Today is my 33rd birthday.  Why yes!  Happy birthday to me!

You know how Oprah does her favorite things shows and talks about how reasonably priced some of the items are, but really they’re only reasonably priced if you make $260 million a year?  Yeah, so I’m going to share with you my favorite “reasonably priced” gift ideas.  In the event that you are reading this and are Oprah-rich (or Oprah herself..hi Oprah!!  squee!), please feel free to buy one (or all) of these things for me.

Thanks in advance to my well-to-do readers.  Your generosity is most appreciated.

I know it’s wrong to covet thy fellow blogger’s camera, but I think I really MUST have a Canon 40D just like Casey’s.  She let me hold it and caress it and hear it’s intoxicating clicking sound.  Accompanying lenses and gear would be a lovely way to complete the gift and commemorate my special day. 

While I realize I’m one of last people on Earth who doesn’t own these, I’m finally ready for my iPhone, iPod, and macbook.  One of each, please.

A $5000 gift card to Williams-Sonoma should cover most of my much coveted items.   Oh the cookies I could bake.

I’m a huge fan of my Honda Pilot.  However, I’d like to have something a bit more sporty for those rare occasions that I’m alone and driving around blaring Britney Spears with the windows down.  A Porsche Carrera GT, silver, with black leather interior would certainly fit the bill.

And if you’re feeling super generous, I would truly enjoy a week long vacation at a 5-star resort in Hawaii, complete with a personal butler and masseuse (a good masseuse, though.  Not one that will torture me).  My children would need reliable childcare while I’m away, so if I would need some recommendations for a nanny.

I realize that it’s highly unlikely I’ll actually get any of these for my birthday, but in the event you’ve made a purchase for me, please let me know in advance when to expect delivery of my gifts.  I want to make sure I’m home and not out shopping at Meijer.

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Welcome to yet another installment of Jennifer’s Meijer adventures.  I should be earning free groceries for all these Meijer laden posts.  Are you listening Fred Meijer??

So the excitement today was this:

Meijer was on fire.  (I’m a poet and didn’t even know it!)  (I’m sorry that was lame.)

Really!  Meijer was on fire while I was THERE this morning!  I truly couldn’t make this stuff up.

As I paid for my groceries, I saw the manager rushing towards the deli with a fire extinguisher in hand.  The cashier (who was an excellent bagger, by the way), nervously told me, “Ha!  Yeah, there’s a fire.  Ha.  Ha, ha!,”  and yelled at her manager,  “send smoke signals if you need help!”  (I’m sorry, again, that was also lame.)

I looked up and saw smoke billowing from the deli area. 

And you know what a fire means, right?  That’s right!  Firemen!  Raur!

Too bad they didn’t arrive until after I had pulled out of the parking lot.  I might have needed to be revived by mouth to mouth resuscitation when I was overcome with smoke.  *cough, cough*

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(It’s possible I should change the name of this blog to Jennifer’s Meijer Ramblings Or Jennifer is a DORK and Can’t Believe You Keep Reading.)

As proud as I could be, I stood back and admired my work.  Strategically planned and carefully implemented, I watched my groceries on the conveyor belt as they patiently awaited their turn to be scanned by the Meijer cashier.  Large items like diapers and soda were placed on the belt first.  The can goods, boxed items, and jars were lovingly segregated.  Fresh fruits and veggies were placed far, far away from the germy raw meats.  Bread, tortillas, greeting cards, and eggs were the final products, placed at the back so they’d be less likely to be crushed.

It was truly a work of art, fit for display in the Louvre.

I was pleased with my organizational abilities and looked forward to going home and putting each item in it’s place, knowing that it would be easy since it was already separated for easy unloading.  The satisfaction I felt at my accomplishment made me feel all warm and snugly inside.

Imagine my horror, though, as the cashier began bagging my groceries all willy nilly.   My carefully crafted work of art was suddenly dismantled at the hands of this maniac cashier.   Why was she putting carrots in with one box of elbow macaroni, 2 jars of baby food and a can of pinto beans???  I audibly gasped when she put my bread upright next to the rice cereal, soy sauce, and one (of two) 1/2 gallons of milk.  My eyes grew wider and wider and my heart raced with each bag she filled.  And filled she did.

She somehow fit $172 worth of groceries into FIVE plastic grocery bags.  I was certain that the bag filled with one package of size two Pampers, a jar of Apricot jelly, one can of artichoke hearts, four jars of baby food, rolled oats, flour, Swiffer floor wipes, and the other milk would bust.  (Somehow it didn’t, but I don’t know HOW.  It defied the laws of physics.)  What should have taken five minutes, took double that as the cashier undid my handiwork, picking and choosing items to fill the bags.

I didn’t say anything to the cashier.  I just sheepishly thanked her as she gave me my receipt and 746 Meijer coupons.  Walking away, I tried to regain my composure as I headed for the automatic doors.  Shell shocked and exhausted from the ordeal I drove home, replaying the horror over and over in my mind.  Why didn’t I say something?  What was I afraid of?  Could Meijer and I still be best friends or were things cooling for us?

First the car carts and now the pillaging cashier.  Oh, Meijer?  Why?  WHY? What have I done?

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Meijer has one hitch
Facking car grocery carts
Curse the inventor

Oh you KNOW the carts I’m talking about (buggies to my Southern readers!…how ya’ll doing?  Enjoying your warm weather, are you while I’m suffering here in the PERMAFROST?)

It’s bad enough taking two kids grocery shopping.  What makes it worse is trying to get a limp-noodle-screaming-banshee into a real cart after he’s seen one of those car carts.  It’s an understatement to say that ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

I imagine that a very well meaning person (probably a MAN *ahem*) designed a car cart thinking, “THIS is a brilliant idea that will make shopping with kids FUN! and EASY!”

In a word, NO.  In two words, FACK NO.

Firstly they are impossible to steer.  Displays, other customers, food on shelves, ANYTHING AT ALL in the store is likely to be creamed by a rogue, out of control car cart.  Secondly, they aren’t even a full size basket, so once you’ve put one kid in the seat and the other in the basket part, you now have room to buy lipstick and a greeting card.  Lipstick and a greeting card WON’T FEED THE FAMILY.

So to conclude this tirade, I think we should write our congressmen about the very important issue of eradicating car carts from grocery stores across the nation.  Sure we have other “important” issues like baseball players doing steroids and a Presidential election, but SURELY our congressmen would see the necessity of legislation banning car carts.

Who’s with me?

*crickets chirping*

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Oh I’m sorry, am I talking about Meijer too much?

What can I say?  I love Meijer.

My favorite aisle in Meijer is the International food aisle.  Going down this aisle makes me realize how little culture I possess.  Last night when I went grocery shopping, I went on a covert mission with my camera to take some pictures of a few things I’ve never heard of.  I apologize for the poor quality of some of the pictures, but I was really nervous taking pictures and was certain that I’d get banned from Meijer for taking the pictures, which obviously would be HORRIBLE.  Who me?  Irrational much? 

Anglophile Football Fanatic? Mrs. Chicken?  I found this in the British section.   Help me understand. Please. What IS this stuff??

All I know is that Tate better never come home with a (can of) spotted d1ck. *ahem*

Salad and cream DO NOT belong together. Yuck.  I think I just PIMMALed (puked in my mouth a little.)  (Thanks Sarah, In the Trenches for that little phrase!)

Um, Dana?? Why??? What is WITH all the CREAM??

This is one kind of Ovaltine even I HAVEN’T heard of. Anyone else heard of it?

***********************
I’d like to leave you with a story of true romance this Valentine’s Day. Oh, right, Happy Valentine’s Day everyone (the 2nd most overrated holiday.)  (By the way, I’m not bitter, just realistic.)

Last night at Meijer, I saw a gentleman walking toward me with a bouquet of roses and something tucked under his arm. I thought to myself how sweet it was that he was getting flowers for his wife. He smiled sheepishly at me as we passed. When I saw what he was carrying under his arm, I understood why.

Maxi pads. The BIG OL’ JUMBO kind of maxi pads.

A man buying roses and maxi pads. Now that, my friends, is LOVE.

Alright everyone together now….”Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

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Now that I’ve outed myself as a cheapo, I’d like to discuss some of my other cheap tendencies.  And also your cheap tendencies.  Because you being cheap also makes my being cheap more acceptable.

Before I discuss being cheap, however, lets get a few things straight.  I’m not cheap about everything.  Tomato products MUST, I repeat MUST, be name brand.  Store brands always seem so acidic.  Also, I only buy premium brand ice creams because really, if I’m going to make my ass even fatter and muffin top even poofier, then by golly that ice cream is going to taste pretty spectacular.  I don’t like generic Cool Whip.  I also don’t like cheapy lunch meat.  Carl Buddig lunch meats give me the heebie jeebies.  Ham, turkey, chicken, and beef should not all be the same color and have flecks of mystery matter scattered throughout.

Now for cheap-o-rama discussions…Many of my beauty products are from the grocery store and are either Equate brand or Suave or Lip Smackers.  I do have a few cosmetics from actual cosmetic counters where over painted, black smocked women convinced me that their $32 tube of lipstick is somehow superior to my C.O. Bigelow lip tint.  While I covet those fancy schmancy expensive beauty products I just can’t bring myself to spend the money on a brand name.

Pretty much everything else that you could possibly buy at a grocery store or drug store, I buy their generic versions.  Even if the store brand is only two cents cheaper, then I’ll buy it because that extra two cents is going to help put my children through Harvard!  My new best friend Meijer has her own line of many store brands that have caused me to develop a leetle girl crush on her.  Prettily packaged and tasty and GENERIC makes my heart go pitter pat.

Are there things that you are violently opposed to purchasing the generic version (like my aversion to generic canned tomatoes?) 

What about diapers?  I didn’t even mention diapers before!  I’ve not had any trouble with the Parent’s Choice brand, but I just really like how soft the Pampers are for Ella.  Carson used to wear Huggies, but they started leaking so now he’s also wearing Pampers and I’m wondering if I could skimp on their diapers and use the money saved to buy myself some fancy schmancy beauty products?  Hmmm?  (I’m only sort of joking.)

Discuss amongst yourselves.  Let the cheap comments flow….

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Post #3 about moving.  Sorry.  And 2! days in a row. 

I woke up this morning with the most gigantic zit on my chin.  Also, I’m a little snippy and a whole lot extra sarcastic.  Either I’m suddenly 14 again, or I’m stressed.

Any time that I’m under extra stress (like MOVING) (and yes MOVING does deserve it’s all caps status), I tend to worry about everything that could possibly be worried about. 

Some of my worries are valid, and something I’m certain anyone MOVING would have the same worries.

• Obviously I’m worried about the actual process of moving.  Duh.
• What if I don’t have Internet access in the temporary housing?  Will I die?
• It was cold here this morning, but Indiana is practically Arctic Circle.  I’m going to freeze to death, aren’t I?
• How are all the little details ever going to be completed?  It’s impossible.  There is no way that any of this stuff is going to get done.
• I won’t know anyone.  I’ll have to make new friends all over again.  And I have this GIANT ZIT on my face so nobody will even want to talk to me!
• And
• Many
• Many
• More…. 

I’m trying to be positive, though.  I’ve done some research and have found some things that will make everything all better when we move to Indiana.

• There is a Moe’s in the town where we’ll be living.  Thank God for the Homewrecker and the Billy Barou.  Amen.
• There is a Target!  Also, there is a Meijer.  I’ve heard nothing but great things about Meijer and am hoping for a long and mutually beneficial relationship.
• There are lots of great houses for sale right now just waiting for me to move in, organize, and decorate.   I can’t wait to shop for the necessary items everyone buys when they move into a new home like a new brown and blue bedspread with matching shams, bed skirt, pillows, and curtains.  I bet they’ll even have what I want at Target!   Also, I suspect new towels for the master bath will be needed to coordinate with the new bedding.  I’d hate to leave the kitchen out, so getting some new dishes and glasses would only be fair. 
• Since it’s going to be bitterly cold, I must get a new hat, gloves, scarf, and boots.  My old ones simply won’t do.  Also, new sweaters, socks, and lingerie will have to be purchased.

Retail therapy is cheaper than “real” therapy, right?

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