Since moving to Tennessee, Tate has worked (with the exception of last weekend when I went to Nashville) seven days a week. Monday through Friday he works a minimum of 12 hours, but it usually ends up being 13 or 14 hours. Saturdays and Sundays he has been working “half days,” which in reality is a typical persons workday of about 7 hours. When he’s not at work, he answers numerous work-related phone calls.
I’m not sure if it’s that his new job here is more demanding or if Tate just feels like in order to get his job done, he has to work seven days a week. It doesn’t really matter, though, why he’s at work because what matters is that he’s always at work and we he’s not at work, he’s thinking about work.
I’m trying really hard to be supportive. I know that Tate is feeling a lot of work-related pressure and I’m trying to be mindful not to add home-related pressure as well.
But.
There’s a fine line between being supportive and allowing our family to be put on the backburner. Sometimes, or if I’m being truly honest, very often, I feel like Tate’s job takes a higher priority than our family.
Trying to be supportive means that I have to allow myself to simply accept that Tate sees the kids for an hour every night, we don’t get to make weekend plans, and our time together will be interrupted by phone calls. It means that I don’t allow my annoyance to show and that I smile and welcome Tate home when he finally arrives and cheerfully ask how his day was.
Trying to be supportive could also mean that I allow the kids to stay up well past their bedtimes so they can spend time with their dad. It could mean that we throw caution to the wind and skip naptime on the weekends so that we can plan family outings. Being the primary caregiver of our children means that I know that keeping to a schedule is best for the kids, and selfishly, for me.
But.
There is a fine line between doing what I know is best for our family and being a passive-aggressive wife who is grasping at the one, tiny thing I feel like I can control.
I’m constantly at odds with myself, trying to walk the delicate line and find the balance of being supportive, being the best mom to my kids, and trying to get Tate to understand that I cannot be the only one to fit him into our family’s routines.
There is a not-so-fine line between being the 1950′s version of the perfect housewife and being me.
I’m sorry, Jennifer. This sucks. If it’s any consolation, I would likely feel the same. I would be resentful but desperately try to present the “brave face.” But probably I would end up blowing up eventually… I wish I had some advice for you.
Michelle´s lastest post..Cautionary tale
Huh. Must be something about the state. We moved here from FL 3 years ago and I have barely seen my husband since. An early day is 10 hours. The kids see him for an hour a day, on a good day. I feel your pain.
I’m married to a work-a-holic. The only thing that helps me keep sane is remembering that he’s working FOR US, and for our family… He would rather be home, too, but because of fear (of not getting the contract, of losing the job, of the company failing) he feels like he has to be there, at work, to keep us safe.
Can you have one day, maybe Sunday, and designate it a no-work day? What would he think?
Hang in there, I know it’s hard. But it beats having the kind of husband that you have to blast off of the couch with fireworks to get him to go to work, right?
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
Amy´s lastest post..Ways you can share photos
ugh. do you think it’s temporary? If this situation looks like it’s going to be long term….you all better sit down and talk over expectations.
I’m sure he doesn’t try and put work in front of family…cuz really, he has a hot wife and adorable kids and all.
When I start feeling the back burner seat, I kindly remind my husband “that a happy wife means a happy life”….
My husband is either at work or talking to someone from work or working on something outside. Seems like family is about 5th in line sometimes. With any luck in time he will get to feeling like he can let work “slide” a little and carve out a little family time. Hang in there.
justmylife´s lastest post..ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION!!!!
My husband works 6 days a week, 12 hours at least a day. He gets home around 1am, and sleeps until about 11. So, during the school year, the kids only see him on Sundays and the lucky Monday night. It’s hard, it really is. I have no advice, just wanted to say I understand.
Mr Lady´s lastest post..For Every Action
It’s hard isn’t it? Headless Dad works in an ‘emergency services’ industry and has to answer his phone 24/7, and sometimes even on vacation. I totally know how you feel. It gets easier as they get older because we don’t have to be as rigid on their schedule. Luckily HD, at the time, understood the need for their schedule to make my days go better.
Hang in there. And find a babysitter and take yourselves out. Sounds like you need a little couple time to reconnect after this crazy month. I know that after a particularly busy time being together helps to quiet the resentment A LOT.
Headless Mom´s lastest post..BFL-Try, Try Again
You really REALLY need to talk to him. Be open and honest about your feelings. It may not change anything, but at least you will feel better knowing that he knows how you feel. I don’t mean just nagging him or anything…when he IS home…have a sit down with him after the kids are in bed and just talk about it. Talk about how you didnt want to move and how his working is taking over. One day he will wish for this time back…
Sandy´s lastest post..I can’t catch a (WoW) break…
Oh my gosh, I feel like you looked into my brain and wrote this post. I can sooooo relate to this. It was one thing when my husband missed my birthday dinner when we were first married, but an entirely different ball game when he missed the kindergarten musical.
My husband is gone before anyone in the house wakes up and gets home right as I am putting the kids to bed. And that’s when he’s in town. It really sucks sometimes. There’s just no way around it.
I have a cartoon taped to my fridge that shows a man in an office saying, “honey, it looks like I’m going to be stuck late at the office, would you mind raising the kids?”
If nothing else, know you are not alone. Solidarity!
Mama Ginger Tree´s lastest post..The Cart of My Dreams
We went through a long period of The Man’s late hours, and we moved the kids schedules back so that they went to bed around 9 or 10 at night, and slept in until 8 or nine in the morning. The only argument against this that anyone could give me was having to wake up early for school, which they didn’t attend at the time.
If it’s really important, and this schedule continues, consider this option. It might be hard for a few days of them still waking up early, but they would probably adjust, and they would get to see their dad.
Other than that, no words of wisdom. Hope you guys work out a solution soon.
all things BD´s lastest post..Fashion Tuesday
You’re preaching to the choir. I constantly feel like our family takes a backseat to work and sometimes hubby’s hobby. We just keep on keeping on and hope that things will even out sooner than later.
Angie´s lastest post..Is That All There Is?
when first was born, hubby still worked ALL the time, he would get home around 9pm….this is why i had a sitter b/c i was incapable of being the soul caret taker to my kid. however after the second he would get home by 7pm which helped a ton. just recently thanks to the economy hubby is no longer home much. i am back to soul provider…7am to bedtime folks. and we got rid of the sitter. i am trying to be ok with this and realize that in these times, having a job is pretty lucky. however, 24/7 no help takes its toll.
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@Mama ginger Tree
Exactly, there’s no way around it. His work schedule isn’t going to change. For 10 years he’s worked lots of hours, but since moving it’s become 7 days a week.
I’ll take the solidarity!
I understand only too well… I have THREE children, not four, though my husband would disagree as he likes to leave the household organization and activities’ planning to me. Which I am not too thrilled about…
tracey´s lastest post..I can smell the cotton candy already!!
I would sit him down and ask if this going to be a regular thing or a “new to the job” thing.
I understand how you feel, I would be mad, sad and scared.
tuesday´s lastest post..Notes For A Former Lover
Oh, my. Been there. Done that. I’m sorry.
My best advice is to *try* to remain patient. Find a way to get time to yourself. Talk to your husband before the resentment builds up…or else you’ll find yourself throwing his cell phone out the car window in a fit. *ahem* just an example, not like I ever did THAT…Ok, so I did.
Seriously, when I find myself “nagging” my husband about family time, I remind him that we miss him and want to spend time with him. When we stop wanting his undivided attention, he should worry…b/c it means that we’ve stopped caring.
Ashlie- Mommycosm´s lastest post..Wordless Wednesday: Field Trip
Good luck. I have absolutely no advice, but tons and tons of empathy. You figure it all out then enlighten me. I hope it helps to know you’re not alone.
Mom24@4evermom´s lastest post..My day…in twenty four hours
I have trouble putting on a brave face when my husband is late or has to work one long day, so just, empathy and sympathy and lots of good thoughts coming your way. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Once he settles in and knows the ropes? A time limit would help me.
anymommy´s lastest post..Mommy Crack
i am married to a (wonderful) man who works 12 hour days 5 days a week and is constantly glued to his Blackberry all weekend long. I feel your pain. I too try to remain supportive, but I have to admit, sometimes I just lose my sh*t and go off!!!!
Oh, Jennifer, I’m so sorry. That truly sucks. Has work (or Tate) given you any indication when this crazy might slow down? And, you are obviously much better than me at being a wife. I’d shit bricks.
Anglophile Football Fanatic´s lastest post..The Divorce
Whoops. I hit enter before I was ready.
And, then I’d throw those bricks at hubby.
Also, that’s not my latest post.
My favorite husband recently changed jobs and he’s more stressed than he was at the old J*O*B. Happy, but stressed. Good luck getting settled. I’m sure he’ll lighten up soon.
marye~´s lastest post..Suzuki Violin Method
Sounds tough! Congrats on keeping the perspective! I think i’d be loosing mine!
Anita Kaiser´s lastest post..Last Fall Road of the Year
Did you somehow read my mind and put my thoughts down in writing?
I totally get where you
are coming from because it sounds just like my husband and his work life. Insert Texas instead of Tennessee.
I’m thinking about you and hoping it gets better really soon.
andria´s lastest post..Three Little Pumpkins Sitting on a Log Drove Their Mama Crazy…. Something, Something
I know how you feel, my husband works for the “family” business, which will soon be “our” business, so he also works the same kind of hours. It’s tough living the life of a single mom when you actually have a husband, you just never see him. But I have to remind myself that he is doing it to support us and that someday he will (hopefully) slow down and smell the roses. For now, we bask in his presence on the one night a week he comes home early.
I’m sorry! I have NO words of advice to give since I don’t know your real situation. I hope that something changes though and you get to feel better about your entire family.
Sorry, dear. I hope things slow down for him soon.
Sissy´s lastest post..A Beautiful Wordless Wednesday
He is probably just trying to prove himself at the new job and the hours will get shorter as he becomes more confident in himself amongst his new peers. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for you.
rockzee´s lastest post..End of an Era
I know *exactly* what you mean. Sadly, the same issue has damn near ruined my marriage, but we’re doing the best we can.
Just let go of the inkling to be passive aggressive and tell him exactly what’s on your mind, and see what you both can do to make it easier on one another.
Maria´s lastest post..You’re My Weekend
While I can sympathize with you, try not to forget this: at night, he DOES come home. He sleeps in bed, with you, and he DOES get to see the kids, however briefly. For the last 12 months, my husband has been a “work-a-holic”…in Iraq. Working EVERY day, EVERY night, EVERY weekend. He has seen his son for a total of 18 days. While it is a life we’ve chosen for ourselves, it doesn’t change the fact that he isn’t home at night, that he doesn’t get to see his son. Treasure the time you do have regardless of how much it is!
Yup, that is hard. Our life is the same. I try to be supportive, just like you say, but every now and then, I blow up. Then I feel guilty. I always did keep mine up late when they were little for these very reasons, but then we had no alone time. Although what would it matter, he’s exhausted by then.
Hey, I just wanted to say that the thing that struck me about your post was your clear commitment to your marriage. I think it is great that you realize how to do that. Yes, skipping naps DOES suck, but if it means that you can all spend time together, maybe it’s worth it sometimes. Not every day. And letting the kids stay up late to spend time with dad? See, you get it. You see the big picture. I hear what you’re saying about walking the line, though. I think you need to talk to Tate, and explain how you feel. Show him the sacrifices you’ve been making and just ask him to think about making some sacrifices of his own. Don’t ask him to make any decisions on the spot, but give him time to think about it. I mean, what is a job for? It’s to earn money so you can live. But are you really living?
This is the craziest notion in the world… but if he doesn’t like the long hours either, and the separation from his family, would he ever consider changing companies or changing industries all together? Our family did this recently. It meant moving far away from our extended families but in the long run it was a decision that will be better for our own family.
Just something to think about.
Texan Mama´s lastest post..Century Club
Well, I don’t know about you all, but I feel better after reading this post and all the comments. I thought I was all alone in this. My husband is out the door at 4:30 AM and back home around 8 PM. And, since we live in China, he’s often taking calls from his bosses in D.C. during the night. Jennifer, I never thought about it as a passive-aggressive thing, but I think maybe you’re right – sometimes on the weekend, if he comes home in the afternoon, I refuse to go out and mess up my schedule – probably because it is the one thing I can control. I guess I should/could do better at that.
Donna´s lastest post..The Big Track Meet
This working long hours is a temporary thing, right?
RIGHT?!?!?!?
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Oh Jennifer! Like the previous commenters, I can commiserate all too well and yes, it sucks!
Hopefully it just a matter of settling into his new gig and things will settle down soon.
Grace´s lastest post..Putting Humpty Dumpty Together Again
I walk that same fine line. And it stinks. I hope it’s temporary for Tate and once he’s in the swing of his new job, he can be home more. I think you need to have a pow-wow – not to gripe, but to ask if this is going to get better.
Sue @ My Party of 6´s lastest post..The Girl Scouts don’t mess around
Jennifer, I wish I had some advice, or even some comforting words. Just know that I am thinking of you, and hoping that it isn’t a permanent thing. Hang in there!!!
Mandy´s lastest post..Ch. ch. ch. ch. changes
I am so right there with you…I am a basketball widow. I am very resentful at times….last year he even suggested he couldn’t miss a tournament game on the day our son was born!
He was more worried about not showing up for the game than not showing up for my C-Section. He finally came around, but to this day he puts us on the backburner and I just don’t get it. What could be more important than family? Oh, and if he wants to see the kids, he better come home before bedtime because I’m not messing up their routine (I’m such a hag).
I’m really hoping this isn’t the long-term plan, because it’s too hard for a family to function like that (obviously).
Sending a big hug your way.
Angella´s lastest post..Guarding My Heart
Hey Jennifer,
Consider me an echo. I am married to a workaholic and it sucks. A lot. I don’t think I have any advice that hasn’t been posted already. Just know that I feel your pain.
Deb´s lastest post..A personal…
My husband has worked 13+ hours a day 5-6 days a week since we got married 7 years ago. It sucks, but I keep going knowing that it’s not going to be like this forever. It helps me stay sane. Hang in there.
KD (A Bit Squirrelly)´s lastest post..Thankful Thursdays: Simple Pleasures
Maybe it’s a conversation you’ve had before, with him, but if you haven’t then I’d show him this post. Talk to him. Reason with him. Don’t nag, even though the temptation might be there. Don’t get irritated when he gets defensive. He sees himself as working hard to support his family. He must not be allowed to see your conversation as an attack on him and his efforts to support the family. He thinks he’s doing the best he can. and it’s obvious his work needs him. He needs to understand his family needs him, too. He can see that his work needs him. He needs help understanding that there is more to being a good husband and father than working himself to death and cheating his family out of their fair share of his time, and love, and understanding.
lceel´s lastest post..Wordy Wednesday – as if …
You have just wonderfully voiced pretty much exactly how I feel. Hubby sees J about 1 hour each night. Often one or 2 nights each week, he doesn’t see her b/c he’s traveling or home late. He works at least half the day on Saturdays and we have the same struggles with schedules on the weekend. Ugh. Whenever I talk to Hubby about it, he immediately becomes defensive and says he’s working to pay all our bills and for the life we’re living. Then, I feel guilty for bringing it up and/or for not working. Then, I get angry inside again. Oy.
This is probably our biggest “argument.” If you come up with a solution, let me know.
PsychMamma´s lastest post..Winter Boots for Kids
I hope his job slows down sometime soon…..that is way too much “work”. I can’t imagine the burnout I’d feel. Or the burnout you’ll feel after long periods of being the only one to do everything for the kids and the one who has to work around such a heavy work schedule as his. Good luck; I hope it gets better the more settled in you all get!
I could have written this post. My hubby works in film which means 14-16 hour days. He sleeps all day Saturday and gets up a noon Sunday. During the week I am in bed when he comes home and he’s sleeping or gone when I get up and off to work.
It’s good money but it takes your life and we are in the midst of rethinking EVERYTHING as a result…
Don Mills Diva´s lastest post..Let freedom ring
This really hit home for me.
Except that I don’t have HALF the grace in walking that fine line that you displayed here.
Miss Britt´s lastest post..Why you should probably not invite me to your Passion Party
Sometimes being the woman in a marriage sucks a huge unkosher dill pickle.
From a mom with older kids, I’ll throw out a gentle reminder that working around nap times will pass and there will be more freedom for when you can have weekend family time.
And to end it, I’ll just say this….MEN!
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s lastest post..So I lied. This IS a monarchy
*sighs*
I often joke that my husband’s first wife is his job. Which would be funny except it’s not. Because it’s true. I often feel like an angry mistress whenever I get annoyed by my kids NOT seeing him all week long. I feel guilty when I’m mad about the constant interruption. I don’t want to be angry about being a single-during-the-week-mother.
*sighs*
If you come up with a solution so we don’t feel this way, please, PLEASE let me know.
Becky´s lastest post..Huffin’ And Puffin’ My Way To The Top
Ooooh, the whole 1950′s housewife thing makes me crazy. How the hell did we all get here? On the bright side you do have a blog on which to write brilliant posts that hopefully serve as a little bit of free therapy. Don’t you find that this stuff builds up like a pressure cooker and that, although you don’t want to put “home stress” on top of his already stressful life, having an honest talk might relieve some of the steam enough to keep things manageable? Good luck, it won’t always be this bad.
Gray Matter´s lastest post..It’s 10pm do you Know Where the end of Your Day is?
Oh, Jennifer. I’m so sorry. You must feel so lonely and frustrated. I have no advice except to say – I hope you have other moms to hang out and commiserate with. And please call or e-mail anytime. I’m sending you interwebby hugs.
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