The response I got to yesterday’s post truly shocked me. I haven’t mentioned this before, but before I hit *publish* on a post, I like to guess the number of comments I’ll receive for it. I guessed yesterday’s post to be a 34 and thought that it wouldn’t really be a post people felt compelled to comment about. Apparently I underestimated people’s feeling about children’s bedtimes.
Most comments were positive, but I got the feeling from a few comments that you felt very defensive about my opinion of early bedtimes, pointing out when I already had, that I was being judgmental (paraphrasing). When I thought about it, I certainly cannot blame anyone for feeling defensive since I’ve read many others’ posts that have left me feeling that same way and wanting to defend my parenting decisions. In fact, yesterday there were a few comments where I felt judged for judging. How’s that for irony?
I suspect, though, that each and every one of us has tsk tsked someone else’s parenting decisions. If you were to say you’ve NEVER judged someone else, I’d probably call you a liar (under my breath). Oh yeah, I said it, a LIAR. Liar, liar pants on fire.
There are many issues that I think, for me, I can safely say are truly off limits for judging. Choosing how to feed your infant, choosing whether to stay home with the kids or work, choosing how to birth your children, these are all things that I strive to never, ever judge or criticize. In fact I cringe whenever I read a post about why breastfeeding is the best for everyone and that everyone MUST try it and that there is no reason not to. Or when someone says that it’s okay for a mom to work when the family needs the money, but otherwise, no. Or when people feel like they must educate people about a VBAC after they’ve already chosen to have a repeat C-section.
These are the type of things that literally make my heart all racy and my stomach flutter to read. I get very nervous when people judge these sorts of things.
We all do the best we can do for our kids.
Conversely, though, I fully admit that I’ve judged for lots of other things. A mom putting sweet tea in her kid’s sippy cup? A little girl that I think is dressed like a tramp? A mom not watching her brat kid at Chick-Fil-A? Oh, I’ve judged.
I think that through blogging, though, I’ve learned to be less judgmental about how others parent their kids. There are millions of us mommy and daddy bloggers out there that come from different backgrounds with a wide-range of experiences and beliefs. I’m continually learning and expanding my point of view through reading about lives that are not a part of my own reality. So all the while, as I sit back and occasionally judge, I’m trying not to. I’m attempting to be more understanding and accepting.
I’m not perfect and won’t ever be. Neither will you.
We all do the best we can do for our kids.
Now! Moving right along! *claps hands* On a completely unrelated note, have any of you tried the Strawberry Banana V8 Fusion? Oh. Mah. Gah. DELICIOUS. Just like a smoothie, no blender needed. You’re welcome!
Ha, 34! That would be a banner post for me.
I’ve been drinking the V8 fusion in tropical. It’s good.
Whit’s last blog post..I’m Whit Honea and I Endorse Tom Hank’s Message
My middle name could definitely be Judgey McJudgerson, so my apologies if I came across as a tsk tsker yesterday. Must have been feeling defensive my own self.
On a more delicious note: Have you tried the V8 Fusion with pomegranate? It’s even better than the strawberry banana one. We get it in small bottles at Costco and send the kid to school with it. She’s DRINKING her veggies!
all things BD’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Captain
Ok, I didn’t comment yesterday because I was in complete agreement with your post. But after seeing your new post today, I guess I’m in complete shock with how many comments people left about kids bedtimes. I had to go back and read them. Wow – people are really defensive about their late bedtimes.
I won’t lie – I’m a Judgy McJudgerson myself. It bothers me when I see kids out after 9 pm. I’m a HUGE fan of putting my girls (age 5 & 3) down at a reasonable time…. which is 7 pm for us. At 5pm I’m cracking open a bottle of wine, 6 pm they’re done with dinner and in the bath, and at 7 pm they’re in bed with the lights out, their favorite toys, and hugs and kisses from mom and dad. Then it’s “hello honey” let’s go have some down time. Of course, there’s always an exception to this rule – company over, family in town, etc. But that’s an exception…
Good for you for enforcing what works for you. I don’t think you needed to apologize any further for your post. It was honest, heartfelt, and in the right forum. Rock on!
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Oh I judge other people incessantly. I just try and keep it to the voices inside my head.
Parenting is something that raises controversy in the blink of an eye. It’s so easy to be defensive about something so bloody hard to get right and so incredibly important.
Personally, I didn’t think your last post was judgemental. You said you didn’t understand something and asked for explanations. Hoopdy doo. But then I’m an old walrus with uber thick skin who sends her kids to bed at a reasonable hour because they’re up at 5am and I get sick of the sight of them
dani’s last blog post..Ooohh it burns (in a good way)
I don’t judge any more. Cause every time I do it turns around and bites me in the arse. One of my kids will do whatever it is.
Except for fur lined Crocs. They wear those and I am burying them in the backyard. Upside down. With them rectally inserted.
As for your swooning over a product that is probably not available in Australia and probably never will? Yeah, thanks for that. Another thing I can’t have. Fabulous…
Kelley’s last blog post..My baby is at camp.
Im gonna skip my rant and head RIGHTIMMEDIATELYTO the:
Ive never tried that V8–thanks for the tip!
MizFit’s last blog post..Viewer Mail.
@allthingsbd I wasn’t picking on any one particular comment, just in general that I detected a tone of defensiveness…which I totally GET. Hell I’m being defensive in my post!
And yours definitely wasn’t a defensive comment!
guilty. I judge. But I keep it in my head (or in the comment section of your blog) and strive to NEVER give out assvice. I judge the people that feel the need to give out assvice. You know who I’m talking about. The people in Target or the grocery store who think they can give you a quick primer on how to raise your children. Asses.
Ok, I’m done. And no, I’ve never tried the V8 Fusion line. It’s good, huh?
Mama DB’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: geek spectrum
yep, you really hit a cord yesterday with that one….good job! I love hearing why Moms do what they do.
Oh, and I have tried the V8 fusion line. Know what I did last night ?(don’t judge, please). Piper wanted “medicine” because she scraped her knee during our walk….I gave her a tablespoon of the V8 (kinda looks like the pink stuff she just finished up for her ear) and told her it was medicine and she should go to bed to feel better. It worked, I am so evil and I love it!
ellinghouse’s last blog post..A mother’s day gift we all can give…
i didn’t comment yesterday b/c i am in your boat. i am always shocked when i see kids out late and wonder why. however i also stopped and thought about the fact that a lot of my friends who work have their kids on a later schedule and i just thought. i am going to keep my mouth shut.
as for the V8, i tried the pomegrante one and it was yum…
feener’s last blog post..And the winner is ….
I judge, although I *try* to keep my opinions to myself, at least if they weren’t asked for or are a part of a conversation that I didn’t (usually) start. But I will be the first to admit that I can have a hard time seeing things from the total opposite side of the spectrum….I try, but it sure isn’t easy!
Also, that smoothie sounds yummy! I might just have to try it!
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Sometimes, I think women are harder on each other than we need to be.
Heather’s last blog post..A Recipe for Summer Boy Fun
I actually felt really bad that my kids or my one kid is up late almost every night. I was almost ashamed to post it, not because I felt judged or anything like that but because I felt like a bad bad parent. My son fell asleep at 6 on the couch last night and was up at 4:30 this morning! And I’m pretty sure his dinner consisted of two bites of pizza and 4 doritos and a juice box. In my defense it was 100% juice!
I think you’re right, the blogosphere has made me less judgmental of other parenting styles. Everyone is entitled, obviously, to raise their children in the way they see fit!
Alison’s last blog post..Short, but Oh So Deliciously Sweet
@heather I don’t think it’s sometimes, I think it’s more often than not.
Can we wimmins just get along!
All of us feel like a bad parent at one time or another! Actually I feel like one at least one time everyday.
I am so tried of people judging me on my blog. Yesterday someone called my husband lazy. The day before I wasn’t classy. Last month, I was an animal hater.
Sheesh.
Who knew that early bedtime is a touchy subject. LOL!
OHmommy’s last blog post..Honestly, I wish I made these things up…
I had no problem with your post Jennifer. I read it as a commentary, not as a condemnation. But I think how we interpret things we read has a lot to do with the mood we’re in when we read them.
My kids love those Fusion drinks!
Have a great day doll.
rachel’s last blog post..Less than Wordless (Wednesday)
Well said . . . I’m definitely guilty of judging, but I find when I have the urge to judge someone else it usually comes out of my own insecurities about my parenting. I’m not looking to condemn their behavior so much as to affirm my own. Now, that doesn’t make judging okay, but it does remind me to just focus on doing, as you say, the best I can for my child and assuming that others are doing the same.
mep’s last blog post..My son wears man-pris, so what?
I’ve NEVER judged. EVER.
*screams as pants catch on fire*
Crap..I mean..RARELY…yeah…rarely.
In all seriousness, you’re right. We ALL judge in one way or another. I try my best not to judge. I have friends that have had all sorts of births. Ive chosen to feed in different ways for each kid. Everyone’s parenting style is different and they have different comfort levels.
One day we’ll all learn to accept the fact that ALL kids can be happy w/ or w/o breastmilk, etc…
But I’m still gonna judge you if you keep your kid up until 11 at WalMart (yes, I’ve seen it plenty), or your 10 year old girl is wearing mid-driff bearing shirts. I can’t help myself…
Sadie’s last blog post..My neighbor the politician…
I judge when I see a 5-6-7 year old with a pacifier. Totally. Oh, and when the kid, no matter how old, has soda in his bottle. TOTALLY. I haven’t read yesterday’s post, though, because I’m working backward in my feed reader (go ahead, judge me!) but I will
Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – FINALLY edition
I am perpetually amazed at women’s talent at tearing each other apart. Are we all really that insecure that we have to break down what everyone else is doing just to justify our decisions and make ourselves feel better. Gaw. . .can’t we just get along! Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we worked together in our sisterhood instead of clawing each other’s eyes out over, well, just about everything? I say that like I’ve never judged anyone, sheesh. . .perhaps it’s some sort of genetic fault we have. .
Sabrina’s last blog post..Wordless Wed: Guess what I’m doing this weekend?
The world would definitely be a better place if we weren’t so quick to judge and snipe and snark at one another.
Damn genetics.
I have noticed that people get VERY defensive when asked about parenting skills. I guess everyone just worried about being judged.
Hell I know I am not a perfect parent. In fact I have made more mistakes than I care to name but without trying to sound mushy, at the end of the day as long as my kid is fed, clothed, happy, healthy and loved well that is all I can hope for.
Marti’s last blog post..Momma ‘ook a pillar
I didn’t find anything offensive..I hope I didn’t come across as DEfensive. Actually, I was a little jealous you could get your kids to go to bed so early! DH and I usually have to wait until bedtime to get any real conversation going (Babyhead loves to contribute to conversations so we end up forgetting what we were talking about), and by then we just want to go to sleep.
With that said, I feel too many women DO judge other women (as well as the whole of society judging mothers) and I think for some becoming defensive is an automatic response. Maybe they have been told or made to feel like they are inadequate in other ways (an anyone say overbearing family??) and not just see judgment in everything around them.
Don’t worry about it.
As for the V*…I would LOVE to try it…but with my gestational diabetes I have to be careful of juices as even if they have no sugar added, they may have too much sugar for me.
*sniff*
Maybe after Babygirl is born….
Sandy’s last blog post..It’s INDD! – May 6th
We all do it and though I try to keep my mouth shut I have a lot of *ideas* of parenting that if pushed I would reveal.One being a kid that has no set bed time and is up past 9.I can’t help it….
I try not to judge too much. I did write a post once about “mean moms” pointed at an online group who claimed to be anti-formula advocates (but at the time-it may have changed since-it was a bunch of people ripping apart moms who formula fed, not a single mention of campaigns or advocacy for the cause). My a$$ stll burns from the flames they gave me for judging them for judging others!! Hehe.
anne’s last blog post..Magic Moments
Yeah I judge, too, inwardly, but I am trying not to do this anymore. It gets harder when the kids get older and are with their friends more and more and these are no longer the kids of your friends, but rather their own choices. So, we see SOOOO many kids these days with no boundaries and no consequences and we look like the big asshole mom and dad who, oh, I don’t konw, make our KIDS STOP and look both ways and WALK their bike across the street instead of darting without looking. I find myself thinking “you are ridiculous” thoughts at parents that let their 3 year old stay up to 11 and the same “you are ridiculous” thoughts for parents that put their 7 year old to bed at 7:00, but “I am ridiculous” for thinking there is any perfect time, aren’t I. So, I guess, I get your point, is what I am saying.
KEEP BELIEVING
Angie’s last blog post..Who cares about….
I can’t count the times when I have thought to myself, “That kid needs a beating!” heh! We all judge other moms and dads, right, wrong or indifferent. I try not to but sometimes I see things that are so wrong, I just have too!
And I am still so jealous of the early bedtimes!
justmylife’s last blog post..Why, yes, I think I might be jealous.
I’m not perfect? WTF?
AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..A Long Time Coming
@amomtwoboys
Well of course YOU are perfect!
Duh.
We are ALL guilty of judging, I guess. Some of us just do it internally instead of externally (for the most part). I have a VERY judgemental friend who constantly critiques my mothering (of my four-month old) soI have to gently remind her that the way we do things fits into OUR family’s life and were not designed to fit into HER family’s life. My baby naps from 7-9, then wakes for a bottle and an hour or so of play, then is down for the count at 10 or 10:30. (and sleeps til about 6am) She was going to keep him for me overnight once, then changed her mind when we talked about his sleep patterns, telling me “That’s just wrong!” Uh, ok.
V8 Fusion rocks.
Jen L.’s last blog post..Shake it up, baby
I think we judge to make ourselves feel better. Our way is right and their’s is wrong. Their way can’t be right or our would be WRONG. I have to remind myself that there can be two or more right ways especially in parenting.
Cassey’s last blog post..Why Party When You Can Watch Others Party?
Jen L, that’s so silly of your “friend.”
A 4 month old that sleeps from 10:30 to 6 am isn’t wrong, that’s a gift!
Before Ella started sleeping through the night, her schedule sounds just like your son’s.
If I recall correctly, you’ve been to Meijer a time or two. You know those carts they put by the door? The BRIGHT and COLORFUL carts they push like dealers in Gary? I call those the bad-mom-mobiles. Just call me Judgey McJudgey Pants. To be fair, I’ve used them. Twice. So I feel ok with my new label.
McMama’s last blog post..Blogging for a Living
121 comments? Sweet fanciful crap, woman!
Wow. People do get all up in arms about the silliest things. My kids go to bed around 8. Sometimes, if I keep the older one up later in hopes that she will sleep in, it always backfires on me.
And about the judging thing? People who say they don’t do it are full of it. I totally do it (more often than I should, I admit). I don’t ever say my judgments out loud, though, and try to reason with my inner critic to not be so harsh with other people.
I think being out shopping at 8:30 is an iffy thing. I’ve known people who worked weird shifts and would put kids to bed around midnight and have them sleep until 10 because of work schedules, etc. Sometimes it’s hard to know the realities of people’s lives an how what we see out in public is a small, often inaccurate snapshot of their parenting skills. Having said this, though, I’ll admit to being horrified at Christmas that there were toddlers in WalMart at 2am.
andi’s last blog post..Keeping you in the loop
defensive? yep, i was and am.
also jealous of people who COULD get their kids to bed at 7 p.m. on a weekend!!!!
the planet of janet’s last blog post..The difference between her and HER, and why I like HER better
WOW. lots o’comments.
i’ve had just over that number of people that have ever LOOKED at my blog…ha ha ha.
but then again, i’m not nearly as exciting as you!
i feel for you on this one…hence the comment, again.
i think there is a certain amount of automatic defensiveness in parenting. we are constantly being forced to defend our opinions and actions with everyone (other parents, doctors, educators). i think we all really need to support one another in the decisions that we make for our family. if we were all the same – the world would be a really boring place (and then we would have nothing to blog about).
i think it is best used as an opportunity to realize that, believe it or not, our kids will survive and thrive and be amazing little people and eventually big people (in their own ways). i’m so guilty of judging…but i’m trying to realize that it only makes me crabby and i don’t want to be that way.
jen’s last blog post..1 year old…
My kids love that V8 Fusion stuff. And its got a full serving of fruits AND veggies! Awesome!
Karly’s last blog post..Underpants and Happy Hearts
Wowee, Jennifer!
No kidding about the comment luv yesterday! (Whether you wanted it or not – ha!)
Yep. Whatever works for you, do it. Totally.
BTW, I must say that I have LOVED catching up with your blog after being away. I got my fill of smiles today.
Mandy’s last blog post..Time Out
121? Cah-razy. I’ve never hit 100. I still say you are totally right in putting the kids to bed early. Sleep experts say before age 3 holding them up to “wear them out” does not mean more sleep but less. Under 3 the more they sleep, the more, they in fact, sleep.
Thanks for letting me celery you!
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..It’s Howdy Doofus Time
With 40 posts, who knows if you’ll read this, but I do have to comment. I see where you’re coming from, and I don’t deny that I judge. That being said, us mothers have to be careful when we see kids out at 8:30 at night. We don’t know what’s going on in those people’s lives. I tell myself that if I start to go down that road, because I am a firm believer that women don’t support one another enough. We have more than enough criticism coming from others that we should be able to rely on women to support us and rally to our defenses. It’s not easy to do all the time, but I think it’s helpful to keep it in mind when we’re about to judge.
Chris’s last blog post..Dear Laundry, leave me alone!
I didn’t comment, because I’m blessed with a good sleeper who, like her mama, LOOOVES her some sleepy time. At the moment, I’m about 3 weeks away from giving birth, so I am usually in bed by 8:30 anyway. She just winds down by about 6:30 pm. No dramas. I didn’t hear any judgement in your post at all. Love your writing!
Sarah’s last blog post..We have CHEESE!!!
I think we all judge in one way or another. One moment I’m surprised by the judgments of one mother, then another mother finds me to be insane for something I find totally acceptable. I think this is kind of the way of women, eh?
imaginary binky’s last blog post..Suri likes the ladybugs
I am one of the least judgmental people I know and yet I still do it WAAAAY more than I should.
Moms in particular can be VERY hard on other mothers. I have always found this sad since they are the very people who know first hand how hard this job is, you know?
Maybe we ALL just need a V-8.
Loralee’s last blog post..At what point do you pick up the phone to report bad behavior to the parents of a child?
GREAT post! I love this line:
I’m not perfect and won’t ever be. Neither will you.
cyndy’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: These Are My Confessions
Strawberry banana is okay, but blueberry pomegranate is AMAZING. It’s sweet enough to make me think I’ve had dessert, but not enough for sugar shock. You can thank me later.
the Mom’s last blog post..from the mouths of babes..
I tried to comment on this yesterday, but your blog kicked me off. Are you trying to ban me?
We all judge. Every single one of us every single day. It’s all part of being human and learning to grow away from it is part of the ride. Whheeeeee!
BTW, how would that V8 thing taste with something like, I dunno, vodka in it?
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..A 17-Inch Life
You are so right on, I find myself LESS judgmental about “big” decisions, like home vs. work, breast vs. bottle, etc… but “littler” stuff like crazy kids at ChickFilA and giving little ones pop out of a sippy cup? Yeah. Drives me nuts. I can be TOTALLY judgmental sometimes.
Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..I like to feel myself up.
Haven’t tried that flavor yet!
About judging – I think we can’t help but judge sometimes. We’re hardwired to notice differences, and we want to believe that the choices we make are the right ones.
But yeah, the more we expose ourselves to others (this has been very true of blogging), the less we judge after seeing what everyone else goes through.
Christina’s last blog post..Did You See The “Mommy Bloggers” On The Today Show?
I am terrible for judging , both in real life and online.
BUT i have got better the last few years, i have been working on it and do understand there are other ways. Just because they are not my ways it does not mean they are always bad
Laura McIntyre’s last blog post..La La La