You know those cheesy gifts you get people when they turn 40 (or 50, or 60…) that say stuff like “over the hill?”
Sure you do.
(On an aside, my 40th birthday is coming up in a little over 7 years, you may want to be begin party planning now to assure a prime location for all attendees. Sushi would be an excellent choice for the party menu. As for gifts, no cheesy coffee cups for me, thank you, but I’d adore a convertible.)
My in-laws have a coffee cup that says:
Life begins at 40.
And so does cosmetic surgery, bladder trouble, high fiber diets, liver spots, hair replacement treatment, sitz baths, eczema and senility.
With the exception of liver spots, how is this any different than what happens after you become a mother?
Cosmetic surgery? F*ck yeah I need it. My boobs will be to my ankles after breastfeeding Carson and now Ella. My stomach will never be flat again without surgical intervention. There are a few other things I could think of that need work, but in the interest of not disgusting you all, I’ll stop there.
Bladder trouble? Sneezing, coughing, laughing…all make me pee in my pants. Just a little.
High fiber diets? Not that I know anything about hemorrhoids, but I hear that high fiber diets are excellent in helping with this little (or enormous) gift of motherhood.
Hair replacement treatment? You know, from pulling it out in frustration over sleep issues, toddlers using poop for fingerpainting, and other “joys” of motherhood.
Sitz Baths? See high fiber diets. Also a definite must after childbirth.
Eczema? Am I the only one with weird skin issues after having a baby?
Senility? Pregnancy brain, coupled with the remainder of my brain leaking out of my boobs at each feeding, has made conversations with me sound like, “Can you get me that thing? The one over there in that thing? What? I’m supposed to be where right now? Shit.”
See? Motherhood. It’s the new 40.
I feel like I’ve aged considerably since my son was born!
Yes, weird skin issues here too. My skin is always so dry, yet I’m constantly sweating… What gives!
I’m with you on the cheesy coffee mugs (and the sushi, mmm mmm mmm).
We should put that – Motherhood is the new 40 – on a cheesy mug.
This post was hilarious, by the way.
Hilarious! Yep…issues all around. I don't need to see 40 to experience all this fun…it only took one tiny little human to bring it on! LOL~
Truly, my brain is mush. The other day, I thought I had put frozen meatloaf in the oven and proceeded to make fixins to go with it…some pasta, and peas…only to find out I had actually baked frozen lasagna. So, we had lasagna AND pasta for dinner. Nice.
Given how incredibly dumb I’ve become in the first half of pregnancy #2 I’m afraid to see what a complete ditz I’ll be by the time this baby is born.
Also pregnancy #1 brought out all kinds of allergies to all kinds of medicines. Lovely.
God, you’re brilliant.
I’ve become the, “Oh, Crap, I Lost A Word Again!” girl. INFURIATING.
And my boobs? Look like socks with oranges in them.
*cries*
It’s true, as everyone says. You are brilliant!
I miss my pre-kid perky boobs most of all. I didn’t appreciate them nearly enough and now they are gone forever. Sniff sniff
I'm with YOU!!!!
Yes. Absolutely. All true.
But see, I had my first and only kid AFTER 40. So, I’m confused about which problem was caused by what.
*puts hand up*
What is that with the saggy boobs, tuckable into nanna undies? I can’t say that I was ever perky but my navel isn’t thanking me for it’s two new friends! hail the support bra.
Also, can relate to mushy mummy brain. I find the word “whatsamajigga” encompasses all things. When partners have wives that become mothers, they need to learn the art of ESP.
Yes, how come I lose brain cells through my boobs. I know they are going for a good cause, but still! No fair.
Motherhood makes us all feel old, even when we aren’t.
totally….heaven help those women who begin both motherhood and their 40s at the same time. Can you imagine?
It’s my new mantra. Whatever ails? Blame it on motherhood. Way to go J! My boobs? In addition to those nasty lines (veins??) now drawn across my boobs from breastfeeding they hang down to my knees.
I definitely have the mommy brain. I keep putting stuff up in “really great” places, and then forgetting where the really great place is. Luckily my husband seems to be figuring how my mind sometimes works. He finds most of the stuff I lose.
Another fun perk of motherhood is my back pain. I grunt and groan every time I get up and I walk around holding my lower back.
Love your blog!
The day I trip over something and realize I stepped on my own boob is definitely the day I wean the little bugger. He’s 18 mos now and practically rips my shirt off to nurse. Then his 11 teeth latch on and I wonder what I did to deserve this. This amazing little person.
you slay me.
So true. I love the part about “[your] brain leaking out of [your] boobs at each feeding.” I get that completely! Thanks for sharing and making the rest of us feel a little more normal.
So true. And you can’t forget all of the aches and pains in your joints now, thanks to your body shifting out of alignment for pregnancy, then trying to come back together while you have to contort yourself with a newborn. It never goes back to the way it was.
So true! Seems like that’s one place nature messed up. Shouldn’t we be healthier and SMARTER once we have kids? We have lives in our hands now. I’m constantly checking my rearview mirror to make sure I managed to get both kids into the car & strapped in their seats. I’m waiting for the day I have to call Target because I forgot my BABY in the cart. :0)
You hit the nail on the head. Motherhood tore my body up! I do have to add that while liver spots may not be part of pregnancy, I have some wonderful hyper pigmentation that came about with my pregnancies and have yet to disappear.
Plastic surgery center here I come!
oh yes dearie. i had my first baby when i was 19, so imagine my dismay when i saw (the then popular and not bald) britney spears (who is my same age!) shaking her bootie.
yes, my boobs were considerably larger than before. and i did eventually lose all of my weight… HOWEVER, everything had re-shifted. my gut will never be belly-button-model flat. my hair is falling out by the handfuls. and yes, yes, yes on all symptoms below the belt.
my eczema got so bad after my third child that hives merged into massive welts across my fingers. it was so bad that if i even made a fist, my welts would all explode and weep. as if mama’s don’t have enough to cry about. boo hoo!
Afuckingmen. This gray hair? Only since having kids. These love handles? Worse. Stretch marks, etc. yea. I’m there withya. (you know this already)
Love it!!! You are so dang cute!
It’s the pants peeing that bothers me the most.
So I’m not the only one! I need a mug that says “C.R.S.” Can’t Remember Sh*t!!! And I have more zits now than as a teenager. Boobs, what boobs? Flat stomach, I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have to suck my gut in to snap my pants!! And I am getting close to 40.
That’s why I had my breast reduction AFTER the baby.
)
I learned that my bladder was apparently doing better when I was in the bathroom *alone* (gasp! the luxury!) and I heard Alex make a sound. I jumped up and out of the bathroom and when I realized I *hadn’t * pi$$ed all over my feet, i was like, huh? that’s new.
Oh my you’ve nailed it. I turned 40 this year while on maternity leave with number three. It actually is worse. I posted about it (post title: 40 Is The New Crazy) but I don’t know how to put a live link in here.
Just wait…7 years is a long time.
[...] I’m hoping that I’ll at least get one complete surprise, even if it’s a cheesy coffee cup. [...]
I got THE WORST eczema on my hands during pregnancy. Now it persists. Boo!!
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