Category Archives: working mom

Something’s got to give, but I don’t know how to give up

Today was Pajama Day at school and I just plain overlooked the reminders that came home with BOTH kids on Friday. I finally realized it was Pajama Day as we sat in the drop off line before school and saw all the kids going in the building wearing their pajamas and fuzzy slippers. Of course, I deflected all blame and swore up and down to my kids that it wasn’t that I messed up, but it was that the teachers didn’t include it on their Friday notes. And of course, when I got home the first thing I did was re-read the notes home from both teachers on Friday and saw that, yep, they’d both said that today was Pajama Day at school.

Crap. (I actually said something a little worse.) (And I took pjs up to school for the kids to change into because I knew it would make their days.)

Last week, I published a post on my local family website that had completely inaccurate information. Not only was I MORTIFIED at my error, I was also completely ticked off at myself for not double checking my work and allowing a huge error to be published.

I’ve been just a little overwhelmed lately. By lately, I mean, for the past year. Somehow I’ve not quite mastered balancing this whole working thing with getting stuff done at home thing. Every Sunday night I absolutely dread the week, knowing how much there is to accomplish between writing assignments, homework, gymnastics, soccer, cooking dinner, laundry…well, you get the picture.

I waited seven years to send both kids off to school. I dreamed about the freedom I’d feel with all those hours to myself. It’s not really like what I was expecting. Homework, school volunteering, and after school activities are so time consuming. During those hours that the kids are in school, I try to work, but now that we got a puppy, there isn’t any uninterrupted time for me to work.  I’m constantly taking the puppy out to go potty, playing with the puppy, rushing to get errands run to get home to the puppy, rushing to write posts that have errors in them before I have to take the puppy outside again…

Tate reminded me the other day that I don’t have to do all of the things that I take on. It’s my choice to work, which yeah, I realize that I’m BEYOND lucky that it’s my choice, but I still do feel like I have to work. I feel like I should help earn money, I feel like “just” doing mom stuff isn’t enough (this is not a jab at stay at home moms, just how I feel about myself, okay!?), I feel like I’ve started some things that I don’t know how to stop.  I even made a list of what I do everyday in order of importance.

1. Kids (and remembering things like freaking Pajama Day. GAH.), Husband, Mae
2. Running
3. Friends
4. Laundry/Cooking/Grocery Shopping

There were 19 things on my list. Several of the things, like “Friends” are high on my priority list, but actually rank a lot lower in the time I actually devote to them. Then, the last four things on the list are things I’d like to just quit, but I don’t know how to just quit, because just quitting isn’t that simple (of course, it’s not).

Sooooo, I’m not actually going anywhere with this, but I just needed to say it. In writing. Something’s got to give, but I don’t know how to give up.

Eavesdropping

Just Write“Can I ask you a very candid question?” her voice boomed across the small seating area of the local coffee shop.  Her hair is state fair hair and I can smell her perfume all the way over here.

“Of course,” she replied tentatively.  Black suit, unassuming haircut. Quieter. She looks like she hasn’t slept well in about 13 years.

“You seem so OVER it all.”

I can’t even hear the reply, their voices are suddenly hushed.

::

I have six articles due by the end of the day.  My eye is twitching, reminding me that I really need make that eye appointment.  I forgot to buy a hula hoop for Carson’s birthday this Friday and I’ve looked at my calendar and can’t figure out how I could possibly fit in a shopping trip.

I hope I get to shower today.

::

I can hear the women talking again.

“Do you think it’s because you regret volunteering for it?”

“I felt backed into a corner.  You know how she is.  I should have said no.”

::

Ella has a fall party at school today, but I’m not going.  I feel really badly about not going, other parents will be there and I hope that she won’t feel sad when I don’t show up.

I did send in some pretzels, so there’s that.

It’s just that I can’t be in two places at once I have this long list of deadlines and…

Really? I’d just rather go to my running class than serve candy corn and pretzels to four-year-olds.

::

I’m not OVER it all, though.  Not really.  I wish that I had more to give everyone, sure, but I feel like I’m giving something to myself for a change.

She probably won’t even miss me at her fall party.

::

Booming voice lady isn’t really listening to black suit lady.  She keeps trying to convince her to keep giving.  More and more and more.

 

 

 

 

Crumb trail

Just WriteI’ve stopped going barefoot in my kitchen. Too many crumbs. Too many things to do to do anything about the crumbs. My eyes and my time are directed at the computer. Click, click, click. Crumbs on my feet.

I can hear the kids downstairs with their vroom vroom noises. Wait? Is that an “I’m hurt” cry? No, not this time. I’m relieved, yes that the cry isn’t one I need to run to, but I’m relieved they are occupied without me. Without the TV. It makes me feel less guilty. They’re playing, old fashioned, get on the floor, run trucks back and forth against the carpet playing.

It’s just a matter of time, I know it is, before I hear their step, step, steps up the stairs.  Click, get a glass of milk, click, click, break up a fight, click, “I’m sorry Carson, will you tell me that again, I didn’t hear what you said the first time?”  He knows better.  He knows about the crumbs.  They stick to his feet, too.

I wonder where the broom is?

Opportunity knocked, I answered the door

I feel a little sheepish after my last post, all “woe is me, I lost one of my freelance gigs, boo hoo” and now I’m going to tell you about two new projects I’m working on.

First, I’ve started writing for Babble and their Babble Voices project and I’m incredibly shocked I was asked to write for them.  My blog is called Southern by Proxy, a name I’ve mulled over for years and just never had the opportunity to use.  I love the logo, I’m so glad they used the little owl that Napwarden from NW Designs drew for me and this site.

My newest post is up over there and it’s a throwback to my old Smackdown series where I need you all to settle a disagreement between Tate and I.  It’s all about Macaroni and Cheese so obviously you can see how pressing this matter is.

Also!  Also, also!  After the loss of my summer freelance job, I moped and twiddled my thumbs for a few days and then I decided to just start my own site.  Opportunity knocked, I answered the door.  As soon as I can get it all set up, I’m starting a website called Family Friendly Knoxville to highlight all the great family friendly activities, restaurants, events, deals, and more in Knoxville and surrounding areas.  If you happen to live in the area, you can already check out our calendar of activities and events, follow us on Twitter @famfriendlyknox, “Like” the Facebook page, and follow our pins on Pinterest.

I’m really excited.

Also, I’m REALLY busy.

 

Light my fire

By December, I have to have completed 30 hours of continuing education to maintain my national certification as a Speech-Language Pathologist.  I’ve had several years to complete this, but since I’ve not worked since before Carson was born and conferences are quite expensive, I have NO hours completed.

Every few weeks when I get my national orgazination‘s newspaper, I suddenly remember those incomplete hours, panic, then get distracted by the dishwasher or screaming children and promptly forget all about it until a few weeks later when I get the mail, and there sits my national organization’s newspaper.

Before the kids were born, I always said I’d go back to work once the kids were in school.  I’d work in a school and be gone the same hours they would be gone, it would be easy!  There are two more years before Carson and Ella will be in school five days a week and I’m not really sure I even want to work as an SLP again.  I’m not really sure I want to work at a traditional job, away from home, having to take sick days and do laundry in the evenings.

I can’t decide if I should get those continuing education hours completed just in case.  What if I make the wrong decision and regret not maintaining my certification?   I would feel guilty for the potential waste of my hard-earned and expensive (thanks Mom and Dad!) Master’s Degree.

Last February I attended Blissdom in Nashville and left there completely inspired to start my own business.  I told everyone who would listen that I was starting a business.  As soon as I got home, I bought the domain name for my business, set up a twitter account, made lists, and spoke with a few contacts.   I started doing some research regarding business set-up, legal issues, and business accounting procedures.  Reality set in that my really great idea would take work, it would take money, and I became overwhelmed and scared.

I have done nothing to see my business come to fruition since those few weeks after Blissdom.  Voices of self-doubt have filled my head.  “You could never really do this, you know.  You have no business sense.  You’ll fail.”

I don’t know what it is that I want to do, other than I know that I want to do something with my future.  Even when my kids are in school, I’ll always be a mother and have those responsibilities to fulfill, but I know that I want to do more.   It’s just that knowing all the work that will go into getting those 30 hours to maintain my certification or starting my business has left me paralyzed and unable to even get started.

Blog Nosh Magazine is currently hosting a carnival, Celebrate the Heart and Art of Motherhood.  The carnival was inspired by the founder of Pepperidge Farm, Margaret Rudkin, who faced her son’s food allergies and started a business as a result.  I’ve read every post submitted and I’ve been inspired all over again that I really could start a business or maybe even think out of the box in terms of continuing as an SLP.   Maybe I could even overcome my fears enough and do something with my love of photography.  There are so many things that I could do, because like all the carnival writers, I’m creative and industrious, determined and bright.

I need your help and inspiration.  I hope you’ll consider writing your own post for Blog Nosh Magazine’s carnival and tell me what lit your fire and inspired you.  So many of you out there reading, I know that you’ve somehow managed to weave motherhood and work together, some of you have started businesses, donated your time.   I know you have done wonderful things.  Come on people, light my fire.  (Please excuse the cheesy Doors reference, I couldn’t resist.)

There are worms everywhere

I filled out a job application yesterday for my former school district here in Tennessee.

For some reason, with all that’s going on in my life, starting a job after THREE years at home with my children suddenly seems like a good idea.  I mean I have NOTHING ELSE going on right now AT ALL.

(Except for the fact that we just moved, we close on our house in one week, I have ZILLIONS of things to do for the closing, once moved in I’ll have to unpack my entire house in lightning speed to get ready for Christmas, CHRISTMAS HOLY CRAP IT’S IN A MONTH, A MONTH!, Christmas shopping, Christmas decorating, Christmas parties, Christmas baking, and finding childcare because I’m GOING BACK TO WORK.)

I feel a little like yakking in the bathroom.

Three months ago, I’d have never dreamed that I’d be sitting in my kitchen in TENNESSEE, filling out an application for a JOB.  Yet, here I am, filling out a job application, talking to my future boss on the phone about the schools that need a speech pathologist and the hours I’d work.

Originally, being a stay-at-home mom was something that I thought I’d do until the kids were in Kindergarten.  Eventually, I pushed the timing back to *maybe* junior high.  I’ve never even left my kids with a babysitter.  But the thing is, I really think I NEED this.

The universe is on my side (so far) on this, too.  Every time we’ve moved before, I’ve had to jump through about a gazillion hoops to get a teaching certificate.   I recently discovered that my Tennessee teaching certificate is still valid, so there are NO HOOPS.  Several of my former co-workers have emailed me and told me how desperately they are in need of Speech Pathologists.  Randomly at a birthday party last weekend, I ran into a special education preschool teacher who begged me to come back to work.  I was pulling my hair out in frustration trying to answer specific questions about the number of semester hours I’ve completed for the job application and realized that my mom works in Admissions at my former university and can get me all that information.

You have chills now, don’t you?  I KNOW!  It’s like I’m being guided by some unknown force into returning to work.

I really don’t think I have a choice.

But it doesn’t mean that opening this can of worms isn’t also opening an enormous ulcer.

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Today’s Reader Appreciation giveaway is yet another way the universe is telling me that it’s time to return to work. Well, sort of, if you think really, really, really hard about it.

Who’d like to win a brand new laptop messenger bag from Tom Bihn.com, exactly like the one below…

Photobucket

One lucky winner will win that laptop messenger bag!!  Tom Bihn has lots of great bags, messenger bags, laptop bags, backpacks, briefcases, to choose from!  I’m thinking that I’m going to NEED a new bag for work!

Tom Bihn

To enter, leave a comment on this post!!

Comments on this post will close at 7 AM, EST, November 22, 2008.

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