I can hear him screaming over the monitor. Angrily I roll over to check the time on the clock. 5:48. Seething, I get out of bed, forgetting to stop and pee and march upstairs in the dark to his room.
I don’t know if I can do this again today.
“Mommy!” he screams. “Please don’t leave. Sit right here on the floor, beside me,” he pleads after I tell him that it’s not 7:00 yet and that Mommy is very, very tired and want to go back to bed.
I sit down wearily beside his crib, cursing inside. I wonder if he’s truly scared or if he’s just manipulating me. Also, I have to pee.
I promise him that I’m just leaving for a moment so that I can pee. “I’ll leave your door open. I’m just going right across the hall to the bathroom.” He starts to scream as I leave.
I turn to him and in my angriest voice, which surprises even me, I tell him to shut up and that I’ll be right back.
I only feel slightly bad that I told him to shut up. I hope he didn’t notice.
After he’s finally settled I go back to sleep for what seems like ten seconds, but rather it’s about 40 minutes. 6:58 is what I see on the clock as I hear Carson screaming for me again. Just to spite him, I want to let him scream for two more minutes until 7:00. Or to spite him, I want to go up to his room and scream at him to please just shut up and wait for f*cking 7:00.
I go in, scoop him out of his crib, saying nothing. The day begins.
*******
I look around the kitchen and notice the crumbs and fruit flies. My floor looks as if I haven’t swept or mopped since ever, despite having done both just two days prior.
There is a pile of dirty dish towels, in desperate need of washing and smelling like spoiled milk.
My washing machine is broken, full of water and wet towels.
*******
“Uh oh!” Ella squeals as she tosses her sippy cup, full of milk over the edge of her chair.
The cup is no longer full of milk.
It’s empty, the white milk in a puddle on the floor. Splashes of white milk dot the cupboards.
It doesn’t matter. The floor is already dirty.
*******
“You don’t even like me anymore. I can’t even joke around with you anymore.” In one respect, I hear Tate’s words and I feel badly that he could even think this. Of COURSE I like him. Of COURSE he can joke around with me, but after days of little sleep and constant battles, I need adult interaction. I need HIM to listen to ME.
Immediately his words make my heart harden and I feel my face redden with anger. “How dare he,” I think silently to myself. “All I do every minute of everyday is GIVE. What about me? What about thinking of MY feelings.” I say nothing.
*******
Ella is almost walking. She takes two or three hesitant steps, her arms out in front of her body for balance before she falls on her bottom. Over and over she stands up and tries again.
I smile at her and want nothing more than to swoop her up and feel her soft skin against my face and smother her sweet little neck with kisses.
In an instant I can go from feeling such rage to giggling in spite of myself.
*******
He asks if I need a break, just to get away. “Go for a walk,” he tells me. I can hear the annoyance in his voice and I want to shout back at him, “you have NO idea what it’s like to be home everyday with these kids. I do EVERYTHING for them. You have NO idea.”
I do need a break. I do want to get away.
NO. I want to RUN away.
“It’s too hot to go for a walk,” I say instead.
********
I consider not hitting publish.
But I do it anyway.
(Haven’t I written this post about a hundred times before?)
Wow – you just hit the nail right on the head. I have to remind myself how hard it was to be a working mom, but I miss the adult interaction…I miss justifying taking a break because I had been “at work” all day. Now I am at home all day and I feel like I shouldn’t need a break. Well, thanks for posting! I needed that!
Meredith’s lastest post..Mothers’ Morning Out
I’m crying. Isn’t that silly? But I am. Because I really could have written this. It sounds just like me.
I’m glad you hit “publish”.
Kathryn’s lastest post..Back On The Clock
Wow, I love reading your blog. You speak the truth, when others shy away from it…. afraid they are the only ones that feel that way.
You are not alone. I have many episodes of what you have just mentioned. I have felt like you many many times. Just 2 weeks ago, when my newborn wasn’t sleeping through the night and I was tired beyond belief, and my 1 and 3 year old were driving me out of my mind, I often said “I love my children, I just don’t like them sometimes”. And that’s ok.
Thanks for posting… you make me feel like I’m not the only one out there going through it! I know I’m not, but sometimes it feels like I am.
Clara’s lastest post..
i could have written this exact post.
thanks for hitting publish friend.
amanda’s lastest post..cold turkey
I have written this post in my head a hundred times.
Thank you for putting it out there.
Hugs Jennifer. Take the damn walk at the grocery store, or the library, or somewhere! Just go. You need it, your family needs it and mostly you deserve it.
rachel’s lastest post..Monkey See? Monkey Spoiled.
(((hugs))) Go get a pedicure girl or just a milkshake and sit quietly by yourself somewhere. Take the break! I’ve been there, it’s maddening because they really never will understand all we truely go through. Lots of Love.
The Farmers Wife’s lastest post..One Line or Two? Pink or Blue?
Delurking to say I TOTALLY understand your post. In fact I was you last Friday, almost. I only have one child and she is only one, so I am still feeling new-ish at this motherhood thing. What I can’t figure out is why we hold it all in rather than just saying we need a break? And why do we shoot ourselves in the foot and not take the break when it is offered (why not say ‘No, I don’t want to take a walk but I am going to go to XYZ’ and run with it)? Is it because it would be a daily conversation? Because it is hard to respond without shouting since what we need seems *SO* obvious? I thought maybe it was just an extension of my introverted personality, but it seems more universal than I realized. I have no great insights here, just trying to figure out how to avoid letting the resentment edge out the love. Thanks for the post.
man, you and I might be living the same life in alternate universes!
Sissy’s lastest post..Another Sign
I’m glad you hit publish. If nothing more, at least we have that, right?
Brillig’s lastest post..When the Lights Went Out
Because you hit publish, the rest of us who have felt this way and not said anything are feeling a little less alone.
Thanks.
Insta-Mom’s lastest post..Fear
I want desperately to say in TOTALLY NEW AND INTERESTING way that I feel the very same things and think the very same things and do the very same things and cry the very same tears and yell the very same horrible things and… and…
But I’m not very original or interesting. So who cares.
I have this little rhyme running through my head lately…
Money’s tight,
Times are hard,
Here’s your damn old Christmas card.
Not sure how it applies to YOUR situation, but it totally fits in our house right now.
Here’s my question(s)…
Do we have to laugh with them whenever they try to be funny?
Do we have to want to have fun with them whenever they want to?
Are we really that essential to their happiness and joy and entertainment? If making me laugh is the most entertaining thing he can think of trying to do, then he needs to go to the damn movies.
Can you tell Aunt Flo’s here?
I told The Mighty Hunter last night that I was amped up and wanted someone to piss me off good so I could get mad and cry and feel all better. Believe it or not, he knew that HE should not be the one to piss me off.
Instead, he just left me alone. I went to bed and slept almost all night before Lucky woke up and needed to snuggle.
Auburn Gal Always (Keri)’s lastest post..I managed not to cry
I swear I read this post today and it was exactly how I was feeling this morning – the worst mood ever and SO sick of doing freakin’ everything around here. I put my purse and cell phone in the trunk on the way to work so I wouldn’t call Mike and really lay into him for what, I don’t remember, but boy was I pissed about somethings. And poor Quinn – I feel bad when a little boy doesn’t want to hold his hand, but that doesn’t stop me from getting short with him or telling him to go play by himself because I don’t want to. *sigh* Sometimes it sucks. And sometimes it doesn’t. It would just be nice if it didn’t suck so much or so hard. Uh – what am I talking about?
Yeah – anyway – hope the air clears. I felt a bit better by the time lunch rolled around – getting out to work really helps my pissy moods.
Cathy’s lastest post..The First Day
A-FREAKIN-MEN. Don’t feel badly and I’m glad you hit publish.
Nannette’s lastest post..Ready for My Close-Up
Been there. Done that. Will be doing it again tomorrow. At least I’m not the only one…. or maybe I should wish I was the only one!
hahahehe too funny stuff i like it to read when i sit at computer
I’m glad you published it. So we all know we aren’t alone in this.
catnip’s lastest post..10 must read books
Thank you for reminding me I’m not the only one living this life of crumbs on the floor, milk in the carpet and wails from the baby monitor at 5:58am.
Zellmer’s lastest post..The Random, Unexplainable, Super Annoying Night From Hell
You are not alone and it is nice for me to be reminded that I am not alone. We fought most of our vacation with a few high moments every now and again.
But there were a few times when I just wanted to walk away, but I couldn’t because there is no one else here… it feels as if I have not an ounce of energy left.. but yet I push on.. I’m guessing that is what makes us Moms.. that we battle on.. even when we feel we have nothing left…
Shamalam’s lastest post..Wide Open Spaces
One of the many things I love about your blog is how open and honest you are about your life and the things going on in it. I’m positive that I haven’t heard the same thing 100 times from you. But I have lived through it about that many times.
It’s so hard to get those men to understand sometimes isn’t it? And then we get to the point of not saying anything, because it almost seems pointless.
Oprah (I know, I can’t believe I’m about to say this either) said it best when she said that “Being a mother is the hardest job in the world”.
Being a wife runs a close second sometimes.
((HUGS))
MadWomanMeg’s lastest post..Speaking of lessons learned ….
I haven’t found any good way to explain this phenomenon to my husband. He just doesn’t get it. I’m not sure he can unless he did what I do here at home every day. He usually gets mad and thinks I’m suggesting that he DOESN’T work hard and deal with crap all day. It’s just so hard to explain the monumental difference between dealing with work hassles with adults and dealing with the never-ending demands of infants and children.
So, so glad you hit “publish.” As evidenced by all the moms above saying, “Amen sister!” it’s just so comforting to know that other moms go through the same crap and that we’re not completely insane.
Hang in there.
PsychMamma’s lastest post..Did you know?
I feel ya sister!
Lauren’s lastest post..Computer Time and Picture Taking
Here *hands you my latte*
Here is my shoulder. It is OK, it is waterproof.
Day, weeks, months like that suck.
Thank you so much for posting this. This was exactly like my day today and I’m relieved to hear from you and other comments that I am not alone. Your blog is honest and great.
Wow. First I read your post and was so happy to hear you voicing what’s been in my mind. Then I was practically in tears reading all the comments of others that are feeling the same way. I’m just a little, itty bitty relieved to know that I’m not alone.
Jenny Henny’s lastest post..A True Jen Adventure
I am so with you.
I say: Hit publish every time — it doesn’t stop being true just because we’ve written it before.
Then again, my readers might wish I would stop publishing my sleep debacles… what would I write about instead???
Julie @ the calm before the stork’s lastest post..being nine months old
Oh Jennifer, i know what it’s like, I’ve been there and I know there is nothing I can do to help, to make it go away. Just keep the mantra “this to shall pass” in the back of your mind. It really will pass, I promise.
Gawd, we’ve all felt this way many, many times, haven’t we? I certainly have. Right down to the “shut up”. I HATE it HATE it when Hubby asks if I need to “get away.” Basically, he might as well put an ad in the paper and say, “My wife is a crazy bitch. HELP ME! Save the child(ren)!”
Here’s a little parenting tip for you. It works for me, sometimes…
I go into my laundry room and pound the sh*t out of my washing machine and yell f*ck, sh*t, d*mn, several hundred times. Then I realize that my hand is burning in pain and I kinda forget about what made me so angry in the first place. Kinda. Sorta.
Oh, and just to keep it real for you? My kid gets up between 5 and 5:30 every. single. day. Count your blessings, baby!!
Kia’s lastest post..First Day of Junior Kindergarten…
Yup, I have been there. And there. And there too. The exchanges with your husband could not be written more perfectly.
It really, truly does get easier as they get just a little older though. The four year old watches a movie while I get some extra sleep. The two year old plays with her sister, not needing so much so often from me. As a result I resent the husband less, enjoy him more. The house is still a mess though. That has not changed.
Beth’s lastest post..spoiled
It’s nice to know I am not alone.
Veronica’s lastest post..Ivy Girl
Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. There are so many moments like this daily. The wonderful joys and the ones that make you want to go outside and scream while pouring liquor down your throat. You are a wonderful mom.
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s lastest post..Calgon Stat (A Story of Survival you Might See on a Lifetime Movie)
Carissa over at goodandcrazypeople.blogspot.com recommended I check out your site. Glad I did. I have another mommy with whom I can perfectly relate.
Great post… even though you were frustrated.
jyl @ mommygossip’s lastest post..Wordless Wednesday—Cascade Springs
When I was a SAHM, I could never complain to my (now ex-) husband, because he’d say “You want to stay home, you chose this, don’t effing complain about it. If you don’t like it get a effing job.”
Nice, eh.
I feel your pain, truly I do….
dysfunctional mom’s lastest post..Ladies, this is not pretty.
so glad you hit publish. You needed to vent and you will feel better reading this stuff. I say that even if he is snide in his comments about taking the kids, just do it! You need a break and even if he doesn’t understand he can still keep the kids entertained for a bit. It does get better, I swear! And I agree that it may be as simple as the light waking him up in the morning.
HUGS!!
Heather~Domestic Extraordinaire’s lastest post..out of commission
round here a bit like this too. I am sorry it is hard – I understand 100%. Chin up brave mama! Ride the wave.
amy’s lastest post..But if you try sometimes you just might find
I think most SAHMs have been there and can totally relate.
As they get older, it gets a little better. My kids will crawl in with me and let me sleep a bit. They know how to work the remote to turn PBS on.
The husband part though…well, despite good intentions, they just don’t ever fully GET IT.
Ashlie- MommyCosm’s lastest post..Total Transformation Program: Lesson One: Why Does My Child Act This Way
You are speaking for all of us with this one, J.
Toni’s lastest post..Holy Hanna!
you are preaching to the choir on this one…
GENIUS.
texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana’s lastest post..She keeps linking and linking and linking
Very poorly written. I feel bad for your children damn near. You’re a parent. Suck it up and deal with it. If you didn’t want to give your all (and it appears that you do not, and when you do, you get frustrated), then you should have learned what contraception was. It’s parents like you that need to have your kids taken away. I’ll be DAMNED if I let my child grow up in filth and tell them to shut up.
Have some respect for your children, and for yourself.
Or, in lamens terms.. YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.
Oh Sweetie, I hear you. Motherhood can really and truly suck the life right out of you sometimes. Okay, a lot of times. We give and give and give. I’m sending a lot of hugs to you because you are not alone!!
Brian is just an idiot.
Really. And he has no clue what it is like to raise kids.
I’d delete his comment.
My “kids” are 42, 38, and 35. I haven’t stopped giving yet. But, I have gotten to the place where it’s not ALL about them. I do finally have some “me” time. Once you become a mother, you’re a mother forever.
Fran Carasone’s lastest post..http://carouselle.stumbleupon.com/review/24639250/
@Brian:
Don’t delete this comment as suggested below; this perspective illustrates well the kind of insult-to-injury full-time caregivers are up against.
Gee, Brian, since you know the ‘RIGHT” way…
any helpful suggestions?
I should say, suggested *above* : j
Okay sweetie this is to Brain and hopefully you’ll get something out of this.
Brian,
I had great parents and I grew up well rounded, polite, have two degrees, my own business, and have gotten very far in life because of MY parents. But guess what? My parents did this..
Instead of saying shut up in a angry voice they yelled, “Shut the FUCK up!” And guess what, I did.
If I didn’t guess what else, I got a spanking and with a wooden spoon sometimes. Guess what? It worked.
My mom had no outlet like the internet to vent or get the help of other moms feeling like she did. Jennifer does. I do. It is the best thing ever and helps us to be better parents. It’s called free emotional support and you can’t beat it.
Jennifer isn’t doing a damn thing wrong and it makes me sick to hear you say she is. My parents didn’t do a damn this wrong either. They did what they knew, loved us like crazy, provided for us, empowered us, gave us everything they could but they also were human and sometimes they made mistakes. That doesn’t make them wrong or bad and it sure the hell doesn’t make you the be all end all to say so. We aren’t in Jennifer’s shoes but instead should be offering her comfort, advise and support not judgment and mean comments.
Oh, one more thing…who says a parent has to give all the time and just suck up and deal? The best parent is the one that can sometimes take for themselves to make them a better more giving parent.
Sommer’s lastest post..Let Nature Clear the Air
Oh, I had a morning like that once. I ended up with a hole in my wall because I was so very tired and fed up with my not-sleeping boy (seriously, that boy lived on like 6 hours of sleep a night at the age of 2) that I hit the wall between our rooms. Still feel bad about it now many years later…
We all have days like that…but next time…RUN when you have the chance
Sarah’s lastest post..Ivy Girl
You mean you don’t keep a cold bottle of wine in the fridge?
Thanks to each of you who’ve been so supportive and told me that I’m not alone. All of us have felt this way before, as mothers.
Also thanks for all the defense against “brian.” Just so you all know, s/he is simply a troll looking for us (well ME) to get all up in arms about his comment.
I’m not going to delete it, but leave it so that “brian” can eventually read his/her comment again and be ashamed.
Please ignore “brian” from here on out. Let’s NOT feed the trolls.
And by the way, this is my very first troll…do I get an award??!!!
One last thing, any further comments from “brian” will be deleted, unless it’s an apology for the previous comment. Oh an his/her IP address banned.
I totally know too! I can’t remember the last time I slept though the night, and my youngest is THREE. She slept great when she was a baby. Exhaustion breeds discontent.
Forget the walk… go buy People magazine and get your toenails done. Or eat out with a friend. Or take a WHOLE Saturday off.
I will get better. And then it will get worse again. But it always gets better again.
Hang in there.
Sue @ My Party of 6′s lastest post..Can you hear that?
Sorry… IT will get better.
Sue @ My Party of 6′s lastest post..Can you hear that?
Thank you for this post. Really. Thank you. I have never visited your blog before, so I can’t say I’ve heard this “100 times” but I SURE have felt it at least 100 times.
And hey, congrats on your first troll!
Allison’s lastest post..Turning One is a Big Deal