Before I tell you all the gory details included in the the April 2007 edition of Parents magazine, let me just say that I don’t have my head in the sand and I’m not a big follower of “ignorance is bliss.” It’s just that I don’t need to know every possible scenario in which harm could come to my child. I worry plenty as it is. Also, I canceled my subscription several months ago, but they keep sending me these damn horror magazines. I feel guilty not reading a magazine that’s sitting around and once I start reading, I JUST CAN’T STOP. I desperately want to look away, but I CAN’T.
Let’s just take a little tour of the magazine. Page 31, Sippy cup advice. I’m apparently going to rot every tooth out of my child’s head because I let him drink juice and milk out of a sippy cup. “Kids should start learning how to use a regular cup at 12 months.” Who the hell does this? Am I the only one who’s just willing to let those pearly whites rot so as not to have stains everywhere? Strike one against moi.
(Just a mere three pages later) Page 34, “My Son’s Hand Got Stuck in a Vacuum Cleaner.” Kids + vacuuming = Bad idea. Peanut’s almost favorite plaything is the vacuum. Strike two.
Same page…When to Toss It (as in leftovers). Let me just say that I’m a food safety nut. After reading the recommended life spans of several foods, I’m shocked that I haven’t sent my family to an early grave with botulism or Bubonic plague. Strike three.
Page 42, Myths related to safety. Holy shit. We can’t win. Danger lurks everywhere, even when we’re watching them, there’s no safety in numbers, they aren’t safer at home, helmets don’t really prevent injuries…blah, blah, freaking blah. Look, I KNOW how dangerous life is, again, I don’t need to know EVERY POSSIBLE WAY my child can (and most likely will) be harmed. Strike four.
Page 79, Best Family Cars. My Honda Pilot didn’t make the list so I’m sure it’s a death machine. And a gas hog. Strike five and six.
Page 96, Candy or Medicine? Sports drinks look like window cleaner and apple juice looks like air freshener. Luckily, I don’t store drinks with cleaners or toys in the medicine cabinet. No strikes against me here!!! Yay! I got one!!!
Page 118, Easter crafts. Only Martha F*cking Stewart would attempt these. Screw you, Parents Magazine. Who has time for these things!? Strike seven. Damn. And I was on a roll.
Alright, you get the picture. I’m not a big fan of Parents magazine. But, I’m an equal opportunity offender and I really despise ALL parenting magazines. They can all kiss my ass.