Yesterday was the first day of the fall session of storytime at the library. Since I’m not feeling overly confident right now about my appearance, I worried about what to wear, fretted over my hair, and actually put on make-up. Nothing in my closet looks good on me anymore, I’m still wearing some maternity clothes. I also felt really anxious about making conversation with the other Moms, since I’ve yet to make one friend since beginning storytime a year ago. I was hoping that it would be different this time.
I’ve read several posts lately about different kinds of Moms and making friends with other women. Before Carson was born, I naively assumed that he’d be my ticket to easy, ready-made friendships. I dreamed of going to the park, meeting other friendly Moms who were just like me, commiserating over our Starbucks grande mochaccinos, easily making conversation and having loads to talk about since we’d have so much in common.
This, obviously, has not been the case. And I don’t really know why I’m surprised. And I wish wasn’t always disappointing myself.
Yesterday’s foray into the world of Gap Moms, Alpha Moms, a sprinkling of crunchy mamas, and several women who made it very clear they were uninterested in having a conversation with anyone left me feeling rejected and disappointed yet again. I immediately realized that my much fretted about outfit was completely wrong. Most of the other Moms were in their color-coordinated work-out gear with ponytails and sun-visors. My children weren’t even dressed correctly since I refuse to allow Carson to wear jon-jons and Ella wasn’t wearing a smocked and monogrammed dress.
My conversation attempts were just that, attempts. Most of the other Moms seemed to know one another (presumably they work out together?). I asked people how their summers had been, only to get one word responses, “fine,” they’d say. The other Moms easily made conversation with one another, telling each other how Mary Claire and Riffington had a wonderful time at Helen Brannon’s birthday party. And how little Mary Elizabeth and Margaret Ames* had had the best time playing together at the park.
I felt sad and jealous that Carson and I have never been included in any of these birthday parties or playdates.
I don’t really know where I fit in with these women. Honestly, I kind of wish I was more of a Gap Mom or Alpha Mom. I want to look put together or look like I’ve been working out. I want my kids to look the part, too, with the “right” clothes. I drive the SUV, I live in the brick house. I wonder, does my husband not make enough money? Is it because I’m a “Yankee?”
I don’t feel like I’ll ever fit in with these women. What I really want is for these Moms to want to know me.
I’m tired of always being at the edge of other’s conversations, smiling and nodding like a fool, but never having anything to add. I’m tired of making the effort to be friendly and my attempts never reciprocated.
Why is making friends still so difficult? Where do I fit in?
*I changed the names of the children in storytime, however they are based on real names. It’s very common in the Deep South for little girls to be called by their first and middle names.
Wow, high school never ends, huh?
I have no idea what jonjons are. But it’s hard to make new friends whether you have kids or not. And the more you want it, the less likely it is.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that. How awful. I understand though. I do. It’s a universal thing. When we first moved into the boonies of NSW, we were told in no uncertain terms that you are NOT considered local until you have lived in the community for ten years! No one wanted to know us because we were from the city. We were even told off by the school principal because we were double income earners and threw the funding for the school!
I don’t think I will ever fit in around here, even though, some days I long to be included in the groups of women.
Hugs to you. The only ones losing out are those snobby women who think they’re too good to get to know you.
Wow. It’s like I’m reading my own thoughts. Are you soemhow inside my head. I feel the same way…not really belonging to any group. I have casual aquaintances but no real connections. Why does it have to be so hard?!?!?
umm I had to google the Jon-jons lol I had no idea what they were!! In my world you make friends fast becasue you don’t have a lot of time.. I pack up and move every 2-3 years.. Here there seems to be a lot of competition among the wives, what rank who’s husband is, and if your kids have the latests Abercrombie & Fitch clothes. I try and not allow it to bother me..It is not always easy!!
http://thirdculturekidsrmine.blogspot.com/
oh yes, i know the type of woman you describe. i’ve got several right here in my neighborhood sporting matching boob jobs.
i’ve found that in social situations i’m the one that won’t shut up. i just pretend that i know everyone already. i compliment them on their children, ask where they shop, or just ask them questions about themselves that i think they’ll be flattered by. that makes me sound like a snake doesn’t it?
but i do know that fretful feeling of *what do i wear???* i was freaking out on wednesday because i went to a lunch for a great friend but i knew of some of the other women that would be there… and i just KNOW they don’t like me… blech. it turned out better than i thought, but still didn’t take away from the pre-party freak out.
i’m jenica by the way, one of your occassional readers. ;-D
omg, I feel for you. I think it’s because you’re in the South?? maybe? I don’t know – I live in Canada! haha and in an area where the people are mainly from India – yeah – at least the people you know speak English! haha it’s a joke!! (I am Indian as well, I just only know English)
I feel left out all the time too, what can we do?!
Don’t fret! I’ve lived in the land of Jon Jon’s my entire life. I see these women everyday that I drop off Tooty at school. Don’t worry, there are plenty of “us” around that look at these women with a “Wha?” on our face.
Hang in there – just look for the other people who stare in confusion. I swear there are normal people in the old state of Alabama!
I live in the way-up-north and it’s the same way here. The few times we’ve gone to story time, it’s the same thing. Exactly. It’s not you – it’s the same shit that they did in high school, only now with better clothes. I make my own story time for my kids, and the hell with the snobs.
Matching hairties, workout clothes and sunvisors? Are you sure you do not live in Stepford?
Don’t sweat it honey they do not know what a great person they are missing.
From the opposite corner of the state, I’d totally be your Storytime friend and Starbucks friend and happy hour friend and back porch wearing-pjs-hair-in-ponytail-because-its-dirty friend.
I’m in the same boat. I hate my clothes. I’m such a nerd in them. I don’t like workout clothes. I like jeans. I hate most of the styles in the stores now. I hate sunvisors.
I also don’t know exactly what it takes to make new friends or break into the cliques. And I’ve lived here most of my life (or very near here, this is technically a new group of people for me to meet within my area.)
ps – The Mighty Hunter won’t let me dress Lucky in jon-jons. He calls them sissy-fied.
As my husband said yesterday, I’m “Old Christine”. It is nice(?) to know I’m not the only one. Good post and good comments!
I have been a mom for almost five years and I feel that only within the last year have I made a true connection with some other mommies. And now we’re talking of moving. I don’t want to. It takes too long to make friends and feel comfortable with one another. I feel your pain. I wish you the best of luck. Does your area have a MOMS Club? ECFE? These are great places to start.
I'm not an Alpha-Gap-Crunchy Mama either
Yeah, I remember the early months. I went a new moms support group and was in a funk b/c I didn't feel like I fit in, and another moms group I was in (met at the hopsital where we gave birth) just fizzled away, we never really bonded. But I am glad to say that there were a few moms who I felt a connection with and about one year after we attended the group but lost touch, we re-connected. We don't see each other much, but when we do, it's really nice.
My advice is… try something else! Local parks or playgrounds, take a mom & sibling & baby class.
Go online and search for family-friendly activities/classes in your area. Does your town (or region) have a family network? It's like a social-service agency that offers support and playgroups for families with young kids.
My daughter is 3 1/2 yo, and it was only last year that I had room in my brain to think about my sense of style; I am slowly getting that back. I am really into wearing mini-dresses w/ funky patterns over dark, boot cut denim jeans- love it!
Hang in there, and see you around MM!
i can't tell you how many times i've blogged about this very issue, and how i feel about it. it's like walking into junior high for the first time all over again. and that's deja vu i'd rather skip!
I cannot stand those types at our library story time and always avoid them because doing so, I have had a few come up to me and start talking to me. I was polite, but cut the conversation short. (Thinking…huh, doesn't your own actions make you feel great, you fake gucci girl with your head up your butt). We are out of High School, get over yourself! You are not all that! They have their own issues. We live in a small town, I call it Mayberry and I'm married to Barney, everyone knows everyone's business…
I hear ya. I get it totally! I moved here and really just wanted to click with the other moms because well, why not? we are all there in the same sitch. I really wanted them to engage with me to at the very least, ask me a damn question! I too, have friends, just a phone call away but it’s just in us to want to feel comfy in a group. After a year though, I’ve found my one or two, and get along with the others but quite frankly I’ve realized, they don’t have much to say……. That’s why I come to your blog and gobble it up, girl!!
Did I write this post?? It SO could have been me. Although I don’t know what jon-jons are.
so crunchy mamas may not be your cuppa tea – but they do tend to rock, and be more open than the rest of the herds. I’d be considered fairly crunchy, but I have friends who live in the burbs, wear lululemon, love to shop and even *gasp* eat meat.
Give the granola mamas a chance – you might be surprised… you might also be shocked at how unbelievably comfy and cute those clothes can be!!
That said, I can feel you – I moved to a new part of town in April and haven’t made a real friend since. I’d love to just keep hanging out with my old tribe, but the commute is a bit much.
I always figured that after I got married my days of trying to pick up or be picked up were over – how is it no one warns us of the fierce and sometimes emotionally devastating play-dating scene??
Right there with you, i try parenting groups and never seem to fit in well. For me its an age thing i think , i don’t tend to fit in with those my age (to intersted in partying) and those older think im to young. Its not nice when people judge without getting to know you first
Oh dear..that sucks. I think that finding a group with common interests is a start. I have been that mom that felt awkward as well. Who wants to be a Gap mom anyway-their clothes suck..just sayin’. Much love!
I so, so know what you mean.
Thanks for posting this.
It is hard to make mom friends. I’ve noticed this too. I’ve tried to chat with moms at the playground, but I clearly don’t fit in, either because I’m not dressed right or because we don’t have enough money.
And anytime I do find someone who looks friendly, she turns out to be a nanny. Ugh.
First, to thine own self be true.
From the comments that have been posted you can see this is a problem that’s universal, but it may be worse in small towns in general and in small southern towns in particular. But no matter where it is, trying to join a clannish clique from the outside is as difficult as putting toothpaste back in the tube. It’s a fruitless endeavor. And, as others have remarked, you wouldn’t want to associate with a bunch of snobs anyway.
There are probably, even in your small town, at least a few others who are in the same situation you’re in, so when you’re out in public you might keep your eyes open for some other lady who seems to be left out and who would jump at the chance to find a friend in you. Anyone who has moved into the area from elsewhere could fit that description. If you see someone moving in, be one of the first to meet, greet, and welcome them.
Meanwhile, just be thankful for the blessings that you have in your family and your extended family of inernet frieneds of whom you seem to have many. ?
That question mark at the end of my comment was intended to be a smiley face.
Oh, I know EXACTLY how you feel – and I grew up around here. I joined a Meetup, but I still don’t feel like I fit in. Or, more to the point, where are the people I want to fit in with (besides the ones back in Kansas City)? It seems like none of the mommy books mention how hard this part is.
I think they’re skeeeered of you!
Ok, for the record, both of my boys have worn jon jons (up to age 3 and only to church or for pictures), my girls have some monogrammed smocked dressed that my mom made and I LURVE. I am only a double name caller when they are trouble though. You would probably think I would fall into the same category as those chicks, but really, I don’t. I’m just a penny pinching, sarcastic, fun loving momma. I get the same looks from “them” and simply don’t bother anymore. Most of my friends are scattered and I don’t have a “core group”. Some from the neighborhood, some from church, some from random outings at McDonald’s. It takes a while to find mommy friends that you click with. It’s just like when you are looking for couple friends and you love the wife, but hate the husband.
I do think it’s worse in your neck of the woods. I’m in the burbs of Atlanta, so there are LOTS of transplants here. Did you TELL them you are a yankee, cause that probably didn’t help?
Only kidding.
I wish we lived close to each other. We could totally go to storytime and just chat with each other and posture to the other moms that WE’RE the cool ones, and THEY should BE so lucky to talk to US. heheheh.
Sending you *hugs*
I still consider you to be a very dear friend and wish we could take our kiddos to storytime here in Tulsa together. However, Tanner refuses to sit still for this event so we don’t go anymore. A playdate at the park would be great, though. Just know that you & the kids would fit in great here with suburban Tulsa SAHM’s … no stuck-up kids’ clothing required. Ashley
Having to make new friends at my age? Isn’t there a law against that? There should be, some kind of Mother-Protection Act.
Harrumph.
Been thinking about this myself — as I strike up conversations with people in my various prenatal classes (swimming, zen birthing — yes, I know, OH PUHLEAZE, but I live in the Bay Area, and basically, if you can sprinkle Buddhism on it, there’s a class scheduled somewhere).
I think really good friends are like husbands — it takes a lot of time, effort, energy to A) find one, and B) train them. Okay, kidding a bit about the training.
Anyway, I’m just babbling on. Loved your description of the weird weird world you ended up in. Pretty hilarious, if not terribly fun to live through.
I think wanting them to want to know you is right up there as far as big hurts go. I can tell you that for me, on the occasions that they’ve acted like they wanted to know me, it’s still felt false. Sigh. Guess I’m no help. Good luck and you keep him out of those jon-jon things!
Well, 82 people have commented, so I guess there’s not much else to say. I think you have to be patient, and be lucky. You have to go to places where the luck might happen. You have to realise that although it looks like everyone else is in the in-crowd, in fact they are probably feeling just like you. As soon as you are in a conversation with another person, the new person walking through the door thinks “why can’t I make friends and be like her?” She can’t read how you’re feeling on the inside.
Even just one or two kindred spirits make a huge difference, and you never know which corner they are waiting around. Or sometimes just plugging away with someone you never think of as a kindred spirit turns them over time into a good friend.
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