Uh, hi! Me, again, talking about movies! Playgroups are No Place for Children where it’s all movies all the time!
It’s not a blog. It’s HBO.
So I made the huge mistake of showing Carson The Polar Express this weekend and we therefore ended up watching it 37.5 times as a result. (In all actuality it was only four times, but who’s counting? Oh wait. I’m counting.) “Watch black steam engine? Watch black steam engine? Watch black steam engine?” Shoot me.
In our discussion the other day of Christmas movies, I noticed that none of you mentioned The Polar Express. I suspect that this is because it is a creepy-ass movie. Am I right? While I do think it’s a cute story, there are a lot of things about the movie that are just….ick. Let’s analyze, shall we? I’ve compiled my thoughts in handy outline form for easy studying.
I. The animation
A. The character’s teeth.
1. Bluish (Does anyone have naturally bluish teeth or am I missing something?)
2. At one point the little girl’s teeth look as if they aren’t even a part of her mouth, like they’re dentures.
B. The character’s awkward movements
1. They look really scary
II. The old-timey Christmas music
A. Sounds like something out of a horror flick, not something suitable for a kids movie
B. The part where the kid finally hears the bell, a demonic version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town is playing.
III. The weird hobo guy on the top of the train
A. What the f*ck?
B. Who was he and why the hell did this character even exist?
IV. The conductor
A. He’s sort of mean and intimidating.
B. Luckily softens and becomes slightly more likeable as the movie goes on.
V. The train ride
A. Like a roller coaster
B. Only not fun AT ALL.
VI. The elves
A. One of them looks like Steven Tyler from Aerosmith.
1. This is not at all how I picture elves.
B. They have creepy voices and seem shady
1. One of them says, “Trust me,” and all I can think is that this elf’s name must be Chester Molester.
Feel free to use my notes.
Pop quiz this week.
Anglophile Football Fanatic
December 10, 2007 at 9:02 pm
I haven’t ever seen it, and now, don’t want to. Steven Tyler as an elf? WHA??? That’s freaky.
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..FM #14: These are a few of my favorite things…
Sarcastic Mom
December 10, 2007 at 9:37 pm
I haven’t seen it.
Sarcastic Mom’s last blog post..You can slap me around if you want to.
Maggie
December 10, 2007 at 11:20 pm
I haven’t seen this either – but your notes are more than sufficient reason for me to stay far, far away from it!
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Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You
December 11, 2007 at 2:02 pm
yeah, that dude on top of the train was totally out of the chester molestor guide book for how to get kids alone.
I, on the other hand, watched it only to spot all the Tom Hanks incarnations I could find LOL
Andria
December 11, 2007 at 2:30 pm
Did you notice that man on the train was actually under the train hanging out in a hammock when the kid was searching for the bell?
It goes by so quickly, we had to pause it to see it. Thank you tivo.
I hold it responsible for my son’s questioning of Santa this year because of all their talking about there not being one at the beginning and that weird little kid in the nightgowndidnt’ help things either.
Mrs. Mustard
December 11, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Gotta say I never saw that movie. i thought it looked dumb. Nuf said.
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Stimey
December 11, 2007 at 11:07 pm
Hmmm. I was going to rent this for my kids this weekend. I’ve never seen it. Now I’m prepared for either terrified shrieking or multiple viewings. Neither one sounds awesome.
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Laura McIntyre
December 12, 2007 at 4:46 am
I so agree, thought the movie was just plain creepy
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Swistle
December 12, 2007 at 7:08 am
I agree. The animation is simultaneously too real and not real enough. CREEPY.
Swistle’s last blog post..Steal, Lose, Deal
Swistle
December 12, 2007 at 7:09 am
Hey this “last post” thing is amazing and cool and I’ve never seen it before!
Swistle’s last blog post..Steal, Lose, Deal
sheena
December 12, 2007 at 2:18 pm
Oh my goodness! you are too funny! Especially that last part (of chester the molester )because my husband said the same thing! I think I found my hubby’s twin! you are great!
sheena’s last blog post..Inside her mind…
manda
December 13, 2007 at 4:46 pm
I watched part of Polar Express with my daughter last night. But it was creepier than shit!
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Jon, Tate, and Jennifer Plus 8 | Playgroups are No Place For Children
March 25, 2008 at 3:51 am
[...] have so much I’d like to say about this show. Since it’s been some time since I compiled my thoughts in handy outline form, I thought I do that for you [...]
Helen
November 30, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Definately creepy…the elves look like little demons..