No, I didn’t finally remember to get a fly swatter, but I did become a maniacal fly vigilante with only a dish towel and DETERMINATION.
Follow these easy steps and you, too, can scare the crap out of your children KILL FLIES.
1. Have food lying around. This is easy if you have a two toddlers.
2. Find some sort of easily maneuverable swatting device. A fly swatter would certainly be IDEAL if you’re one of those “think INSIDE the box” people. I used a dish towel and it performed splendidly.
3. Wait patiently by the food, biding your time for the arrival of your evil nemesis.
4. When the fly/flies arrive, smirk. The little bastards have it coming. Do your best Jack Nicholson impression from “The Shining” and say things like, “Herrrrrrrrrrrre’s Johnny.” The impression is easier if you haven’t showered or brushed your hair.
Also fun: “Herrrrrrrrre’s Johnny, bitches.”
5. Take your shot. This is YOUR moment of GLORY.
6. Curse quietly, under your breath, when you miss.
7. Curse slightly louder when you miss again.
8. Try to disguise the next bellowed curse word as you miss. Again.
9. Say something genius like, “How you like me now!” or “boo-ya!” as your fly swatter/dish towel strikes and FINALLY HITS the fly.
10. Feel slight remorse when your one-year-old’s eyes are the size of saucers as she looks at you in horror and begins wailing.
11. Remove said child from room so the killing spree can continue.
12. Repeat steps 4-9 until all flies are annihilated. Think of clever quips from movies as you murder each fly, “Say hello to my little friend.” Or!!! “I will get you my pretties! MWAH HA HA.”
13. Remove child who has crawled back in where you’re committing fly murder and is again crying from the room. Reconsider killing spree.
11. Kill one more for good measure, this time silently and without jubilation. Swell with pride ON THE INSIDE.
12. Put murder soaked dish towel (if that was your weapon of choice, of course) in the dirty clothes hamper so that you don’t accidentally dry your hands on dead fly guts later.
12. Write frightening blog post about killing flies. Strongly consider NOT publishing it, but then do it anyway.
13. Wait for the men in white coats to arrive. Put on mascara.