Tate and I had a date set up for last Friday night, so despite feeling like crud-o-la, we packed the kids off to the trusty Parent’s Night Out program at one of the local churches.  This was the first time we’d been able to do this since August, Carson was actually sent off with the big, elementary age kids for the first time ever and Ella stayed with the other preschoolers.  The church makes you take a card with your child’s information on it and it must be used to get your child back.  No card-no kid.  I guess they send those to the dungeon at the church if the parents don’t have their card at the end of the night. I don’t want to find out!

The older kids only get signed in, no card was given when Carson was dropped off, which made Tate very nervous.  I’m protective of the kids, sure, but Tate is even more protective and he didn’t feel at all comfortable with the way it didn’t seem as secure for the older kids.  I brushed it off and assured him that he was being a little anal and to relax because it DATE NIGHT WOO HOO! (Cough, snort, where’s my cold medicine?!?!)

We ate at one of those Brazilian restaurants where the men come by with hunks of meat that they carve off for you.  Our date included three other couples- there was lots of laughing and wine sipping and general merriment.  It’s all fun and games until the bill shows up, amirite?!  HOLY $126 DINNER.  I mean, it was fun to hang out with friends and eat a lot of carved meat, but it wasn’t $126 fun.  This part of the post has nothing to do with anything-really it’s just a public service announcement:  BEWARE OF BILLS AT BRAZILIAN STEAKHOUSES.

You’re welcome!

So if you’re one of those sleuth types, you may have already realized that when we went to pick up the kids, we learned that the night didn’t go so well for Carson.  Somehow, not too long before we came to pick him up, Carson got separated from his class as they were leaving the movie room. He says that he went straight back to his classroom, but nobody was there.  Somehow he managed to make it all the way upstairs, where a volunteer eventually found him sobbing.

I have no idea what the actual timeline of events really is, I have no idea if his teacher ever even knew he was missing.  I’m confused how a child could get separated from his class and manage to make it past where I would have assumed adults would have been monitoring doors and up a set of stairs before he was found.  I don’t want to be alarmist or make a mountain out of a molehill, but you know-when you trust people to watch your child-and that is basically their SOLE responsibility, it’s a bit disconcerting that something like this could happen.

I hardly slept that night, waffling between being utterly FURIOUS and grateful that he was smart enough not to go outside or get lost in the church. (It’s one of those mega churches with a school attached, so he could have easily gotten lost in the building.)

I should have called the director of the Parent’s Night Out Program, but I was afraid that I’d cry and sound either like a blubbering mom or a maniac.  I did email the director, though, so that she’ll at least be aware that they LOST MY CHILD last Friday.  Obviously they need to put into place a better system for keeping track of kids.

Unrelated to any of this, my cold is almost gone!  So that’s good, right?

©2012 Playgroups are No Place For Children. All Rights Reserved.

I’ve just recently signed on with Hallmark as part of their Life is a Special Occasion campaign.  I’m really excited because I will now have no excuse to not write here in this space and talk about the little, big, and everything in between events happening ’round these, here parts.  I’m also excited because, well, it’s Hallmark!

Continuing with the theme of: Talking About Myself, here’s what I’ve been talking about on my Babble Voices blog, Southern By Proxy…(I’d be so honored if you’d visit me there.  Yes, of course I realize that it’s a lot to ask.  It’s just that, I miss you, my regular blog readers, and I feel like I’m fumbling around over there trying to find my voice and the type of post that “works.”)

* Carson has nightly homework in Kindergarten-yes, KINDERGARTEN-and I’m just trying to figure out what the point of busy work really is.

* I got grazed by the sleepover bullet and I’m hoping that I don’t get hit with it again any time soon.

* Don’t get your panties in a bunch, but I don’t really think it’s that horrible when someone says to you, “you sure have your hands full!”

And now to the more selfless portion of the program: I want to start a feature on either Thursdays or Fridays…or you know, whenever the mood strikes, to feature great posts I’ve read around the Internets.  With the share function gone from Google Reader, I just feel like I never get to tell the world what they should be reading.  It was one place I could be totally bossy and get away with it.

Jennie’s posts are always thoughtful and insightful, but I love this post-it’s romantic in a the very best of ways.  Eight.

Having devoted a good portion of January to unsubscribing to EVERYTHING in an effort to manage my email better, this post by Marinka had me chuckling out loud (COL).

I love reading birth stories, I think in another life I’d like to be a doula, and I loved Emily’s birth story about her precious fourth baby, Paul Richard.

And that’s all I’ve got for now, folks.  Any good news to share?

©2012 Playgroups are No Place For Children. All Rights Reserved.

You can bet that I won’t be playing around on Pinterest today.  I certainly don’t need anymore reason to feel inferior.

Carson went to bed last night without stories because he yelled at me one time too many.  Tate went to bed at 9 pm, silently.  I wasn’t particularly proud of my parenting or my wife-ing last night, but to be fair, there were two other people who shouldn’t be proud of their behavior either. Punks.

Two wrongs don’t make a right.  It’s the unresolved wrongs that invade dreams with streaky, anxiety-filled, nonsensical scenes that leave you bleary eyed in the morning.

“Never go to bed angry,” they say.  Well THEY are right, but THEY are also not practical.  Sometimes there’s really nothing left to be said.  You just have to be angry and decide to get over it.

I guess the same should be said for my mood.

I think today needs the fancy body wash, extra mascara, and waffles.  Definitely waffles.  They’re scientifically proven to be mood perker-uppers.  It’s true.

©2012 Playgroups are No Place For Children. All Rights Reserved.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

I ran miles and miles and miles.  I started a business. I got paid as a freelance writer. I sent my baby to Kindergarten.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I actually feel pretty good about my resolutions from last year. I mean, I didn’t get all of them accomplished, but I still feel like I put a rather sizeable dent in my list.

Last year’s goals (2011):

Personal:

1.  Continue to work on being more calm, less rushed, less prone to yelling
**I am still working on this.  I think I will always be working on this. I try to remember the quote from Ann Voskamp, “Life is not an emergency,” particularly when I’m practically a damn ringmaster with a whip, freaking out about how NOT QUICKLY the children are moving when it’s time to go somewhere.
2.  Lose two pants sizes DONE! (Actually it was 3 pants sizes, but whose counting?!)
3.  Drink at least 64 ounces of water everyday
**I–I just am unable to remember to drink water, or any liquids, except when I’m suddenly dying of thirst.  I’m keeping this on my list for next year.
4.  Bake bread from scratch
**Nope.  Not really feeling this one for 2012 either.
5.  Run two 5K’s DONE! (I think I ran 4 5K races and 1 10K race.)
6.  Have an email/social media/computer free day per week
**I did such a good job on this for the first few months of 2011, but then I just didn’t.  I do try and and reduce my computer time on the weekends, but I just can’t have completely email/social media/computer free days.
7.  Read a whole bunch-a books (again) Mostly done.  Will try to read 40 books this year!
8.  Help teach my children to be kinder and more thoughtful by doing random acts of kindness.
**What kind of a loser sets this as a goal and doesn’t do any of it?!  This kind right here. I’ll admit that this one feels uncomfortable to me, which is probably why I SHOULD do this.
9.  Get a passport and travel somewhere out of the country with Tate for our 10th wedding anniversary.  DONE-ish! We went to Hilton Head, SC for our anniversary. I was…disappointed when we initially set up the vacation there.  I wanted tropical, all-inclusive resort in a foreign paradise. Tate wanted safe, familiar US soil.  Hilton Head was such a lovely place, though. I just fell in love with it that I hope we can go back there every summer.
10.  Keep in touch better with my extended family members
**I suck at this.
11.  Initiate more with friends, be the one to call, the one to invite out for dinner…
**I suck at this, too.
12.  Catch up on Mad Men DONE! Also got caught up on Friday Night Lights.  This year’s plan includes Breaking Bad.
13.  Organize our basement and attic
**Ha! Ha ha ha ha, ha.  No.
14.  Have a garage sale and/or donate to a worthy organization (any suggestions?) (DONE!)
15.  Buy all new make-up with the help of a friend to tell me what to buy DONE!
16.  Be a better blog commenter (comment on at least 10 blog posts per week)
**I’m keeping this one for next year.  My blog commenting got even worse this year.
17.  Take more risks even if it means that I might look stupid or embarrass myself I guess starting a business counts as taking a risk?  It feels like a risk. It feels like I look stupid quite often.

Photography:

1.  Take photos of at least 3 families Kinda done! I took photos of one family and one newborn, plus a wedding.  Photography is a lot of work and I’m pretty sure that it’s not something I want to pursue as a profession.
2.  Get more photos printed DONE! They are in a box, though, not displayed. *shrugs shoulders*
3.  Make a photo book of my favorite shots
**Nope.  Didn’t get this done.  Maybe this year.  Probably not, though
4.  Get better with photographing and editing shots taken in artificial light. I’m calling this one DONE, even though I still have a lot to learn.  Lightroom has been a big help with fixing white balance, as well as the Clickin’ Moms class I took.
5.  Learn to use my external flash (affiliate link) Another one that I’m calling DONE, but still have SO, SO MUCH to learn.
6.  Shoot a wedding DONE! NEVER AGAIN.
7.  Instead of Project 365, complete a Project 52, choosing the best photos from each week in 2011.
**I need a photography project for this year because I’m going weeks without even picking up my camera.  I don’t want to lose everything I’ve learned, but I also don’t need yet another thing to make me feel overwhelmed.

Spiritual:

1.  Write one post about my faith that explains how much it means to me DONE!
2.  Read books about other faiths
**I need suggestions.
3.  Remember to pray before every meal
**I’m usually so hungry and ready to get dinner over with, cleaned up, and the kids to bed that I forget to pray.  (See above regarding my goal to stop rushing.)
4.  Lead a prayer outloud DONE.  It was semi-awful the three times I did it. I don’t feel confident in HOW you are supposed to pray outloud.  I usually just talk to God like he’s my dad sitting next to me on the couch, except silently and in incomplete thoughts, and I don’t know how to do that outloud with other people listening.
5.  Lead a study in my women’s group at church DONE! (Actually I co-lead a study, but I’m counting it!)

This year’s goals (2012):

Personal:

1.  Calm, patient, less yelling.  Yadda yadda yadda. Same ol’, same ol’.
2.  Drink more water!
3.  Work with my kids to figure out how to serve others, maybe through donations, projects, volunteering, and/or random acts of kindness.
4.  Call family and friends.  On the phone.  Just to say hi.
5.  Organize the basement and attic.
6.  Be a better blog commenter.
7.  Run a half-marathon.
8.  Run a 5K in under 30 minutes.
9.  Laugh more.
10. Catch up on Harry Potter movies
11.  Read 40 books this year!
12.  Find a TV show that Tate and I can watch together.

Business:

1.  Set up my business as an LLC.
2.  Grow my business, increase pageviews to the website and get more Facebook fans.
3.  Sell advertising for my business and create campaigns with local companies that are mutually beneficial.

Spiritual:

1.  Figure out how God wants to use me and then do it.
2. Read books about other faiths
3. Read the Bible

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My neighbor had the cutest baby boy ever.  Besides Carson, of course.  I think this link will work to see the newborn pictures I took of him.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thank God.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A clean house.  Organized papers.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

October 8-13, our trip to Disney!  Everything about the trip was just so MAGICAL.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Losing weight, sticking with running for longer than a month, and starting my business.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I feel like I lost my funny this year.  I read every post I wrote here in 2011 and I had nothing funny to say at all.  I feel so bogged down with work and life and school and everything else, that I notice that I don’t find things as funny as I used to.  I want my funny back.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Our vacations.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Everyone I know who did something kind for others.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Too many people.  Jerry Sandusky and everyone who covered up for him definitely stands out.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Mortgage, our new car, vacations, and Kroger.  I should never complain about my life.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

God, Running, Friday Night Lights, Hilton Head, Disney World

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Life is a Highway by Rascal Flatts.  My kids were obsessed with this song and we listened to it over and over and over.  Also, You are My Sunshine.  I sang that to Ella many nights this year before bed.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  a) happier or sadder?  b) thinner or fatter?  c) richer or poorer?

Happier and sadder, thinner, richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spending quality time alone with Tate.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Being so serious.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We spent Christmas here at home with my parents.  Christmas day was relaxing and lazy.  The weekend before Christmas we enjoyed a visit with Tate’s family.  Our holiday season was wonderful as always. Except for all the new stuff that I have no idea where it will go and the lack of Christmas spirit I felt this year.  Other than that, it was GREAT.  Just great.

21. Did you fall in love with 2011?

I did re-fall in love with Tate after our anniversary trip and trip to Disney.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Mad Men and Friday Night Lights. 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I really don’t like to use that word, hate.  But no, there is not.

24. What was the best book you read?

I feel like I didn’t really read that many good books this year.  If I had to pick the best, it would be Cutting for Stone. (affiliate link)

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Mumford and Sons

26. What did you want and get?

Thinner thighs and hips so that I could wear skinny jeans with tall boots.

27. What did you want and not get?

I can’t think of anything, I’m a very lucky girl.

28. What was your favorite film of 2011?

I really enjoyed Inception and The Social Network.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 36 and my in laws came into town to watch the kids so that Tate and I could go to Nashville for the weekend.  It was perfect.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More laughing and having a better handle on juggling working with parenting and wife-ing.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2011?

Trying hard not to look frumpy. Always avoiding the frump.

32. What kept you sane?

Saturday and Sunday.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

That Rick Perry video sure was disturbing.

34. Who did you miss?

Family and friends who live far away

35. Who was the best new person you met?

Heather from TheMommyhood.com

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Trust your instincts. Pray. You can do anything you put your mind to.  Kindness always wins.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

See?  I can’t think of a single song lyric when put on the spot like this.

********

Happy New Year, everybody!  Hope 2012 will be a great year for all of us!

©2012 Playgroups are No Place For Children. All Rights Reserved.

It’s amazing that a holiday that for centuries has been on December 25th, can completely floor us with it’s arrival.  If there wasn’t so much to do to prepare for this one twenty-four hour period, maybe we would feel better prepared for it’s arrival?

The good news is that I am 100% done with shopping. (Imagine that I’m doing the Arsenio Hall arm pump thingy accompanied by some hooting.)  However, I’m not done wrapping, meal planning, or cleaning.  I was kinda sorta hoping for your help, kind reader, with the meal planning part.

We have already had one Christmas with Tate’s side of the family where we served turkey AND we had turkey at Thanksgiving AND I’m plain sick of turkey.  One of our Christmas guests doesn’t eat ham.  I’m completely baffled about what I should make for our Christmas dinner! My husband suggested venison.  I suggested he stop talking nonsense.

Do you have any good ideas for what I could serve?  Please and THANK YOU.

(photo source)

:::

If you’re one of those people who’s already done with cookingcleaningshoppingwrapping and are looking for some most excellent reads, here are a few to keep you busy.  No, no…YOU’RE welcome.

Answering the door, scantily clad, for the delivery man was at least better than Ella answering the door without me around.

We discussed eggnog here a few years back, but it’s a very, VERY important subject, yes? My son had some very pointed words to say about eggnog.

I was interviewed at Care.com regarding my thoughts on New Year’s resolutions.  I think your early resolution could be to click RIGHT HERE.

©2012 Playgroups are No Place For Children. All Rights Reserved.

So this calendar o’ mine, I have very carefully coordinated each and every activity, party, and craft into every spare minute that I have.  It would all be going swimmingly if it weren’t for the unexpected birthday party invitation my son received for a party on a TUESDAY night (ALL CAPS because it’s SCHOOLNIGHTOUTRAGE). My son, he was so excited about this birthday party.

“It’s at Chuck E. Cheese, Mom!  I can’t wait!” he said.  His giddiness equally matched my irritation.

Tuesday night I was supposed to go out with my book club and discuss books. And by “discuss books,” I really mean, stuff myself silly with chips, guacamole, and enchiladas while sipping a margarita.  Topped with a TUESDAY SCHOOLNIGHTOUTRAGE birthday party, I was feeling a little sorry for myself.  I mean, I’d already carefully coordinated my schedule just for the promise of Mexican food and libations.  I’d turned down other parties so that I could go to this one.

Whine. Pout. Stomp. Frumple Face.

I didn’t get a chance to eat dinner before taking Carson to the party.  It just wasn’t scheduled on the calendar, so by the time the party was over (8:00 on a SCHOOLNIGHTOUTRAGE), I was starving.  Since my Mexican food bonanza had been cancelled, I decided that the only this that could soothe my sad, sad heart was a quick trip through the drive through at Taco Bell.

This is when a good friend sitting in the passenger seat could have really helped a girl out because a six-year-old in the backseat only serves to egg you on.  A good friend would have talked me out of a trip to Taco Bell, but my son thought it was a GREAT idea.

“You LOVE tacos, Mom,” he reminded me.  Indeed, that is true.  I love tacos, but I really love tacos that come from places that don’t serve food out of a drive through window.

At home I devoured my Taco Bell order, dejected. I even managed to meet my goal of “stuffing myself silly,” but it didn’t take away the fact that instead of having fun at a much needed night away with friends, I spent an evening at Chuck E. Cheese with 20 kabillion very excited children. Instead of feeling better about the whole situation, I just felt gross AND sad.

The moral of the story is this: Don’t seek comfort with Taco Bell.  I hope you’ll find this tip very helpful in your times of need this busy holiday season.

©2012 Playgroups are No Place For Children. All Rights Reserved.

Then I grew older and learned the truth.  No, he didn’t exist, but I still cherished the magical feeling the belief in Santa brought to all those Christmases. I can’t imagine my childhood without Santa! It’s a tradition I never considered NOT carrying on with my kids.

I’ll admit that I’m not really feeling Christmas this year.  Santa and all his cohorts with their gifts are making me feel overwhelmed. I look around my children’s playroom (and their bedrooms, and my living room, and under the couches, and in closets, and under my feet) and can see clearly that they have too much STUFF.  They’re completely spoiled.

They have no idea what it is to want for anything, let alone that other people struggle to have even the most basic of their needs met.  My kids will not only wake up in a warm bed Christmas morning and have a filling breakfast while wearing brand new PJs, they’ll also have a ridiculous number of gifts to open from Tate and I, from grandparents, aunts and uncles, and because he’s a part of our tradition, there will be gifts from Santa.  We are so incredibly blessed that this is the case, that we can provide their basic needs and much, MUCH more.  But the part of this that isn’t sitting well with me is that they EXPECT these gifts and in their innocent, age-appropriate way, they feel ENTITLED to these gifts.

Santa really is just a metaphor for “On Christmas, we get TOO MANY PRESENTS,” to the extent that Christmas seems like it’s just about gifts and that’s it.  And WE DID THIS, my husband and I.  We are the ones who have allowed Christmas to get out of control and haven’t showed them that Christmas is about giving and the celebration of Jesus’ birth.  I get that  Carson and Ella are just little kids and we have just wanted to fill them with magic and wonder, but I feel we’ve done a huge disservice to them by showering them with more STUFF and by perpetuating the myth of Santa.  Last year in an effort to put a limit on MORE! STUFF!, my husband and I decided that Santa would only be bringing one gift, he and I would give them two more for a total of three.  The thought process behind this idea was that Jesus got three gifts, so that’s what they would get, too.

But that doesn’t include the truckloads of gifts that will arrive from extended family.  Which?  I don’t want to deprive our family from the joy of giving either.

Then there’s this whole idea of Santa.  I’m mean, I simply can’t imagine Christmas without Santa, but I also feel like the whole idea of Santa is like an out of control car that we can’t jump off of.  It’s too late now to take Santa out of Christmas, and really, that’s not what I want at all.  In my heart, though, I feel really conflicted. I’m trying to get my children to love and believe in Jesus, but here in a few years they’ll find out that Santa isn’t real, but oh, that other guy, Jesus?  The one you can’t see either?  Well, HE is real. Yes, I know I lied about Santa, but I’m not lying about Jesus.  You should just trust me on this.  Really??

I’m struggling with how to make Christmas magical for my children without giving up Santa, but also stressing the Jesus part. (Or even if I were not Christian, I’d still want it to be more than just about STUFF, you know?)  What does the middle ground look like where Santa visits and Jesus is front and center and the kids get a few gifts and they APPRECIATE each one?  How do we jump off the runaway car?

©2012 Playgroups are No Place For Children. All Rights Reserved.

Tentatively I started to speak, out loud for the first time, about motherhood and it’s challenges.  I know now that there’s a fine balance between saying what needs to be said and saying too much, though I’m still learning to walk that tightrope.

My blog was my very own personal space, here’s what I said about it in February 2007,

“Nobody is leaving their dirty socks on my blog. Nobody is pointing and grunting at my blog and demanding a bite of it. My blog doesn’t have a leaky…diaper. There is NO LAUNDRY or dog hair in my blog. My blog has never told me ‘no’. “

I still treasure and feel very protective of this space, five years later.  It is still one place that is mine, all 845 posts.

When this blog began:

1.  I lived in Alabama.

2.  I’d never heard of Facebook because it was only for those young, whippersnapper college kids, but I did have a Myspace account, complete with flashy graphics and autoplay music.

3. I looked sort of like this, just less pregnant:

4.  This blog was a secret.

5.  I felt very lonely and isolated.

6.  I’d gained more than just pregnancy weight.

7.  I cussed like a sailor.

8.  I never exercised because I thought I didn’t have time.  (I really didn’t have time, though.)

9.  I was in a playgroup, which is indeed why this blog got the name I gave it.

10.  I’d never heard of Google Reader, spent my days commenting on at least twenty blogs a day, and felt a real sense of community online.

11.  I didn’t have a paying job.

Since this blog began:

1.  I’ve moved twice (to Indiana, then to Tennessee) and lived in five different houses and/or apartments.

2.  I’ve started accounts on Facebook, Twitter, and about 32 million other sites that in hopes of making my blog super popular.  (Technorati, BlogLuxe, TopBlogSites, Cre8buzz, Plurk, NING groups, Alltop, StumbleUpon…)

3.  I look sort of look like this, except most of the time I’m less stylish and my children are squalling:

4. This blog isn’t a secret.  I still wish it was a secret some days.

5.  I don’t feel lonely or isolated anymore.  Well, usually.  We all feel lonely sometimes, right?   My life is pretty great and I feel incredibly blessed. Motherhood isn’t easy, but the kids are older now and we’re not bound by a nap schedule and they don’t completely drain me of life every single minute of the day.

6. I gained even more weight then lost most of it.

7.  I don’t cuss like a sailor on the blog and I try not to cuss now except when the situation warrants it.  There are many situations that warrant a good swear word, though.

8.  I ran a 10K on Thanksgiving day in 1:01.  I am getting ready to start training to run a half marathon. I’m making the time even though I don’t really have time to do the training.

9. I’m not in a playgroup, but yet!  The blog name remains the same.  It’s too late to change it now.

10.  I adore my Google Reader, though I’m ticked they took away the Share function.  I rarely comment on blogs anymore, but I want to do better because I miss that community feeling.  I mean, the community is there, but I feel like I’m on the outskirts looking in.

11. I have jobs!  Real jobs!  And it’s all because five years ago this month, I opened a Blogger account and started writing.

©2012 Playgroups are No Place For Children. All Rights Reserved.

1.  Tate called me Tuesday morning and offered to take me out to lunch.  The offer alone was a gift, actually sitting down alone in a restaurant with him was just the cherry on top.

2.  A friend and long time reader, mpotter,  told me that she had seen me in Redbook Magazine!  I had completely forgotten that I was going to be in the magazine.  My name is in a magazine because of something I wrote (that was heavily edited and added to, but whatevs.  I’m in a real, live magazine!)

3.  I was asked by Old Navy and Babble Voices if I’d be interested in shopping at Old Navy and talking about the trip and our purchases on my blog, Southern By Proxy.  I gotta say, shopping with $150, courtesy of Old Navy, doesn’t exactly suck.

In fact, it was pretty awesome.  Please see below, Ella jumping up and down for joy in a dress she picked out on her own.  I felt the same joy and I might have jumped up and down for joy, too.  It doesn’t hurt that they are having a huge sale right now, lots of items starting at $5.

©2012 Playgroups are No Place For Children. All Rights Reserved.

Last week while standing in line at the Genius Bar at the Apple Store, I felt the beginnings of a panic attack. I had just come from my Bible study, a study that I’m reluctantly co-leading, so my Bible was in my purse. I was so afraid that I’d melt down right there in front of all these people holding their iPhones and iPads, in front of blue shirted, head set wearing Genius Bar employees, and in front of my daughter. As my chest tightened and I felt like screaming for everyone around me to just shut up for two seconds, I reached my hand inside my purse and placed my hand on my small silver Bible and I prayed for God to help me to get control of myself. I prayed the same prayer over and over, breathing deeply in and out until I felt like I could finally look around at the people around me without my face crumpling into an ugly cry.

My children’s behavior has been shockingly atrocious these past few weeks. I told a friend after a particularly grueling meltdown in the front of Steak and Shake that I think my daughter finally broke me. I continue to feed her daily and tell her that I love her and do all the things I’m supposed to do as her loving mother, but each kind thing I did for her it was with suspicious eyes, waiting for the next shoe to fall. Wary, weary, and desperately wanting a reprieve from their bad behavior, I’ve been running further and further distances just to be alone.

I’ve definitely taken on too many responsibilities at once, too many things that I don’t have to do, but I know that I need to do. Freelance writing jobs, Family Friendly Knoxville, volunteering, and Bible study.  It’s funny, though, the Bible study I’m leading, the one that I’m reluctantly co-leading, is based on the book, “One Thousand Gifts,” by Ann Voskamp and it’s an entire book based on thanking God for every thing in our lives, a practice in seeing all the beauty that surrounds us.

In purposely practicing this gratitude, I think I’m beginning to heal from the wounds slashed into my soul these past two weeks. The self inflicted, the child inflicted, the husband inflicted wounds are each healing nicely as I focus more energy on the good instead of sinking further into the cesspool of muck that I’ve created in my own little world.

It feels good to breathe again.

(My friend Heather has started this free writing exercise and I decided to see what would happen if I just sat down and gave myself 15 minutes of uninterupted time to just write.  This is what came out.  Unedited, except for the red squiggly lined typos.)

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