. I failed the damn test. Crappity, crap, crap, crap.

I now get to return to the dr’s office next week for a THREE HOUR glucose test which will either confirm or rule out gestational diabetes.

Let’s just say that I really don’t need to add anymore stress, but my molecular makeup does not allow for me to be nonchalant about things such as these. Here’s just a wee glimmer of some of the “try not to panic, you can’t be in control of everything, holy moly I can’t breath, I feel so guilty” list of my current stresses:

Have I mentioned that I may have gestational diabetes? This can cause fetal distress or a large baby, but…

I only measured 27 weeks last Thursday (I’m 29 weeks). I had Intrauterine Growth Restriction in my first pregnancy. So maybe I have GD and IUGR. Spectacular.

I had to find someone to watch Peanut for me when I go for my test. Seeing as we are rarely apart, I feel anxious leaving him. There’s an excellent possibility that he isn’t going to like that I’m leaving him. Awesome, makes me feel like an A #1 Mommy.

Tate left for a trip to St. Louis this weekend to attend him Dad’s retirement party. Peanut and I didn’t go because I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY didn’t want to sit in a car for 22 hours this weekend. Bad idea with frequent pee breaks, aching joints, and a sciatic nerve that’s tormenting me. Doesn’t mean that I don’t feel guilty. Doesn’t mean that FIL and MIL haven’t said things like “we’ll buy you a plane ticket, we really wish you could come.” Yep, just a little more guilt. Yippee.

When discussing GD with Tate, he said something to the effect that it’s probably because of all the sugar and bread I’ve been eating. Screw off. I don’t eat many sweets, CARB NAZI. Hmmm, he’s not the one who spent several hours online googling this damn disease, in the middle of the night, because I was so flipping worried. By the way, it isn’t the fault of the mother…Somehow, though, this information isn’t really helping me feel better. Dynamite.

I’ve been feeling so down, Elmo and Blue have had to take over some of my Mommy duties. Terrific.

I’m going to go breath into a brown paper sack now. Aren’t you glad you read this? I’ll try to be funnier tomorrow. Promise. Well, maybe on Wednesday.

Wow, I’m shocked that some of you think that yesterday’s list was exciting. Thanks! Now that I’m going to explain these Happening Happenings, I fear you’ll be disappointed. But, hell, you weren’t disappointed yesterday (why?), so what am I worried about?!

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for (duh, duh, duh, duh!!!)

Here’s goes nuttin’…

1. I once had my wallet stolen by movers. They hid the “evidence” in the the tank of toilet. We discovered their genius hiding spot when flushing.

True When we moved here to LA (Lower Alabama, that is, ma’am), one of the movers stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting in the kitchen. Sure it shouldn’t have been sitting there, but really…they had access to all my belongings. It never occurred to me that they’d steal my wallet. It is an understatement that I went ballistic when I discovered it was missing. I was pregnant with Peanut at the time and you DO NOT F*CK WITH A PREGNANT WOMAN. The moving company bought me a brand new wallet when we were able to produce the sopping wet wallet from the tank of the toilet. The thief became a very rich man when he stole the $4 (ha ha, jackass).

2. I got kicked out of a bar on my 22nd birthday for smoking pot in the bathroom. I was so pissed, seeing as I was there to see Art Bentley, a really great musician. When I got home, I stumbled into a chair, threw the chair, and put a hole in the wall.

True, but… I did get kicked out of the bar for allegedly smoking pot in the bathroom. However, I was NOT smoking pot, just a Marlboro Ultra Light (ewww). I’m pretty sure there’s a slight difference.

Mmm, Art Bentley…. (you’re welcome, Shannon)

3. I got into a screaming match with a cashier at Kroger because she was being such a colossal bitch. It’s the closest I’ve ever been to being in a physical fight.

True Embarrassing, but true. I’ve had a little problem with anger in the past. Kind of a “don’t mess with me or else” kind of attitude. I’m much better now. But she was being a colossal bitch.

4. In 2nd grade, I puked all over my reading book during reading group. I was wearing a shirt with a rainbow on it, never wore the shirt again.

True I hate anything rainbow-esque to this day.

5. I absolutely love sardines. Especially in Louisiana Hot Sauce.

True Please still be my friend. They’re good, just slimy and make you have awful breath. I promise to never eat them around you.

6. When on spring break in LA, I saw Jack Nicholson driving around in his Jeep Grand Cherokee and Chad Lowe in a Ford Taurus.

True It was really odd to see these guys just driving around in average cars, I expected BMW’s, or Range Rovers, or a least a Caddy! I also saw Noah from Beverly Hills, 90210 when I was there. He was VERY short.

7. I lost my wedding ring down the drain and had to call a plumber to get it out. I was so freaked out because it’s my prize possession and I’m sure Tate would have broken my thumbs.

FALSE!!! This is one of my biggest fears (besides the obvious fears of something bad happening to Peanut, Tate, or Petunia.) I’ve had nightmares about losing my wedding ring. And for the record, Tate would never, ever, ever break my thumbs (or anything else, for that matter).

I suppose the rest are obviously true….

8. I was a child model.

True In the seventh grade, I tried out to be a Dillard’s child model and won! I got to do three whole fashion shows in the MALL. That’s it. I didn’t even get to keep the clothes.

9. Black Bears live in my backyard.

True

10. Once, when doing home based speech therapy in a seedy part of Knoxville, a man kicked in the door and demanded money. I NEVER went back.

True Luckily the man was not demanding money from me, but from the Mom (if you could really call her that…it’s not a title the woman deserved) of the little girl with whom I was working. Scared the living crap out of me, though.

11. A few months after my sixteenth birthday, I rear-ended the short bus right in front of school. Then, I drove off.

True (Hang my head in shame) In my defense, I barely tapped the bus, I don’t even know if the bus driver knew I hit them. I was so mortified, seeing as it happened right in front of school and I had people in the car with me. There was just a little dent in my 1987 Chevy Nova, I don’t even remember what I told my parents.

So, now you know. That’s everything exciting about me. Everything.

It’s only fair, it’s YOUR TURN to share something odd/interesting/cool that has happened to you. I’m sure ya’ll can come up with something a bajillion times better than mine.

Okay, so I’m not being original. Sue me. Well, don’t really sue me, just humor me. I thought this would be a good way for you to get to know me. The down and dirty me.

I’ve compiled a list of 11 things about me. Ten of them are true and one of them is false. If you’re expecting lists as exciting as this one and this one, well too bad! You’ve come to the wrong place. I’m not even in the same stratosphere as those two way cool gals.

Here’s the list. Don’t raise your expectations too high.

1. I once had my wallet stolen by movers. They hid the “evidence” in the the tank of toilet. We discovered their genius hiding spot when flushing.

2. I got kicked out of a bar on my 22nd birthday for smoking pot in the bathroom. I was so pissed, seeing as I was there to see Art Bentley, a really great musician. When I got home, I stumbled into a chair, threw the chair, and put a hole in the wall.

3. I got into a screaming match with a cashier at Kroger because she was being such a colossal bitch. It’s the closest I’ve ever been to being in a physical fight.

4. In 2nd grade, I puked all over my reading book during reading group. I was wearing a shirt with a rainbow on it, never wore the shirt again.

5. I absolutely love sardines. Especially in Louisiana Hot Sauce.

6. When on spring break in LA, I saw Jack Nicholson driving around in his Jeep Grand Cherokee and Chad Lowe in a Ford Taurus.

7. I lost my wedding ring down the drain and had to call a plumber to get it out. I was so freaked out because it’s my prize possession and I’m sure Tate would have broken my thumbs.

8. I was a child model.

9. Black Bears live in my backyard.

10. Once, when doing home based speech therapy in a seedy part of Knoxville, a man kicked in the door and demanded money. I NEVER went back.

11. A few months after my sixteenth birthday, I rear-ended the short bus right in front of school. Then, I drove off.

So, whatdya think?

I told you these were not exciting. I’ve led quite an uneventful life….hmm, that sounds like a topic for a future blog.

Take your guesses! What am I lying about? I’ll post the answer and some explanations to the above (yawn) list tomorrow in lieu of Random Thoughts Friday (applause from the crowd.)