Uh, hi! Me, again, talking about movies! Playgroups are No Place for Children where it’s all movies all the time!
It’s not a blog. It’s HBO.
So I made the huge mistake of showing Carson The Polar Express this weekend and we therefore ended up watching it 37.5 times as a result. (In all actuality it was only four times, but who’s counting? Oh wait. I’m counting.) “Watch black steam engine? Watch black steam engine? Watch black steam engine?” Shoot me.
In our discussion the other day of Christmas movies, I noticed that none of you mentioned The Polar Express. I suspect that this is because it is a creepy-ass movie. Am I right? While I do think it’s a cute story, there are a lot of things about the movie that are just….ick. Let’s analyze, shall we? I’ve compiled my thoughts in handy outline form for easy studying.
I. The animation
A. The character’s teeth.
1. Bluish (Does anyone have naturally bluish teeth or am I missing something?)
2. At one point the little girl’s teeth look as if they aren’t even a part of her mouth, like they’re dentures.
B. The character’s awkward movements
1. They look really scary
II. The old-timey Christmas music
A. Sounds like something out of a horror flick, not something suitable for a kids movie
B. The part where the kid finally hears the bell, a demonic version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town is playing.
III. The weird hobo guy on the top of the train
A. What the f*ck?
B. Who was he and why the hell did this character even exist?
IV. The conductor
A. He’s sort of mean and intimidating.
B. Luckily softens and becomes slightly more likeable as the movie goes on.
V. The train ride
A. Like a roller coaster
B. Only not fun AT ALL.
VI. The elves
A. One of them looks like Steven Tyler from Aerosmith.
1. This is not at all how I picture elves.
B. They have creepy voices and seem shady
1. One of them says, “Trust me,” and all I can think is that this elf’s name must be Chester Molester.
Feel free to use my notes.
Pop quiz this week.
I agree on most of your points. Their teeth for sure..I couldn’t figure out what it was exactly with their faces, but I think it is the teeth.
The hobo guy I’m still trying to figure out as well. Filler I’m guessing, wouldn’t want the movie to end in less than hour.
I believe that elf is Steve Tyler, I think he was a guest voice as well. I could have dreamed this, but I’m pretty sure that was him.
The music totally creeped me out too! Just the way it was played very odd.
I did however love the movie despite the freakiness of it.
You are so right… that movie is TOTALLY creepy!!
I’ve never seen it. And after your review, I’m thinking I’m going to continue the streak. If you ever decide you want a tv show, I think you should see if you can get one reviewing movies. I would definitely tune in friend!
We’ve watched it dozens of times if you count the last three Christmases and just saw it on the big screen for the first time. I’m actually, NOW, very fond of the movie, but maybe because it’s become one of my daughter’s favorites.
It took her to age four to actually like it. Before that, it was too scary (but she liked to watch it anyway, go figure) and it’s still “too scary” for my two-year-old. But now she loves it. So maybe it’s just an age thing.
The creepy man atop the train aside (because really, they lose me when they get to him. I don’t even get what they are trying to say, and I’m an adult), I think it’s one of those movies that’ll become timeless.
But you’re absolutely right about the teeth
.
I am so with you! I hated this movie – I still don’t understand why people are so caught up in it!
The way you’ve outlined this is pure. genius. pure. effing. genius.
I have only seen bits and pieces of it here and there….Certainly never enough to gain all this insight! Makes me glad I skipped right over that one this weekend when the kids were watching tv!
yah, wth is up with the hobo guy? I still can’t figure it out…
I *think* the hobo guy is there to show us the kid’s willingness to believe or not to believe. I’m pretty sure that the Main Character Kid (what is his name?) is the Only one who ever sees the hobo – so the kid questions whether or not he even sees him at all. At some point, the hobo asks him if he believes in ghosts and he says No. Is the hobo supposed to be a ghost? Or a figment of the kid’s imagination? Who knows?
I agree with you on the elf that says “Trust me” I would NEVER trust someone with that voice.
As for the music – I kind of liked the old time Christmas music playing at the North Pole. I did not like when the elves were singing “You better watch out…” Very creepy sounding.
We have thie movie on TiVo and Quinn watches it At Least 5 times a week. The only reason it’s not every day is because we have a Max and Ruby DVD that will tide him over when he asks for The North Pole Movie. But even that, I can only take so much of Max and Ruby.
I love how organized you are.
I love the Polar Express, despite all the very accurate problems you pointed out.
Yeah, What IS the deal with the hobo & the freaky puppets? Yeesh.
You are weird. But, this line: “It’s not a blog. It’s HBO.” Cracks. Me. Up.
And I guess I will agree about the creepy hobo guy. But, otherwise its a pretty cute movie.
We recently saw this movie in 4-D, otherwise known as Smell-O-Vison, in Galveston. Talk about creepy. I was never overly fond of it before, and this just clinched it for me. The rancid smelling hot chocolate, getting punched in the back when Santa whips the reindeer, pelted in the face with God knows WHAT it was. At least the 3D glasses kept it out of my eyes. Good times.
It is VERY creepy. Especially the ghost hobo (yeah, WTF?) and the train car with the broken toys — oh, not good.
The book is excellent. But they had to add stuff to make it movie length, and true to form Hollywood added crappy and creepy things.
We watched it too this weekend. I agree with EVERYTHING you said. Who the heck is the weirdo on top of the train?? And the train ride does seem very scary, and the elves?? oh my those are VERY scary!! Have a great Holiday!!
Your first commenter here nailed it, but the my DH assures me that the Steven Tyler elf is in fact Steven Tyler…he says there is an Aerosmith song playing in the background at one point, and Steven Tyler is one of the voices. I usually leave the room and go read blogs when the kids are watching The Polar Express, but he has watched it in great detail many many times!
One of my good friends just said her son is totally creeped out with it. I haven’t shown LB it yet but now i”m curious. I think I’ll have to watch it with her to see what happens. We’ll do it like a test subject. No rats will be hurt. Promise.
I have never seen polar express and now am thinking this is a good thing… So sorry that your little one now has an unnatural attachment to it!
The book is so wonderful. The movie trailers alone creeped me out. The people had no depth to their faces at all. And it was just a few too many Tom Hanks for me.
Oh dear Lord, you’re a farking genius. I liked the movie, now you’ve gone and wrecked it for me the next time I watch it!
I. I just saw this movie yesterday and it IS creepy. But maybe this is a grownup reaction? My 4 yr old seemed okay about it.
II. Love the outline form!!
III. Still loving the outline!
I’ve actually never seen it. Doesn’t sound like I’m missing out!
Another one I’ve never seen and now I’m not so sure I want to.
we showed Sass it last year. She was a bit scared of the freaky hobo (as was I). However, she became obsessed with (what she calls ) the christmas boy. She had him as an imaginary friend for a few months. This year she watched it a few times and still talks about the christmas boy and has to wear pants and shirt when she wants to be him. however her new season show she wants to watch 37.5 times (and we actually might be up to that number) is the grinch.
This is another one I haven’t seen. I’m a dork.
I. My thoughts:
A. I haven’t seen the movie.
1. We just read the book for the first time the other night.
2. I think I will avoid it based on your description.
a. Esp. bluish teeth.
B. Your outline
1. = The BOMB!
Perfection. This movie friggin’ bites. Well done.
-HH
Yea, the animation is lacking with some of the stuff…but you have to understand it was early computer animation and they hadn’t quite worked out a lot of the stuff yet on how to do things. For example, the little black girl (I can’t remember her name)…her face never seemed to move correctly even in animation terms. I am not sure if it was the shading they used or what.
The hobo guy…I think he is supposed to be the spirit of Christmas…but I can’t be sure.
The story makes me cry at the end because he can always hear the bell…at in all fairness I have only really watched it this year (Babyhead loves it) and it could be pregnancy induced weeping.
Never saw it…now I’m glad.
1. Yes, kinda creepy. But, that is my favorite Christmas BOOK, so I give the movie some leeway. Also, it’s the only Christmas movie my son will watch without running away screaming in terror when Santa arrives. Even the fake Santas on Baby Einstein Baby Santa FREAK HIM OUT. The animation must have some sort of appeal to the Toddler set.
B. I think it’s funny the way some of the elves talk…they’re Jewish elves…who would have thought?!
III. I love your Outline, but since I graduated College & vowed to NEVER go back to school, I’ve done my own version of an outline. Eff You Traditional Outline Rules!
I’ve never seen the movie but now I’ll never be able to watch it without being creeped out. Gracias!
I do have to say that even just looking at the conductor kind of gave me the willies!
I haven’t seen the movie because the book scares me. You know the page where Santa is standing in the middle of the crowd of elves and holding up his hand? There is something about that picture that makes me think a little of Hitler. Santa-Hitler. Not good.
I tried watching the movie, but could never get into it. I loved loved loved the book, though. Think I’ll hold off introducing the movie to William! BTW–I bought Ovaltine for the first time this weekend. William has decided he’ll only drink chocolate milk now, so we’re going with the Ovaltine. It was a hit, too! Not sure I would have thought about it if not for this blog! And speaking of Ovaltine, William loves A Christmas Story. Go figure!
I’m sure it’s a great movie… everyone thinks so… but I can’t watch more than 5 minutes of it because the animation style and music just make me want to walk away.
Yeah – we bought it this year and Jaxon watched it once. He seemed to like it but hasn’t wanted to watch it since, saying it is too scary. He can’t seem to say exactly what was scary about it (usually he will cite a certain event or character in a movie that he thinks is scary) and he doesn’t refuse to watch any other movies that have scary (to a 3 1/2 year old) scenes.
So there you have it – confirmation from our little movie reviewer that Polar Express is indeed a scary movie.
HAHA! I don’t know why anyone thinks this is a good movie. I can’t stand it! I DO NOT like the animation. It is REALLY creepy. Everything about this movie is creepy. Luckily, my boys don’t like it either. Blah.
Ok, I am happy to say that I have never seen that movie. Can’t say I have any desire to now.
We just watched it a few weeks ago.
That hobo/ghost guy freaked me out. There was no reason for him to be in there.
As usual, the book is 100 times better.
My 5 and 3 year old request me to fast forward throught the “scary parts.”
Thank goodness for DVDs, I fast forward from the frist scene to nearly the last. I don’t think they know that the movie is longer then 20 minutes.
Heehhee
I could not agree with you more! I was watching it the other night with my kids and just thinking “Gah, this movie is creepy” the whole time. I don’t like their eyes. Freaky, scary eyes. And the hobo guy – yikes!
I now have Elliot hooked on Elf, which is much, much better.
I didn’t even make it all the way through Polar Express – way too creepy! The characters all look dead inside. I loved, loved, loved the book, so I’m a bit miffed that the movie blew so hard.
My 5 yo DS LUUURVES Polar Express ! If we’ve watched it once, we’ve watched it 100x – even during the summer, he’ll ask for it. In fact my Dh has the “Hot Chocolate”song as his ringtone
I agree w/ the movie. But, I love the book. And we go on the “real” Polar Express every year. That is truly magical!
We only watched it 3x between Saturday – Monday. THE freakiest part of that movie? The train car filled with the bizarre-o broken toys, mostly marionettes, where one of them screams at the boy from Grand Rapids. … YOU’RE A SCROOGE! EBENEEZER SCROOGE!!! (Pretty pathetic when you can’t remember the main character’s name and have to refer to him as the boy from Grand Rapids.)
Muahaha. I never saw this movie but now I SO want to!
Ha, I made hubby watch this flick with the twins. I can only do so much in the way of kid videos…of course now I’m rather curious about this one and may have to watch it.
My husband and I watched it last year and after it was over we said to each other, “what the heck was that?” There is something so weird about the movie aside from the animation which is totally distracting. Maybe it’s the fact that Tom Hanks plays every single character which ends up with performances that are so flat and boring. Just my two cents though…
The animation is crappy and the characters are odd, if not creepy. I will, however, have to watch it again to look for the Steven Tyler lookalike elf. So thanks for *that*. =)
I’ve avoided the movie because the book is so good and I’d heard that the movie was creepy.
That outline just cracked me the hell up!
So, just to clarify…you don’t like “The Polar Express”?