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Dreaming of waffles and Honey Bunches of Oats

Written on October 15, 2008 by Jennifer in my hawt body, Quirky Me

Breakfast time around my house sometimes feels like some sort of sick and twisted psychological torture session.

Waffles! With crispy edges and dripping in gooey, delectable REAL maple syrup.

Honey Bunches of Oats! Beautiful golden flakes with crunchy clusters, crispy and simply delicious.

As I make breakfast for Carson and Ella everyday, my mouth waters. My brain and my stomach wage a vicious war against one another.

Brain: Jennifer. You are on a low carb diet and waffles and Honey Bunches of Oats are a no-no. How about a nice plate of eggs? Scrambled, maybe? Or how about over easy? No, make that over hard. Over easy eggs are just not good without some toast to mop of the yolk. And you and I both know that toast is OFF LIMITS.

Stomach: Go f*ck yourself, Brain. It’s cruel to tempt me. I am craving something CRISPY! Like waffles! Or flaky Honey Bunches of Oats! I will purge any egg you try to give me. Do YOU HEAR ME, JENNIFER?

Brain: “Craving?” “Purging?” Jennifer are we pregnant????

Of course, I’m NOT pregnant, just suffering from low-carb induced mania. When Tate and I faithfully followed a low carb diet before kids, it was far easier. We rid our house of any taunting carb-laden foods. Now with kids, though, carbs mock me from every cupboard with their evil cackles and knowing sneers.

Once I get through breakfast, the low carb diet is SO easy to stick to, though. Okay, fine, it’s not easy when we go out to lunch and rather than ordering a reuben sandwich with a side of potato salad, I order a chef salad. Boo! But the rest of the time it’s EASY.

Well maybe snack time is hard, too. I can only eat so many nuts and cheese sticks before I really just want a handful of chocolate chip cookies or some chips and salsa.

And going out to dinner is hard when I’d rather have a baked potato, french fries, or rice instead of blah, blah broccoli to accompany me and my MEAT.

But eating low carb at home is easy peasy, simple as a pimple, no problemo! Except that rather having meat with a side of meat, I crave some macaroni and cheese, especially the frozen kind from Stouffer’s with it’s creamy deliciousness and tender pasta.

So, okay, I’ll admit, a low carb diet really is hard to stick to, which I KNOW means it’s probably not a long term diet solution which means it’s probably not a weight loss solution at all and maybe I should think about making changes that I can actually live with, changes which include waffles! and Honey Bunches of Oats! and potato salad! and french fries! and cookies! and mac and cheese!

I’m screwed, aren’t I?

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I’m keeping the appointment. Period.

Written on September 9, 2008 by Jennifer in Huh?, I am woman, my hawt body, Quirky Me

Those of you who follow me on Twitter may have had the pleasure of seeing this tweet from me yesterday:

Oh I’m sorry Mom(s), Kate, my neighbors, any guys reading, I probably should have warned you that today you *might* get a little too much information about me that you didn’t really need to know.

Oops. My bad. Consider yourself warned, it’s not getting any better.

So now you know I’m menstruating AND I got a pap smear. I suspect that sometimes when you come here to read you think to yourself, “wow, Playgroups are no place for children. Where it’s all vagina talk, all the time.”

Anyway, back to my Twitter question yesterday…I got several replies and direct messages. About 75% of you said I should cancel my appointment, 25% of you said I should go ahead and get my pap smear.

A few of you suggested I should call my doctor and just ask. *smacks self on head* Yeah, I probably should have just done that rather than Twittering about my “monthly visitor.”****

When I called the office, the nurse said that there was no need to reschedule since my menses had just started.

On one hand, EWWW! GROSS!

On the other hand, there were lots of tense moments trying to get someone (read: Tate) to watch the kids while I went to the appointment. I had to remind someone about twenty zillion times about this appointment and hear about how it’s a bad time at work, but “it’s no big deal *heavy sigh*. I’ll figure out something and be home to watch the kids **heavier sigh**.”

Also as several of you on Twitter pointed out, the OB/GYN office has seen worse.

Since the doctor said to come on in, then there was no way I was rescheduling. Gross or not. So what would you have done in this situation?

PS. Don’t you just hate the word “menstruation” and “menses?” Me, too! Ick.

PSS. I vow that this is the last time I talk about my womanly parts for at least a month. You’re welcome.

PSSS. ****”Monthly visitor” is a bit of a misnomer, as it’s not any sort of “monthly” or “regular”, but rather, “just comes whenever the f*ck it feels like it and stays for a month.” Thanks Mirena!

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Hair Update

Written on June 13, 2008 by Jennifer in haiku friday, my hawt body, Pictures, Quirky Me

Just like Hair Thursday
Here’s an update on my hair
I STILL love it so

Thanks Whoorl and YOU
I’m so glad I went for it
Makes me feel sass-ay!

This picture was taken at the end of a very hot, muggy day AND a day that I hadn’t even washed it. Now THAT is a testament to the sheer awesomeness of my hair. I do have to blow dry and flat-iron it everyday, but since it ends up actually looking good, I don’t mind fixing it everyday. With the shorter length and bangs, I have to get it cut more often. That’s not exactly a punishment since that just means I get to leave my house WITHOUT CHILDREN more often, so score 2 bonus points for me!

If you have an Aveda salon in your city, I’d HIGHLY recommend checking it out. You get a mini-massage before every haircut, and if you’re getting your hair colored you get a FOOT MASSAGE! Heaven! In case you happen to live in the same town as me, go see Kortney at our local Aveda salon.

To play along for Haiku Friday, follow these steps:
1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. What’s a haiku, you ask? Click here.

2. Sign the Mister Linky below with your name and the link to your haiku post (the specific post URL, not your generic blog URL). We will delete your link if it doesn’t go to a haiku. If you need help with this, contact Christina or myself. REMEMBER…ONLY sign Mr. Linky if you have a HAIKU POST.

3. Pick up a Haiku Friday button to display on the post or in your sidebar by clicking the button above.

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S*exing It Up With Carmen Electra

Written on May 23, 2008 by Jennifer in haiku friday, my hawt body, photoshop fun

Trying something new
Carmen Electra’s striptease
instead of yoga

Seductive moves and
bedroom eyes to tone my arse
I felt like a tool

It is now clear that
stripping is not my calling
I am no Carmen

Yesterday I decided that instead of spending the children’s nap time on the computer, I would work out. Flipping through the exercise video choices on On Demand, I stumbled across Carmen Electra’s “Fit to Strip” workout. To be honest, I had actually seen it before, and wanted to try it out, but felt too silly. Since no one would be watching I decided to coax out my inner stripper.

It didn’t go so well.

First of all, I didn’t have the proper attire, perky boobs, or pigtails.

Even though no one could see me, I felt like a complete jackass doing these moves. I embarrassed myself.

“Now it’s time for body rolls!” Carmen exclaimed. Yeah, that’s what I need. MORE body rolls! Whee!

“Let’s sex it up!” she encouraged. Let’s not. HOW EMBARRASSING.

Also. Beans for lunch before a “strenuous” workout. Bad idea. And NOT sexy.

(I’m totally kidding about the last part. That NEVER happened. *ahem*)

Note to self: Workouts would be more efficient if the majority of the time wasn’t spent pausing the TV, taking pictures and giggling at my own jokes.

To play along for Haiku Friday, follow these steps:
1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. What’s a haiku, you ask? Click here.

3. Pick up a Haiku Friday button to display on the post or in your sidebar by clicking the button above.

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Hungover. An Analysis of Overeating. Also, Cake Decorating Critique.

Written on May 19, 2008 by Jennifer in my hawt body, Pictures, Quirky Me

Why? WHY??? Why do I eat SO MUCH food, knowing how rotten I’ll feel afterwards???

This past weekend, we celebrated Ella’s first birthday with five pounds of pulled pork, six slabs of ribs, 27 gallons (not really, but A LOT) of potato salad, 40 tons (kidding!) of baked beans, and a huge sheet cake covered in homemade buttercream icing.

Also, beer.

I’m certain that I ate my weight, well my previous weight in food this weekend. Friday, I ate at least 2 cups of icing. “Butter, I’d like to introduce you to my ass. Ass, this is butter.”

If I owned a scale, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it screamed at me, “You’ve gained 27 pounds, you idiot. Ever heard of putting the fork down? Dummy.”

Eventhough my brain told me that my stomach was BEYOND full, I just kept shoveling it in. WHY??? Why can’t I stop when I’m full? I didn’t need seconds! Or thirds! Or to eat on Sunday at all! I’m suffering from a massive food hangover right now. Can you hear me moaning??

I promised pictures of my painstakingly decorated cake. Seriously, I’m so full right now that even looking at this cake makes me feel even more ill. **moan**

Since I’m already moaning and groaning, let’s discuss my cake decorating woes. CRUMBS! I curse you crumbs! Despite my crumb layer and putting the cake in the fridge before the final layer, the icing was still crummy. Delicious, yes, but so crummy. Grrr. Also, even with the fancy tips, I had a really hard time making a pretty edge. And the writing on the cake! Carson could have done a better job. **moooooo-oooh-ooan**

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Tada!

Written on April 14, 2008 by Jennifer in my hawt body, Pictures, Quirky Me

My camera battery died and this was the best shot I got that didn’t include my double chin. Thank you all so much for your support with my hair and holding my hand.

I love my new hair. It’s a beautiful chocolate brown and the cut is fantastic. This new hair makes me feel sexy (at least from the tip of my chin and up).

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Hoo-Hatorial

Written on April 3, 2008 by Jennifer in I am woman, my hawt body, playing along

So I think we’ve established two things.

1. We all pee our pants.
2. Kegels? Huh? We don’t really know how to do them.

Sarah at Ordinary Days, and fellow Indiana blogger, had a fine idea to have a kegel karnival. Maybe this will get us motivated! Go check it out and add your story!

kegel karnival!

Since many of us don’t even know how to do a kegel, I did a little research. For the betterment of all womankind, I’d like to offer you the following hoo-hatorial. I will not be checking to make sure you read and followed these instructions, just so you know. I mean, I like you, but I don’t like you THAT much. Ew. If you want to continue peeing yourself, be my guest.

I’ve also decided to include my personal thoughts on these instructions, in the form of parenthetical references and italics! Enjoy!

1. Find your PC muscle. (PC stands for Pnvboehifhaihiheifh) Your PC muscle is the one that stops your tinkle. So to find it, tinkle a bit then make it stop. That’s your PC muscle.

You can also, uh, well, stick your finger…(Nevermind. I’m SO not going there.) If you’re interested go to this link.

2. (Phew. Found the PC muscle, am I done? No? Damn.) Squeeze your PC muscles as hard as you can. (I can’t?) Squeeze for 3-5 seconds. (Riiiiiiight. That’s like a freaking eternity with these worn out muscles!)

3. Now it’s time for reps. (Reps?? Are you facking kidding me???) Start with five reps. Squeeze, hold 3-5 seconds, release.

4. Once you’re able to do this, work up to more repetitions and to holding each for longer. (Super hoo-ha , here I come!) You want to work up to 10 seconds. (10 seconds??? With my hoo-ha muscles??? Seriously, is that even possible????)

5. Do your kegels 3-4 times per day. (I’m going to do this the next time I’m I’Ming with Megan or talking on the phone with Heather. Hiiiiiii! I’m doing my hoo-ha reps RIGHT NOW!)

I hope for your sake that you’ve just spent these past few seconds aquainting yourself with your hoo-ha muscles. Kegels can be done anywhere, anytime. Nobody has to know that you’re doing them, although the very serious look of concentration and the counting might give it away. Just sayin’. Now go practice and tell your story, then link it….HERE!

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On a completely unrelated note, catch the BOOBs tonight on BlogTalkRadio at 8:30 Eastern time as we discuss mommyblogging and branding. Pleeeeaaaaassssse call in while practicing your kegels. Pleeeeeaaaaassse.

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