Airports make me irrationally nervous.
First there’s the issue of POSSIBILITY that my boarding pass, ID, wallet, and carry on baggage could suddenly evaporate into thin air. Every few seconds, I obsessively check to get visual confirmation that some unknown force has not suddenly taken my valuable possessions and made it’s way to Tijuana.
Then there’s my sudden inability to understand the English language rendering me completely unable to follow directions for getting in line to board the plane and instead of lining up in the B 31-60 line, I’m all standing like a fool in the A 1-30 line while everyone else is all “what’s that woman doing in our line” and then I’m all embarrassed and foolishly bumping into people as I try to get out of line and everyone is staring at me like I’m some kind of wart on society.
I worry that some ninja laptop thief is going to sprint full speed up to me, swipe my laptop and disappear into a crowd of people, while I clumsily chase after the person yelling for help and while onlookers smirk at my misfortune.
Missing my plane while I’m in the bathroom is another thing that freaks me out, so instead of going pee, I just hold it. And then I won’t drink water because I don’t want to have to pee even worse than I already do.
Luckily NONE of the above things ACTUALLY happened…except for holding my pee, OBVIOUSLY I didn’t want to miss my plane that would be taking off in 2 hours. DUH.
But one of my fears is unknowingly packing something the TSA has banned, like by some magical force I could accidentally pack a nuclear torpedo in my carry-on. I mean, I’m already nervous about not following the directions of putting my carry-on items in the bins properly or accidentally setting off the metal detector because I forgot to remove my belt, I certainly don’t want to draw attention to myself for having my stash of weapons of mass destruction detected.
So when the TSA agent told me they were going to have to open my bag and search it, I tried to act all nonchalant, but really I was scared to death they’d find the drugs/weapons/sex toys.
Instead they found a pocketknife. In my laptop bag. That I had packed all by myself. This wee pocketknife suddenly looked like a machete.
The TSA agent hefted it out of the bag and my jaw dropped to the floor, my face burned red, and I started stuttering and begging for mercy.
“Uh, uh…I, uh, don’t, uh, even KNOW how that got in my bag. Please, mister, have mercy on my soul! I have two small children at home. Don’t send me to prison! I’m not a terrorist!!” (I didn’t really say the last four sentences, I just added them for effect.)
He was kind and told me that we wouldn’t have to call my husband to bail me out of jail…this time.
And that’s how I narrowly escaped being arrested and sent to clink to become someone’s bitch.
Sandy
July 19, 2008 at 9:41 am
That’s funny…and sad too because I am the same way and no refuse to fly for that hassle. If I can’t drive, I ain’t going.
Have a good weekend!
Sandys last blog post..Updates and Funnies
Cathy
July 19, 2008 at 9:52 am
I’m the same way when I fly.
Also – did they keep the knife???
Cathys last blog post..Who Needs BlogHer Haiku?
Jamie
July 19, 2008 at 10:16 am
Well thank GOD they didn’t get your drugs or sex toys.
I know you are having a BLAST! Please have a drink or four for me!
Jamies last blog post..What Happens At BeerHer, Stays At BeerHer
Lauren
July 19, 2008 at 10:16 am
Since 9/11 everytime I have flown I have been stopped for “extra” security checks. My blond hair, green eyed, pasty self must appear as a terroist. I seriously am not joking. I use to think it was my last name, but my husband never gets stopped. I am talking the whole take you to the side, find a female agent and pat you down check. And no the metal detector did not beep. I always warn who ever I am traveling with that they will have to wait for me on the other side, becasue I will be stopped. They usually do not believe me. Then when I finally appear from that cubical, my travel companion is laughing their butt off at me. I asked one day why I am always stopped. The guy told me my ticket was marked for a random search. I think I am on some watch list.
Laurens last blog post..Yay, AFRo!
mandy
July 19, 2008 at 10:35 am
At the airport a few years ago, the chick found and took my brand new bottle of $13 ky. I was more angry than embarraced.
Glad you escaped.
Janine
July 19, 2008 at 10:44 am
In the days before any sort of terrorist attacks, after walking through the metal detector at the San Jose Airport, which I set off, I was told I had to take the barrette out of my hair because the little man who was manning the detector decided that was the only thing that could be setting off the detector.
I said there was no way in h-e-l-l that I was going to take the barrette out of my hair and he could stuff it.
So he said okay and let me through.
Ah, those were the days.
PS: Check out Johnny Foley’s Irish Pub (a block or two away from Lefty’s) and Gold Dust Lounge on Powell (very small, very divey, but when the band starts playing, it’s just too much fun). : )
Janines last blog post..New design: Meet Artemis, an elephant.
Kendrawolf
July 19, 2008 at 10:45 am
I do hate to fly. I am always amazed by who gets stopped and who doesn’t.
Rachael
July 19, 2008 at 10:46 am
That’s funny. I also constantly check to make sure my boarding pass is where I put it. Totally paranoid.
Rachaels last blog post..SYTYCD: Top 10 Results Show
Heather
July 19, 2008 at 10:55 am
I haven’t flown since all the changes in security. Well, let’s be honest, I haven’t flown since Giggles was 2, so that was 11.5 years ago. I didn’t mind it, but I do prefer driving better. I loved my cross country trip from Orlando to San Diego…good times!
Glad he didn’t cart you off to jail. What were you doing with a pocketknife in your laptop bag anyhow?
Heathers last blog post..Because she told me too….
AndreAnna
July 19, 2008 at 11:43 am
We used my husband’s lunch cooler to pack the baby bottles and stuff when we flew last summer. We left from Newark, got to FL, spent the week, and on the way back, in a little podunk airport, they found a steak knife in the baby’s bag. A big one.
That was fun explaining, but what’s worse is that they didn’t even check the baby’s bags in Newark once I told them there was formula in it. And the x-ray machine apparently failed to notice a GIANT KNIFE.
Glad you’re no one’s bitch.
AndreAnnas last blog post..Censorship
Marye~
July 19, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Oh crap! I totally freak out when I have to travel too. I had my bag searched last time and it was only because I had so many different electronic devices in it they couldn’t see everything, but a pocket knife, Holy Crap Woman! I’m glad your not gonna be anyone’s bitch. Seriously they probably wouldn’t let you post while incarcerated.LOL.
Glad your not behind bars!
Renee
July 19, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Glad you didn’t get sent to prison.
I love traveling and am usually relaxed. But when we went to China to adopt Bunny, I was a total freak show at the airport. I accidently left a small scissors in the diaper bag that Bubs carried through security in Nanchang. When he was stopped I took off running with Bunny. I figured I’d get her to the States first and then bail Bubs out of jail. But they only confiscated the scissors so we were all lucky.
Renees last blog post..The One In Which I Vow to Reduce the Size of
Sarah
July 19, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I haven’t flown since 9/11…sometimes I’m seriously glad I haven’t. I’ll pack something without even thinking about it being on the watch list and hauled away, I just know it…
But…eventually I’ll have to fly. I need to see my BFF and my family at some point…some day…if I win the lottery I’ll fly again.
And I’ll probably end up like you, with sewing scissors instead of a pocket knife *G*
Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You
July 19, 2008 at 12:57 pm
oh but think of the blog posts you could have done from prison!
I haven’t flown in ummm 13 years now, so I know I’d be a total basket case when it came to going through security. For that reason, I probably wouldn’t take ANY carryons LOL I’d just buy my shit whenever I was going LOL
Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near Yous last blog post..Friday Five (again!~)
Jean
July 19, 2008 at 1:31 pm
First of all love the header.
Secondly You have listed all of my fears about traveling to a tee.
The flying part itself is a breeze.
Jeans last blog post..Party Crashing
Kiki
July 19, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I too have all the above fears.
Also I have fears of a wicked hangover.
So I am home.. vicariously reading about Blogher and fully hydrated.
feener
July 19, 2008 at 2:03 pm
why are you carrying knives ?? and how is blogher
feeners last blog post..Anxiety winner
Kia
July 19, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I was going to say “me too, me too,” but that’s already been done now. Hmm…
I do the holding-of-the-pee thing, too. What’s terrible is that I think my anxiety about hopefully not needing to pee on the plane (’cause really, what’s worse?) actually makes me need to pee more. So I hold it in and don’t drink anything else and end up dehydrated and headache-y by the time I’m back off the plane. Stupid, huh?
Kias last blog post..Playdate From Hell
DesignHER Momma
July 19, 2008 at 2:41 pm
at least you got a return flight…you can always good arrested on the way home. good luck, think of it as a blogging opportunity.
DesignHER Mommas last blog post..bickering over books
tulipmom
July 19, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I have been singled out for extra security checks several times since 9/11. Apparently I fit some kind of profile although I”m not exactly sure what that is ….. hmm ….. short plump Jewish girl?
Hope you’re having a great time!
tulipmoms last blog post..All About the Boy
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach
July 19, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I remember those long ago, halcyon days when I’d carry a pocket knife (actually something remarkably similar to a switch blade) so I could strip cables when trouble-shooting massive computer networks.
Hope you can get your knife back!
Happy Saturday, Barbara
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coachs last blog post..57+ Tasty Resources for blog NEWSLETTERS, aWeber, autoresponders etc. you MUST see
Connie @ The Chronicles
July 19, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Oh my! I’m glad they didn’t keep you!
Every single time that I fly with my kids, I am treated like a terrorist and it pisses me off! I have had every kind of baby related item taken from me. Yep, that diaper cream is a bomb. Idiots!
I hate flying…..
Queen of Shake Shake
July 19, 2008 at 4:41 pm
This is a rule and I put my foot down!
You may NOT go to jail without me.
The End.
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..My Husband Thinks I’m A Prostitute
Marsha
July 19, 2008 at 9:39 pm
did he let you keep the knife?
Marshas last blog post..A World in Which Bad People Do Not Exist
Amy
July 20, 2008 at 12:30 am
Glad no jai time in your future. Did you wear your cute red shoes yet?
flickrlovr
July 20, 2008 at 12:50 am
Post Of The Year! Huzzah! (Okay, that was completely unnecessary, and slightly nerdy. I apologize. One should never say ‘huzzah’ unless one is at a Renaissance faire).
Annnnyways. Back to reality. Having just flown myself last month, and having the same psychotic OCD worries about flying and airports as you, I can totally relate.
Hope the flight home is peachy. And you really should pee at the airport. You don’t want a bladder infection, do ya? Poor thing! Although, shhh, I do tend to make sure I’m sitting at my gate like 2 hours before. You never know…
flickrlovrs last blog post..A Poll & A Retraction
Marinka
July 20, 2008 at 6:26 am
So funny! And yet, imagine what fabulous blog posts you could have written from prison!
Marinkas last blog post..The Kids Stay in the Picture
Knot
July 20, 2008 at 6:50 am
Ya, but did they find your sex toys? All of them?
Knot
Knots last blog post..Let’s Suppose
Lollie
July 20, 2008 at 9:23 am
Do you think maybe your previous post’s sentance “slightly drunk and have been up for nearly 24 hours” might have had something to do with the pocket knife showing up in your bag…? Just sayin’.
Lollies last blog post..The Light At The End Of The Tunnel, err, I Mean Projector
Margaret
July 20, 2008 at 11:24 am
You’ve clearly struck a chord here with all the “me too’s” And now here’s mine: I fly 2 or 3 times a month (for the last 10 years) and I still try to act nonchalant as my stuff rides on the belt through the XRAY so that they won’t “go through my stuff” because I acted guilty instead of nonchalant. Why do we do this? Have we seen too many movies?
Margarets last blog post..Motorcycle Diary of a Madman
MizFit
July 20, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Ill spare you my ME TOO!!! and just tell you that if they (the big they. the royal they. the blogher
they) gave an award for best post title youd always win.
me? Im bucking for WORST.
MizFits last blog post..Cue the PROTEIN SHAKE SHAPED confetti!! It’s MizFit’s birthday and…
Amy@UWM
July 20, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I have the same fears too. The airport ones, not prison. Now that I think about it…quiet cell, no children, someone feeds me…prison actually sounds kinda good…
Amy@UWMs last blog post..She’s Baaaa-aaaaack!!!
Miss
July 20, 2008 at 3:14 pm
OMG you are crazy!! LMAO. Why did you have that in there in the first place silly?
Misss last blog post..Haha
Nap Warden
July 20, 2008 at 5:10 pm
I know what you mean…Last time I traveled, they took my Shu Uemura eyelash curler!
Nap Wardens last blog post..McSwayze!
Christine
July 20, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Once in 2002, when my son was three, we were going through the security check and for some inexplicable reason he said, “We don’t have any bombs!”
I have NO idea why he said that. He wasn’t allowed to watch the news, we never talked about stuff like that; I don’t know that I’d ever heard him utter the word before, let alone use it in such a context.
After a flutter of apologies and some preprimands from the agent, we were allowed through.
SOOOOO nice meeting you this at BlogHer. On the train home I had to whip out my iPod to drown out the sound of someone smacking and cracking their gum crazy loud. I listened to an archived BOOB podcast…so fun!
Christines last blog post..If I can bake bread, anyone can
Kelley
July 20, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Yeah, I put it there to mess with you. And so you would have something to blog about.
You are welcome.
Oh and I wanted to play you in the movie dammit!
Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaaa
Nanette
July 21, 2008 at 12:33 am
Phew. Glad to hear you made it back ok. I had to give the little manicure set from our swag bags to my friend in SF because I didn’t want to check a bag, sadly.
(I think we met momentarily at the Ruby party. I was chillin’ with Heather from the Spohrs.)
Nanettes last blog post..Picture this
Dawn
July 21, 2008 at 12:39 am
I once tried to take a hammer through security. That went over just about as well.
Dawns last blog post..A couple of props to a couple of BlogHers
wendy
July 21, 2008 at 3:01 am
Thanks for the laugh – that was hysterical. Flying today is a bit of a nightmare due to all those restrictions – heavens an old lady can’t even take her bloody knitting on the plane anymore …
wendys last blog post..Home sweet home
Feliz
July 21, 2008 at 7:28 am
My husband did that once. He had left some kind of small machete looking thing in his military bag and unknowingly tried to go through security. They just let him go back and put it in his suitcase (he could still see it from the security line). I had already gone through with the kids and I could see them questioning him and I was totally freaking! I can imagine how you must have felt!
PS. My fear is that I will go into the bathroom and leave my boarding pass on top of the toilet paper dispenser!
I am adding you to my blogroll.
~JJ!
July 21, 2008 at 8:29 am
Thank goodness it was only a pocketknife…
I thought you got physical with one of the security guards at the airport…And they cuffed you.
Good thing.
Angie
July 21, 2008 at 8:45 am
I’m so glad I’m not the only one with irrational fears of flying and airports. I also obsessively check my bag for my boarding pass and such while I’m sitting & waiting for my flight. Too funny!
Slick
July 21, 2008 at 8:51 am
Dang, didn’t you get lucky?
Those TSA people are more unforgiving than that! At least with me
Slicks last blog post..I’m Back!!!!!!!
Burgh Baby
July 21, 2008 at 9:20 am
Phew! I thought you were going to say that they found your sex toys and we all know THAT would have been BAD!
Megan
July 21, 2008 at 9:55 am
That about sums up my fears. I haven’t flown alone since all the new security was put into place. I think I would be a mess. Luckily my husband has always been around to calm my fears (or bail me out of jail) if needed.
ali
July 21, 2008 at 10:08 am
i hold my pee when i fly too.
so glad i got to meet you…didn’t get enough time. you = awesome
Marti
July 21, 2008 at 10:31 am
Snicker. I am the same way. I usually sit on my bag so someone would have to physically remove me to steal it.
I am always a nervous wreck at airports. It’s awful. Glad you made it back safely!
Natalie
July 21, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Other than the refusing to pee thing, I’m just like you in the airport. Oh, and I haven’t accidentally packed a knife…yet. OH! But I did use too large ziploc for my cosmetics once and got the stink-eye. They told me as much but let me and my large baggie through anyway.
Narrowly escaped that one, didn’t I?
Lucky me.
Blackhatseo
July 21, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Added. Nice work on this one. Btw, my blog is dofollow, stop by and grab a link. Walter
Maria
July 21, 2008 at 11:53 pm
My BF decided to pack full size lotions in her carry on. They ransacked her stuff and threw it all away. If she’d had a knife I think they might have tackled her!
Glad you didn’t experience too much of a hassle. And being someone’s bitch is never fun.
I did tell you how great your hair was at BlogHer right? If not, it was. It was so great.
Marias last blog post..Stop Hatin’.