Logically I know that it was five years ago when I sat in Carson’s soon to be nursery, in the green gingham chair, holding his empty baby book. It feels like it was maybe a few weeks ago, perhaps a month, that I flipped through those pages and came upon the one of the last pages in the book, “My first day of Kindergarten.”
I wept thinking about the tiny baby growing in my womb that would one day be an independent boy that would leave me everyday for elementary school. Tate rubbed my back and tried to console me, “Don’t worry about that now,” he said. “This won’t happen for five years!”
Five years felt like a very off idea. Five years has almost come to sit like an elephant in the middle of my heart.
The children being away for two days a week at preschool has been amazing.
I know that Carson still has until next school year before he goes to Kindergarten, but I’m already feeling the sadness of him being away from me, from Ella, for five days a week. Two days a week at school=PERFECT. Five days a week at school=OUCH.
And I’m already anticipating next year because the feeling of five years being a far off idea turned out to be wrong. Time is going much too quickly.
For the past several years, Carson and Ella have received a free book every month from Dolly Parton’s wonderful program, Imagination Library. Children receive these books until they reach the age of five.
Carson’s final book arrived yesterday, “Look Out Kindergarten, Here I Come.”
I tried to read the letter on the inside of the book to Carson from Dolly herself, the first two paragraphs were fine, but I couldn’t finish the letter without crying.
“There is no limit to what you can do or how far you can go. Just remember the lessons my family taught me- dream big dreams; learn everything you can learn; and care for all those who care for you. You do all of these things and you can be anyone you want to be. You are terrific, and remember…I Will Always Love You, Dolly”
Carson and Ella both look at me, worried, Ella’s soft fingers reached out to wipe the tears from my cheeks.
“Don’t cry Mo…,” Carson tried to say before giving into tears himself.
I hugged him and explained that Mommy was just feeling a little sad that he was getting to be such a big boy and how I had such big dreams for him, how he was once a tiny baby who needed me to do everything for him, but now he was his own independent little person. Carson and I continued to cry as I held both kids in my arms.
As Carson sobbed he managed to tell me why he was really crying.
“So? I don’t get anymore books in the mail?!?!”