You know those cheesy gifts you get people when they turn 40 (or 50, or 60…) that say stuff like “over the hill?”
Sure you do.
(On an aside, my 40th birthday is coming up in a little over 7 years, you may want to be begin party planning now to assure a prime location for all attendees. Sushi would be an excellent choice for the party menu. As for gifts, no cheesy coffee cups for me, thank you, but I’d adore a convertible.)
My in-laws have a coffee cup that says:
Life begins at 40.
And so does cosmetic surgery, bladder trouble, high fiber diets, liver spots, hair replacement treatment, sitz baths, eczema and senility.
With the exception of liver spots, how is this any different than what happens after you become a mother?
Cosmetic surgery? F*ck yeah I need it. My boobs will be to my ankles after breastfeeding Carson and now Ella. My stomach will never be flat again without surgical intervention. There are a few other things I could think of that need work, but in the interest of not disgusting you all, I’ll stop there.
Bladder trouble? Sneezing, coughing, laughing…all make me pee in my pants. Just a little.
High fiber diets? Not that I know anything about hemorrhoids, but I hear that high fiber diets are excellent in helping with this little (or enormous) gift of motherhood.
Hair replacement treatment? You know, from pulling it out in frustration over sleep issues, toddlers using poop for fingerpainting, and other “joys” of motherhood.
Sitz Baths? See high fiber diets. Also a definite must after childbirth.
Eczema? Am I the only one with weird skin issues after having a baby?
Senility? Pregnancy brain, coupled with the remainder of my brain leaking out of my boobs at each feeding, has made conversations with me sound like, “Can you get me that thing? The one over there in that thing? What? I’m supposed to be where right now? Shit.”
See? Motherhood. It’s the new 40.