Ella has a drawer full of PJ’s, Thomas PJ’s, John Deere PJ’s, Buzz Lightyear PJ’s, and one lonely pair of princess PJ’s. She refuses to wear the princess PJ’s that, for the record, she picked out.
“Please? Please wear your princess PJ’s, Ella?” I plead. Again, for the record, it’s because I don’t want to see something go unused! It seems so wasteful! “It would make mommy so happy.”
**********
Carson is having a rough time. I’d say that’s he’s been having a rough time lately, but really, it all started the second week after he was born and “colic” set in. It’s been over five years and I’m starting to understand that his “colic” was really just his personality. He can be difficult to please and is, I’ll say, high strung.
He can be the kindest, most gentle and sensitive child you’ve ever met. Then a switch is flipped (he’s told “no”) and I’m shocked at how he speaks to me, the words that come out of his five-year-old mouth, with such attitude and disrespect.
“Where does he hear this kind of talk?”
“How do we handle this?”
“What are we doing wrong?” Tate and I wrestle daily with the questions and the dozens (millions?) of solutions that haven’t worked.
Our one consolation is that he is adored by his teachers at school. Then again, maybe consolation isn’t the right word. It’s a relief, relief that he’s not treating his teachers with the same contempt.
**********
For a special treat after a mostly good day, I took the kids out for pizza. Going out for pizza always seems like the perfect thing to do with little kids.
This time it wasn’t.
It was all because I ordered him Sprite. Of course it was.
“SPRITE?!,” he yelled in front of the waitress. (Which made it worse! Others witnessing his outbursts always makes it feel even worse!) “You KNOW I don’t like SPRITE! I wanted chocolate milk!” If his looks could kill, well, I’d be keeled over in a booth in a pizzeria right now.
***********
I didn’t yell, for this I was beyond proud of myself. I waited until we got home and very calmly told him that he wouldn’t be watching an episode of one of his favorite shows, Spectacular Spiderman, before bed.
I still didn’t yell, even though his reaction was less than favorable. Can you imagine?
Ella had her bath and was trying so hard to be on her best behavior, enjoying being the child who wasn’t in trouble. She was pulling out all the stops with the “I love yous” and the “you’re so prettys.” All of this was to a chorus of screaming in the background.
“Mommy, I’ll wear my princess PJ’s tonight. That would make you happy, right?”
My heart then broke into pieces.
***********
Today I’m feeling like maybe I’m not very good at this. Also filed under: exhausted.
I want you to know that you are so not alone in this. Every situation is different but we have an almost 6 year old son who is wonderful at school but at home can be QUITE the challenge. It is a constant question in my head and out loud, “What am I doing wrong? Why is he like this? How do we make it stop?”
You are not alone. At all.
Thank you. Seriously. I really did kind of think that my kid was probably the only one like this!
Oh, I am so feeling you on this one. We all have been there. It is so unbelievably hard to keep your composure during those moments. And….that is hilarious that your daughter siezes tbe opportunity to kiss your ass…I love it!
You son is my daughter… er, I mean my daughter, who is almost 18 month, is mostly nonverbal, but is JUST as difficult to please.
I laughed out loud with the line “his colic was really just his personality” because I know that feel so well. Oh so very well!
I never went through this with my older one. He had his preference, which he was more than happy to express… and loudly, but it never felt like an out assault like it is with my daughter.
The kicker is how sweet she is with other people. I get compliments all the time on what a “great baby she is” and I just want to yell.
I wish I had some wisdom to share. All I can say, is you are definitely not alone.
I can’t even say that he’s sweet to other people! He is rude! I think that if his teachers saw him outside of school, he’d be a jerk to them.
No advice here- just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you. This mom thing is definitely not as easy as it seemed pre-kids, right
Carrie´s last [type] ..Trying out a new hairstyle
I had so many parenting theories before I had kids. They have all been thrown out the window now! It’s the worst when they do it in front of people isn’t it?
Chantelle´s last [type] ..Sausage Pepper Penne
Parenting theories! Yes. We were so funny, weren’t we!
My kids can say the MEANEST things, it is really shocking at times. Often it’s just the tone that takes my breath away. I try so hard not to take the bait and yell or freak out. I am not always successful.
You are NOT alone on this.
(and loving your daughter’s reaction—she’s smaaaaart)
Fairly Odd Mother´s last [type] ..Forced bulb
It really does help knowing I’m not alone, I guess I did think that my son was the only kid who acts like this.
And yes, my daughter is smart…or it’s just a sign that she’s going to grow up to be a people pleaser. :/
Embrace him. I won’t get into it nor preach but I regret only a couple of things in life and embracing my sensitive son that screamed bloody murder – is one of them.
OHmommy´s last [type] ..A First World Problem
Can I make a suggestion with your son? Have you tried doing sticker charts? You can give him a sticker every time he responds in a polite, respectful, calm manner. At the end of the day, he gets something cool with his stickers (the more stickers, the better the reward!). My daughter has been defiant lately and we used this system (each sticker is worth 5 cents). The trick is you have to be consistent. Reward as quickly as you can. When he doesn’t respond in a respectful, calm matter, calmly let him know he missed an opportunity to earn a sticker.
Good luck!
Cheryl D.´s last [type] ..Im So Memetastic! Whatever the Hell That Is!
I hear what you are saying! This past month, my 4 year old, has said to me more than once,”You don’t make up the rules. I DO!!!” And, we had our first, freak out (I mean, FREAK OUT) temper tantrum in a restaurant. If you can believe it, the manager of the restaurant came over and gave him a cookie. I’m sure the gesture came out of kindness, but come on…all my son learned was that if he has a temper tantrum he gets a cookie!
And I thought the freak out temper tantrums ended at 3! His worst tantrums have been since he turned 5. 5!!
You know, perhaps she realized that you were actually serious since you weren’t yelling and she really wanted to be on your good side.
I don’t know either. Parenting is just HARD.
Hugs.
Ah, my eldest was so like that.
I always said “She’s going to be an amazing grownup… if we let her live that long”
My only suggestion would be to make consequences more immediate – little ones have no sense of what they are doing, so a punishment later won’t have the effect you want.
). Say “Sorry, Ella – Carson ruined it. We never speak to people like that.” and go. Completely losing his treat will show him actions have consequences.
One suggestion would have been to get up and leave the restaurant right then (umm, with the kids, I mean
But I am sure you will get there – I’m sure these more difficult children are so for a reason!
I think this will be my two los in a year. My oldest takes so much effort to get him to behave. Maybe its a first child thing. My youngest loves to run to me and give me kisses and hugs every five minutes whereas the oldest screams for me to “go away” when I get home from work. I know he loves me and isn’t wanting to hurt my feelings I think it just happens.
I loved to hear how your little girl knew those pjs meant something special to you.
It’s so not easy. Any of it. xoxo
Seriously, I have been there. And I know the consolation that at least he is good at school and the teachers love him. I often look at the teachers with the look of utter disbelief. Seriously, you mean he does what you say. He likes to xxx. Man, what have I done wrong?? My only hope is that they will outgrow it. That is what I keep telling myself.
I’m so afraid that he WON’T outgrow it! It will be a lot harder to put a 15 year old in time out than a 5 year old.
My kids both do the “I love you, what can I do for you?, you’re so wonderful!” thing when the OTHER one is acting up. I think they do it because it makes the angry child even more mad. Good for you for not yelling – that’s the hardest part.
Shannon´s last [type] ..12 Days To Stop Yelling Challenge
I see your latest post is 12 Days to Stop Yelling Challenge! Off to read now!
Wow, I have been reading your blog for a while now, but this is my first comment. I just related to this whole post so much! I have a daughter who is 4 and a son, who is not even 2, but so much like what you described. My daughter is just like yours, trying to always show that she is so much better and sweeter and kinder than her “crazy” brother who has been in a permanent bad mood since birth. I too, thought he had acid reflux, colic, etc. I have also told my husband that actually he just has anger and distemper and a permanent bad spirit. It’s hard!!!!
You’d think that if we survived what we thought was colic, we deserve ANGEL children!
DUDE. I can not tell you how much you have described my Nate to a T. I used to think it was colic but at 4.66, I’ve come to realize he is just a whiny asshole when he doesn’t get his way. (I say that in the most loving way possible.)
4 has been rough because of the terrible things that have come out of his mouth. We have started sending him to time out immediately for being rude to us, but the time out is for US because some days I am afraid I will scream at him and/or verbalize my thoughts – that I feel like I am failing at parenting him.
The ONLY reason I am staying sane through this is that I have twins, and Alex has been a freaking angel this year. It helps me think maybe I’m not failing? Or at least I’m batting 0.500, not too shabby!
LauraC´s last [type] ..Show Me the Mommy! upper body workout edition!
I call my son names under my breath all.the.time. (In the most loving way possible.)
I was an only child, so I was shocked by the Child Who Is Not in Trouble phenomenon.
As one kid whines about dinner and yucky peas, the other will immediately say “they are extra delicious tonight, Your Majesty, oh, I mean, mommy. Sorry, I forgot that you’re not a Princess, because you’re so pretty and young!”
Hang in there. It is exhausting.
Marinka´s last [type] ..I Need You Like I’ve Never Needed You Before
Hugs to you that today is less trying than yesterday…hang in there…
Maggie´s last [type] ..These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things
I’m having a daily challenges with my five year-old who seems to have totally lost the ability to entertain himself even for five minutes. He whines like it’s his job and has learned the phrase “I’m bored.”
No doubt about it, this job of ours is tough!
mep´s last [type] ..Chariots of Diaper Parent Olympics Working Title
Jennifer, you are an amazing mother. Don’t let a bad day get yourself down. EVERY mother has children who “challenge” them, some more than others, and that is why being a mom is such a special club. I envy that you are able to be a SAHM…I was dying to go back to work after maternity leave with my 2nd child, and even now, on the weekends, I live for naptime. So don’t let those bad moments keep you down.
Gail´s last [type] ..Sagarwhat
Thank you. It’s good to remember that everyone has children who challenge them in some way!
It is so hard.
My daughter is challenging in that same way, and my son compensates with his calm nature – and though I know some of that comes naturally to him, there are times when it’s obvious he’s trying extra hard to make things easier.
Hang in there.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Migration
It HAS to be a phase. An age thing? A first born thing?
We are going through very much the same thing with Zoe. I have no idea where she got her attitude. So bratty some times.
Colleen´s last [type] ..We came to some conclusions today
OH…anf it WILL happen again…testing testing…they get smarter,but you will too! Bless you. Les
My oldest was *just* like Carson. I feel for ya. Suggestion? Start now with the consequences for that behavior, follow through, and you (hopefully) won’t be dealing with it when he’s 11. I speak from experience.
Headless Mom´s last [type] ..Its Delurking Day!
That’s just it, I’m so consistent that it’s ridiculous. I think I need to change tactics all together and start overly praising him when he’s good.
No one has told me about the not-in-trouble child’s butt kissing! An unexpected perk! I guess I’ll have to wait for my youngest to start talking before that kicks in
I want to give you a hug. I’m there! I’m right there with you. A 5 year old girl who is so mouthy and gives me such attitude…I’m exhausted more by her than the 8 month old baby.
And? You’re a good mom. You show up. You’re there. You’re fighting. You’re coming up with solutions and wrestling with the problems. YOU’RE A GOOD MOM.
That’s all I’m going to say. No assvice. No smug stories of my kids. No prying questions about what you’ve tried. Just: “YOU’RE A GOOD MOM.”
Thank you, that means A LOT to me!
I completely understand your situation. I have twins that are 5. (5 and a half they remind me almost daily) And they too are testing every limit they can find. They know exactly when to push them (in publi) and did this several times while trying to enjoy family night out this past weekend. I was mortified by their behavior. As they were continuing their sass on the way home I actually pulled the van over. I’m not sure what I intended to do and it seems that the fact that I actually pulled off the road to address their behavior scared them. And then I hear from the back “Mom you are very frustrated aren’t you? If we get home and I brush my teeth and go right to bed will you stop being frustrated with me?” Ugh!
I pulled the car over once and it did nothing! I’m so jealous!
sounds like my house. my boys are 12 and 9 and I have experienced all you speak about. I actually made the same comment about “at least he doesn’t treat his teachers like he treats me” to a school official. Her words, “that’s not ok, he shouldn’t be doing it to anyone”. I hate it when people try to be helpful and tell me how to raise my children. Do they think I haven’t thought of “that” or tried “that. Good luck, hopefully today will be a better day.
Sissy has the same issues as Carson. Sensitive, loving, demanding, quick-tempered.
The most effective thing I’ve ever said to her (and still say) is “you are better than this behavior. You can do better. I expect you to do better. I require you to do better. Do better or else.”
Lately, she has had zero tolerance for Dude’s mere existence. Last night, I told her that I want her to treat her brother like her friends treat her brother. That sunk in very quickly.
Hang in there. Reinforce the great behavior and remind him of THOSE times. And, let yourself forget the bad ones.
I only have one two-year-old, but your last line about not being good at this is the feeling that I will take to bed with me tonight. In my pre-motherhood life I dealt with four-star generals and miles of government red tape. But a toddler who refuses to go to bed makes me question my entire existence. So give yourself a hug, because you have two making you twice the parent
we’ve been having a LOT of days like this. a few days ago my boys literally tackled each other in the middle of target. hair pulling, screaming, the works. it was humiliating and seemingly out of the clear blue.
i have no idea what i’m doing some (most) days.
MommyNamedApril´s last [type] ..Arrrrrrrr- Matey We Be Busy!
Yes, you are good at this, as I’m sure others have said before me (I haven’t read the other comments yet).
You remained calm whilst out, and also at home. You put into place consequences for actions/disrespect and carried them through.
Parenting is hard, but is made easier (and maybe a little less tiring) when there are consequences and WE STICK TO THEM EVEN WHEN TIRED. There have been many times I have given in (my two are now 15/16) and then had to reset the situation. That is harder.
Praying you have the strength and energy (oh, how we need the energy) to continue on as you are. And our kids push our boundaries, they know when it will affect us or not. Our kids do show how well they can behave, and how well mannered they are – when they aren’t with us. I used to always get comments about how well they behaved/ate etc at friends houses and would wonder why I never saw it at home. I do now. So there is hope.
I just stumbled across your blog and BOY am I glad that I did. I have a 6 year old son who is the light of my life. My one and only child, who at times can break my heart in two with his words and looks. I HAVE NO IDEA how to correct this behavior. I take prized items away (games, movies, blah blah blah). He does so well at school and is generally well mannered in public.
I had guy friends in high school who would always speak so poorly to their mother. I would scold them for it and I prayed I would never have that problem.
Thank you for blogging about this, I really needed to know I am not the only one on the planet that feels like I really stink at this whole parenting thing.
It’s comforting to know that I am not alone. My son is 3 and is extremely set in his ways. I can only make it through the day if I am 100% ‘on’; otherwise, I find myself in repeated power struggles with him and become discouraged by the thought that I am committed to parenthood for life!
Just know that you are a good mom. You are because you care enough to examine his behaviour and question what you can change to rectify the situation and challenges. You will make some mistakes, but I figure as long as you love them, they will turn out fine.
Been there, so been there. Definitely think pride is in order for not losing it at the restaurant. I usually melt into a pathetic pool of tears due to anger combined with equal parts of disappointment in my child and guilt that I’m perhaps a crappy parent. Some days are rough. Some days are rough.
This parenting thing is so hard and so exhausting and so stressful that I’m SO thankful I have an outlet to vent and that I can also read stories from other moms like you. It definitely helps. You are not alone in the constant worry. We all feel it everyday in different ways. You’re a great mom because you care.
PopMommy Pam´s last [type] ..American Idol- Lauren Alaina
My oldest son was a real firecracker when he was younger. His tantrums and screaming were off the chart when he was younger. I read every book, and spent tons of energy helping him learn to recognize when he was about to explode, to calm himself down, and express himself appropriately. Now, at age ten, he’s an absolute dream. Does he still have a “hair trigger?” Yes, but he rarely loses it now.
I highly recommend _Raising Your Spirited Child_ and _Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles_ by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka .
Spirited children…take solace in the fact that they’re getting all this angst and crazy out of their system early so they’ll be perfectly normal, successful creatures who will hopefully put us in the “good” home as a reward for this torture.
My son can be SO very disrespectful at home sometimes but his teacher goes on about what wonderful manners he has and what a good boy he is. I’m not sure why it has to be different here… but like you said, “relieved” he’s a good boy at school. I get it.
So true everyday is a challenge with our kids. Patient
is all what we need. Thanks for sharing..
Is it wrong that your post made me breathe a sigh of relief? My seven year old son has had “colic” since the day he was born too. I love visiting your blog because you are so honest. Thank you!