Uh, hi! Me, again, talking about movies! Playgroups are No Place for Children where it’s all movies all the time!
It’s not a blog. It’s HBO.
So I made the huge mistake of showing Carson The Polar Express this weekend and we therefore ended up watching it 37.5 times as a result. (In all actuality it was only four times, but who’s counting? Oh wait. I’m counting.) “Watch black steam engine? Watch black steam engine? Watch black steam engine?” Shoot me.
In our discussion the other day of Christmas movies, I noticed that none of you mentioned The Polar Express. I suspect that this is because it is a creepy-ass movie. Am I right? While I do think it’s a cute story, there are a lot of things about the movie that are just….ick. Let’s analyze, shall we? I’ve compiled my thoughts in handy outline form for easy studying.
I. The animation
A. The character’s teeth.
1. Bluish (Does anyone have naturally bluish teeth or am I missing something?)
2. At one point the little girl’s teeth look as if they aren’t even a part of her mouth, like they’re dentures.
B. The character’s awkward movements
1. They look really scary
II. The old-timey Christmas music
A. Sounds like something out of a horror flick, not something suitable for a kids movie
B. The part where the kid finally hears the bell, a demonic version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town is playing.
III. The weird hobo guy on the top of the train
A. What the f*ck?
B. Who was he and why the hell did this character even exist?
IV. The conductor
A. He’s sort of mean and intimidating.
B. Luckily softens and becomes slightly more likeable as the movie goes on.
V. The train ride
A. Like a roller coaster
B. Only not fun AT ALL.
VI. The elves
A. One of them looks like Steven Tyler from Aerosmith.
1. This is not at all how I picture elves.
B. They have creepy voices and seem shady
1. One of them says, “Trust me,” and all I can think is that this elf’s name must be Chester Molester.
Feel free to use my notes.
Pop quiz this week.