The little girl looked to be about four years old. Her long blond hair was held back in pigtails with purple ribbons. She had big brown eyes and batted her long eye lashes as she asked her mother if she could please go play now that she had finished her chicken. Her mother and another woman were sitting behind us feeding a younger child. She smiled sweetly and said, “Sure Brindley*! Don’t forget to take off your shoes.”
Carson had also finished his Chick-Fil-A lunch and wanted to go and play also. He was practically pulsating he was so excited to play with the other children in the play area. I opened the door for him, returned to my seat at our booth and watched him begin his assent up the stairs toward the slide.
I noticed that Carson was talking to another child and seemed irritated . Brindley was on a step above Carson and looked to be telling him that he couldn’t come up. At this point I didn’t mind since kids argue and it’s important for them to work things out on their own. Carson was doing his best and holding his own against Brindley until she started pushing him and obviously yelling at him. (For those of you unfamiliar with Chick Fil-A, their play area is behind glass so you can’t hear the kids, but you can see them.)
My eyes caught Brindley’s and I furrowed my brow and shook my head ”no.” She returned a glare that shocked me and promptly pushed him again. I looked beside me to see if her mother was paying attention and if she was going to intervene. Her mother and her friend were deep in conversation (about being middle school teachers, but who’s eavesdropping? Not me!). Since I was afraid that Carson would fall, I went into the play area and told Brindley to stop pushing and to let him climb up.
Miss Sassy Britches told me that she didn’t have to and that he was too little to be playing there anyway.
Normally in a situation like this, I’d get Carson and we’d go play somewhere else. I typically ignore obnoxious children, unless they are acting dangerously. Unfortunately the Chick-Fil-A play area IS the slide. That’s it. There isn’t another place to go play.
As a former Speech-Language Pathologist who worked in the schools, I never hesitated to correct a child, but since her mother was just on the other side of the window, I hesitated. I didn’t want to seem like that bitchy mom that bosses everyone else’s kids around. Disciplining someone else’s child in front of their parent(s) is awkward. Since Brindley’s mom was still not paying attention, I told her again that she needed to stop pushing and to let Carson by.
I thought laser beams would shoot out of her vicious glare. And at this point I had HAD it with this little girl (I’m merely saying “girl” because calling her what I’m thinking is MEAN, but know that if you read the word “girl” in reference to her after this point, I really mean a not-so-nice word.)
I told her that if she didn’t stop, I’d go get her mother. “Do you want me to go get her RIGHT NOW, because I SO will.” As much as I really didn’t want to go get her mother, this wasn’t an idle threat. Lucky for me, she apparently didn’t want her mother to know of her evil ways, so she moved aside and let Carson continue to climb. I returned to my seat outside the play area and continued to watch.
Brindley left Carson alone for the rest of the time we were there. Every few minutes she’d look out of the window and sneer her little sneer at me, keeping one eye on her mother to make sure she didn’t get caught. I watched as this “girl” bullied and harassed just about every other child who was in there playing. She even pushed her friend down, another little girl, who promptly ran to tell her mother…the other woman sitting behind me. The women shooed her away, dismissed her wailing, and continuing their chat.
On one hand I wanted to say, “WAIT! This little “girl” Brindley pushed her! In fact she’s bullying every kid in there. Your child is a BULLY. And shut up long enough to pay attention!”
On the other hand, though, I don’t really think it’s my business. I’d taken care to see that Carson, MY CHILD, was safe. No other parents were correcting Brindley, why should I care?
The other day, Lindsay at Suburban Turmoil talked about when should we step in and say something to parents about their children’s poor behavior. She asked,
“…where do we draw the line? What is our responsibility to our children? What’s our responsibility to the children of others? Most of us have a hands-off philosophy when it comes to other kids, right? Walk a mile in their parents’ shoes first, we say with a deeply tolerant air. But we also like to say that it takes a village to raise a child. So shouldn’t we be stepping in more?”
I don’t believe for one second that Brindley’s mother isn’t already aware of her daughter being a bully. This little girl was a master bully so I’m pretty confident that this wasn’t the first time for this kind of behavior. Really, I don’t think that had I said something to the mother, anything would have changed. Brindley will be a bully whether I made myself look like an ass or not. While I was really irritated that the mom was so engrossed in conversation that she didn’t see how her daughter was behaving (and I don’t even know if I really believe that), I don’t blame her either. If I’d have had someone to talk to at Chick-Fil-A, I might not have noticed that I needed to come to Carson’s rescue.
What do you think? Where DO we draw the line? What is our responsibility, especially to the children of others? And is it worth the potential embarrassment on our part to bother saying something?
(*Not the child’s real name, but something equally ridiculous. My apologies if your child is named Brindley. I’m sure it suits her well. Or him.)
I think you handled it well. I often let it go if it’s a one time thing, but I feel like I have a responsibility to protect my kids and also to teach them that it’s not OK to treat people that way. I’m SO non-confrontational that it’s ridiculous, but I will step up and say something to a child that is being mean to my kids.
I totally would have done the head shake first, and then asked nicely, then not so nicely (probably while telling d that we don’t push becuase it’s not nice or whatever.)
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I wish we lived in a world where it would have been OK for you to give Brindley a good fussing. Remember when we were kids how afraid we were to piss off someone else’s parents? Sad that we lost that. Now kids mock other parents knowing full well that we won’t/can’t do anything. *sigh*
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Yikes, I am not looking forward to this stuff. I haven’t encountered it to such a degree yet. I am not a confrontational person, but if I saw anyone, even another kid, getting physical with one of my children in such a mean-spirited way, I would be SHAKING with the effort of not getting physical right back. It’s just the mama bear thing, I guess, even though in my head I would know that she was just a misguided little kid herself.
But seriously? Her mom should at least have been watching her child WHILE talking to her friend. That is just kind of negligent. When Addy’s playing, I have one eye on her almost all the time. I mean, I’m sure she didn’t assume her kid was being a brat, but what if her daughter had fallen or something? Would she even have noticed?
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I think you handled it pretty well. If It would have continued I would have marched right over to the child’s mother and said ” hate to interupt your conversation but I’ve asked your daughter to please stop pushing my child and to let him pass but she seems to be misunderstanding me. Could you explain it to her? Thanks”
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That’s a difficult situation to be in and I think you absolutely did the right thing by protecting your child. It was very telling when the other child’s playmate asked her mother for help and 1) she was sent away and 2) Brindley’s mother didn’t immediately jump up and set Brindley on the right path.
I’ve shot Brindley’s mother some pretty pointed glares in my time as a parent, and I’ve said a little too loudly to my own children that “we’re just going to stay away from the little girl with purple ribbons because she’s pushing and yelling.” I’ve also asked loudly and seriously who belongs to this child because he’s making kids cry. But then I’m ballsy like that
.
I am enjoying your blog. Definitely added it to my favorites.
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OMG! I cannot believe that gutsy little “girl!” How obnoxious! I never would have dreamed of talking back to an adult. Just them looking at me would be enough for me to stop whatever I was doing!
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No mother is that engrossed in conversation that she doesn’t even glance once at her child.I just don’t believe it. Pushing is a no no so kudos to you for saying something!!!!! What if one of those kids fell off? Kids all have different personalities but every mother knows her child and I’m sure this mother was aware she needed to watch her kid but chose to escape her (maybe that tells the whole story right there lol)
I’m right there with Burgh’s Mom: When we were little, we viewed all grown-ups as authorities. Now, the few times I’ve intervened, I’ve heard more than once “You’re not my mother.”
I think it’s perfectly okay to step in in situations like yours. Hopefully, the little brat will take the next grownup who confronts her a little seriously.
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I think you handled it well. Ideally the mother should have noticed the behavior and intervened but clearly she was otherwise involved and falling down on the job. Thus you were right to step in. Carson’s safety is your first concern.
And although it would have been awkard and a challenge should Brindley not have complied then you had every right to approach her mom and politely explain the situation and ask that she intervene.
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Great post.
On one hand, I will do what it takes to protect my kids, but on the other, they have to learn to do things for themselves too. I cannot always be there, unfortunately and bullies will always exist. But, if I am there and my kids are in danger, then, yes, I will say something or do something to stop it.
You said that you are sure that Brindley’s mother knows she’s a bully, but maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she’s one of those mothers that doesn’t think her child can do anything wrong, much less be a bully. Perhaps if more parents stopped having that attitude and dismissing things their kids do, other kids won’t have to be bullied.
Kudos for handling the situation so well!! I agree with most of the comments. We have to step in. I teach school now and have found that there is a generation of parents who will not parent. So we have to step up and let the kid know there are repercussions to his/her actions. And if Mommy & Daddy won’t do it, the police, juvenile authorities or someone else will.
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I’m sorry, but if you know your child is a bully you should not be so engrossed in conversation that you don’t see her being a mean little ‘girl’ to the other kids. I do agree that children need to know when to stick up for themselves, but there is no excuse for that mother. I think you handled the situation beautifully.
My really immature reaction would have been to tell my son we have to go because other kids weren’t playing nice, and as I walked by the mother’s table on my way out I would have loudly ‘explained’ to my son that SOME MOTHER’S need to keep a better eye on their kids. Yep, that’s me, little miss mature.
I wrote about this type thing last Monday. I took my girls to a big new indoor play facility in our town and was amazed at the moms who just ignored their kids’ bad behavior. Reading your post gives me deja vu as we stopped at a Chick-Fil-A on the way home from Florida last year and an older little girl was an absolute Master Bully (love that term….SO accurate) to my oldest daughter, who is extremely sensitive. The other moms were literally ignoring their kids and just caught up in la la mommy conversation land. Now I am known to get caught up in mommy talk myself BUT if I am out with my kids they are my responsibility! It sounds like you handled the situation with tact. That’s all you can do. I also don’t think it’s wrong to address a child as the only adult who seems to be responsible enough to monitor the play activity.
You go girl!
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I think you did a great job balancing all the issues — your kid’s safety, the out-of-line behavior of the girl, and the (apparent) obliviousness of the mom.
I definitely think giving the girl the message that it is not okay to hurt other kids and staying there to back up your word was the right thing to do. It’s a toss-up with the mom. I have known moms who would be grateful to get the heads-up about their kids and I know other moms who would be offended to hear anything from another mom about their kid…. Not having been there, it is hard to know what I would have done, but there is part of me that would want to say something to the mom, too. Something like, “It looks like your daughter needs your help. She seems frustrated and has been pushing the other kids,” or something like that. The truth is that girl DOES need her mother’s help — she needs some adult to help her behave in a safe way and based on how you described her behavior, she has developed some pretty serious and bad habits. It is sad, as another poster said, how much pain she might cause other children (including herself) as time goes on.
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Oh, I forgot to say — found you through Chicken and Cheese, who I found through NaBloPoMo last year. Got ya in my reader!
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Bless you for posting this.
I recently posted about an incident in which an obnoxious, horrid little girl kicked my son in the head and then smirked at me.
That word you were thinking? I thought it and many, many others.
And her mother was a twit.
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Like The Mom Bomb, I too have heard the line
“You’re not my Mother ” . SNARRRRLLLLLL !!!
I have perfected my response – I tell the hellion :
“No, I’m not your Mother – but I AM the Mommy to ( point to my munchkin ) and it’s MY reponsibility to teach him
how NOT to act when playing with other kids. ”
Delivered at whatever decibel level feels best
That little girl sounds like Nellie from Little House on The Prairie! Remembah her? You absolutely did the right thing. Your childs safety is your responsibility…if the other parent didn’t want you correcting her child, she should have been watching the little beast!
I think you were definitely justified in not letting her bully Carson on the steps up to a slide. She’s probably not that used to people sticking up to her.
A similar thing happened with Little Elvis at a nice toddler play area in our mall. He was just learning to pull up and was crawling around, and since he was so unsure of himself, I was following him everywhere. He had just pulled up on a little mushroom when (I’m guessing at the age) a 3 year old boy ran to the mushroom, stood on top of it and started trying to step on my baby’s fingers! I told him to stop that and that it wasn’t nice, while glancing around for a parent or nanny. While I did this, he looked me right in the eyes and again attempted to step on my baby. I scooped up Little Elvis and told that boy he should never step on babies’ fingers, and I said it loudly, but no adult came over to the child (I was half suspecting someone to tell me not to scold her sweet baby.) We’ve had one other instance at the play area, but it’s one of the few places designed just for little ones in our area. I’m not going to stop going.
I just have to know-what WAS that girl’s name? Because “Brindley” keeps popping in to my head and my OCD won’t leave me alone until I know
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Oh my gosh! I love you! Too funny! In my dreams, I’d drop a copy of “Mean Girls- Queen Bees and Wannabees” in the mom’s damn lap!
But, in reality, I’d have done exactly what you did.
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No, its hard to do, but the right thing to do is to stick your nose in.
I would have gone something like “Hi, excuse me, sorry – I’m so jealous that you guys have some one to chat with :big smile: no, no, we’re just leaving – I just needed to let you know that your little Brindley was a little out of control out there. You should probably keep an eye on her so she doesn’t hurt one of the little kids when she pushes them over. :another big very genuine smile: :leave:
(I’m very good at being very friendly and very genuine and telling people stuff in a non accusatory manner.)
Its so hard to be a mother of a ‘bad kid’. Mostly they are in denial that their child does anything wrong, mostly they think its ‘just normal’ because they lack perspective.
So, I think a good tactic is to give them a small feedback that there is a problem. Can you imagine if everytime she was out at a playground someone quietly mentioned her child was a problem?
I’m of the boring school of thought that we are all building the future everyday in how we let our (their) children be. If everyone ignores the fact that her child is a demon on wheels, how can she bear full responsibility for the molester and bank robber the child will grow into?
This is a tough one. Their is not much one can do in this kind of situation. You did the right thing though. You made both parties happy. our child was safe and you didn’t hurt Brindley either. It’s ultimately upto the parents to teach and discipline their children.
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I would’ve said something to the mother if I saw her bullying all the other kids. Yes you took care of your own child, but where were the mothers of all the other children? I believe it takes a village to help raise a child- this is more true than ever in today’s society.
If the mother didn’t handle her daughter, then you can complain to the Chik-Fila manager to ask them to leave. Your child (and yourself) have a right to enjoy the place without being bullied, harassed, or otherwise upset.
in my ever-humble opinion.
[...] sweet tea in her kid’s sippy cup? A little girl that I think is dressed like a tramp? A mom not watching her brat kid at Chick-Fil-A? Oh, I’ve [...]
I have been on both sides of the parenting dilemma. Usually I thank a person who steps in to say something to one of mine. And repeat what they said.
And as an umpire for 10 and 9 year olds, I have learned a voice and a look that kids will listen to. (Get close, speak with authority, treat them like adults.) “That’s enough, gentleman.” And they will know what you are talking about.
I have been also thanked by other parents as I have corrected theirs. (Little things like batting a baseball outside of the batting cages)
Lol, I can totally relate. I too, am an SLP for the schools, and cringe every time I see a situation like this. I want so badly to discipline, but bite my tongue many times (And you know how hard biting your tongue is for an SLP).
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My daughter’s name is Brynlee
It seems to me as if the parents of bullies actually enjoy seeing their children act this way. I think you handled it perfectly. Where were the parents of the other children, and why didn’t they say anything?
I usually only correct children if they physically push or hurt my son. I do try and get their own parents involved. If that doesn’t work and I’m put into a situation where I have to correct someone else’s child I have no problem doin it to protect my own from physical harm.
I am a mom of a BRINDLEY…..I adopted my daughter at age 4 and it has been a constant battle for me to teach her respect and boundaries.
I know people look at my daughter’s behaviors and just figure I am not caring or trying or I’m a horrible parent…but I am doing everything I can!!!…and I appreciate DEEPLY anyone bringing it to my attention so I can handle it. I can’t always keep my eye on her every second, and she is sneaky enough to pay attention to when I am watching and when I am not. She will wait and watch for the moments when I am distracted and then take advantage of that moment.
I have even began having to go to school with her or show up there at random times just to prove I am always paying attention.
The behavior only gets worse when she is SUCCESSFUL at her manipulations and bully-ing…..PLEASE for the good of the child, STEP IN and bring it to my attention.
The “what are YOU gonna do about it” attitude comes from her experience in her first home where no one did anything about any poor behaviors…..And I cannot leave that question unanswered…I want my child to know that boundaries exist even if I’m not watching.
She’s 7 now and the bully-ing has mostly stopped….but every once in awhile it starts up again and takes me by surprise. Time-Ins work WONDERS for that behavior….I also appreciate anyone kind enough to give her the “No one will like you if you don’t learn to be nice” Lecture…The more people she hears it from the better chance it has of sinking in!
Maybe I’m just a total bitch but I would have yelled at the parent.
I have a very well-spoken British accent, which immediately makes people listen the hell up. I probably would have gone with something like “Excuse me, are you watching your child? Because he/she is bullying the other children horribly and has just hit/scratched/whatever my kid and several others.”
Then I probably would have gotten into an argument. I’m a fat chick with a shaved head, other mums generally don’t try to get physical with me.
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