From Eek to Chic

All week I’ve been intermittently high on cold medicine. One minute I’m all drippy with snot and achy in the head region, the next minute I’m dressed in skin tight faded black leggings and a too-small Callaghan’s Irish Social Club t-shirt thinking what a swell idea it would be to leave the house and been seen in public! I regrettably decided to go shopping.

Sidenote: I watch a lot of What Not to Wear and try very hard to follow Stacy and Clinton’s rules, one being not going out in public looking like a schlub and two, not wearing skin tight faded black leggings and a bar t-shirt that barely covers my gut.

Seriously. How do real drug addicts make it through the day? I can’t even make good judgments about my clothes choices with one damn dose of Tylenol Cold.

I suppose it’s no wonder that I was flagged as a potential shoplifter at Marshall’s, looking the way I did, hopped up on goofballs.

There I was, minding my own business, carrying 43 pounds of clothes around the store, talking outloud to myself about each item (should I buy this? really? is it too “young?”, is it too “old lady who’s getting increasingly larger?”). Eventually I made my way to the toddler section and was aimlessly scanning the racks while trying to remember what I had intended to buy for Carson, when I noticed a man also “browsing.”

I may have been a little off, but I could tell he just didn’t belong there. First of all, the man was totally out of place in Marshall’s at 11 AM on a Wednesday, there were no other men in the store. Secondly, he was very randomly pretending to look through racks of toddler clothes while STARING AT ME.

Since now I felt stupid AND awkward for being pegged as a shoplifter, on top of feeling loopy, I went straight to the register to PAY for my clothes.

Once my medication had worn off and I was back home, I realized that I smelled like a boy’s locker room full of sweaty gym socks AND I had mascara smudged under my eyes. So yeah, maybe I did actually fit the profile of a shoplifter. Or possibly I was just being paranoid, I hear that’s a common side effect if being high.

Then today I was totally redeemed when a kind, lovely, darling woman at Bible study told me that she just loves the way I dress and that I always look so pulled together.

(I won’t mention that my husband and children asked me if I was trying to be a superhero in my new cape.) (Assholes.)

My new “cape” WAS PURCHASED at Marshall’s. DKNY, regularly $185, I paid…a lot less. I can’t remember how much less. Did I mention I was high on cold meds at the time?