Some Days Require Warning Labels
Bolt awake and realize it’s 7 AM. It’s 7 AM!!! Woo hoo, what a great start to the day!! Oh, it’s 7 AM? Peanut never sleeps this late?
Check on Peanut, creep ever so quietly into his room, see that he’s sleeping. Feel relief, today is going to be a great day with Peanut so well-rested. Close the door on the way out and accidentally let go of knob too early, causing the latch to make a noise.
Peanut hears the latch, wakes up crying. Damn. Go in and get him out of his crib, realize his diaper leaked and he, along with his sheet, blanket, pillow, and crib bumper is wet.
Change his diaper, the sheets on his bed, and start first load of laundry.
See that it’s 7:30 and time to get Shel up for the day. On the way, see something on the carpet, “must be a raisin,” I think. Pick it up and to my horror realize it’s a dingleberry from my dog’s ass. Gag. Almost puke. Praise the Lord Peanut didn’t find the raisin look alike first. Curse the dogs.
Begin to feed Shel, start working on the checkbook. Realize we went a little crazy with our money during the month of June.
Peanut demands breakfast. Try to make toast one-handed while feeding Shel. Feel smug and accomplished as I serve Peanut his breakfast without spilling or burning anything. Pour him a cup of milk, accidentally spill it all over when I don’t get the lid put on correctly.
Clean up mess, start to clean up breakfast dishes. Get distracted when I find two more receipts to put in the checkbook. Realize we went really crazy with our money in June.
Attempt to put Shel down for her morning nap after she yawns and acts sleepy. Play binky bitch for twenty minutes until she falls asleep.
Start second load of laundry after trying to locate all the clothes Peanut has hidden throughout the house when I left the laundry basket in his reach.
Hear someone pounding on the front door. Shel awakens, crying. Curse Fed Ex man for POUNDING on the door when the sign covering the doorbell clearly says “please knock” not “POUND AS LOUDLY AS YOU CAN AND WAKE UP MY BABY, JACKASS.”
Open the door, realize I’m wearing my breastmilk soaked nursing gown, with one of my boobs hanging out of the slits. Quickly cover myself as best as I can, turn a lovely shade of crimson, sign for the package, close the door as quickly as I can and pray that he didn’t see my boob peeking out to say hello. Run to comfort Shel, and finally get her back to sleep after yet another round of binky bitch.
Dogs are starving. Open the pantry door and realize we’re out of dogfood. Put dogs outside to distract them while I think about what I could feed them instead. Toast, leftovers, the whole box of dog treats? Realize I’m going to have to make a run to the grocery store soon. Start a grocery list.
Make a marinade for the meat we’ll grill for dinner. Open meat package and realize the meat is spoiled. Gag. Almost puke. Look at the date, a week expired. Shit. Add flank steak to grocery list.
Turn around and see Peanut wielding a butter knife I’d left too close to the edge of the counter. Scream for Peanut to put down the knife. Eventually, wrestle knife from his fingers. Praise the Lord I don’t need to add band-aids and replacement fingers to my grocery list.
Look at the clock and see that it’s only 9 AM.
That was funny. If it makes you feel better, this morning my dog broke down the baby gate that keeps him downstairs and went up and wiped his ass on our new white carpet. He divided our hallway like a highway with his crap. Fun.
You’ll have to continue with the rest of the day. I would write one too, but so far all I got is is the poop line and baby screaming.
FedEx needs better hours.
Time to start drinking. Shall I bring over a cocktail shaker with some mojitios. We will throw Peanut, the caveman and the lawyer outside, and play binky bitches with the babies to get them to sleep (I will show you my tricks-I have been binky bitch for a long time). Ha ha! Hope the day gets better. QM
In my world, when that much has been accomplished by 9am, it means you get the rest of the day “off” to slack.
I’m just not sure how you’d explain that to the kids. Hmm.
(But man, I need a nap just reading all that action..)
I stole your idea with this post. I couldn’t help myself. Hope you don’t mind.
I am laughing at the stealth raisin…Sorry.
I’ll see you later…I gotta go take a nap…You’ve worn me out.
OMG! I hope it gets better! Maybe you can fit in a little nap???
I remember those days.
To think I was cursing having to go to work today because I wished I could stay home. *shakes head* As wonderful as it is.. I’m happier at work. LOL
Hahaha dingleberry. That’s damn sick!
Maybe you’ve done a whole day’s work in the first couple of hours? And now it will all be smooth sailing? Okay, no. You and I both know that that just doesn’t happen. I’m so sorry. But, at least you had the presence of mind to blog about it, right?
It really is unfortunate that your frustrations are so hysterical. I could identify with almost every incident - although not all before 9am on the same day, you poor thing.
It’s too bad I’m not closer or I would invite you over for a stiff drink.
How is it possible that we are having the exact same day? Well, except my baby was up all night with a fever, and instead of a dingleberry I find a dead mouse in the trap. GAG!
Hope your day gets better! (For me, all I really want is a nap!)
Three words: white noise machines. When I put them in my kids rooms, suddenly all those household noises didn’t wake them up any more and my sanity was SAVED!
Sorry you’re having a crappy morning. Hope it gets better.
Those are the days when someone will inevitably say to you “so what did you do all day?”
Oh my God what a morning!
This post brings back memories of one morning I had when my little girl was just born (mine are only 15 months apart as well)….by 8 AM I was on the floor crying! But all I could do was brush myself off, start the next load and throw the dog outside!
I hope your day gets better!
Dog dingleberrys…I’m know I’m going to think about that randomly at 7:00 tonight and just bust out laughing.
That and the boob hanging out for the FedEx man.
Thanks sharing…and its just has to get better right ?
Oh honey, I’m soooooooo with you. And? Just the word “dingleberry” cracks me up.
I am so familiar with days like that. Sunday was our bad day, with the five changes of clothing for Cordy, the carpet cleaning due to the blowouts, and the massive amount of laundry that had to be soaked, stain-treated, and washed more than once to get the stains partially out.
But at least we get a not-so-bad day every now and then to keep sane.
And hey, making breakfast one handed is a special talent not many have!
I’m getting a vasectomy next week!
Holy shit…i hope that wasn’t today!
Good gawd, that exhausted me just reading it. Do you drink?
WOW! Sounds like you need an apple martini! I am not looking forward to that type of morning!
Although I do hear that it is well worth it
GO! SUPER MOM!
1.) I admire you for saying dingleberry. I have a mouth like a sailor, or 13 year-old boy per my husband (because I sometimes still giggle when I come up with a really great swearing streak), but that one…I still have a hard time with.
2.) I have found those raisins, too. Sometimes from the cats, sometimes from the dog.
3.) I bow to you for thinking about dinner before 5pm. Hats off!
4.) You are flipping hysterical.
It’s days like today that really get ya thinkin about that 3rd kid, eh?!?!
I’m sorry for laughing at your pain, but it’s always funnier when it’s someone else.
heh. I bet you’re having a glass (bottle) of wine right now, aren’t you?
man, i hear you about the tools who bang on the door. i have no changed my sign so there can be no confusion (although stupid, stupid ppl still manage to get confused and manage to wake my baby. i hate them). Try putting “Baby sleeping. Please knock QUIETLY.”
you will still get morons baffled by such complicated instructions, but it cuts down the numbers a bit.
Ugh! I hope the day got better!
You have an early riser like I do. I curse the moms who have kids who sleep till 9 am everyday. I can’t imagine.
Oh how I love to find those damn dingleberries! Damn dogs
Sorry your morning was crap but your sacrifice was not in vain as this hilarious post got me off to a great start. You are hilarious! I LOVE the title of this post!
I’ve been a lurker to your blog for a while now and each post just gets funnier and funnier! I’m sorry you had such a rough day, but you have such a great sense of humor about it. And I’m sure you made that FedEx guy’s week!
Have those days quite often.
Word of advice…take the latch off of the door knob but leave the knob. Can shut the door and no sound will get in…but don’t have to worry about clicks…
Gosh that sounds like fun honey!
What a morning, hope the rest of the day was better for you (I wake Eilidh up at least once a week while checking on her, it sucks)
This sounds like one of my days and I only have one kid, though also have four cats to clean up after.
I did the boob hanging out at the day care after nursing my little one at lunch. Of course the only male teacher was the only person I saw.
At least it was a nice, big breastfeeding boob!