As a result of many recent eye rolling events, I, Lord and Ruler of Whatever I Feel Like, have instituted the following laws:
Law #1.1.8.08. If your wife spouse is in the middle of folding a large basket of laundry (or any other chore that could be completed by more than one person) and you are not helping, you will suddenly be struck with a very painful charlie horse. If this rule is broken more than once, you will be struck with a case of acne, so horrific, that everyone who sees you will turn away in fear.
Law #2.1.8.08 Any adult in the household with the ability to write, is responsible for recording receipts in the checkbook register. No longer is it the sole responsibility of the wife one spouse to spend four hours recording receipts, many of which were for $3 or less.
Law #2a.1.8.08 Debit cards cannot be used for amounts smaller than $10. You must use cash. This means you must plan ahead and have cash on your person.
Law#2b.1.8.08 Use of ATM’s that charge fees is punishable by imprisonment. This means you must plan ahead and go to non-fee ATM’s.
Law #3.1.8.08 If you choose to put your home up for sale and it has any of the following atrocities: wallpaper, green countertops, or non-beige-ish carpet, you must fix these things prior to listing the house.
Law #4.1.8.08 Those who feel the urge to spew unwanted assvice will suddenly lose their voice for a period of one week. After this week, if they attempt to give assvice again, they will get a nasty case of recurring diarrhea.
Law #5.1.8.08 Doctors are required to actually listen to their patients and take their concerns seriously. Failure to comply will result in revocation of country club memberships and recurring flat tires on their luxury vehicles. Also, large boils will appear on the foreheads of those who repeatedly break this law.
Please alert me to any other laws which need prompt consideration. Thank you.
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Law #6.1.8.08 When someone has temporarily misplaced an important item, say a brand new DSLR camera, interrupting her frenzied search to point out that she should not be so careless with her things is punishable by a swift kick to the franks and beans.
all things bd’s last blog post..You Can’t Take Down Other People’s Kids
Law #2.1.8.08- Ha and yes! oh my god would it kill them to have a little cash on hand, ever?
skiplovey’s last blog post..Crunches
Thanks for the link!
And obviously I’m in full agreement of these completely reasonable laws. I do love the assvice punishment – next time I see the evil-doer running in a panic towards the bathroom, I’ll know she has a case of recurring diarrhea. Thank you, Lord and Ruler of Whatever I Feel Like!
andi’s last blog post..Mothers unite to defeat HOB
Great rules. I must implement those in my house immediately.
I just loathe the idea of fixing up my house RIGHT BEFORE I move out. Bah!
Kathryn’s last blog post..Gone, Baby Gone
Excellent!
Law #7 If the kids can pack their own lunch then husband is more than capable to do the same.
slackermommy’s last blog post..Wicked was wicked!
If your spouse can pull herself and two kids together in the morning then the other adult has no right to get up two minutes before the school bell rings and yell at the other adult because he can’t find his freaking sunglasses. This behavior will no longer be tolerated as of 1/8/08. Any deviation from this rule will result in soggy toast and a boiled egg that still has small bits of shell on it for breakfast.
Mama DB’s last blog post..Tuesday Tattle – 1st edition (Warning: boring obligatory post to follow)
If baby and wife are sleeping, and baby has peed out BUT IS STILL SLEEPING …. do not attemp diaper change.
Dawn’s last blog post..Mommyhood – New Chapter on Baby Sleep
Well, I guess it’s good that I don’t live in the land of the “Lord and Ruler of Whatever I Feel Like,” huh?
Interesting laws.
RWA’s last blog post..I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV
When getting ready to attend a social event, there shall be no projects, big or small, allowed to be started no less than 15 minutes before time of departure.
For. The. Love. Of. God.
LifeAsIKnowIt’s last blog post..Healing Effects
You rock as the Allmighty Ruler.
Shelly’s last blog post..Peanut Grows Up
I’m all over Law #2 and both a and b amendments to it.
Do not interrupt blog writing to tell your spouse about some stupid lawsuit you read about in the paper. If we aren’t being awarded the multi-million lawsuit, who cares.
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..Super Target Stud
With laws like these, I support your reign wholeheartedly!
MammaLoves’s last blog post..Sick in Bed and Torturing Myself
I would totally vote for you and your smart new plan for our great nation.
Constance’s last blog post..Welcome
I am voting for you. . .and sending this post to Hubby.
Jerseygirl89′s last blog post..Up to Bee!
so what about the naptime laws. there has got to something done about this!
jenica’s last blog post..the best 2008 list
Spouse may not ask where something is before actually LOOKING himself. For example, do not open the fridge and ask where something is when there is no possible way you have looked before asking!
These laws apply to everyone, right? Staring immediately, right? I better send this post on over to Steve ASAP. Wouldn’t want him to break any of the unknowingly.
Nell’s last blog post..remembering, firsts, and growing up
them, that should say them, not the
Nell’s last blog post..remembering, firsts, and growing up
Any parent who allows their son to grow up without knowing the proper use of hammer and a paint brush thus causing said son to have to take contractor bids on putting together the baby girl room his wife has been dreaming and collecting pictures of for the past 6 years and finding out that said baby girl room will cost at least $1500, most of which is the cost of labor, and then deciding that a nice paint job will suffice, to be completed by a contractor at opportunity cost of nice Fleurville diaper bag, will be subject to listening to the fake smiles and loud sobbing of his future wife at all hours of the night for the remainder of their living years. Any son fitting the above description who does not take measures that this is not repeated in his own offspring will be subject to hanging a hammer and paint can from his balls for the rest of his life and to be cut off from any and all sexual contact.
Mother of abovementioned offspring is to be commended for any effort made toward ending this cycle, no matter how small, and will not be subject to any further punishment.
I need to overthrow the current lord and ruler here in this household, and reclaim my rightful place! I try to keep up with WAY more stuff than one adult should have to when there are two adults living here.
Until I can plot my way back into leadership, I’ll just have to live vicariously through you!
Devilish Southern Belle’s last blog post..I think I’ve learned my lesson!
*snort* HA! The punishments are funnier than the rules!
Elizabeth’s last blog post..Kaitlyn’s Words, January edition
Thou shalt put laundry IN the hamper, not on the floor next to it!
I bow to your reign.
And I voted for you.
Christine’s last blog post..Flip it, good!
Excellent Laws of the Land! I would add:
No putting empty containers back in the Fridge or Pantry.
No poinsettias in the house after January 15th (It’s my own personal Hell. Trust me and sign the law!)
If there is an agreed upon time to leave the house for any trip or function you have only a 20 minute grace period. After that you get left behind.
If you are a lover of stupid movies, like anything with Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler, you may not under any circumstances criticize ANYTHING your wife may chose to view on TV or at the movies.
amy’s last blog post..A Relaxing Vacation, Indeed
Love it, Love it, Love it!
Noms and voting… consider it done dahling.
I can’t believe that there are people out there who haven’t discovered you yet
Rachel’s last blog post..Chocolate, Cheetos and Cheesy Pleas
http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/37861
bloggers choice noms. Dude, how were you not already there on this site?
Rachel’s last blog post..Chocolate, Cheetos and Cheesy Pleas
Those are great! I think I might have to institute some of these!
Miss’s last blog post..“With you, all I know is, I’m coming home”
If I am busily doing something for the a) household or b) partner, then the unoccupied partner shall remove the Toddler from my legs, neck or breasts as required.
Failure to comply will result in said partner losing all his socks and underwear for a month, because I won’t have been able to do any washing.
Veronica’s last blog post..Oh How The Place Has Deteriorated
Duly noted.
Emily R’s last blog post..Child after my own heart
I agree with all the new laws you and your followers have deemed needed. Can we add a law for pets? Say if “momma’ is blogging and doesn’t need your help “typing” and has put you in the floor a couple of hundred times, “momma” has every right to FLING you across the room without an attitude from you.
I also did my duty and nominated you and voted for you.
justmylife’s last blog post..Why can’t losing weight be as easy as losing a child?
Have I told you lately that I lurve you?
Mrs. Fussypants’s last blog post..Fussy Needs Your Homeschooling Opinions!
I like laws 1 & 4. Like, isn’t it OBVIOUS that I could use some help?? I mean COME ON!!
And #4 should extend to comments that you shouldn’t say generally — like the other day I was checking out at Bed, Bath & Beyond and the checker asked how old LM was. I said a year, and she said, “He’s TINY!!” Like, how is that EVER an ok thing to say to someone??
At least I’ve got the, “yeah, well he was premature” comeback.
Beyotch.
VDog’s last blog post..Little Man’s Story, Part Two
If Mama is watching TV, and Mama gets up to refill her glass with her beverage of choice for the day, and it is obvious that she WILL be returning to said room within the time frame of less than 1.0 minutes, thou
SHALT NOT enter the TV room and change the channel !!!
I had no idea my Internet BFF was a lawmaker!!!!
Y’s last blog post..If You Read My Blog, CHECK THIS.