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Happy Halloween! Let’s Talk About Poo
When I was pregnant with Carson, I signed up to receive email updates of the baby’s development from BabyCenter. “Your baby is the size of a kumquat and weighs 3 grams! Only 9 gazillion days to go!” “Your baby should be able to recite the Ides of March by today. Your baby responds to music now and can dance a jig on your bladder!”
Once he was born, I continued to receive updates about what developmental milestones he should be reaching. “Your 3 month old should be rolling over and completing basic calculus now!” “At 14 months, your child is probably speaking in complex sentences, paragraphs really, and able to cook a souffle with little assistance in the kitchen!”
Carson has been two years old for all of three days and BabyCenter has proclaimed it’s time to start potty training.
This is straight from the email:
“Happy birthday to your 2-year-old! Many 2-year-olds — girls especially — are ready to start potty training. If your child can pull her pants up and down, follow simple instructions, stay dry for three or four hours (a sign that her bladder muscles are developed enough to hold urine), and dislikes being in a dirty diaper, bring out the potty seat. If she’s not ready, back off and try again in a month or two.”
Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!
Carson is so not ready. SO not ready. Sure he can pull down his pants, but only when he up and decides, “hey, I think wearing only diaper would be more convenient as I lay on the floor and play with Thomas and Henry!” Staying dry? Um, no. Dislikes being in a dirty diaper? Haaa! Ha! Ha! Ha ha! Haaaaa! Yeah, uh, no. In fact, he is perfectly content sitting in his own filth for as long as it takes me to notice the stench. Even when he is clearly in the midst of going poop, he will deny that he is pooping with a furrowed brown accompanied by emphatic “NOOOOO!’s”.
I could write an entire post detailing the alligator wrasslin’ I go through just to change his diaper. I’ve become adept at wiping his bucking butt while getting very little poop on my hands. They should offer f*cking gold medals in Carson Diaper Changing. I’d totally get to stand on the platform and hear the national anthem.
Being completely unready for potty training does not have me worried, however. Scared to begin potty training, yes. Scared that Carson is clearly not ready, no. Am I just being naive? It seems to me that he’s only just turned two, and I thought you just wanted kids potty trained by around three. Is that even right? And when we do start potty training, I don’t even know where to begin.
I need an online “tootorial” to help me in the potty training department.
That was the worst joke ever.
My apologies.
Please enjoy this picture of Carson making some movie magic (a term Tate coined to describe pooping.) It’s not my best photography work, but it makes me giggle anyhow.
[picture removed]
*****
PS. I’ve started deleting pictures of my kids from old posts. I’ve been getting lots of images.google searches that are starting to freak me out. I also signed up for photrade dot com so that I could get a watermark on the pictures to make them harder to steal. I hate that the watermark says something about purchasing the pictures, since they really aren’t for sale. It would be creepy if someone wanted to buy one.
PSS. Happy Halloween! Carson is supposed to be Blue from Blue’s Clues, but he RE. Fuse. Es. to put on the costume. So I guess he’ll be a baseball player instead. Ella is going to be a pumpkin! A chubby, adorable, nummy nummy pumpkin. Pictures tomorrow fo’ sho’.
PSSS. Today is also my Mom’s birthday! Happy birthday, MOM!! Wish I could take you to lunch!
PSSSS. Also! (I’m almost done, swear to God, cross my heart) Eight years ago today, Tate and I became engaged! More on our fairytale romance (or hook-up really, not much romance. Sigh) during the month of November when I have to post every facking day for NaBloPoMo.
