I think that perhaps the baby blues have set in. Or maybe the sleep deprivation is catching up with me. I suppose it’s possible that the teething on Peanut’s part, the crying on Shel’s part, and my lack of dairy is causing me to feel…blah. I feel a bit paralyzed by everything. Little tasks overwhelm me.
We were in a minor fender bender Saturday morning (actually it was a fender scuffer) and I reacted poorly. Nobody was hurt, which is of course the most important thing. I was terribly rude to the poor girl, sixteen or seventeen years old, who bumped into us. I feel so terrible, I know I should call her home and check on her, but I don’t know what to say and how to tell her “I’m sorry I was such a jerk.”
This fender scuffer is adding to my very long “to call” list. There are insurance companies to call, estimates to set up, and planning to be done on how on Earth we’ll survive with just one car. Others on my “to call” list include my brother (whose left me message after message that I’ve yet to return), the cable company (our internet is up and down several times per day), several friends, and the Mother’s Day Out program where I’d like to enroll Peanut in the fall.
On Saturday afternoon, a photographer came to our home to take some family pictures and naked baby pictures of Shel. It was a very uncomfortable experience for me since I am so incredibly unhappy with my appearance right now. I know that I’m only 5 1/2 weeks postpartum, but I wish I looked…better. My body does not feel like my own. There is flab where I don’t usually have flab. I had to buy pants in a size I worked so hard several years ago to never be again. My hair is brown. It’s brown so that I don’t have to have my roots touched up. I’d much rather be blond again.
I had planned to do something for Tate for Father’s Day yesterday. Unfortunately Shel and Peanut were both having bad days, making it painfully obvious that going in public would be a mistake. It certainly was not my fault that it turned out to be a disappointing day, but I wish I could have fixed it so that we could have done something.
Looking around my house makes me want to hire a housekeeper to come in hourly. Eventhough I vacuum and dust twice a week, there is dog hair everywhere. Peanut has destroyed my unread magazine collection, leaving bits of paper strewn about. His cars, trains, animals, sippy cups, shoes, and socks are always underfoot. I’d clean them up, but why? He’ll just get everything out again within minutes.
Cooking dinner, making grocery lists, cleaning the bathrooms, and other seemingly easy tasks have become overwhelming. It would be nice to have a personal assistant to just take over. Really it would just be nice if someone would take care of me.
As much as I love blogging, it has begun to overwhelm me, too. Lately, I don’t like anything I’ve written. It’s like my brain is misfiring and I’ve lost some creativity. The Publish button has become a regret button, as I wish I could have done a better job on several posts. I find myself posting, even the crappy stuff, just so you all will talk to me. Also, I read other’s posts that cause me to have serious blog envy. I wish I could be so eloquent. It would be nice if I had something more to talk about than Shel and Peanut. However, they are my only experiences right now. I wouldn’t even be able to discuss current events right now since I haven’t watched anything but Noggin for weeks.
I’d leave the house more often, but it’s so hot that I feel like I can’t breathe. Getting two kids in the car, with all necessary drinks, snacks, and diapers, then finagling them both to our destination is just not worth the effort. Also, gas prices are so high and we live so far from anyone I know, that I can’t justify frequent outings.
I know that I need to just take it one day at a time. I know we all have days, even weeks (or more) that we are not ourselves. It’s just that I want myself back, in my body, the person who I am. Not this robot mommy that I feel like. Blah, blah, blah.