(Referring to STERoids, not HEMORRhoids…in case you were afraid to continue reading! This was just going to be a simple haiku, but it kept growing and growing, like it was on steroids and into an actual post.)
Without further adieu, may I present…
With all the costumes
I’m surprised he’s so pleasant…
You best step off, bitch
******
I fear I’ve thrown my son under the bus.
Carson is a shy boy. He often protests loudly when we go to story time at the library, refusing to say hello to anyone, crying when asked to sing the songs. Trying to diffuse these somewhat embarrassing situations, I try to crack jokes with the other moms about how “fun” having a toddler is. I’ve told everyone who will listen that his name should be Mary, Mary Quite Contrary. More than once I’ve commented that I don’t know why he acts the way he does and that his behavior annoys me.
I think these admissions to women I don’t know, has somehow made them feel that they have permission to comment on his behavior, too.
But they don’t.
They don’t have the right to say, “gee, he’s finally acting pleasant today.” Those words sting as much as a slap across the face.
They don’t have the right to say, “he’s not in Mom’s Day Out or preschool?,” in an accusatory tone. When and if I send my child to MDO is up to Tate and I, not some stranger I see once per week for 45 minutes.
I feel so badly that I’ve ever said anything less than complimentary about my son. The mama bear in me wishes I would have had a great comeback for these unintentionally hurtful remarks. It pains me to know that these other moms have only one view of my son, as a difficult child who is often whiny and unhappy. They don’t know the child who laughs and sings and makes my heart nearly burst with pride. They don’t know this because I’ve only complained about him.
[picture removed]
That’s my boy. My Carson, lover of Thomas the Train, his Daddy, his baby sister, Ella. This boy who is sweet, kind, and sensitive. MY boy. Those other mommy’s best step off. This mama bear roars.
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Bitches! I hate, hate, hate when people think they can say things like this. Moms especially should have each other’s backs. Bitches!
By Toni on 11.02.07 12:56 pm | Permalink
Oh Jennifer, how horrid of them! I have a word to trump “bitches” but I’ll keep it to myself. ((Hint: It starts with a “C”))
I tried to call in last night to the blog radio show. Maybe next time I’ll get the time right!
By Secret Agent Mama on 11.02.07 1:02 pm | Permalink
you go, girl. i’ve been there on this one. mother bears rock when they roar.
By janet on 11.02.07 1:07 pm | Permalink
That is unacceptable or those hoity toity women. I hope I’m not over-stepping, but I wonder if you maybe need to drop story time? You seem to not have any fun there? Is there a gym, or music, or art nearby? Mine was rather introverted & shy until I put him in gym. Good luck.
By AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC on 11.02.07 1:29 pm | Permalink
I’d just kick them in their shins and run away. You know, be mature about it.
By AndreAnna on 11.02.07 1:42 pm | Permalink
This is why I read blogs and write my own. Your description of your boy is so much like my Ben. He’s so contrary and very few people outside of the immediate family ever get to see his sweet side.
It always amazes me when some stranger has the balls to comment on someone else’s child’s behavior.
By Sleeping Mommy on 11.02.07 1:43 pm | Permalink
Grr. I hate when people say less-than-flattering things about my kids. I can talk sh*t about ‘em, but no one else. Nice haiku!
By Victoria on 11.02.07 2:22 pm | Permalink
Ahh, I feel your pain! I’ve had people tell me “that’s why you should spank kids” in reference to my child’s behavior. Seriously? You think I should beat her into submission for whining because she has no language skills? Thanks for inquiring as to her entire health history before you came to that conclusion.
Oh, wait, this is about you and not me before I get myself all worked up again…. I have no suggestions but I also feel guilt about using self (or child)depreciating humor when it backfires like that. I still haven’t learned my lesson though and keep doing it.
I say you go scratch the name of their rival football team in the side of their cars with your keys. In the South nothing could be worse punishment….
By Jenn on 11.02.07 2:26 pm | Permalink
Ew! I hate them!
My skinny boy LOVES gymboree. The moms there are pretty cool. At least you are DOING things instead of sitting there chatting. Makes for less bitchy time.
LOVE the photo of your skinny boo!
Good luck, sweetie. I’ll be thinking of you today at Gymbo.
(You know they also have sibling classes at Gymbo — we started LM at ~6 mos I think?? Anyway, corporate, yes, but he LOVES it. Prolly not helping the skinny factor! LOL)
By VDog on 11.02.07 2:50 pm | Permalink
There is an episode of Scrubs that delt with the same thing- basically the only person who can say anything other than praise for your kid is you! It’s a rule, and it must be true because I saw it on a sitcom.
By Milk Maid on 11.02.07 3:05 pm | Permalink
Well, I won’t say it again because Milk Maid said it for me. Get Tate to kick that bitch in the knee next time you see her!
By Blue Momma on 11.02.07 3:07 pm | Permalink
My standard response to those kind of behavioral comments is, “This is the way he usually is around family! I’m so glad you have a chance to see the real Boy!”
As for the “what, he’s not in preschool?” garbage, when I was at that stage, I’d reply, as pleasantly as I could, “Why, no, he’s not yet… I feel so lucky to have the chance to spend a this much time with him for a little while longer. It can be challenging, but it’s so worth it.”
They never know what to say after that, and I can change the subject.
By Esme on 11.02.07 4:00 pm | Permalink
I promise you that if I were at your storytime, I would know that your son was a lovely, wonderful boy who was having a very age-appropriate moment once in a while at storytime, just as every kid in the world has from time to time. I have to believe that the loudmouths are pissing off other mothers at storytime, too–the logical, supportive, and compassionate ones–as much as they are pissing you off (and all of your commenters and readers). I say we all show up at storytime with a vengeance to get your back.
By Marjorie on 11.02.07 4:22 pm | Permalink
We had the same problem with Peanut. She’s a little more outgoing at 3 now. I think it is the same for me, I’d try to make excuses and laugh it off but really get ticked off if someone else had anything to say. I feel like I betrayed my child or sold her short because others don’t see how wonderful she is and how funny she can be.
By mamaDB on 11.02.07 4:24 pm | Permalink
Oooh, man, I feel the same way. No one has the right to say anything about your kid and it makes me mad as hell, too. I don’t have to deal with it as much now, but when they were younger I’m surprised I didn’t commit murder over people being out of line where they were concerned.
By Devilish Southern Belle on 11.02.07 4:39 pm | Permalink
Oh God, I know exactly what you mean. I don’t think you should blame yourself for this 100% though. I mean every idiot knows that I can talk about my Mom, Dad, Sister, Cousin, Child, but YOU can’t. I LOVE them and am just venting. YOU don’t love them, so step off.
Great haiku about a wonderful boy.
By Serina Hope on 11.02.07 4:42 pm | Permalink
OMG. Holy SH@T. Tell me you’re kidding. Some people are such freaking morons. She obviously has some issues, since she has to resort to that kind of trash talk… Not very mature.
*le sigh*
By WorksForMom on 11.02.07 4:53 pm | Permalink
I have my almost five year old home with me this year (missed the Kinder cutoff when we moved from CA to TX), and I feel the need to go to lengthy explanations every time I discuss it with new people.
Why do I do that? Was it the right decision? Yes. Am I happy to have my baby for one more year? Yes. So why the defense? It’s all about me and my need for others to think I’m a good mom.
Screw them. I am a good mom. I’ve got stretch marks and grey hair to prove I’m doing this.
Oh, and a friend of mine in CA started a reading club at her house-invites a bunch of toddler/PreK friends over and they just sit around and read. Might work for the little guy in his own environment.
By All Things BD on 11.02.07 5:14 pm | Permalink
Next time just say, “Hey, how about we go out in the parking lot and I kick your ass?”
That should shut them up pretty quick.
By RWA on 11.02.07 6:45 pm | Permalink
Why yes, he IS quite pleasant today, too bad you are not, BITCH!
I’m sorry.
By Shelly Overlook on 11.02.07 7:33 pm | Permalink
Some people, I swear…
Yeah to haiku Friday!
By Sarcasta-Mom on 11.02.07 7:46 pm | Permalink
I think your kids fall under the same rule as your mama. It doesn’t matter what YOU say about them, no one else is allowed to say anything but glowing comments.
My mama bear came out yesterday with a three year old. That’s right I got all mama bear on a 3 year old because she yelled at Boog for spilling her milk. Not my proudest moment but it was a total knee-jerk reaction.
By ImpostorMom on 11.02.07 8:11 pm | Permalink
I wouldn’t worry what soemone else’s opinion on your son is, considering they will never care as much about him as you do. They only see the negatives in him because they are negative people…at least in my experience. Hit them with “Sometimes I wish my son was boring like your kids” lol
By Matthew Anton on 11.02.07 8:11 pm | Permalink
R-U-D-E.
I would never even think of saying something like that . You shouldn’t even dignify it with a response. You should just exageratedly turn and walk away or if you must say something “Oh sorry you must have mistaken me for someone who wanted to hear your ridiculous criticisms”
By Worker Mommy on 11.02.07 8:20 pm | Permalink
I am so there. We all have our moments where we vent our frustraitions to others but in the end they are just that, not invitations for them to stereotype our child. I wish I would talk up S and Baby A sometimes but then I feel as though I would be tooting my/their horn. And it can be very annoying when others do this (sometimes). Let your momma bear roar if necessary, you know you have a little cutie (hello picture is adorable, so so do we). Oh goodness does any of that make sense? To much candy for me the sugar is making me jabber.
By SJSFalter+ on 11.02.07 8:28 pm | Permalink
just flip them all the bird and then drop some ‘f’ bombs…then, they’ll appreciate where your son comes from. just kidding…actually, my son…he’s kinda similar. i used to make negative comments about him to those same kinds of strange women…now, when he acts up (which is often), i ignore him and the women who are staring at him. because, you know what…their children, who are seemingly well behaved right now, they just had temper tantrums for their moms in the grocery store, at the dry cleaners, at lunch…etc…we are all in the same boat. no kid, no matter the age, consistently behaves well…if a mom tells you differently then, there is something wrong with the kid or she isn’t telling the truth. that’s how i see it and i know everything!
By suchsimplepleasures on 11.02.07 8:35 pm | Permalink
I’m always surprised when other mothers make remarks like this. Is their child really the same in the safe haven of home as they are in public?
Elliot hated everyone but me from the time she was about 2 months until 18 months. I would always get comments (even when she was a little baby!) about how she needed to be socialized. It’s not like I kept her in a cage - she saw people all the time (she just didn’t care for them). When she started daycare, she didn’t say anything for a month. Then, when she was comfortable and was done her observations of the situation they couldn’t shut her up. Carson is so sweet - those stinky women don’t know what they’re missing.
By andi on 11.02.07 8:47 pm | Permalink
I totally do that too. I must stop it!! But you are right…it doesn’t give anyone else the excuse to add any thing to that!
By Rachel on 11.02.07 10:00 pm | Permalink
No, no, it isn’t YOUR fault. You assumed you were among people who knew the rules of motherhood, which are the same as the rules of cooking: you make the worst remarks about the things you are most proud of. It’s a cue for others to praise. And in the case of parenting issues, for others to say, “Oh, god, mine does that too!” or “Pshh–he’s adorable!” These dumbheads who think it’s a cue to say negative things would also have responded badly to you complimenting him: they probably would have argued with you, or thought you thought your child was PERRRR-fect. Dumbheads, is what I’m saying here.
By Swistle on 11.02.07 10:15 pm | Permalink
You were just venting frustrations to other mothers who you thought would just listen. Im sorry they said that stuff. Gabe is 4 months and he completely shuts up and does the pout then cry when the specialists come to the house. At home, he talks all day and smiles and laughs all day. I bet Carson is the greatest little boy!
By Steph on 11.02.07 10:57 pm | Permalink
This post touched me, and I don’t have a comment other than that!
By Mrs. Mustard on 11.02.07 11:20 pm | Permalink
You say the word, I bring my numchuck skillz.
By Oh, The Joys on 11.03.07 12:12 am | Permalink
“He’s an observer, the greatest minds in the world are observers.”
“He’s silently judging your parenting skills.”
I’ve got a million, you should come over, we’ll come up with a BUNCH.
By moosh in indy. on 11.03.07 1:31 am | Permalink
that was a gut bustin’ comment on my blog! thanks
I actually found you on the ‘buzz…ages ago!
How lovely that we’ve finally met each others blogs!
By piper of love on 11.03.07 2:58 am | Permalink
I made the same mistake once, but it’s okay for me to say nasty negative things about my ill-behaved spoiled spill-koolaid-on-your -floor-not-say-sorry children. My husband yelled at the her for me.
By wopalockapino on 11.03.07 4:10 am | Permalink
Don’t blame yourself.
Rude, interfering people are rude and interfering because, well, they just are — regardless of anything you have ever said.
Your boy is just precious — wonderful photo.
By Cathy on 11.03.07 5:25 am | Permalink
Great Haiku.
Carson is adorable and they have no right to pass comments. AS mums we feel we need to justify their behaviour on particular day or moment in time… he is tired/teething because they make us feel bad by staring or looking.
I hate when people ask which one is easier or to make judgements about who is happier etc etc.Mind your own beeswax.
By baby~amore' on 11.03.07 7:25 am | Permalink
Not to make excuses for such thoughtless remarks but I can only assume that they are trying to bond with you in some backwards way. I want to think people are not mean but I’m only fooling myself.
By something blue on 11.03.07 10:08 am | Permalink
I know what you mean. I do a similar thing. I’m very self-deprecating and sarcastic about myself and it has naturally flown to occassional (or frequent) comments I make about my children when they’re misbehaving. At some point I realized that others don’t get what I’m doing, and they feel they can do it also. I also kind of feel like I’ve thrown my guys under the bus. Now I’m trying to dig them out with nice words and flattery.
And boooo to anyone who thinks they are allowed to criticize your child.
By Stimey on 11.03.07 1:41 pm | Permalink
Mama Bears, we all are. I really don’t get how people think the comments we make, the ones who love our kids, somehow grant special permission for others to speak without the basis of love in their hearts. Assholes.
By Patois on 11.03.07 4:23 pm | Permalink
I’ve done the same thing. I spent a lot of time telling people Freya was “evil” which I meant in the most affectionate way. I hate that people don’t get that just because a mom complains doesn’t mean they get to.
By nell on 11.04.07 1:15 pm | Permalink
Those mama assholes.
You get ‘em!
By Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake on 11.04.07 8:04 pm | Permalink
Damn them. I hate it when people do that.
I make plenty of off-hand comments about Cordy acting like a monster sometimes. With Cordy’s meltdowns and quirky behavior, I get comments like that from other people more than I’d expect.
By Christina on 11.05.07 2:57 am | Permalink
I get comments on Rebeccas behavirour all the time, not she is normally as good as gold but to good if that makes sense, she is so shy and quiet and barely joins in - people always ask if she is ok and look so worried over her. I gets either way people just like to butt in
By Laura McIntyre on 11.05.07 8:00 am | Permalink
Little Miss did not go to preschool or daycare, or anything like that and she is very shy. So on the first day of school, she had no friends (she did make friends by the end of the week), but other mothers made me feel like I had done some great injustice to her by keeping her home with me and enjoying the “baby” years. She is healthy, loved and best of all happy, so screw the other mother’s! I think I made the right choice and I am sure you have too.
By justmylife on 11.05.07 6:46 pm | Permalink