I don’t know exactly what I expected out of motherhood. Maybe I had some idea, I envisioned the baking cookies part (which I rarely do) and the afternoon filled with crafts (yeah, I don’t do those either). I imagined the first day of school and Christmas morning, as if life was going to be a series of smiling photographs.
**********
Four years ago today I was in a labor and delivery suite, scared, excited, full of hope, and ready to become a mother.
At 37 1/2 weeks I was diagnosed with Intrauterine Growth Restriction, which basically meant that Carson wasn’t growing as expected. Despite spending my entire pregnancy preparing for a drug-free birth, I ended up being induced.
Pregnant and hormonal, I felt let down and disappointed, but I knew that being induced was the right thing for Carson. The pitocin was started very early in the morning. I had a very understanding nurse who respected my wish to be mobile throughout labor, but did restrict me to movement around my hospital room only. For several hours, my contractions were mild enough, Tate and I listened to music, and hung out on my birthing ball.
Labor was no big deal!
Until it was a big deal. The contractions became incredibly painful and were back to back, with no breaks in between. Tate told me afterwards that I had been consumed by the pain, saying things that made no sense. I don’t remember losing it or speaking in tongues, but I do remember the point that I’d had enough and asked for an epidural.
I still regret, sort of, well, kind of…asking for the epidural. The end result was that I got a pretty great kid, who was healthy out of the deal. I just had planned on going drug free and really wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.
The epidural caused my blood pressure to drop dramatically, Carson’s heart rate decreased, the pitocin was stopped, there were nurses in the room staring at the monitors, ready to call for an emergency C-section at any moment. Eventually both Carson and I recovered and then I remember feeling that urge to push, though I wasn’t sure if that was what I was really feeling since I’d never done the whole “having a baby” thing before.
Tate called for a nurse who checked me DOWN THERE and determined that yessirree, I was ready to push. My doctor was called while I spent what felt like hours panting, waiting for her baby catching hands. I think I only pushed for about 15 minutes and then there was the ring of fire and then there was Carson.
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I had no idea how my life would change. It wasn’t about me, it wasn’t about Tate and I anymore. My entire existence suddenly became my son. His life was dependent on me and my ability to keep him fed and warm.
Now that he’s four, (OMG! He’s FOUR! FOUR!!???) I really wish that I could have relaxed and actually enjoyed him those first two and a half months.
I’m certain that when he’s twelve, I’m going to say the same thing about when he was four.
***********
Age three for Carson was …so much. It was great, it was horrifying, it was embarrassing, it was a honor to be his mother. By age three, I had finally gotten into that groove of being a mom. No, life wasn’t a series of happy photographs. It was filled with daily feedings, constant vigilance to keep the kid from implosion, laughing, and crying.
He still fills the majority of my existence, but I watch as his independence blooms everyday.
***********
While Carson spent some time in the nursery after he was born, I spent some time alone in my hospital room eating the most delicious hamburger and fries that had ever passed my lips.
Tonight I’m going to enjoy some Macaroni and Cheese, chocolate milk, a specially decorated John Deere cake and “homemade” vanilla ice cream (courtesy of Mayfield Dairy) with my birthday boy.
Not exactly as delicious a meal as four years ago, but I’m sure there will be plenty of smiling photo opps.
Katie
October 28, 2009 at 12:19 am
I can’t believe he is 4! Happy Birthday Carson!!!!
Carrie
October 28, 2009 at 12:55 am
Happy birthday, Carson!
Carrie´s last blog ..I let him go out of town alone for one weekend
Heather-Domestic Extraordinaire
Twitter: DExtraordinaire
October 28, 2009 at 5:39 am
Happy Birthday Carson!
Heather-Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday-Saying Good bye
Michelle
October 28, 2009 at 5:56 am
Happy Birthday, Carson!
ClassyFabSarah
Twitter: ClassyFabSarah
October 28, 2009 at 7:20 am
Happy Birthday Carson!
ClassyFabSarah´s last blog ..Hey Punkin’
Kara
October 28, 2009 at 7:24 am
Happy Birthday Carson!
This post made me cry like a baby as my little boy will be 5 in 6 weeks and I already can’t believe I’ve been a mother that long. I guess what they say is true time really is flying by. (except when your in target with a whiny screaming kid who wants a slushy)
Beth
October 28, 2009 at 7:49 am
Happy Birthday to your little man!! My baby will be 4 soon, too, and it feels like I just had him yesterday. Love the cake!
Devan
October 28, 2009 at 7:55 am
Happy birthday to your big boy!
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake
October 28, 2009 at 8:29 am
Happy birthday, Carson! I miss celebrating in person with you.
P.S. I have to say that is an excellent John Deere yellow.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s last blog ..Monkey See, Monkey Doo Doo (Revisited)
LZ @ My Messy Paradise
Twitter: mymessyparadise
October 28, 2009 at 8:30 am
Happy Birthday, Carson!
LZ @ My Messy Paradise´s last blog ..Sleep is for the weak. I’m very weak.
C @ Kid Things
Twitter: kidthingsnet
October 28, 2009 at 8:38 am
Happy Birthday!
C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..100
Leslie
Twitter: mymommysplace
October 28, 2009 at 8:40 am
Happy Birthday to your boy!
Leslie´s last blog ..Tonight, He’s Gone Again
mayberry
October 28, 2009 at 9:53 am
You’re both adorable. Happy birthday Carson!
Kat
October 28, 2009 at 10:18 am
Aww. It just goes too fast.
Happy Birthday, Carson!
Kat´s last blog ..Blessed
Michelle
October 28, 2009 at 10:45 am
Happy 4th Birthday Carson!
Rebecca
October 28, 2009 at 10:58 am
Happy fourth birthday to him, and happy fourth anniversary of becoming a mom to you!
amy2boys
Twitter: amy2boys
October 28, 2009 at 11:53 am
Happy Birthday to him!!!!!!!
amy2boys´s last blog ..Smile for Mommy Sweetheart
HaB
Twitter: HaBryerton
October 28, 2009 at 12:34 pm
WOW!!! 4!!! Happy B-day Carson!
Thanks for sharing your birth story – And – You ROCK for making that cake! Well done!
HaB´s last blog ..Wordless/Wordful Wednesday: Apples, Apples & MORE Apples!
Must Be Motherhood
October 28, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Happy birthday to you both, Mama. Thanks for sharing your birthing story. You kept it brief, poingnant, and to the point. (I seem to ramble a bit in my own. Yeah. JUST a bit.)
Must Be Motherhood´s last blog ..Introducing the Pageant Mother and Her Brat
Jennifer
Twitter: playgroupie
October 28, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Must Be Motherhood, Oh it wouldn’t have been brief had I written it four years ago. It’s amazing how many details I’ve forgotten in 4 years. I wish I wouldn’t have waited so long to write it down!
lceel
October 28, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Happy Birthday, Boy. Well done, Mom.
lceel´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Reception
Jen
October 28, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Happy Birthday Carson!
I love that picture of you. You look stunning. I can so clearly remember the grilled cheese sandwich I ate after my daughter was born. After 24 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing that grilled cheese seemed like the best thing I had ever eaten in my life.
Jen´s last blog ..It was … Soap! Poisoning!
Sarah
October 28, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Lovely blog today, and precious pics! I hope your son has a very Happy and blessed Birthday.
Sarah´s last blog ..Blue Eyes
kj @ Where my boys at?
Twitter: KJ_is_GFree
October 28, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Happy Birthday Little Man!
Enjoy that cake!
kj @ Where my boys at?´s last blog ..7Days :: day 7
mep
October 28, 2009 at 9:20 pm
What a beautiful post. I’m tearing up, thinking about my own little guy who’s turning four in January.
Your cake kicks ass.
mep´s last blog ..No time to make excuses for not blogging . . .
Anna See
October 28, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Happy Birthday, Carson! What a dear boy.
Anna See´s last blog ..So Many Skittles, So Little Time
patois
Twitter: patois42
October 29, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Happy happy happy to you all.
patois´s last blog ..Blue’s Clues: Boo!
Stacie Haight Connerty
Twitter: StacieinAtlanta
October 29, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Oh he is beautiful! What a big boy. I love the hospital picture of your guys!!
mpotter
October 30, 2009 at 8:59 am
Hope the birthday was a great success! fantastic cake.
i’m with you on the birthing story. i also had planned for a natural experience. and it was (excruciatingly so) for about 20 of the hours.
hindsight is SO needed beforehand, don’t you think?
b/c yes… our kids came out fine. epidrual (spinal tap, and c-section) and all!
oh, and carson? a CUTIE!
mpotter´s last blog ..the making of The Mr.
Maria
November 1, 2009 at 7:43 am
I love this.
Happy Birthday, little man.
Maria´s last blog ..time travel at the Citgo
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November 9, 2009 at 3:01 am
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