We’re all friends here, right? I’m just going to go ahead and lay it all out for you. Due to a cough that won’t just won’t. facking. go. away, I’ve realized that I’m incontinent. Since Amy (Amalah) (whom I adore and would secretly like to marry if it weren’t for those pesky polygamy and same-sex marriage restrictions) wrote about peeing her pants, like totally PEEING HER PANTS, I feel like I can now tell you of my plight.
Her post made me feel validated. I pee MY pants, too!
Her post was about when she peed her pants when she was over 30 weeks pregnant, which alone is reason enough to pee your pants. So MY peeing my pants when I’m not even 1 day pregnant, just 11 months post birth, is pitiful. And gross.
It all started a few weeks ago when I came down with a cold, courtesy of my germ schmeared children. The cold started out in my head, then it moved to my chest, thus beginning bouts with nearly gag-inducing coughing fits. Each time I cough, I pee. Cough, pee. Cough some more, pee some more. Cough, cough, cough, pee, pee, pee. Sometimes it’s just a little pee, other times it’s not just a little pee.
I try, oh do I try, to keep from peeing myself. Whenever I start to cough, I contort my body and legs in such a way to hopefully make up for the obvious lack of musculature DOWN THERE. Even my contortionist attempts aren’t working, though. If I know I’m going to cough, I stand up so that I don’t pee all over the couch or where ever I happen to have planted my ass. In the past several weeks, I’ve changed my underwear more times each day than I change Carson’s diapers.
Am I really telling you all this?
I’ve consulted my trusty family physician (Google again) and she tells me that I should be doing kegels or that I have a bladder infection and will probably die a horribly painful, drawn-out death characterized by wiry nipple hair, tumor-like zits, and impotence at the hands of evil bladder bacteria.* So DAMN, either way I’m screwed. A painful death or more exercise, I don’t know which is worse. It’s not as if I even have time to fit more exercise into my already very full days. I mean, seriously, I have two very huge thighs and a pillowy gut that need prompt attention and can’t fit any exercise into my day. Adding kegels to my “workout routine” falls in the “unlikely as hell” category.
I did really tell you this. **head shakes in disbelief** Validation, people. Validation.
*slight exaggeration.
amy
Twitter: amy2boys
April 2, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I read her post – hilarious! I peed myself once preggers with #3 trying unsuccessfully to unlock the front door to get inside and PEE. And yes, you would totally think Kegels would be the one exercise we’d all do – anywhere anytime as they are – and yet, no.
amy’s last blog post..The Second Guess
Sarah @ Ordinary Days
April 2, 2008 at 2:30 pm
You inspired me.
Come join the Kegel Karnival!!
http://methemama.blogspot.com/2008/04/impromptu-carnival-join-fun.html
Sarah @ Ordinary Days’s last blog post..An Impromptu Carnival! Join The Fun!
Bellamomma
April 2, 2008 at 2:36 pm
17 months post partum.
Peed a little during pregnancy
Peed a lot during bouts of morning sickness
Still pee a little during coughing.
Kids ruin our bodies in more ways than one. Why didn’t anyone WARN ME of this?!
ROTFL
Bellamomma’s last blog post..Babies on the brain, melting my brain
ali
April 2, 2008 at 2:46 pm
i have a different problem. i have to pee. all the friggin’ time. i used to be able to go all day….now i need to find a bathroom everywhere i go. i’m like a kid.
ali’s last blog post..a whole bunch of unrelated things. it’s how i’m rolling today.
A
April 2, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Yeah, I had my first baby and while I was still in the recovery room, doc said “Have your babies, then we’ll talk reconstructive surgery.” Uh, gee, thanks dude. Two days of labor and that’s all you can come up with?!Love my son, but his newborn head was a bowling ball. I think I’ve had more accidents in public than my son during potty training. I’ve actually thrown away underwear in a public restroom…and when I’ve shared this with close friends, they laugh so hard, THEY nearly pee their pants…
Anglophile Football Fanatic
April 2, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I just saw your book list. Life of Pi is TOUGH. I seriously couldn’t finish it. And, I agree with your grades for the two you’ve finished. Water for Elephants is something I never thought I’d like & I loved it.
Pee? Ahh. We all cough/sneeze pee a little. Tell Tate Kegels are exercises for his pleasure & he needs to take the kids.
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..Would the Real Tony Danza PLEASE Stand Up??
Rachel
April 2, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Oh how I love your honesty! I can’t say that I have this problem, but I didn’t have either of my kids the right way eithr. More power to you girl!
Rachel’s last blog post..Little old me
Velveteen Mind Megan
Twitter: velveteenmind
April 2, 2008 at 4:41 pm
First of all, I peed my pants every single time I threw up while I was pregnant with Goose. Full on peed. Since we were living in my parents’ guest house at the time, the tiny bathroom meant that the toilet was right next to the tub… so I would hang my butt in the tub and my head over the toilet and voila! Problem solved!
Really really sad problem solved in a really really sad way.
Second of all, I have finally been taking the time to really poke around your new site here and I have to say I love the layout. I’ve been pondering a site redesign and I covet those navigation buttons below your banner. TypePad seems to be against those. Damn. I bet it has something to do with “Custom CSS.” Whatever that means.
Love you, Jennifer.
Velveteen Mind Megan’s last blog post..Who Dat?
Maria
April 2, 2008 at 6:14 pm
So Kegels work? I need to start then, I’m incontinent too. You tell anyone and I’ll kill you.
Maria’s last blog post..Alright people…
Molly's Mom
April 2, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Hell to the yeah on this one. I just got over that cough myself and could not go without a liner in the dra-wers, if you know what I mean. I didn’t even tell the husband about it; I was afraid of ridicule. TG this is a safe place
Kristen
April 2, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Obviously there are a lot of us closet pant-peers out there! Good to know I am not alone in this. I have given birth 5 times, NOTHING is quite the same down there. And my doctor told me that I was doing the flippin’ kegels wrong. So all that exercising I have been doing while blogging was for naught.
Thanks for visiting today!
Kristen’s last blog post..Monkey and my birthday
Marilyn
April 2, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Dear, I pee myself ALL THE TIME. Ever since my first was born, I don’ t have the control I once had. Certain situations make it worse, of course (like pregnancy), but… yeah. Life sucked before we got our powder bath put in on the first floor because running upstairs is just too hard when you’re trying not to pee, ya know?
Marilyn’s last blog post..The end of a very long era
Jess
April 2, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Right there with you hun…Have had that issue sine I had my oldest…and he’s 11 now.
Thank YOU for the validation
Jess’s last blog post..Not so Wordless Wednesday
Mrs. Who
April 2, 2008 at 9:08 pm
My children are grown and I haven’t started shopping in the Depends aisle yet, but I have this problem as well when I have a cold. The last one I had, I was in the kitchen getting cough medicine and started coughing so hard, I peed a little bit. Isn’t it lovely being a woman?
Shania
April 2, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Validation #65 here. Over 4 years later, still do the cross the legs thing when I sneeze.
Shania’s last blog post..Dollah Dollah Bills, ya’all
Robin
April 2, 2008 at 10:49 pm
I didn’t have this problem after #1, who was a vaginal birth. But after #2 which was a C-section, I pee every time I sneeze. And I am one of those people who sneeze 20 times in a row. Yeah. Not good.
I found out this week that I pee when I puke too. My husband just laughs at me because I do this leg cross bend over move every time I sneeze. And it still doesn’t help. Pantiliners are a girl’s best friend.
Robin’s last blog post..Why I’ve been gone
andi
April 2, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Sounds like you need to fire Dr. Google and find someone with a better bedside manner.
And Kegels? That’s all I heard while pregnant. I think I did, like 1, and then forgot all about it. I’m sure as hell not going to start doing them now.
andi’s last blog post..Welcome to parenthood?
the planet of janet
Twitter: Janet Daw
April 2, 2008 at 11:37 pm
i’m 13-plus years post partum, so wtf is MY excuse???????
the planet of janet’s last blog post..Them’s the breaks, featuring a cast of thousands
Hoo-Hatorial | Playgroups are No Place For Children
April 3, 2008 at 6:09 am
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April 3, 2008 at 10:22 am
[...] La Binky Bitch over at Playgroups are no Place for Children posted the other day about how she pees when she sneezes. Because she’s delivered children. Out of her gina (long I). To that I say, welcome to the [...]
Mia, The Childcare Lady
Twitter: childcaresource
April 3, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Oh, you can fit kegels into a busy day – they are easy.
Stopping at the lights – theres two sets.
Peanut butter sandwich – another 3 sets
Nappy change – do a set while you do googoo games after…
Nooo problem.
Its not like its surprising – you pushed a watermelon through that tract (well, my 8 and 10-pounders were – maybe you lot have delicate, petite little babies
) – why would we expect it to close up beautifully on its own after? Force that puppy to shrink!
Stimey
Twitter: Stimey
April 3, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Okay, I wasn’t able to read all 71 (!) comments ahead of me, but I do believe they probably all say that you are not alone.
You are not alone.
Sneezing, coughing, it all makes me pee. Usually (but not always) just a little. I actually do better sitting down. But if I have to sneeze and I’m walking, I almost always stop and pretend to be preparing for the sneeze when really I’m crossing my legs so I don’t pee.
It also happens when I vomit, which was awesome for morning sickness for babies 2 and 3.
You are not alone.
Stimey’s last blog post..Lame.
Bren
April 4, 2008 at 8:19 am
Ha! I had the same problem a few weeks ago and also blogged about it.
Hope you’re feeling better now.
Bren’s last blog post..Haiku Friday – Rodeo Monkey
Laura
April 4, 2008 at 6:22 pm
One time I peed my pants and had to hide it from my daughter who was struggling learning to use the toilet herself. I thought how to I expect her to pee on the toilet when I sneeze and don’t make it.
Laura’s last blog post..The sky is peeing!
Devilish Southern Belle
April 4, 2008 at 8:33 pm
This happens to me every time I get a chest cold, too. What is so terrible about it is that half the time when this happens, I don’t even feel like there is anything in my bladder!
Devilish Southern Belle’s last blog post..No more unfun person! Exciting things galore!
justmylife
April 7, 2008 at 10:34 am
Almost 9 years postpartum and still wetting myself on occassion. I am glad to know I am not alone, where do I sign up for the support group?
justmylife’s last blog post..I am interrupting my facts……
cate
April 21, 2008 at 10:43 am
dude….of course i pee my pants. i even wrote a Haiku about it!!!
http://monkeysandmarbles.wordpress.com/2007/10/19/haiku-friday-an-ode-to-pantiliners/
cate’s last blog post..poopy croup
Jen
May 4, 2008 at 5:42 pm
This is why I ALWAYS cross my legs before I cough…..
Jen
Jen’s last blog post..Haiku Friday – Lazy Mom Costumes for Career Day
Kelly
May 5, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Part of my “other job” is to make women laugh and in turn pee themselves. Then turn around and teach them about kegels and ben wa balls. NO ONE does kegels the way they should, the only reason I do is because I inadvertantly do it while talking about it as part of my show. Don’t worry, you’re normal and when you are sick of changing underwear or when your uterus and bladder present themselves in your pants you’ll do something about it.
Kelly’s last blog post..I could just BARF