I Completely Underestimated the Need
First things first…our podcast had to be postponed. You can thank the Internet gods for this unexpected turn of events. We’re trying to reschedule for tonight at 8:30 CST, but are at the mercy of said Internet gods, so cross your fingers that She cooperates.
*******
I feel there is a need for clarification regarding my post yesterday. Tate came home from work with his boxers all in a bunch since he apparently read yesterday’s post. (Oh, I didn’t tell you? Yep, he’s reading now and he’s told just about everyone he knows about my blog including the in-laws, his co-workers, even his boss. I’m waving hello to everyone!!!) Anyhow, yesterday’s post certainly wasn’t about TATE! Oh goodness, no! He would NEVER do ANY of those silly things OTHER men do to get their wimmins in the mood. No way! NOT Tate. *ahem*
After reading all of yesterdays comments, I came to a sad realization. My idea for the women and sex tutorial was something that could be printed on something the size of an index card, or smaller so men could have it on hand in those intimate moments. I also thought the information could be printed on a brochure. These brochures could be placed around where men would likely pick them up, sporting goods stores, on the doors of the beer case at the convenience store, above urinals, or maybe auto parts stores. Unfortunately my idea for a brief tutorial completely underestimated mens’ needs in this area. Your comments yesterday made me realize that a 500-page how-to manual would be more appropriate.
In the event that you didn’t come back to read the comments (*gasp*), I thought I’d share with you some of my glaring omissions.
First, though, here is one that I completely forgot to add yesterday. I’ve only heard that some men do this, but NEVER TATE!
7) Don’t come home after having eaten some sort of bean and raw onion concoction from lunch, stinking out BOTH ENDS and expect a little somethin’ somethin’. It ain’t happening.
Now onto your ideas.
From Mamma…
1. Turning your head towards my face on your pillow and giving me “the eye.”
2. Poking me in the back with your friend.
3. Grabbing my boob as I’m rushing around trying to get dressed for work.
4. Trying to play with the breasts right after we have just nursed your child. GO AWAY! These have a different purpose right now, and we don’t want to spray you when they think the touch means it’s time to go to work again.
And not to leave you poor men hanging, here are some helpful hints.
1. Dinner–alone with just the two of us when you arrange the babysitter–that would be nice.
2. Compliments are appreciated. And not just on our ability to clean the house or make a dinner. Or give a good blow job.
3. Pretend we’re your girlfriend and you think we’re hot. It’s called fantasy play. You’ll be surprised how far it will get you.
From Beth…
Groping me in the kitchen when I’m trying to clean up, make bottles, and get lunch together for the next day does NOT count as foreplay.
From Sandy…
If we say, “Honey, let’s go to bed” and it is still early…don’t immediately say, “I’m not tired, I think I will stay up a while”. Get your butt up and got to bed or you will miss your treat. This is one of those times you always ask for…that we initiate. We can’t help it if you are too dense to notice it and spelling it out ruins the mood.
From Beckie…
After 10 years, I shouldn’t have to tell you the same ole stuff about what I do/don’t like!
From Smiling Mom…
Where you are rushing around the house cleaning and suddenly the breast is grabbed and the eye is given… very sexy.
Ahem.
From Mommy Daisy…
When “Aunt Flo” is visiting, do NOT tell me how horny you are. No amount of groping or kissing of the neck is going to get you some. When I’m having cramps, I DO NOT wish to help you out with a blow job. Thanks, but no thanks.
From Devan…
Groping does not equal foreplay.
Saying “wanna do it?” is not romantic.
Touching me ONLY when you have sex on the brain is pointless.
A week after baby is born, saying “You could just *do me*” is not going to win you any points. NONE at all!
From Super B’s Mom…
1) Slapping wife on the ass so hard that she whacks her head on the dryer when she’s bent over folding clothes does not…I repeat..DOES NOT turn her on.
2) Wife is not bikini-clad in the pool for your constant groping and fondling pleasure. Sometimes she just wants to get some sun….along with some friggin peace and quiet.
From Deb…
A victorias secret gift card would help!
From Canape…
Saying to me when you get home, “I was hoping to get me some later,” must be followed up with action (see #3). If it is not, don’t whine to me the next morning about how you didn’t get any.
From Slackermommy…
The biggest thing for me is for the hubs to take me out. Let me get dressed up and feel like we are dating. Staying over night at a hotel guarantees really raunchy sex. There’s no worries of kids catching us, dryer buzzer going off, phone ringing, etc.
From “The Dairy Wife”…
1) aaahh, taking my hand and putting it on your crotch doesn’t get it. I didn’t feel a thing!
2) shaking your *wanky* at me after you’ve been in the barn with the cows all morning doesn’t get it either. No Way! The cows smell better than you!
3) asking me if you can just *do it* and have a *freebie* while the kids are still in their cribs yelling, “wha-cha doing daddy?” “daddy-mommy” “up Mommy” just don’t get it either … we have triplets for god’s sake .. that’s three screaming kids on the other side of the door yelling “mommeeeee” at the top of their lungs … No Sir! No freebies!
******
Keep your ideas coming!!! You are doing a very important service for women across the land!!!!
These are so great. I’d like to add that if a man gets turned down, his sighing and acting like he NEVER GETS ANY will help to ensure that he doesn’t.
I totally agree with everyone.
You have my deepest sympathies that Tate is now reading. Although I do enjoy the compliments Jason gives me about my posts now that he is reading too, it does sort of freak me out. It’s not like I used to bitch about him a lot or anything, but now this pretty much bars him (and the in-laws) from being mentioned.
Since most of my family reads my blog now, I’ve contemplated starting an anonymous one to write about them. Sometimes there are things I would love to write, but can’t because they will see it.
Here’s one for you….Just because I am walking by him naked after getting out of the shower does not mean an instant grab session!!!!!! I hate that, obviously I am trying to get ready for work or going somewhere, I don’t have time for that! After reading everyone’s comments I can so relate. At least I am not the only one who feels this way! LOL! Your post yesturday and today had me laughing so hard! Keep up the good work!
I’m with Andi on this. My husband has been reading for a couple of months now (he got his boxers in a bunch when I wrote about Male Patterned PMS). I found out my mom reads it just before my surgery and then just this weekend found out my sister reads it. I feel for you. And, of course, we ALL know there is NO way you could have been talking about Tate in your previous post.
Knowing we only have five minutes in the shower, and feeling like sex is requisite, just makes my head ache. That and the kids banging on the door yelling, “Mommy! I have to go pee!” just doesn’t do it for me.
I’d much rather just have some no-pressure make-out than feel like sex is a required end product of the smooching…. stolen kisses, a whisper, secret moments - that does count as foreplay. For me it’s all about the anticipation.
Showering together can be romantic. However, if you join me while I’m in the shower, don’t hog all the water so I’m freezing in the corner. How about soaping me off instead of only soaping you?
By the time you all finish collaborating on this never-ending list, it would have been much easier to have made a list of what TO DO - rather than what NOT to do.
Somehow I missed the first post, and therefore the comments too. HAHAHAHA. THis is killing me. I’m seriously thinking of printing this out and handing it to my sweety, as they ALL APPLY! *ahem*
Lol! So embarrassing!
Clearly you’re onto something here, but why stop at Foreplay101? You could offer classes on laundry folding, diaper changing, car pooling, or toilet cleaning101. Just think of the possibilities!
Ya, sucks to have the husband read sometimes… my Hubby told his cop friend about my blog. COP FRIEND. They are a bunch of Ego Hungry, Teasing Endlessly, type of guys. But I though, “Oh well.” a few days later I posted about how sick I was of hearing how my daughter was always happy for others, but not for me.
Hubby read it and got very serious and told me how much I embarrassed him and how his friends read. and, “If i’m going to take that tone in my blog, then maybe he shouldn’t be passing out my info.” I told him that he was right, maybe he shouldn’t tell anyone about it…
ya, I relate to the Hubby censor button.