Every three months I get a visit from my trusty Bug Man. I look forward to his visits, as he keeps my home relatively roach and critter free. A roach and critter free home makes me happy.
Not only is he a master bug get-ridder-of-er, he is from my hometown of Springfield, MO. So every three months I have a slightly varied conversation about Cashew Chicken, Bass Pro Shops, or how he got a ticket on his way home for Thanksgiving in 1973 because he was driving his 1972 Javelin over 100 mph.
This past week he added a whole new subject to his regular repertoire of conversation. He offered me assvice about my new baby. Who knew the Bug Man was such an expert?! I am so honored to have received his wisdom. So f*cking honored.
Did you know that you shouldn’t pick up your new baby too much or you’ll spoil her? Yep, that’s right! When Reshel cries because she’s hungry or has a crap filled diaper, or God forbid, needs some affection, I guess I should just let her lie there.
I also learned this. Putting babies to sleep on their backs isn’t necessary. Generations of children survived being put to bed on their stomachs. He IS right. I survived, you all survived. I guess there’s no need to listen to the latest research because the Bug Man sayeth otherwise.
His final pearl of wisdom was that car seats are also not completely necessary. Sure they have saved thousands of children’s lives. But babies just hate them, so therefore, it should be a law that if the baby is crying, it’s okay to hold her while the car is in motion. I wonder if the law would state that I could hold her and drive at the same time? I wonder if he offered this advice to Britney Spears?
Oh how I love unsolicited advice. Especially useful advice such as the Bug Man’s. What’s the worst advice you’ve ever gotten? (Doesn’t have to be parenting related advice…)
Bug man sounds like he should stick to what he knows best…baby rearing.
Bug man sounds suspiciously like my mother in law… Means well, but oh so clueless!
Eeep. Please tell me this man doesn’t have kids of his own.
Sadly I saw someone yesterday who agrees with him on the carseat issue.
Sounds like earplugs would be a good investment for when the bug man comes
What an asshat. Just spray the bugs and leave the childrearing to us, k? Gesh.
I have been told before to let them “cry it out”….nothing pisses me off more!
Ok…the carseat is a new one for me. Hell…if that is the case let’s not vaccinate either because they hate them…oh and let’s let them play with the electical outlets too because they hate it when we tell them now…OH and let’s let them run into the busy street….
Anyway…
I think the worst advice I can recall is the crying out one. As I told someone a while back it is my duty and responsibility to to hold my infant if he is crying…if I didn’t want to deal with actually taking care of my child then I never should have had them. They are NOT independent beings yet and it is cruel (in MY opinion) to try to force by son to be.
However, if someone reading this is a crying it out advocate…if it worked for you…then that’s great. It just never worked for me.
Hey, my grandparents live in Springfield. They will not give you stupid assvice about your adorable baby, though.
We should introduce your bugman to my MIL, who told me that it is ok to wash newborn babies with dishsoap, because it is really mild.
I bet he thinks women should just birth them at home, and then get back to cooking his dinner.
bugman *bugs* me. I think he’s been sniffing too much roach spray.
I always liked the 70 degree days when old women told me to “get a hat on that baby!”
I also really liked it when total strangers would point at me and say, “you’re not old enough to have a baby!”
But your Bug Man’s assvice is better. Sheesh! Why is it that the minute you are visibly pregnant or holding an infant you suddenly become public property?
Funny!! Especially about the car seat. Hmm.
Was bug man an older gentleman? Those words sounds so shockingly familiar.
Don’t listen to the docs and your thoughts…trust the bug man!
Assvice – my new favorite word! I can’t wait to use it in a sentence. Oh, here goes: I won’t say this is the worst assvice but it is one that I can think of right now. A woman told me to tape a nickel to my sons herniated belly button to fix it. Surgery was definately not necessary even though if he stood sideways while he was naked he looked like he had a 2nd penis.
I strongly dislike the whole “turned out fine” argument. Hey, only a few dozen/hundred/thousand more people died when we did it the old way! Why go with new-fangled stuff that only saves a dozen/hundred/thousand lives?
Oh, advice. Let’s see. My MIL said not to let the cat near the baby. Because it would suck the baby’s breath away. Is she from the 1800s or what?
Assvice is a great word!
This isn’t really assvice, but I had a woman come up to me in the store when I was pregnant when I was buying a package of toilet paper (it was on sale) and she said, “pregnant women need way more toilet paper than that!” I still don’t know what that means!
Let’s hope bug man doesn’t write a book!
I got a written letter from my SIL with so much assvice in it I can not even begin to list all of it here! I love that word…assvice…it’s my new favorite! lol!!
Ok, this doesn’t really quality as assvice, more like general commentary that also pisses me off.
I love it when complete strangers in the grocery store tell me “You really should keep an eye on him” as Sweet Boy goes around collecting coupons from those automatic dispensers, plastic bags from the produce/meat sections, and a plastic tray or two from the salad bar. I try to limit this, but it’s just something he does (he actually uses a lot of this stuff to “make things” at home) and give this store A LOT of business. It’s not like he’s knocking down displays or stealing stuff. Mind your business, people!!
I still get crappy advice and mine are 6 and 5 – I guess it never stops.
Man, this guy beat me to it. I was going to send you an email crammed full of parenting advice (since I have no kids, it makes sense that I would, right??). As for the carseat issue, they can be so consticting. It makes MUCH more sense to throw your baby in a laundry basket and hope for the best while driving. (Please note that I’m kidding. It’s far too early in the week for hate mail.)
Ahh too funny, I too have been told that I spoiled my now 7 month old b/c I picked her up too much. She has/had colic and reflux…I guess people don’t mind a screaming baby b/c if I didn’t pick her up that is all they heard ?? maybe they were deaf ?
Hmm. Maybe he’s a bug killer and annoying advice giver because his mommy didn’t hold him enough when hew was a baby.
I don’t know if this is necessarily advise or just a smug comment that particularly grates on me, but it drives me up the wall whenever I am forced to tell someone that no, we don’t spank our daughter or smack her hand or anything like that, and no, we don’t plan on doing so, either. And they almost inevitably chuckle and say with great wisdom, “Just wait!” They have been saying this since I was PREGNANT!
She’ll probably be six years old and I will still get asked this question, and they will still laugh knowingly and say the same thing.
I was close to hospitalization while knocked up from dehydration from morning sickness, I had just gotten through with a round of IV’s and was filling out insurance papers at work when an old lady said “You’re still sick? What kind of crackers are you eating? Well, you’re eating the wrong kind of crackers, that’s why you’re still sick.”
*insert swear word here*
Worst advice? When my 2 month old son had 2 teeth and started biting me during nursing. I was told to take him off, or flick his cheek. He didn’t get the message.
Some kind checker at Menard’s told me that her daughter bit through her nipple and she needed stitches…but kept right on nursing. I was so horrified I bought the formula.
I think your husband needs bugman duty…you need a break!!
O.K. When my sixteen year old was three, my bugman told me to put him in the dog’s cage when he was “bad”. I thought he was kidding, but he assured me that he was not.
I called his superior and told him that I would never let this man in my house again. Further, I would change companies if they didn’t comply.
I never saw him again.
Uhhhhhh…
well, it’s true on all accounts (except for picking up the baby – why the hell would we want to listen to the crying, anyways?
But seriously, look at it this way – he could give you a whole new set of advice next time – think about it, she’ll be 3 months older! and you’ll have another blog post
Okay, My first born was 7 weeks premature. I was only 17. There is NOTHING anyone could post that I haven’t heard! Some of the comments that peeved me the most were regarding feeding. “You’re too young to breastfeed. You need to add some infant cereal to formula at night….since your milk won’t sustain him” That one was told to me on SO MANY occasions, it still gets to me. The poor little thing was only a few weeks old!
Ever notice how the biggest assvice givers are the ones with the worst behaved kids? Or better yet, don’t have them at all!
When my son was just over a year old he had a bad stomach bug, and we had to spend a night in the hospital with him while he was rehydrated. In the morning whatever pediatrician was making rounds chastised me for *GASP* nursing him. “You’ll spoil him, you should wean RIGHT AWAY.” Ummm…okay. DONE.
weird how a member of my family has relocated to your town without me even knowing it! i could have sworn s/he was still right here sharing ye olde assvice freely, with barely a prompt.
my favourite non-family member pearl of wisdom came from an old biddy who randomly wandered up to me outside the grocery store, one day when it was about -20 outside and i had the plastic (vented) cover over the baby’s stroller to keep the wind off his little bundled self. she took one glance at us and pronounced “that baby’s going to suffocate in there!” loudly and shrilly enough for half the parking lot to turn and stare. um. yeh. wait til you see his saran-wrap balaclava, lady.
i wanted to shake her.
Sounds like the bug man should stick to bug elimination.
The worst advice I got was not to hold my 2 day old infant when he fell asleep otherwise he would never learn to sleep on his own.
Yep. TWO days old.
Hahaha. Is the bug man by any chance my Mom in disguise?
Bug man sounds hawt. Show him how you feed your kids soda and cheetoes for breakfast you might just get something going with him.
Aaah, the best assvice was given to me by a Safeway checker as I was buying pull-ups for the twins a couple of years ago.
She told me I should throw water in my kids face to shock them in to potty training. After all it worked for her.
As much as you might think I’m making that story up I’m really not.
That poor woman’s child. I hate to see what sort of emotional problems she’ll wind up with as an adult as a result of her crazy ass mother.
I’m sure I got bad advice but I’ve blocked it out!! Just came by to say… TAG your it!!
Step OFF, Dr. Spock. The Bug Man is here now.
I was told by “someone” to give my newborn water with bayleave in it to settle his stomach. Everytime he cried this person thought he had an upset stomach. Argghhh!
Yes, the “we turned out all right” argument. Yes, we survived and are here to tell about it because…we survived. All the children who died are no longer in the equation. That’s like saying a drug is 100% effective for the people who respond to it.
Grr.
NerdRoom@WAKEUP.com
Many Nerds won’t be returning. Some old timers I remember from last year, people like Trenchcoat Mafia, Silk Dragon Shirt, probably won’t be coming back next year.
Spamming blogs I put their names up, immortalizing them, if only until the blog owner erases everything::::
1. Trenchcoat Mafia
2. Silk Dragon Shirt
3. The Distinguished English Gentleman
4. Beta Nerd, and of course
5. Rosie The Transsexual
Rosie’s original name was just Rosie, due to his rosie cheeks. They shared he has a high level of knowledge, a tactic the gods employ to create a false sense of security. This of course is the segment which they dump so many transsexuals into.
I too enjoy irony, and therefore Rosie has now become Rosie The Transsexual.
Who else has a nickname in the NerdRoom?
I’d like to remind you many of the people in the NerdRoom are good men. I hope this is reflected in what they are allowed to learn and the progress they’re allowed to make.
I’d also like to remind you their predecessors, REAL nerds from a generation ago who fill the computer swap meet, are WONDERFUL men, and since I likely won’t be going again I want to remember them as well.
Actually the comparison of the two is a testiment to the devolution of society, which will be used as justification for the Apocalypse:::
Today’s nerds are NOT wonderful men. They grew up with the internet and many consider pornography as an acceptable vice. They gamble freely, enjoy evil imagry in video games, and this issue is a microcosim of our deterioration.