I’ve had Wild Kingdom-esque weekend. From water moccasins to alligators, I’m lucky to be alive. For reals.
Apparently, we have a water moccasin living in the pond in our backyard. It’s about TWENTY! FEET! LONG!** with GIANT fangs**. The f*cker even hisses** at you when you come near it. Pete (that’s his name)**, tried to attack** me yesterday, but somehow I managed to escape. Tate attempted to exterminate Pete with a rake, but was unable to get him. I fear for my family’s life when we venture outside,you know, with a twenty foot** water moccasin on the loose.
Last night at dinner, there was an alligator off the dock right where we were sitting. He was ten feet long** if he was foot. It reared it’s dinosaur-like head, sneering at us onlookers**. Suddenly it lunged, gnashing it’s fangs**. I was convinced that I was about to become an item on the news, “Local Woman Eaten Alive During Vicious Alligator Attack at Popular Restaurant.”
This morning, while out on the boat in the swamps, we encountered crickets the size of basketballs**. They were black with yellow stripes and FANGS**. I’m sure I saw FANGS**. These crickets are notorious for being poisonous, so when I saw them in a tree just centimeters** from my head, you can be sure I completely freaked out. Death by poisonous cricket is not the way I wanted to leave this world.
My idea of a good wildlife experience involves the Mutual of Omaha and a television set. I don’t care much for personal encounters with wildlife. The rest of the weekend is going to be spent inside, where it’s safe.
**A few of the details in this post may or may not have been exaggerated. I’m just sayin’.