Logically I know that it was five years ago when I sat in Carson’s soon to be nursery, in the green gingham chair, holding his empty baby book. It feels like it was maybe a few weeks ago, perhaps a month, that I flipped through those pages and came upon the one of the last pages in the book, “My first day of Kindergarten.”
I wept thinking about the tiny baby growing in my womb that would one day be an independent boy that would leave me everyday for elementary school. Tate rubbed my back and tried to console me, “Don’t worry about that now,” he said. “This won’t happen for five years!”
Five years felt like a very off idea. Five years has almost come to sit like an elephant in the middle of my heart.
*****
The children being away for two days a week at preschool has been amazing.
I know that Carson still has until next school year before he goes to Kindergarten, but I’m already feeling the sadness of him being away from me, from Ella, for five days a week. Two days a week at school=PERFECT. Five days a week at school=OUCH.
And I’m already anticipating next year because the feeling of five years being a far off idea turned out to be wrong. Time is going much too quickly.
*****
For the past several years, Carson and Ella have received a free book every month from Dolly Parton’s wonderful program, Imagination Library. Children receive these books until they reach the age of five.
Carson’s final book arrived yesterday, “Look Out Kindergarten, Here I Come.”
I tried to read the letter on the inside of the book to Carson from Dolly herself, the first two paragraphs were fine, but I couldn’t finish the letter without crying.
“There is no limit to what you can do or how far you can go. Just remember the lessons my family taught me- dream big dreams; learn everything you can learn; and care for all those who care for you. You do all of these things and you can be anyone you want to be. You are terrific, and remember…I Will Always Love You, Dolly”
Carson and Ella both look at me, worried, Ella’s soft fingers reached out to wipe the tears from my cheeks.
“Don’t cry Mo…,” Carson tried to say before giving into tears himself.
I hugged him and explained that Mommy was just feeling a little sad that he was getting to be such a big boy and how I had such big dreams for him, how he was once a tiny baby who needed me to do everything for him, but now he was his own independent little person. Carson and I continued to cry as I held both kids in my arms.
As Carson sobbed he managed to tell me why he was really crying.
“So? I don’t get anymore books in the mail?!?!”
That is so sweet and so typical… Girls wipe the tears and the boys find their own sadness within yours!
God Bless babyhood, it is so fleeting. Until they sprout their own wings, which we want, yet don’t.
Awww…what a great story. I’d like to think I was eased into kindergarten with my boy…he did a year of 3K (2 days/week for 2 hrs at a crack) then started a 4K program (mornings 5 days/week) before we moved. He’s an older kindergartener, and it was very easy to see that he was *beyond* ready to go off and learn. It felt wrong to be sad about him going off on his own…holding him back was out of the question. But it *is* sad that they just don’t need you anymore. :’(
Tell Carson that once he’s in school he can order those great Scholastic books from those flyers. We just got our first order back yesterday! My kids thought it was CHRISTMAS!
Colleen – Mommy Always Wins´s last [type] ..GTL- baby! Minus the T and the L
So sweet. I know EXACTLY how you feel.
the mama bird diaries´s last [type] ..another moment of parental anxiety
That is precious! I’m sure Sophia would cry over the lack of books in the mail too. What an awesome idea to have those books come. It will be hard but there is so much wonder to come from having a kindergartner!
Brittany at Mommy Words´s last [type] ..Ellen Pompeo Joins the Huggies Every Little Bottom Ambassador Team!
I would say more….but I can’t see through the tears!!!!!
Yes, Carson. It’s true. You have grown beyond Dolly’s books. But soon, very soon, there will be other books. And besides, you can always take your love of books to the one place in the world that’s especially designed to fulfill that love’s desires – the Library. And in the Library, you’ll find more books that you could ever possibly read in ten lifetimes – and even if your Library is a small Library with just a few books, all Libraries talk to each other and will make any book they have available to you. All you have to do is ask.
lceel´s last [type] ..100 Word Challenge – Handsome
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Scary Mommy, home town. home town said: RT @ScaryMommy: This totally made me laugh. RT @playgroupie: Dolly Parton made us cry – http://tinyurl.com/37axsq7 [...]
love this. laughed AND cried with you.
MommyNamedApril´s last [type] ..Brusha Brusha Brusha!
Totally crying until I got to Carson’s last word. Great laugh today! (You’ll totally be fine with K when it gets here. Seriously. Then you’ll really want Ella to go. It’s just the natural flow of things.)
Headless Mom´s last [type] ..Missed it
Aww, I totally was crying along with you all too, until I read the last line. Thanks for a cry and a chuckle today!
WHY DID YOU MAKE ME CRY DAMNIT?????
That is very sweet. What a wonderful program. Just today I was telling my mom how I just finished nursing my baby (10 months) and how I feel happy and sad all at the same time. That’s the truth for SO much of parenting: feeding themselves, going to school, making their own decisions, learning their own mistakes. Here’s a little warning: it never gets easier. Sorry, but it’s true.
Texan Mama´s last [type] ..Home
My little boy left for university two weeks ago. That’s a very big elephant sitting in my heart….
My youngest started Kindergarten this year. I have walked three older children down the hallway to their first days, and each was heart wrenching, but this last one…I physically broke in two. He. is. my. baby. I know this feeling, and it makes me cry even still and it’s been a month now. The house is too quiet, to still, to empty. But his shining happy face as he races up the hill after getting off the bus with his sister dragging behind him….that heals me. He comes home to ME!
I saw the title of your post and the book in your photo, and I knew. I knew. We have that book. With Dolly’s letter inside. And I cried. Oh, I cried. I’ll love Dolly forever and ever for that letter and the one inside the first Little Engine that Could book and for every book she sent in between.
(My husband once bought Phil Bredesen a cup of coffee at Starbucks to thank him for partnering with Dolly to make the Imagination Library possible. Bredesen said something to the effect that the program does so much good for such a small cost per child.)
Rebecca at Toothwhale´s last [type] ..Inside the Frame- Circles
Wow, how ironic. I couldn’t wait for my daughter to start school! LOL
Cheryl D.´s last [type] ..Anything at All
You know, I mourned the beginning on K with my twins too. I think I processed it for so long that by the time it actually came around, I was so ready for it. It was still sad, but I’d worked through my emotions on it and I was ready to let go. Well, sorta ready. I guess what I mean was, I was still a little sad but I was also so excited for them and their new big adventure.
It seems like you are dealing with it like I did- processing how you feel about it now, way ahead of time. So my hope is that you too will be ready to send him off next fall. Or, as ready as you’ll ever be, I guess.
Marie Green´s last [type] ..A Good Day
So very sweet…and sending me crying. Oh geez…everyone has me crying today. It’s just not fair.
Sarah´s last [type] ..Lingering for a while…
My daughter got the same book in the mail and it produced the same reaction from me. I wish Carson had been around to make me laugh.
Jen´s last [type] ..Emotional girl
Quinn has full-day kindergarten. Five days a week. THAT is hard. He’s got Monday and Tuesday off next week – I cannot wait.
It is fun, though, hearing him talk about his day.
oh I know the feeling. Often I’m crying because of sentimental reason, while my kids are crying because I’m not giving them another snack.
Lovely really…
designhermomma´s last [type] ..The Weekly Gimme – The Binding Bee
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I love this post. I love Dolly Parton. And I love the fact that my son is in first grade now.
Kindergarten WAS such a complex emotional time. The grief of such an in-your-face letting your baby into the world.
But what I couldn’t anticipate was the sheer joy of watching him LEARN TO READ and grow into a schoolboy.
p.s. This reminds me of when my Dad told me his girlfriend left when I was about six. I cried and cried. He thought I was grieving over his girlfriend but when he asked I said “YOU RUINED OUR GAME OF SPUD!”
Oh I love this.
Just wait, he’ll love the Scholastic book things that get mailed home all the time.
I have never heard of Dolly’s reading program, but it sounds so cool. I love her too. My son went 2 days a week last year when he was three years old. Now that he is four and in the Pre-K program he goes every single day. I was so emotional the first week but it has worked out better than I could ever imagine. The day to day consistency is great for him and he just loves it. Remember, you have the holidays and the entire summer to be home with them both. And I even think the weekends are more special now too.
PopMommy Pam´s last [type] ..Giraffes and Ice Cream Cones
I’ve sent four off to school, and it doesn’t really get any easier or less emotional.
It is hard watching them get so big – My little guy started Junior Kindergarten this year, and he’s not 4 until December. He just looks so tiny beside some of the other kids! But he talks about his school all the time, and he’s so proud of himself and the things he’s learning….just don’t let him see you cry on the first day of school. Wave him goodbye with a smile, and then go have coffee with a friend and a big box of tissues!
badness jones´s last [type] ..Comeback of the Day
I found it very, very hard to let go of Miss E when she headed to Kindergarten this year. I sobbed for days and missed her so, so much. Reading this made me cry all over again.
I was very shocked at this reaction though because I’d spent practically all summer willing the day to come when she’d be off to school and I could have just five minutes peace.
But all day? Every day? I won’t lie – it was SO hard. Almost three months in though – it’s better.
OH, I just love your blog! I’m a new mom of a little girl, just one year… and I’m already crying at the thought of her leaving me! She already pushes me away sometimes when I try to kiss her! Oh well… I guess I’ll just have to make another one.
xx
November Grey
For awhile it seemed we were getting a book every time we turned around. Then my oldest graduated out of the program and now it seems like forever between books. Luckily my younger doesn’t realize that my older takes his new book for a week or so until she shows it to him. She’s sneaky like that. (No idea WHERE she gets that!)
Brigid´s last [type] ..Grates are not great
my first baby book is a photobook for developing kids and this is a great baby book for beginners :
So sweet. I know exactly how you feel…….thanks for this nice post…
sad and sadness´s last [type] ..Quote by Darius
Oh, no. I read this and started crying myself. My son is five and we just got his Kindergarten school assignment in the mail today. All I feel like doing is looking at his baby pics and weeping.