It’s that song by Gomez, How We Operate. The song, the band, hadn’t even crossed my mind in years, but now I hear it and I’m instantly a new mom with a baby, barely minutes out of the colic stage, who must be kept on a napping schedule and I’m stuck at a red light on Zeigler Blvd. and he’s falling asleep in his carseat and I’m doomed. He is the baby that I love, but never in all my mental preparation, could ever have imagined the amount of strategic planning involved in an act as simple as getting out of the house.
It’s vivid, the memory of those early days and my anxiety, my misery. I don’t like to say this, but those memories are also singed with anger and blame and resentment, and it’s awful–I feel awful– that I felt that way.
Lots of songs do this to me, sweep me off my feet and place me in another life. This is just one song that reminds me of my not so gentle thrust into motherhood. It was more like almost tripping, when your arms swing wildly around as you tried to regain balance, sometimes on only one foot, mouth agape, a look of terror and realization in my eyes. The change from carefree wife to mother/caretaker/all consuming nurturer was such a shock–whiplash–and I couldn’t believe that there were more moments I wished away versus those that were easy and good.
Motherhood isn’t like that anymore and I’m so thankful because I hate, hate, that there was ever a time that I allowed the bad to outweigh the good. Five years into this and there are actually lots of days when I feel like I’m actually pretty awesome at what I do. There are strings of endless, horrible days or even weeks when I yell and when I can’t handle being touched for even one more second, but it’s a completely different sort of horrible than those earliest days. Parenting now feels rewarding and I know there’s better to come, though I also know there’s more horrible to come.
I didn’t believe it when people would say, “someday you’ll miss this,” but what I really miss is that I didn’t enjoy it more.
So I did what I needed to do and downloaded How We Operate and listen to it over and over because I really like that song and don’t want it stuck in the purgatory of anxious, new mother memories.
And I decided to forgive myself.
((hugs))
Heather-Domestic Extraordinaire´s last [type] ..Whats your Super Power
This made me literally catch my breath. I know exactly that feeling, both the feeling then and the feeling now, the guilt of remembering that you really didn’t enjoy that time AT ALL. Thank you for writing this and being so honest.
i know how music does this. there is a specific time period (early 90s) that makes me sometimes try to go back in time, in my head, and make the memory better. mix my now-self with my then-self while i listen to the song. it kind of works. it’s kind of futile. but it’s the closest we can get to a real do-over, you know?
erin from swonderland´s last [type] ..the real deal
It really is the only way to even come close to a do-over.
I love this.
I know just what you mean. Luckily, as we get older our memories will fade and bend and change into new, imagined memories. The ones we’ll torment our daughters-in-law with.
What you’ll really remember is the baby pictures you’ve looked at a thousand times. The ones with no sound. Just a snapshot of a perfect baby. You won’t remember that just a moment before you couldn’t find his lovey and you thought the world would end, and a moment after he had a diaper blow out and you got shit in your hair.
Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?´s last [type] ..Game For 1
Your comment makes me laugh…and partially because the photo in your avatar is of two screaming kids!
Good point! Maybe when senility really kicks in I’ll think they’re laughing.
Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?´s last [type] ..Correct Spelling
Please forgive yourself. One of my best friends had a colic baby that cried 25 7. There were times she sat in a corner and cried herself because she didn’t know what to do
Colic is seriously HORRIBLE, but it is important to forgive ourselves for the awful feelings we felt.
I really think that Just Surviving is the absolute best anyone can hope for when dealing with a colicy baby. You survived. The baby survived. You’re both in a better headspace now. I’m in the same boat — trying to forgive myself for the sheer anger I felt in those heated moments at 4am (with, in my case, a completely worthless “partner”) when you are thinking things about your baby/yourself that, pre-colic, you’d never believe you’d even be capable of thinking.
It. Sucked.
Anyway, none of this is news, I know. Here’s to forgiving our past selves. And cheers to a happier future
karinya @ Unlikely Origins´s last [type] ..Not At All Wordless Wednesday!
this so could’ve been written about the first several months with my oldest… although we would’ve been talking about the bath and body works peppermint lotion and shampoo. just this summer i started using it again. it instantly takes me back, but it’s beginning to be more of a good feeling than bad. i really do love that scent and i REALLY do love that boy.
((hugs))
MommyNamedApril´s last [type] ..Caseys Turning FOUR and Youre All Invited! Well- In Spirit Anyway
Yes! Smells do the same thing to me.
Liz Claiborne perfume (the one in the triangle bottle) still conjures up memories from junior high.
Your best post EVER.
Beautiful, poignant, genuine, revealing, honest, raw, powerful
too many adjectives…
Great job. They will read this one day and say “Wow, Mom. You’re a great writer!”
Auburn Gal Always (Keri)´s last [type] ..seven
Thank you, Keri. That is the best compliment EVER.
Brilliant post. Whiplash is the best description that I’ve heard of motherhood yet! Gosh if I think back to how many times I told my husband I want a divorce – because I was downright P*SSED that he ‘got to go to work everyday’ and ‘didn’t get’ what I had to DO ALL DAY – and then on top of it have him tell me I WAS LUCKY. Gosh – your post has really taken me back to those days. Where it really felt as if the bad outweighed the good.
Yes it does get easier. I am very grateful for that, and for the two little dudes who push me to be my best every day.
Ness at Drovers Run´s last [type] ..Being Diagnosed with ADHD
The transition to motherhood is so very very hard. No one can warn you. No one can tell you in what way it will be hard for you. I told my friends birth was like being crushed by a rock while being pushed by a tsunami and the first year is like a giant dog turns you upside down and shakes for all its worth for a year and somehow you survive. But too many women said I scared the shit out of them, so I stopped saying it. But it’s fucking true.
I think my honesty about how hard it was that first year (and my constant retelling) cost me a friend who hadn’t had kids yet.
I had an awfully hard time with it, too, and am also glad those days are behind me. There should be support groups for Moms of tough babies.
I have been there. I have soooo. Been. There.
Breathe. Remember. Then let go.
You did the best you could with what you had. Sometimes the best we have is all we can hope for.
It’s past time to forgive yourself. I don’t know a single mother out there that doesn’t have something that they want to be forgiven for. There’s also a reason children don’t remember the infant years. I’m certain of it.
Forgotten´s last [type] ..19 months- 2 weeks and 2 days
“I didn’t believe it when people would say, “someday you’ll miss this,” but what I really miss is that I didn’t enjoy it more.”
I’m not sure truer words were ever spoken.
I am in that place right now. I hate it, I have no idea how to get my baby to sleep longer than two or three hours at night. I am exhausted, but have to keep going. I have a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old, and I want to kick myself for not listening to the people who said wait a little longer. The bad is outweighing the good a lot these days! Your post gives me hope that one day I will be okay, that it’s okay to feel this way (because it truly does suck!) and to try to capture some happy memories along the way. I’ll sleep someday. If we all survive!
I know it’s meaningless right now, but it gets so, SO! much better. My kids are 18 mos apart and it was so hard, but now I love that they are close in age and love the same stuff. The good is finally outweighing the bad and I never believed it would happen.
If I were closer, I’d come over, and just take over for the day so you could have a real break. I remember those days and even taking a break meant I had to do extra work to prepare for someone else to do what I do. It made me feel even more resentful!
fantastic post.
very true.
i second the motion for a support group for us.
i’m so glad you have the understanding, courage and maturity to forgive yourself.
i’m workin on it….
thanks for your insight!
mpotter´s last [type] ..better left unsaid
I had no support group…which is why I started blogging!
Thank you for this. My baby is almost two and I still cry sometimes after I put her down for a nap. It feels like I have a big box inside me that holds a powerful little tornado. I need to cry to drain the energy, lest the tornado get bigger and stronger and outside the box. Wine helps too:)
So glad I’m not the only one who tripped into motherhood! There are plenty of days when I still cry and wonder why I gave up those carefree days. I miss my (old) husband. I miss my (old) self. I wonder if missing these things makes me a bad mom. I’m wondering a lot less after reading your post and comments.
Not a bad mom at all, just normal.
Good. There’s nothing to forgive. The first few years are hard. And the good news is that they are unlikely to remember us at our worst
(A beautiful post.)
anymommy´s last [type] ..Divination
I was right there with you! I loved my babies but tending to my son was so difficult and mentally and physically taxing. I have that same regret…that I didn’t enjoy the time more. I also regret not enjoying the pregnancies as much as I should have. Also, like you, I have forgiven myself. I am guessing that, like me, you did the best you could at the time and that is all we can do!
Nicki´s last [type] ..Another Royal Disaster
For me, it’s that song by Daniel Powter, “You Had A Bad Day”. I watched the video from that song on MTV- very early in the morning- as I rocked my newborn son back to sleep.
Now whenever I hear it, I laugh at how silly I was back then to think that lack of sleep would be my only parenting challenge. If only!
Now my 4 year old sticks his fingers in his ears and yells, “I can’t hear you! LA LA LA”
Delightful, right?
Wonderful post!
Grace {formerly gracie}´s last [type] ..A Video Game Review…and a Giveaway
Every word rings true. Thanks for your honesty. Let’s all forgive ourselves.
mep´s last [type] ..Bedtime Crimes
I understand this feeling so deeply. This was a beautiful post. Beautiful.
I am so glad you decided to forgive! I completely know where you are coming from. I love love love my kids, but some days the daily sludge of motherhood just weighs us all down. What a beautiful post!!
Audra´s last [type] ..Safeguard your Marriage
“The daily sludge,” THAT is a perfect description.
Thank you for writing that post and sharing so much. I really needed to read that today.
TripleZmom´s last [type] ..I Might Need a New Pizza Place
Can I just tell you that I love this post? And that I ABSOLUTELY know what you mean.
Sarahviz´s last [type] ..Army Mail
I just stumbled across this post, and I feel compelled to reply.
Somewhat ironically, you posted this on my due date with what was to become my own colicky baby. I never imagined that my baby would have colic and had no idea how utterly demoralizing it can be. I have spent countless hours crying along with my daughter and thinking dark, ugly thoughts that fill me with shame and guilt. I have also found myself thinking it was normal to hate motherhood in the beginning but also feeling totally alienated and alone at the same time.
My daughter is now three months old, and the dark cloud called “the newborn period” is slowly lifting. But we still have a way to go.
I just want to thank you for making me feel less alone. I hope one day I can forgive myself too.
Ohhh, yes. I can feel this. (Or I can imagine feeling this, if that makes sense?)
My daughter is at the point where things aren’t so crazy. Or rather, they’re crazy, but not that newborn OMG here’s another live person WTF is going on how are we going to survive kind of crazy. The kind of crazy I don’t ever want to experience again.
Except that I do. I really, really, really want another baby. We haven’t started trying yet, but even the idea that we won’t have that kind of crazy again? Kind of scary. Which is scary in itself.
I feel like I’m going in circles here, but I don’t think we’re alone.
-Karinya @ Unlikely Origins
http://www.unlikelyorigins.blogspot.com
it’s so great ……thanks for sharing …..
sad and sadness´s last [type] ..Poem- My Sorrow – Spaz