This situation of which I’m going to describe is PURELY hypothetical.  Not one ounce of truth to it, no siree.  None whatsoever.  *fingers crossed behind my back*

So tell me, what would you do if, say, you were on a walk with your (two) kids in an adjoining neighborhood and you suddenly had the most terrible, all-consuming itch.

The itch is in the upper crotch region, not to be confused with the lower crotch region-which obviously if you’re itching “down there” you might want to see a DOCTOR.

Anyway, this upper crotch region itch is a really, really itchy itch.  It itches so much you can barely walk.  It itches so much you feel like if you don’t scratch it, you’ll lose your mind.

Keep this in mind, you’re not in your neighborhood.  It’s highly unlikely that you’ll see anyone you know.  Even if you did see someone, most likely you’d never see them again.  Also, it’s early in the morning, but not so early that there are lots of people driving by heading for work, kids have already left for school.  Basically, it looks as if nobody even knows you’re there.

But also keep in mind the fact that it’s your CROTCH that itches and to scratch it looks incredibly nasty to the average Joe who happens to witness such an act.

Do you get in there and scratch away, right there on the street, trying to act like nothing’s amiss as you attempt to continue pushing your double stroller while getting after that itch?

Or do you suck it up and continue walking while thinking non-itchy and non-scratchy thoughts?

WHAT do you DO????

I’m just curious in case this ever happens to me.  Also, I’m just collecting this information for a book I’m writing on survival skills in the suburbs.  Um.  Yeah.

Tags: Ask Teh Internets, I am woman, Quirky Me, confession, my stream of consciousness by Jennifer
73 Comments »

Okay, I bought these shoes on Friday and adored them at the time.  They are red, YES!  But, they aren’t too lady-of-the-night red or Dorothy there’s-no-place-like-home red.  I also thought the detailing on the shoes was especially cute.  Now though, I still LOVE them, but I’m kinda worried that when I wear them people are going to notice ONLY my shoes and not my winning personality and witty conversational skills.

These shoes were bought on the intention of wearing them to this little conference I’m attending next week, where I *might* meet some other women who I would like to impress.  I don’t want to overhear anyone say, “Oh my, poor girl!  Did you SEE her shoes?!  What WAS she thinking?!”

I plan on wearing these shoes with dark wash jeans and a either black or brown shirts.   Stacy and Clinton tell people that it’s okay to add a punch of color with THEIR shoes.   Can I?  Should I?

Please be honest…Yay or nay on the shoes? 

PS.  I bought these shoes at Payless…does that make a difference?

Tags: Ask Teh Internets, Pictures, Quirky Me, brutally honest monday by Jennifer
123 Comments »

We spent this past weekend attending a family reunion in Missouri.  There were lots of lowlights from the trip including (but not limited to), Ella’s diarrhea, Ella’s vomiting, cockroaches in the bathroom of our cabin, and a verrrrrry cranky and sleep deprived Carson.

Despite the lowlights, though, there were also many highlights.  One of these highlights was the acquisition of some homemade apple butter.

I LOVE apple butter!  LOVE!

Imagine my disappointment when we got home and discovered that the lid of the jar of my beloved apple butter had “popped.”  (You know those home canning jars with the ring and the lid…well, it wasn’t sucked down, it was popped.)

Trying to head off certain botulism poisoning, I sadly decided the apple butter would have to be tossed in the trash.

Tate WHOLEHEARTEDLY disagreed.  “NO, no, no, no, no.  We are NOT throwing it away.  Let’s smell it,”  he said, trying to convince me that this not-properly-sealed apple butter was fine for human consumption.

I have NO IDEA if botulism or any other death-inducing food disease even has an odor, so smelling it wasn’t going to change my mind.  I stood firmly behind my decision to throw out the apple butter.

Tate STILL disagreed.  “See?  It tastes fine!”  he said after dipping his finger in the diseased apple butter.  “I bet it was made just a few days ago, we’re keeping it!”

“Fine, Tate.  Keep it.  I don’t care if it was made this morning, I won’t eat it!  And!  I don’t want the kids to eat it either, because it will make them SICK.”

Very often, Tate and I disagree about food safety issues.  He has no problem (barely) reheating food that has been in the fridge for DAYS.  I won’t touch leftovers after about two or three days.  If food has been sitting out for too long, I won’t eat it, but Tate would probably eat potato salad that had been sunbathing for three hours.  He regularly gets annoyed by my “overzealous” and “ridiculous” attempts to keep my family free of food-borne diseases.

What do you think?   Should we keep the apple butter or throw it away?

(PS, I’m merely curious as to what you think.  Unless you have a Ph.D in Food Safety, you probably aren’t going to change my mind.)

Tags: Ask Teh Internets, Extended Fam, Quirky Me, hole-y matrimony, jennifer and tate battle by Jennifer
68 Comments »

This is my first time participating in Mrs. Flinger’s Brutally Honest Monday.

I’d like your (brutally honest) opinion about a recent incident.

The kids and I went to watch Tate play softball last week.  Being a magnet to puddles, Carson immediately found the biggest, muddiest puddle and jumped right in.  Within seconds of getting to the ball field, Carson was soaking wet and dirty. 

There were lots of other kids around Carson, laughing at him getting all wet.   The next thing I know, I look over and a girl who looked to be at least eight or nine, was throwing handfuls of mud on Carson (and cackling manically…or so I imagined.  I mean, maybe she was.)

I was FURIOUS.

I marched over there and yelled at her to stop.  I told her how ashamed she should be for picking on such a little boy and that she should know better.  There was lots of huffing and puffing (on my part.)  Also, my face was most likely all sorts of red.

I was SO PISSED.

I made the girl apologize to Carson.  She did, half-heartedly.  Then I grabbed Carson’s hand and we marched off, with me saying the MOST mature, parental thing ever…”Let’s go play over HERE away from those MEAN kids.”

When I made it back to the bleachers, a few of the people who had witnessed THE INCIDENT, looked a little horrified.  I’m not sure if they were horrified by how I reacted or by the girl’s behavior.  Of course I assumed it was all about me.  Also, I’ve told a few people what happened and each person acted like I overreacted slightly.

Here’s what I’d like you to consider when forming your opinion…

1.  She was DEFINITELY old enough to know better than throw mud on a little kid.
2.  She was throwing the mud at his head.
3.  (Don’t forget the maniacal cackling.)

But also consider this…

1.  He was already filthy, dirty from jumping in the puddle.
2.  I probably could have left out the huffing, puffing, and stomping away with the immature retort.

I am a little nervous since this is “BRUTALLY HONEST Monday.”  Don’t think the BRUTAL part means to be, you know, too BRUTAL.  I’m tender hearted.  **bats eyelashes**

*****

Pssst…Nikon!  Hi there!  I entered your contest to win a D60 last night!  You know, I could say really nice things about your WONDERFUL cameras here on my blog…I’d sure love a camera to review!  PUH-LEASE!!!!  Kthnxbai!

Tags: Ask Teh Internets, Little Monkeys, Quirky Me, begfest '08, brutally honest monday, confession, playing along by Jennifer
101 Comments »

My friend Shannon is expecting her first baby on my son’s birthday!  She recently emailed me and asked my opinion of some baby gear.  I got so excited to be asked for my opinion that I nearly wet myself from the excitement.

Here’s what I told her about my opinion of travel systems…

“As far as the stroller system, here’s what I recommend…(feel free to do with this info whatever you please!)  Graco MetroLite stroller!!!!!  Only 17 lbs!  It’s a travel system, which I DO think is good.  Why, you ask?  Well lemme tell ya…if you plan to ever go anywhere then you’ll want a really good stroller.  Unless you get a really expensive umbrella stroller, then it’s a pain in the arse to push around.  Once Baby is strong enough to hold up her head, then you won’t necessarily need to use the carseat in the stroller.  However when Baby gets tired, he might want to be reclined in the stroller for a nap.  Umbrella strollers don’t have that feature.  Also if you go shopping at the mall, the MetroLite has a basket on the bottom to stow away purchases and purses and whatever else you’re carting along.  The umbrella stroller doesn’t.  When Baby gets hungry while you’re out and about, you’ll want a tray on the stroller for the cheerios and sweet potato puffs.  The umbrella stroller doesn’t have a tray.  If it’s bright and sunny out and you want a cover over Baby’s little head, you won’t have one large enough on an umbrella stroller.

Some people really like umbrella strollers.  I think they are very useful if you plan on traveling long distances or by plane a lot, as they take up less space.  That doesn’t mean you won’t need a better stroller for everyday use, though.”

Whew!

I feel really strongly in favor of the Graco MetroLite!  GO Graaaaaaaaacccccccccoooooooooooo!  Go! 

I feel equally as strong about my disdain for the Diaper Genie.  BOOO!  Two thumbs down!  If I had more thumbs, I’d put them down, too.  The insert refills are expensive and once Baby makes stinky poops, I don’t think it actually masks any odors.

BOOOOO!

Now, I have plenty more opinions, but this post doesn’t need to be 40,000 words.  I’d like to know some of your opinions about your favorite and detested baby gear.

Here’s what you do…Tell Shannon about one MUST HAVE baby gear item and WHY!  The WHY is most important.  Then tell Shannon one eye-roll worthy baby product and WHY!  Again, the WHY is very important.

I’m certain Shannon appreciates all of our assvice, er, I mean ADvice. 

Tags: Ask Teh Internets, Little Monkeys, Mommydom by Jennifer
75 Comments »

Hi!  Did you miss me?  I mean, I didn’t post anything yesterday, veering way off course from my usual daily posting.   It’s just that I’ve been a bit busy, traveling ALONE with my two children.  (Yes they are both still alive and KICKING and SCREAMING, but barely.)  I spent the last few days visiting my parents and in-laws back in Missouri and have just returned to Indinanna (Carson’s spin on Indiana.)

While driving home, I attempted to drown out the wailing of my children in the backseat by coming up with some really great topics to discuss here.  I had hours and hours to contemplate possible subjects.  Since most of my topics fall under the categories of either “lame” or “who the heck cares,”  I truly wanted to come up with something that would knock your socks off and make you say, “Wow, that Jennifer came up with a topic that we will all be talking about for minutes to come.”

Luckily I was able to come up with a topic that fell into both the “lame” AND “who the heck cares” categories.   It’s my little gift to you, my readers.  This is what I came up with…my confusion about year-round mega fireworks stores.  I’m sure you’ve all seen those, right?  They are typically located along the Interstate and are huge buildings with flashy colors, advertising FIREWORKS!  FIREWORKS!  FIREWORKS!

This is what I wonder…How does a place like this remain open?  Why do people need Black Cats and Roman Candles in April, or any days besides July 4 and New Years’ Eve*?  Who shops at these places?

And then it occurred to me…maybe I’m naive.  Maybe these “fireworks” places don’t sell fireworks year round at all.  Maybe “Fireworks Store” is code for “Young, hot babes, twenty dolla!”  Or!  OR!  Maybe, it’s code for “buy your illegal drugs/weapons/contraband in our basement!”

I considered not even talking about this, just in case I accidentally stumbled upon a private, underground industry and have inadvertantly outed these “fireworks stores.”  It’s almost like I’m some sort of investigative journalist on Dateline NBC or 20/20.  Almost.

Don’t worry, I also came up with another topic to discuss later in the week while driving, “Why I don’t like eating at places that remind me of barns or poop.” 

I am clearly on my way to being a popular mommyblogger now with topics like these!  (Is that my subscriber count plummeting??)

PS.  Fireworks on New Year’s Eve is a very annoying southern thing.

Tags: Ask Teh Internets, my stream of consciousness by Jennifer
49 Comments »

I need your hair advice.  Yes, I realize Whoorl is the go-to gal in the blogosphere for this sort of thing, but I, like, DON’T HAVE TIME TO WAIT.  My appointment is THIS Saturday and I’m freaking out because I want something completely different.  But, I’m skeered that I’ll end up hating it and then be angry and frustrated that I spent hard earned money on it.

So I need your help so that I can blame you, too, if it turns out horribly!  I’m, uh, kidding of course.  [insert nervous laughter here]

I’ve poured and poured over hair photos.  Long hair, medium length hair, short hair…and I *think* I’ve made a decision.

Currently I have hair that rests just past my shoulders.  You know that really annoying length, where it isn’t really long, it has no shape.  It’s just there.  The color is sort of a brownish, with blondish streaks in it.  In other words it’s U.G.L.Y.

Here is the hair that I want.

I want to get a more all over color, like Katie’s, except not as quite dark as hers.  Also, I’m concerned about the amount of bangs.  Maybe it’s too much?

Some things to keep in mind…

1.  I have fine, thin hair.
2.  Until having children I had very straight hair, now I have random and annoying waves.
3.  I don’t have lots of time for styling my hair, but this style (to me) doesn’t look especially high maintenance.
Edited to add:
4.  My natural color is a dark-ish brown.
5.  I do plan to dry and flat iron my hair everyday.

I also think that it’s important to admit that I’ve chosen celebrity hair styles before.  When I see their hair, I picture a far improved version of myself with their hair, but also with their facial features, toweresque height, thin thighs, and professionally applied make-up.  All this expectation usually sets me up for disappointment.

Voting is CLOSED. I mean, you can still vote if you want, but I already got my hair cut and won’t be checking this poll again. Just so you know.

Now go vote! Susan B. Anthony worked very hard to give you this right to vote. Don’t disappoint her.

Also edited to add:
My hair currently looks similar to my profile picture, only longer and less shape around the face.  And yes, I’ll be posting after pics this weekend.

Tags: Ask Teh Internets, Quirky Me by Jennifer
59 Comments »