All the controversy of yesterday’s post gave me butterflies in my stomach. I hope that those us of that disagreed are still friends, I mean, we can’t always agree on everything, right?
These disagreements got me thinking about some friends of ours back in Alabama. Actually, to be more accurate, I guess I should say former friends because they quit returning our calls. I shall call these friends “Melinda” and “Mark.”
Tate is CERTAIN that I said something rude to them, without realizing, and they decided they didn’t want to be friends anymore.
Actually in this case, I don’t think it was anything I said, but rather the fact that we have a VERY different parenting style than Melinda and Mark. When we first met, Melinda and I were pregnant and due a month apart. Before the babies came, we spent lots of time together going to movies and out to eat. We shopped, talked on the phone, and planned future vacations with our families together.
Then I had Carson. And our lives CHANGED. With a colicky baby, we didn’t really like to leave the house much in those early days, especially in the evenings to go out to dinner. Melinda and Mark were blessed with a baby that never cried, never fussed, slept like a pro, did fine without naps, could go to a movie theatre as a newborn, or in other words they gave birth to one of those alien babies you see on TLC’s A Baby Story.
Melinda and Mark would regularly call and ask us to go to dinner. These invitations made me nearly suffer from panic attacks at the thought of being out in the evening during the witching hour. Seriously, the thought of leaving my house after about 4 PM made me sick to my stomach. “Everyone will know what a terrible mother I am when they see that I can’t console my child!” “They’ll ask us to leave because Carson will be disturbing everyone else.” I started declining most invitations or suggesting we go to lunch or that they come to our house…much to their annoyance.
Eventually they quit calling and didn’t return our phone calls.
We stuck to a pretty strict nap and bedtime schedule with Carson (out of necessity), they didn’t. They bottle fed, and Melinda always seemed very defensive about it since I breastfed. On a whim, Melinda and Mark could go for a quick vacation to the beach, I needed time for planning and packing and mentally preparing. I’ve always thought that with our different parenting styles, we just weren’t able to maintain a friendship.
Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever lost friends over different parenting styles? Can you be friends with someone who has very different beliefs and habits?
I don’t have kids, but I do have the chance to observe lots of kids (from all the babysitting I do) and this is what I’ve seen recently:
-Just yesterday, as I was babysitting for a 4 yr old (we’ll call her C), a 2 yr old, and 6 month old, the 4 yr old kept telling me (as I was getting them ready for bedtime, which is 7pm at their house) that her next door neighbor friend, who is 5, “doesn’t have a bedtime” and “A’s parents let her do whatever she wants” and “A gets to have 2 kinds of dessert before bed, why can’t I”. It got old, and quickly. I was constantly defending C’s parents’ decisions to her. Fun. When their parents got home, we chatted for awhile, and C’s mom told me that they didn’t really let C play with the little girl next door any more because of that very reason (C always wanting to copy every bad behavior of the neighbor’s kid, etc.) and that made perfect sense to me. I think that there is a certain amount of difference that is fine, good, and healthy in relationships (be they between mommies, families, what have you) but when one child is being disciplined a totally different way than another, and it starts to create a problem with your kid or your routine, it’s hard, and you have to decide how much of that you can handle before it affects your family negatively.
-I also have known another family (sat for them, friends with them) since their firstborn was 2 (she’s now 10). They have 2 girls now, the 10 yr old and an 8 yr old girl, and they have a complete.lack.of.discipline in their house. For instance, the girls, whenever I sit for them, WILL NOT go to bed until “Mommy gets home and lays with us.” They still do the family bed sometimes, and the girls will not fall asleep on their own; they MUST have Mommy in there laying with them until they fall asleep. It’s ludicrous, and seems insane to me, that girls that old cannot fall asleep on their own.
From all my experiences with different types of families I’ve babysat for over the past 8 years (hardcore “Attachment Parenting” parents to military parents), it has helped me see how I want to raise my own children some day.
I think I’ve veered off subject quite a bit, I apologize. But good post, and it’s a very valid question. I can see from the comments, and know from hearing other moms talk about it, that this is not an uncommon issue to have.
flickrlovrs last blog post..This Is Not My Day (A.K.A. gr$a#gl!(@kssj2JS!(#@!)
Oh yes! As far as I am concerned my kid comes before any friendship. We had friends whose kids were total brats and my husband and I just couldn’t take it anymore so wham …. we stopped the friendship there and then.
http://www.winingandironing.wordpress.com
I had an extremely colicky baby too, and that meant that I rarely went out.
I found it much harder to relate to my friends who had babies who slept through the night (Amy still doesn’t), bottlefed (because the baby seemed less fussy) and just generally had easy babies, because they really didn’t get what a hard time I was having with mine. They didn’t understand that because I was breastfeeding I couldn’t just drop everything and go to a party or out to dinner.
I don’t see much of them nowadays. And maybe I was a little bitter because they all got babysitters and to go out alone and I didn’t.
Veronicas last blog post..A Conversation I Had With Amy
I think it depends on how deep-rooted the differences are. Some things just can’t be reconciled. I had a friend once who believed in buying her sons alcohol for their parties because if she didn’t, they would just get it anyway. I could not respect her after I found that out. Another friend lets her son destroy our house, hit and kick my kids, all kinds of destructive behaviour because she just doesn’t want to deal with it, it’s hard to be friends in that situation too. I think if there are big differences, it’s mighty hard to maintain a friendship.
Mom24s last blog post..I think this turned into a b**** fest, sorry.
I haven’t totally lost friends, but I’ve grown apart from friends because of different parenting styles. I have a friend who has a son that can do no wrong. She has put him on the highest pedestal and no matter what happens, he’s never the one who did something wrong. This gets tough when kids play together. I also didn’t agree with her letting him watch movies like Spiderman (1,2,3) and other violent movies at two years old.
She does other things that are different than the way I do them, too (still breastfeeds him at night – he’s 4 now, and he still has a pacifier all the time), but those don’t affect how he interacts with my children, so those issues aren’t a problem for me.
Christinas last blog post..I’m Laughing, But Not Sure I Should Be
Our child was like Carson. 4 p.m. was meltdown time. We had no friends for the first two years. Now, we are not the type of parents to get a babysitter every single weekend (not an exaggeration), so we seem to have lost touch with our parent friends that were our friends before we became parents…. So absolutely. Lost friends over parenting styles.
Michelles last blog post..The Talk
I haven’t lost any friendships due to parenting styles. HOWEVER, isn’t there always one. There are definitely a few friendships I’d like to see come to a swift end. It’s not so much the parenting styles as the ‘trying to keep up the Jones’ style’. If you have a sick child, theirs is even sicker, if you just bought something new, then they are poor and need sympathy b/c they can’t afford anything. They do and say things about their children purely for attention and more often than not overly dramatize things for attention. These people drive me insane but I’m gradually weeding them out of my life.
Tonyas last blog post..WHAT KIND OF MUMMY ARE YOU?
Honey. You have NO idea.
I’ve lost the same friend TWICE over differences.
First time, shame on her. Second time, shame on me. (For not remembering the first time.)
PRIDE keeps one believing that their way is the one and only right way to do anything.
Different though, is neither right nor wrong. It’s just… different.
My “frenemy” happens to be a control freak – and our relationship only suited her when I was happy to follow her lead.
But once I realized what was best for her wasn’t suiting MY needs (nor my family’s needs) – she was done with me.
DONE.
Black-balled with NO communication whatsoever.
Rejection is painful – but what I have learned is that people’s response most often has EVERYTHING to do with them and NOTHING to do with you.
Sorry for what you have had to suffer…… consider it like dating. You now know what you DON’T want in your next friend….
I wouldn’t have near the healthy personal boundaries I do today had it not been for those painful experiences….
Soliloquys last blog post..Damn Dogs
What’s even worse is when you can’t stand your friend’s kid. That has killed a couple of friendships for me.
slackermommys last blog post..“This baby’s been beat”
I haven’t lost friends due to parenting styles, but I’m still coming to grips with the loss of friends over parenting in general. I’m still a relatively new mom, which means that so many of my friends are still not parents at all. I just don’t think they “get” how life changes. It’s hard. You don’t want to lose the peeps you love, but you grow apart in a way.
Also, you touched on defensiveness (bfeeding…) I’ve really started to wonder why people take something that you do as an offense b/c they don’t do it? (does that make sense?
Jamies last blog post..Funny things I’ve Heard Lately
Yes, I agree with all of the moms who say that this is hard. However, since it looks like my kids are older than many of the others, I’ll add that it does get easier with time. Now that my boys are 11, 9 & almost 6, there are other issues–iPods and Wiis and other kinds of nonsense–but they don’t seem to elicit as deep of a response as things like scheduling babies and breastfeeding. We were big-time schedulers with little ones but, now, in the summer at the lake, you’ll find us making s’mores and enjoying tasty beverages while the kids run around causing mayhem at all hours. (Plus, they SLEEP now, so we get to, too.)
Kirsetins last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Birthday Wishes
I tty think that can kill a relationship. It’s really hard. One of our friendships is kind of on hold b/c the other couple can’t get pregnant. Tough situations.
I had to stop talking/calling/seeing a neighbor who I was close with while we were both pregnant because SHE WASN’T FEEDING HER BABY enough. He would CLEARLY be hungry and she would stick his pacifier in his mouth.
Then she would go off on our country’s chilhood obesity epidemic.
It was just too much for me to take.
(And you know I’m tty with you whenever you need me, Ovaltine, mud slinging, drinks at BlogHer, I got yo back girlfriend! Even if I can’t comment regularly.)
VDogs last blog post..Weekly Winners ~ Father’s Day Edition
So much of this is ringing true for me too I’m afraid. I have plenty of Mum friends with different parenting styles, but what I’m finding what really ruins it is when one person tries to push their views on the other person.
It’s cool if you’re super rigid time-wise because your baby’s fussy, but don’t tell me to follow the same to-the-minute routines because ‘if I don’t my child will have responsibility issues’ when they’re an adult. I’m fine with my parenting style, I’m fine with your parenting style, but I’m not cool with being told what to do in my own home.
Unfortunately this particular, previously long-standing and solid friendship is turning sour. I haven’t let our kids play together in 9 months, and I’m seriously wondering if our adults-only catch ups are even worth it anymore.
What a shame. When we both found out we were pregnant at the same time I was so excited at the prospect of becoming a mother with such a good friend. Unfotunately it just hasn’t turned out that sweet.