This morning while playing chase with Carson, I got injured. SEVERELY injured.
See, I was chasing him back and forth, catching him, tickling him, then sending him on his merry way for more chasing. For some unknown reason he veered from our silently agreed upon game and decided to HEAD-BUTT ME IN MY CROTCH.
Huh? Wha?? Crotch head-butting wasn’t a part of the game I was playing???
OH my aching crotch.
It was all I could do not to scream shitf*ckdamnhellc*ntf*ckf*ckf*ck!
Having a crotch wound is not only painful, but awkward to nurse back to health. Rubbing my sore, achy crotch…well, it looks weird. I can’t really go out in public, stroking my girly region now can I? Also, there’s no easy way to wrap an Ace bandage around your crotch. Trust me. I tried. Band-aids cure most ailments, but not those where HAIR and tender skin are involved. I also attempted putting ice on my crotch, but um…ice? It’s especially cold when touching your crotch.
I haven’t, uh, visually inspected my crotch to check for bruising, but I don’t think I need to SEE it. I FEEL it, thankyouverymuch. My crotch HURTS.
My crotch won’t be accepting ANY visitors any time soon (sorry Tate, talk to CARSON about that), but she is accepting sympathy cards. You can send those to:
Jennifer’s Crotch
c/o Jennifer…because it’s MY crotch, that’s why. I’m caring for it the best I can.
Comment’s section
Playgroupsarenoplaceforchildren.com
# of times the word “crotch” appears in this post…12. Awesome.
Jamie
July 24, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I think you need to add a “Junk” or “Crotch” post category. Heh heh.
moosh in indy.
July 24, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I did that once. Only it was a bike and not a toddlers head. Oy vey.
Amy in Ohio
July 24, 2008 at 2:05 pm
That pantyliner isn’t such a crazy idea after all.
Amy in Ohios last blog post..Obama in Ohio, meet Amy in Ohio
Jen M
July 24, 2008 at 2:17 pm
The things we go through in the name of motherhood. YIKES. Hope your girly parts feel better!
Helen
July 24, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Can’t wait to hear Tate’s reaction!!!!
Helens last blog post..Y’all, I just need some time to wallow in loneliness…
Marti
July 24, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Holy hell. I KNOW that hurt. I will send your crotch some flowers.
Must Be Motherhood
July 24, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Our toddler “thumps” my husband in the crotch for kicks. Funnier to watch them squeal in pain than us, isn’t it?
Mrs. Who
July 24, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Oooooh, painful! Hope your crotch is better soon.
Mrs. Whos last blog post..I Went To The Pool For The First Time This Summer
Sandy
July 24, 2008 at 2:45 pm
LOL Sorry…that is just a funny visual of trying to put an ace bandage on your crotch..
Sandys last blog post..Coincidence?
AMomTwoBoys
July 24, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Um…I think this calls for a VERY big, VERY strong adult size beverage.
Hope your crotch feels better soon.
Teri
July 24, 2008 at 2:54 pm
At least crotch is better than that other c-word you could have used.
I’m sure if I injured myself, my husband would offer to “massage” it better. Right.
Teris last blog post..Mostly Monogomy, with Socks on the Side
rachel
July 24, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Bless your heart! That hurts so bad!
My crotch has been head-butted by children before too and has been attacked by a bar on a bicycle too. I feel your pain. I feel sympathy pains now.
Ouch. I hope your crotch recovers quickly.
Perhaps a few better boo boo kisses from Tate, maybe that will help a bit.
T with Honey
July 24, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Ouch. ouch. ouch. You have my deepest sympathy and I share some very sincere empathy with your pain.
When Princess was a little bit shorter she would frequently run up to give me a hug but end up head butting me right there. It was a talent the way she could somehow get between my legs while I was walking and smack her melon right into my groin.
merlotmom
July 24, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Well, your son came out of there once, he was just trying to get back in…
Slacker Mama
July 24, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Have you tried elevating your crotch to make it feel better?
Slacker Mamas last blog post..the babysitter’s club
Andrea's Sweet Life
July 24, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Dear Jennifer’s Crotch,
My condolences to you for the blunt-force trauma you received. But don’t blame Jennifer, blame the child.
Feel better soon,
Andrea
abunslife
July 24, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Unfortunately I don’t think Tate is going to have much sympathy for you…..he will most likely turn this injury around and make it about how many times he has been head-butted in HIS crotch area. Those toddler heads are the perfect height!!! Man…..I however, know and feel your pain. So, so sorry.
Danielle
July 24, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Dear Jennifer’s Crotch,
Please get well soon. She has lots of important stuff to do, and she doesn’t want you aching and sore and screwing up her day.
I’m sure if you hurry the hell up and heal, she will treat you well. Maybe a nice Brazillian, some warming gel, or a see through thong.
Anyway, send my regards to Jennifer, and most importantly, get well soon!!
I didn’t just make this comment section all weird, did I?
Danielles last blog post..Sincerely, Your Wife
that girl
July 24, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Dear Crotch
Wishing you a date with some epson salts.
Love
That Girl’s Crotch
that girls last blog post..Hiatus and I mean Business. I think.
heather
July 24, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Dear Jennifer’s Crotch,
Wow. I heard what happened. How are you doing? I mean, *really*. You can’t be feeling good right now, sore and throbbing for all the wrong reasons. I know you’re pissed at Jennifer right now, thinking she should have worn a cup when she was playing with Carson, but don’t blame her – she didn’t know things would go so awry. Try not to be angry. Just relax, put your feet up, maybe take a bath, and you’ll feel better tomorrow. I promise.
Sincerely,
Heather
Insta-Mom
July 24, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Not tonight, honey, I have a crotch-ache.
Insta-Moms last blog post..At least they were fed, right?
SherE1
July 24, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Get well soon, Jennifer’s crotch!! And what IS that with boys and head-butting? Why? Why?
Rachel
July 24, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Maybe that’s Carson’s way of ensuring no more babies.
Get well soon, Crotch.
MadWomanMeg
July 24, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I think women everywhere might start using this as the new excuse to get out of sex. I like it.
shannanb aka Mommy Bits
July 24, 2008 at 4:25 pm
OMG. You had me rolling on the floor. My boys are constantly kneeing my husband in the groin. I’ve been lucky and not had the pleasure.
Now that we have met I could totally hear you telling this story. Made it even better!!
WM
July 24, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Oooh, that’s rough but I can’t wait to see the Google searches this post brings your way.
Hillary
July 24, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Why is it that kids’ growth spurts seem to stop when they’re finally crotch-high? It’s like they’re that height for FOREVER!
I hope you recover soon! Those wounds totally hurt.
Lori
July 24, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Um yeah, I don’t think I can top any of the previous letters! But, I hope you’re feeling better soon!
mandy
July 24, 2008 at 4:53 pm
You poor girl! Sorry your hoo hoo got hurt. Bad! babies!
McMama
July 24, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Oh man. Sending your crotch some virtual flowers and a get well soon card!
McMamas last blog post..The Early Days, part 1
lceel
July 24, 2008 at 5:17 pm
I am willing to bet that a substantial portion of blogdom would have predicted this, for if I am nothing else, I am predictable – but let me say it anyway – should you feel the need, I am perfectly willing to kiss it and make it better.
There.
lceels last blog post..The Eastland
Amy
July 24, 2008 at 5:18 pm
I racked myself once on a bike. Worst pain ever. I can only imagine what it must be like for the boys, who have the misfortune of wearing their most sensitive reproductives on the outside.
I’d rather give birth again. Your pudendum has my deepest sympathies. (Not sure if I should use the singular or the plural “pudenda,” but I’m going with the singular…)
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com – lover of extremely odd words for body parts, ask me about my coccyx!!
KD (A Bit Squirrelly)
July 24, 2008 at 5:36 pm
That sounds awful! Put on a big pair of your maternity panties (I know you still have a pair–we all save them) and stick an ice pack wrapped in a towell. That should do it. Feel better soon!
KD (A Bit Squirrelly)s last blog post..Courtney Love Ain’t got Nothin’ On me! And Other Ramblings
Knot
July 24, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Two thoughts …
1) Men everywhere are nodding their heads and saying, “Ya, I know.”
2) Men everywhere are lining up to rub your crotch for you.
Knot
Amanda
July 24, 2008 at 5:56 pm
ok, I am cringing in sympathy pain. Maybe some vodka would help?
pgoodness
July 24, 2008 at 6:07 pm
I…I….can’t stop laughing – not at your pain, but at your post. I feel your pain, and you wrote about it fabulously. ROFLMAO
pgoodnesss last blog post..Advantage: getting older
Marinka
July 24, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Oh my. But think of the wedding toast you’ll be able to make when the time comes!
Marinkas last blog post..Maybe Not
jen
July 24, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I so wanted to send you real snail mail to your crotch, just to imagine tate’s response if he picked up the mail that day.
Margaret
July 24, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Dear Jennifer’s Crotch,
Get well soon!
Have some ice cream, I find ice cream always helps me feel better.
Tell Jennifer I said hello!
Nanny Goats
Margarets last blog post..Add THAT to Your ToDo List and Smoke It
flickrlovr
July 24, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Number of interesting searches you’re going to get off of this post? A kajillion.
OW. OW. OW.
Sympathy card sent.
flickrlovrs last blog post..Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Tiny Mini Blog Bikini
Tammy
July 24, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Remember this story to tell at the Evil Child’s wedding. By then, your crotch should be able to laugh about it.
Karen
July 24, 2008 at 9:13 pm
I’ve been there. Kinda gives all new meaning to the burning ring of fire.
Karens last blog post..Of Toenails and Faith
Nanette
July 24, 2008 at 9:30 pm
I wish your crotch a speedy recovery!
Nanettes last blog post..LOL EM DASH
sam
July 24, 2008 at 9:44 pm
I got kicked in the vagina (ha! I said vagina) once and it KILLED. Who would have thought it would hurt so much.
Dropped me right to my knees.
I can laugh about it now.
Maggie
July 24, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Ouch! My girl junk is sore just hearing about that!
Maggies last blog post..Theme Thursday – Summer Fun
Jen A
July 24, 2008 at 10:03 pm
YEE-OWWWW! Thats all I can say, because all the good smart remarks were already taken! haha!
Jen As last blog post..Neighbors Much?
Miss
July 24, 2008 at 10:24 pm
I have SO been there. It hurts. Sorry Tate!
Misss last blog post..Haha
the planet of janet
July 24, 2008 at 11:23 pm
ow.
the planet of janets last blog post..Haiku Friday: the what a catch edition
Jennifer A
July 24, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Ouch. Can’t say much more
Jennifer As last blog post..A new Milestone for Jimmy!
Devilish Southern Belle
July 25, 2008 at 2:28 am
Ouch! Hope your crotch is better soon!
Love the new site look
Devilish Southern Belles last blog post..Is anyone around to hear my desperate plea for help?