playgroupsarenoplaceforchildren

ATTENTION THOSE OF YOU WHO GOOGLED “p0RN”.  GO AWAY.  THIS IS ABOUT VACUUM CLEANERS, NO SMUT HERE. 

GO AWAY.

Welcome to another addition of happy homemaking with Jennifer.  I swear, you guys, that I do actually think of more than dishwashing, laundry, toilet paper…and today vacuums.

Let’s talk about Dysons, shall we?

Here’s the thing.

I covet a Dyson, yet as you recall I’m cheap and I want to be absolutely sure that I won’t be wasting my money.  Reading through page after page of reviews on the Dyson, I’m definitely not sold. 

Several reviews read something like this:

“I’ve owned my Dyson for two days and haven’t stopped vacuuming!  It’s given me multiple orgasms!”

Or

“Dyson and I are meant for each other!  We just met an hour ago, but OMG that vacuum can SUCK.”

Then come the more experienced Dyson owners, and their reviews aren’t as (after)glowing:

“I’ve had my Dyson for a year and the initial passion has died out.  Now he’s heavy, drinks like a fish, and stays out all night gambling.”

Or

“My Dyson’s attachments just aren’t long enough to please me.”

So obviously I need your help.  I want to hear from those you who have Dysons.  I don’t want to hear from you if you’ve had your Dyson for less than 6 months and are still basking in all it’s glory. (Well OF COURSE I want to hear from you and receive your life sustaining comments!)  I really want to hear from those of you whose relationship with their Dyson has moved passed the initial hot passion stage and into the long-term commitment stage.

Is the excitement still there?  What are the pros and cons?  Is it truly like vacuum p0rn or does the passion fizzle with time?

So go ahead, convince me that a Dyson is worth the money and that I’ll mess myself every time I use it because it’s just that good.

Also I’d be interested in hearing about any other vacuum cleaners that make your heart race and face flush, you know, in case this Dyson thing doesn’t work out for me.

I am curious
Dishwasher, laundry, TeePee
How do you do it?

(Sorry I think that haiku qualifies as the LAMEST one ever!)  (Do I get a trophy for how terrible it is?)

I have some very pressing questions I’d like to ask.    You know me, always tackling those controversial issues head on.  Or not.

This is what I want to know…

1.  When you load the dishwasher with silverware, do you put them in so that the handles go up or down?

For me, I prefer the handles to be up.  This way when I go to unload the dishwasher, I’m not touching the part of the utensil that you eat off of, therefore it’s more sanitary.  And me being a food safety freak, this makes it the RIGHT way. 

As if one controversial issue wasn’t enough for today, here’s another one…

2.  When doing laundry, do you start the water and add the detergent before or after you put the clothes in?

I put the clothes in THEN I start the water and add the detergent.  It’s how I’ve always done it, even when it drove my roommate in college berserk when she saw how I did laundry.  This is probably not the right way, and I haven’t ever read a washing machine’s owner manual to find out the proper procedure since I DO have a life.

And last, but certainly not least…something you could get really pissed about (pun intended)…

3.  Toilet paper…over or under??

I could be tinkling at Oprah Winfrey herself’s house and if the toilet paper was coming from the underside of the roll, I’d be compelled to flip the roll around to fix it and make it RIGHT.  Toilet paper MUST be dispensed over the roll.

*Clap, clap*  Settle down now everyone.  Settle down.   Don’t everyone talk at once, there is a space for each of you to leave your dissenting opinions in the comments section.

No cat fights or name calling.  Keep it clean, please. 

Oh I’m sorry, am I talking about Meijer too much?

What can I say?  I love Meijer.

My favorite aisle in Meijer is the International food aisle.  Going down this aisle makes me realize how little culture I possess.  Last night when I went grocery shopping, I went on a covert mission with my camera to take some pictures of a few things I’ve never heard of.  I apologize for the poor quality of some of the pictures, but I was really nervous taking pictures and was certain that I’d get banned from Meijer for taking the pictures, which obviously would be HORRIBLE.  Who me?  Irrational much? 

Anglophile Football Fanatic? Mrs. Chicken?  I found this in the British section.   Help me understand. Please. What IS this stuff??

All I know is that Tate better never come home with a (can of) spotted d1ck. *ahem*

Salad and cream DO NOT belong together. Yuck.  I think I just PIMMALed (puked in my mouth a little.)  (Thanks Sarah, In the Trenches for that little phrase!)

Um, Dana?? Why??? What is WITH all the CREAM??

This is one kind of Ovaltine even I HAVEN’T heard of. Anyone else heard of it?

***********************
I’d like to leave you with a story of true romance this Valentine’s Day. Oh, right, Happy Valentine’s Day everyone (the 2nd most overrated holiday.)  (By the way, I’m not bitter, just realistic.)

Last night at Meijer, I saw a gentleman walking toward me with a bouquet of roses and something tucked under his arm. I thought to myself how sweet it was that he was getting flowers for his wife. He smiled sheepishly at me as we passed. When I saw what he was carrying under his arm, I understood why.

Maxi pads. The BIG OL’ JUMBO kind of maxi pads.

A man buying roses and maxi pads. Now that, my friends, is LOVE.

Alright everyone together now….”Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

Now that I’ve outed myself as a cheapo, I’d like to discuss some of my other cheap tendencies.  And also your cheap tendencies.  Because you being cheap also makes my being cheap more acceptable.

Before I discuss being cheap, however, lets get a few things straight.  I’m not cheap about everything.  Tomato products MUST, I repeat MUST, be name brand.  Store brands always seem so acidic.  Also, I only buy premium brand ice creams because really, if I’m going to make my ass even fatter and muffin top even poofier, then by golly that ice cream is going to taste pretty spectacular.  I don’t like generic Cool Whip.  I also don’t like cheapy lunch meat.  Carl Buddig lunch meats give me the heebie jeebies.  Ham, turkey, chicken, and beef should not all be the same color and have flecks of mystery matter scattered throughout.

Now for cheap-o-rama discussions…Many of my beauty products are from the grocery store and are either Equate brand or Suave or Lip Smackers.  I do have a few cosmetics from actual cosmetic counters where over painted, black smocked women convinced me that their $32 tube of lipstick is somehow superior to my C.O. Bigelow lip tint.  While I covet those fancy schmancy expensive beauty products I just can’t bring myself to spend the money on a brand name.

Pretty much everything else that you could possibly buy at a grocery store or drug store, I buy their generic versions.  Even if the store brand is only two cents cheaper, then I’ll buy it because that extra two cents is going to help put my children through Harvard!  My new best friend Meijer has her own line of many store brands that have caused me to develop a leetle girl crush on her.  Prettily packaged and tasty and GENERIC makes my heart go pitter pat.

Are there things that you are violently opposed to purchasing the generic version (like my aversion to generic canned tomatoes?) 

What about diapers?  I didn’t even mention diapers before!  I’ve not had any trouble with the Parent’s Choice brand, but I just really like how soft the Pampers are for Ella.  Carson used to wear Huggies, but they started leaking so now he’s also wearing Pampers and I’m wondering if I could skimp on their diapers and use the money saved to buy myself some fancy schmancy beauty products?  Hmmm?  (I’m only sort of joking.)

Discuss amongst yourselves.  Let the cheap comments flow….

Have you ever toiled over preparing a meal that included lots of can opening and chopping and LOVE, then put it all in a crock pot and fail to actually plug it in, thus rendering a completely inedible meal come dinner time?

No?

Oh.  Well, me either.

We were out of rice cereal so I headed up to the grocery store to get more.

I jokingly thought to myself that it would be just my luck that they’d be out of rice cereal, the lone item that I needed.  It wouldn’t be the first time the grocery store had been out of something I really needed.  In fact, they are always out of something I need.   I used to make my grocery lists from the sale ads but had to stop because I was starting to lose clumps of hair every time they would be out of EVERY SINGLE sale item I’d planned my meals around for the week.

Here’s a very brief synopsis of the repeat offenders:

Whenever I want to make Italian Beef, they are always out of pepperocinis.  It’s the MAIN ingredient!   Why is there suddenly a rush on pepperocinis the week I decide to make Italian Beef???

Purina Dog Chow.  They either have zillions of bags when I’m all stocked up on dog food or they are all flat sold out whenever my dogs must have food.  Is all of Shitty Town, AL on the same dog feeding schedule as me???

Great Value Brand black beans as opposed to the high falutin’ name brand black beans.  Why oh why must I always have to fork over the extra 30 cents a can?  It’s WAL-FART for crying out loud and GREAT VALUE is their SIGNATURE brand!

Ovaltine.  (Just kidding!  NOBODY except me and Carson even drink it!) 

Oh lawd, I could go on and on (Suave shampoo, sleek formula; Pepsi One, Clorox Anywhere Spray…) but I should stop seeing as I’m getting a little worked up here.

So back to my quest for rice cereal.  Those of you Sherlock Holmes types reading this have probably figured out that the grocery store was out of RICE CEREAL.  How is that even possible???  Did a pack of ravenously hungry six months olds come in and rob them blind?  Typically there are hundreds, if not thousands of boxes of rice cereal, but this time there was not even ONE stinkin’ box.  All that was left was the messy crumb remnants on the shelf.

I thought the vein in the side of my head was going to explode.  The one damn thing I needed and they were out of it!  AND!  It’s RICE FLIPPIN’ CEREAL!   As it would happen, one of the very young store employees passed by and could tell I was a smidgen perturbed.  This teenager asked if he could help me find anything.

“Rice.  Cereal.  You are seriously not out of it?”

“No, Ma’am.  I think it’s over here, I’ll take you to it.”

I thought to myself that this young man was awfully sweet to be taking me the the elusive rice cereal.  “Maybe they’re rearranging the store and moving baby items somewhere else,”  I silently wondered.

He led me to the cereal aisle and stopped in front of the Rice Krispies. 

“Here you go, Ma’am.  Rice cereal.”

*Sigh.*

I love picking up Ella, feeling wetness on my arm and realizing I’m covered in shit to my elbows.

Speaking of poopy diapers, I adore when I change a poopy diaper and within minutes it’s filled again! Yay.

I also love when I make Carson’s favorite lunch and he proceeds to pitch most of it on the floor and tells the dogs “sank sou” (thank you) when they gobble it up. Ahh. Gee. Manners.

My favorite is when I stumble groggily back to bed at 4 AM after feeding Ella only to nearly pass out from the noxious odor that awaits me. It’s even better if Tate starts giggling like a school girl and I get to punch him in the back.

I love shopping at Walfart, running errands in traffic while listening to the same Thomas DVD over and over and over, balancing the checkbook, sitting on hold with the comcastic shitastic cable company, trying on clothes in dressing rooms and having the fluorescent lighting cast a lovely glow over my cottage cheese…

What do you love?

I am not in a bad mood, I am not in a bad mood, I am not in a bad mood. I am not in a bad mood. I am not in a bad mood. I am not in a bad mood.