Parenting styles and friendships
All the controversy of yesterday’s post gave me butterflies in my stomach. I hope that those us of that disagreed are still friends, I mean, we can’t always agree on everything, right?
These disagreements got me thinking about some friends of ours back in Alabama. Actually, to be more accurate, I guess I should say former friends because they quit returning our calls. I shall call these friends “Melinda” and “Mark.”
Tate is CERTAIN that I said something rude to them, without realizing, and they decided they didn’t want to be friends anymore.
Actually in this case, I don’t think it was anything I said, but rather the fact that we have a VERY different parenting style than Melinda and Mark. When we first met, Melinda and I were pregnant and due a month apart. Before the babies came, we spent lots of time together going to movies and out to eat. We shopped, talked on the phone, and planned future vacations with our families together.
Then I had Carson. And our lives CHANGED. With a colicky baby, we didn’t really like to leave the house much in those early days, especially in the evenings to go out to dinner. Melinda and Mark were blessed with a baby that never cried, never fussed, slept like a pro, did fine without naps, could go to a movie theatre as a newborn, or in other words they gave birth to one of those alien babies you see on TLC’s A Baby Story.
Melinda and Mark would regularly call and ask us to go to dinner. These invitations made me nearly suffer from panic attacks at the thought of being out in the evening during the witching hour. Seriously, the thought of leaving my house after about 4 PM made me sick to my stomach. “Everyone will know what a terrible mother I am when they see that I can’t console my child!” “They’ll ask us to leave because Carson will be disturbing everyone else.” I started declining most invitations or suggesting we go to lunch or that they come to our house…much to their annoyance.
Eventually they quit calling and didn’t return our phone calls.
We stuck to a pretty strict nap and bedtime schedule with Carson (out of necessity), they didn’t. They bottle fed, and Melinda always seemed very defensive about it since I breastfed. On a whim, Melinda and Mark could go for a quick vacation to the beach, I needed time for planning and packing and mentally preparing. I’ve always thought that with our different parenting styles, we just weren’t able to maintain a friendship.
Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever lost friends over different parenting styles? Can you be friends with someone who has very different beliefs and habits?
Oh yeah, been there done that!
And yes, you can be friends with someone with different parenting styles, just don’t EVER go on vacation with them. Trust me, I know of what I speak.
Seriously, over the years I have found though that if our families are friends then we have similar parenting styles. That doesn’t keep me from being friends with other types of parents, but odds are our kids aren’t included in our plans.
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i would say that i have fallen out of touch but not lost the friendships. however, i see people judge me and my strict schedule life. i know they roll their eyes when i say, can’t do that gotta get home for a nap. and yes with my second being colic i would decline ANY thing. i was lucky to get in the shower never mind going out with the screaming child. my friend just had a baby and she is a dream and i watch this little 3 month old hang out in the bouncy seat without a peep…i stare in amazement. b/c i don’t think my child did that more than twice in her first year.
feeners last blog post..Giveaway ! Giveaway !
I don’t have many friends but trying to make friends as a parent has been difficult and I partially blame it on parenting styles and lifestyles.
We are a routine oriented, cookie and Mc Donald’s eating, plastic toy playing family.
Our potential friends are an attachment parenting, organic, wood toy playing family.
Her kids are always trying to steal my kid’s juice boxes!
Connies last blog post..STOMP!
I have been contemplating this very thing. One of my best friends, who has a baby very close to mine in age, does things so very differntly that I find it hard to relate. Oh well.
wrights last blog post..Meme-a-lem-a-ding-dong
So far, it’s worked out OK with my different friends. Our closest friends are the ones I’d worry about. They are stricter about bedtimes, so they’ve declined 7:00 pm baseball games with us, but we’re cool with that. And we’re more on top of teaching Shark about church (we’re all Catholic), while they just want theirs to make it through without having a meltdown, forget learning about it! But so far, it’s all good!
I think “Melinda” should have been a lot more understanding that you had a colicky baby.
amys last blog post..Every Whipstitch
I’ve not lost friends, per se, but definitely grew distant because of different styles. One family was on a very different sleep schedule, which allowed their young son to stay up until 11 or 12 at night. He napped for four (4!) hours every day from 3-7pm, so dinners out with them were not possible since they couldn’t go out until 8pm. They also didn’t wake up until 9 or 10 in the morning, which cut out most of our morning play time.
Another friend was hyper paranoid about germs. They took their kid home from Gymboree IMMEDIATELY and stripped her down and bathed her. No playing in the sand box because they might get sandy. Their 8 month old daughter was already trained to put NOTHING into her mouth. That’s too much pressure for me.
My kids would have been the ones EATING the mud yesterday.
all things bds last blog post..Monster Parents Unite
We can definitely agree to disagree. I’m very lucky to keep the friends I have who know I will always speak my mind and love me anyway! As far as parenting, since mine are grown, the only issue I have is with my daughter’s parenting. She has done a wonderful job raising a happy, healthy toddler who started as a teeny tiny 2-lb preemie but sometimes she is a little too regimented with his schedule. Of course, I never say ANYTHING! I just think it.
Mrs. Whos last blog post..Dear Mother Nature (Again),
Yes and no. I lost friends because they told me I was being to protective…because I wouldn’t let them watch my crawling son (supposedly so I could rest) in an upstairs (read open stairway IN the apartment) apartment while they drank alcohol. I told them that I just wasn’t comfortable leaving him yet somewhere else, but they were more than welcome at my apartment to watch him (which was not only baby proofed but downstairs)…they took offense and stopped talking to me.
Later I found out that one of them is kinda baby crazy…you know, the kind of woman where she would pretend your kid was hers…she stopped talking to me because I wouldn’t let her watch my son she couldn’t play make believe. When I found that out I just kinda shuddered.
*shrug*
Sandys last blog post..36 weeks and counting…
Oh I can’t to see what people say here….
I’m a schedule person. My kids take naps. My kids go to bed around 7 ish.
My closest girlfriend and I are exact opposites in our parenting. We follow each others rules in each others houses… and we relentlessly tease each other too. We respect each others rules - but we certainly don’t agree.
I think it makes for a spicier friendship. We appreciate the other more for accepting our different mothering roles.
Jills last blog post..No Dentures For Daddy
When we had our first, most of our friends didn’t have babies and they didn’t get the nap thing, the sleep thing, the going on a whim thing. It was really difficult and we didn’t get called to do things anymore -they gave up on us. We knew it would turn around once they started having babies and it did. I’m glad that a lot of our friends do have the same parenting style and understand our “structured” routine (ie. napping and sleeping our important to us) - it makes it easier not to always have to explain it.
all my friends have competely different parenting styles. even my two best friends and i are so different. one is SUPER rigid and one is a fly by the seat of her pants girl…and i fall somewhere in the middle. i couldn’t imagine not wanting to be friends with either of them because their parenting is different! i think we’re all in the agree-to-disagree camp.
alis last blog post..worth it. totally.
My boys are teenagers and the friends I hang out with now are all younger with younger kids and ask ME for advice (which I take with a mixture of pride and horror - I’m definitely NOT an expert!!).
However, my mother and I DO NOT SEE eye-to-eye on parenting. Period. In fact, we just had lunch the other day and we were talking about my soon-to-be 16-year old son driving, getting a job, dating, etc. and our views were so completely opposite that we had to change the subject because it was becoming heated and very uncomfortable.
Differing parenting styles is especially difficult and awkward when it’s with family. Argh.
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I’ve seen it happen with friends and family that they’ve lost friends due to parenting styles, but even though its a serious issue, isn’t it a little trivial to lose a “good” friend over?
My parents parenting styles differ from each others let alone their friends, but their good friends have all managed to stick it out and hang on because they value those differences. Several times I think they even learned from each other when something didn’t work.
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I wish I could write my own post about this, but I can’t because “she” reads my blog and would know.
But no.
I desperately want to end a friendship that I have reached my limit with because of parenting styles. I’m sure that just as I think she is way too accomodating, she thinks I am way too strict.
But it makes playdates miserable. I think her over indulged child is a bad influence on my boys and I don’t want him around.
And then the parenting advice she gives me makes me cringe. I don’t want to do it her way. I don’t like her way. And I don’t like what her child is becoming because of her way.
I think we gravitate towards moms most like us, and it’s too hard when you are too different.
Moms get very defensive over “their” way, and I don’t think you can agree to disagree on parenting points and move along.
Maybe when the kids are older, we could re-connect. But for now, I’d love to let things drift away…
Is that horrible?
Danielles last blog post..Potty Mouth, Part II
I think you can be friends. It’s taken me a looooong time to stop comparing myself to other people and then feeling inadequate. I’m not perfect. I love my kids and I try my best. I have SOOO been there.
Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fats last blog post..Adventures in Sleep Disorders (Seriously, see how much less crazy I are)
Kind of. I used to hang out with a girl who had twins. She was kinda weird about the kids. She always left them with her husband and went off. I thought that was odd since she wanted them so much ya know?
I mean sure we all need our space but every night?
So we do not talk.
Ugh- I just read some comments, and I have to say I am envious of those that can “agree to disagree” and still love each other.
I guess I’m not there yet.
At least not with this friend. Maybe the friendship just isn’t strong enough by itself to handle it…
Maybe my other comment was too absolute. And maybe strong, healthy friendships can sustain anything…
Danielles last blog post..Potty Mouth, Part II
I think that having a child and adhering to his schedule has put a strain on the social aspects of my friendships, though not the actual foundation. Some of my friends with older kids or no kids don’t get why I don’t want to spend a weeknight at dinner with them (I work so I wouldn’t get to see my son at all that day) on a regular basis. Or why I don’t want to spend 2 days away from him for a beach weekend (again, as it is, I spend only 3.5 hours with him 5 days a week). Last year I was breastfeeding, this year, well, I just don’t want to miss anything! Friends that I do have with kids all seem to have the same ideas/beliefs about parenting, but I’m not good friends with them or they live halfway across the country, so even if we disagreed it would never be an issue.
annes last blog post..Finding your voice
Yep, it’s happened to me. My friend had a baby about a year after I did and was the worst mother ever. She had no connection to the baby and was just so literal by the book about the kid rather than caring and emotional. Anyway, it got the point that I could not stand to see her with the baby anymore so we rarely see one another.
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Oh yeah, it happend to me–ended badly.
Had a friend with two boys slightly older than mine. They were poorly behaved, picked on/ganged up on my then 3 year old, and their mom was very lax in her discipline and general care of the kids.
They were at our house and the two of them did something to mine to really “trip my trigger”. I told the mom that maybe the boys needed a break from eachother… Argument ensued (mostly on her part) and it ended by her saying “Well, if our boys can’t be friends, WE can’t be friends!” and she left in a huff.
Was it something I said?!?!
She ended up moving out of state and I get reports back from others who knew them stating that the boys are still out of control, so I guess I did the right thing by asking for a “break”.
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i agree with many of your comments that you’ve received.
you can, and should (!), have differing parenting styles than everyone else! (we can’t all be the same…)
and it makes for a good community - we can all help and give suggestions to each other…we might actually learn something. that is, if everyone is open and willing to agree to disagree at times.
but,
what if that “other person” is a relative? now that makes for some odd situations! can’t just not call them back…
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Definately. Similar situation as yours (we both were due around the same time with both our kids) but she’s a really busy person and everytime she called to chat she’d stress *me* out because of everything she was doing and her whole life just ARGH!
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I think it has to do with the temperment of the child. All mine have been like yours. I had a friend who had a baby that she brought to a scrapbooking event in his car seat. The baby had been there 3 HOURS before I even knew he was there. Are you kidding me? Babies come like that? Who knew!
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Okay, here’s my problem…
The only friend’s of ours with kids have very similar parenting styles - I think that’s what happens when we’re all teachers. So - as far as our friends go - we’re good to go (just working on the ones without kids remembering that yeah, we do like to go out, and yeah, we can get a babysitter - just call us, darn it.).
BUT - what about family??? My god - family. Those you cannot pick. Quinn has a cousin who is so poorly behaved and is parents barely do anything at all. Just this past weekend I had to give Q a time-out for going back into a mud puddle and jumping around (these darn mud puddles) after I told him to stop. But it was his cousin (older) that led him into the puddle the second time, who was also told to stop. Anyway, as I’m telling Q why he’s getting a time out he asks if his cousin is going to get one also. And all I could say is, “No, I’m not in charge of making sure he behaves.” And all that happened to the cousin - another reminder not to go in the puddle. Oh - and there were many other instances from that one day that had me cringing. So - how in the world do I give Q a break from his cousin, his cousin that he follows and copies no matter what. It seems that for at least two weeks after playing together I have to re-teach Q what’s appropriate and what’s not. Ahhh.. Okay…sorry for the vent.
I think I gravitate towards moms/kids whose parenting styles are like mine - so I’ve never had to end a friendship because of it. BUT, family…that’s a whole ‘nother story.
Cathys last blog post..Planning a Bug Party Parts 1-4
I never even thought of the family issue…you can’t just quit calling each other…
I have NO idea how I would handle a relative with opposite parenting styles. It would be very stressful and potential for real knock down, drag out fights!
Isnt blogging the perfect example of this? We may have different beliefs on things like bedtime, but I still love you all the way to California and back again. I think that it wasn’t so much a difference in parenting styles in your case here, but a difference in humanity and compassion towards a family that was supposed to be your friend. They should never have stopped returning your calls and should have instead asked what they could do to help you.
Misss last blog post..…
Sure.
And I’ve lost friends with no kids because the JUST don’t get it.
~JJ!s last blog post..Guilty
I think it depends on how different the styles are. I have one friend who is much more strict with her kid than I am with mine, and she’s also very lax with safety stuff. While we differ on these and other issues, we share lots of other things in common so it works.
I have another friend who I was very close to before the babies, but now our kids and our parenting styles are completely different. We still see each other occasionally, but really the friendship should end. It’s hard to talk about our kids when she doesn’t approve of things I do, and I’m rolling my eyes at most of the the stuff she does. We still get together occasionally, but afterwards I always walk away feeling annoyed.
I think it’s easier to keep a friendship together despite differences if it existed before kids. If I meet another mom now with a different parenting style, I generally don’t pursue the friendship because it’s just too hard to relate.
Our problem was we had our boys earlier than our friends. When the boys were smaller it was hard to get out of the door at a moments notice and they quit asking, once the boys got older, the friends had little ones and couldn’t go out, their kids got older and we had Little Miss and it started all over again. So we just grew apart.
justmylifes last blog post..Good Morning All!
I would say that “mommy” relationships have ended because of parenting style. But I was able to remain friends with the woman sans child. I have however not made friends on purpose with someone because I can’t stand the way they parent their child. Is that rude? Probably, but better to be nice from a distance than judge silently up close.
moosh in indy.s last blog post..Avoiding the flies on poo fallout.
Since a lot of our friends were having babies at the same time, it became quite obvious quite quickly who believed in schedules and who didn’t, who was more protective, etc.
I think we still see a lot of our friends but it is easiest to spend time with people who have similar parenting styles to yours. They understand when you have to leave because naptime is approaching. They don’t look at you with pity when put your kid sleep at 7pm.
Fortunately, you can find some pretty funny ladies (Teri and Andi) who you can share your stories with, go for coffee with or just bitch to and you know they will understand where you’re coming from or at the very least, not judge you for the decisions you make.
Jolines last blog post..A year in the making
I can definitely relate to this, as well. When my sons were little, they both were colicky and cried so much. It wasn’t any fun for me to go anywhere, especially not since my husband would leave the care of them for the evening to me. He would even get ill with me when I couldn’t make the older baby be quiet and the younger one, who was in pain, quit crying.
It bothered me so much to try to go places with my kids, not so much because of different parenting styles, but because our kids were so different. Friends’ kids generally were quieter, more easily subdued, didn’t want to run around all the time, etc. One friend was understanding and didn’t mind; another friend told me there must be something wrong with my kids.
It sucks that your friendship with this person has changed through no fault of yours (if you had said something rude, I am sure they would have asked you about it at least once before ignoring you), but honestly? With their baby so different from Carson, there is probably just no way they could understand what an ordeal getting out to do even ordinary things was. Some kids absolutely have to have a pretty much unchangeable routine. There is probably no way they could truly understand, even if they wanted to.
Now that my boys are teens, things are a bit different. All my friends IRL have younger children. I am past where they are with my kids. I am now the one who can easily do pretty much anything I want without having to make a lot of childcare plans, or bringing them with me. I certainly don’t write people off just because they can’t jump up and do something like I can.
Devilish Southern Belles last blog post..So my sneezies weren’t my normal sneezies
I have had similar situations but with relatives as someone mentioned earlier. Both my babies, now almost 2 and 9 months, were very colicky and I absolutely dreaded taking them anywhere for the exact same reasons you mentioned. I still do.
My husband’s sister was the one that was offended that we would not longer cater to her each and every whim once we had kids. She wanted us to drive very colicky newborns to her house, restaurants near her house etc almost an hour away at a moments notice. We always had to go to her, she never came to see us. As much as I tried to explain nicely, all I got was vicious gossip said behind my back from her and MIL. Now, my M-I-L (who lives up north and has no idea of what goes on down here) is convinced that I am the devil.
Anyway, I understand where you are coming from completely.
Back in 2004 I was a single mom with an almost 4 year old. I had a friend that was married but had no kids. When my daughter was with her dad, me and said friend would go out, go to dinner, movies, etc. All the time.
Then in 2005 I met my now husband and got pregnant. Almost immediately the distance started. We still email occasionally, but as of right now I have not actually seen her in 2 years. It’s sad, but I kind of understand. She and her husband still have no kids. They have a very carefree lifestyle and I don’t anymore.
Rachels last blog post..Rebuttal
Well, that depends.
One of the best friends I have is my polar opposite. We work very well together. We compliment each other. We are drawn to each other because we admire the strengths in the other person that we are lacking in ourselves.
We are also both blessed to have a few friends that are exactly like each of us, which is also necessary. (I can only have one or two friends with like personalities. I’m a handful and so I often butt heads and clash for center stage with those who have similar personalities, so I am usually drawn to people who are quite different than I am.)
I think that the big problem with you both is that you weren’t completely aware that you were so different until the kid thing happened. It REALLY changes a LOT of things. (As you well know.).
I think it also has to do with baby temperament instead of strictly parenting styles? If you had a very good natured “Easy” baby, you probably would have been a more flexible, easy-going mom. If she had an overwrought, colicky baby, she may not have been so carefree and easily frustrated by not getting together at nights.
wow. That was long. I suppose I’m trying to make up for my lack of piping up lately by sending you a War and Peace length comment!
Loralees last blog post..Dress rehearsals, thank you’s, “bluve”, and BUSYNESS
I lost a friend because her husband felt my parenting knowledge and confidence was better than his wife’s. It did not go over well. It did not end well.
Alisons last blog post..Doing It Better
For sure.
This other couple we got to know through work (P&D. both my hubby and I worked with the husband - D) had 2 children in relatively close ages to our own. They came over for dinner almost one a week during the summer or us over there. I dont have many female friends so I was eager to get to know someone new. Our babies were all pretty easy going and got along well.
P was a little… stressy… for my tastes. And we did have some different styles of parenting, but a lot were similar! Over time, P’s stressed out behavior just got tiring. Hubby still hung out with D, and he came over now and then so that the boys could play with their toys (both are tech geeks).
I’m sure they wonder what happened, because we did just all fall out of the habit of phoning each other and we havent had them over for dinner for a long time now. I feel bad. I try to be easy going because I know everyone does parenting different. She was sometimes adamant that there was ONE way to do it… and that we HAD to do things the way she did with her oldest. It’s not that I didn’t agree with the way she wanted to do it, but that i HAD to do it. … Sigh
But I also have a hard time making girl friends. My only true gf are a group of 4 girls from High School (12yrs ago!) We try to get together once a month, but we live about 2hrs apart now so its not easy.
I definitely think it’s hard (at least for me) to be friends with people who are radically different from you…and not just with parenting styles. I’ve found it much more difficult to find new friends since becoming a parent - probably more for my own prejudices than anything else.
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It is hard- so hard- I think things swing around though with true pals- it seems the older we get it is harder to be on the level with friends- life is different for all. I hear ya though
amys last blog post..You can see, you can see light
It’s too bad that she chose to distance herself from you. I think, when you’re going through times like this, you really find out who your friends are. Women get so defensive about the whole bottle/breast thing, too! It’s a colossal waste of time. Kick ‘er to the curb!! You’ve got all of us, anyhow.
Kims last blog post..CrazySexyCancer
Not over parenting styles but when my BFF’s husband starting showing his true colors and used the “N” word, not once but twice in one get together, I had to let her go.
We lived in different states at that time, so it was easier to let go, but I still wonder how she is and how she can be with him - which brings me to why I ditched her - she must believe the same! (and I never knew it)
oh I have to comment. I have tons of friends, friends that are way different from me. Friends that hug lots of trees and have a major free spirit about them. I admire them, could never be them.
Ok, then I have this one friend, actually a really good friend. Her kids are Freaking crazy!!!!! I don’t even like to call her because her kid will be screaming into the phone while I try to talk to her (and it’s not because he’s colicky….he’s 4.)
She doesn’t care, she thinks it’s normal. I think it’s rude and if that was my kid there would be some major consequences.
Different strokes for different folks. I’ll still be friends with her, but only hang out on “girls night out” if you know what i mean….
designHER Mommas last blog post..I’m elsewhere….
I’m right there with you. Partially mine was because our BFFs didn’t have kids & we were “boring” after the baby came, but still, I so know what you mean.
Anglophile Football Fanatics last blog post..Leader of the Pack
I think a friendship can be maintained in spite of parenting styles if both parties are willing to put in the effort. I think people make time for what is important to them, ya know?
I lost friends who didn’t have children when I started having mine. They didn’t want to hang with me and my baby and I wasn’t leaving her at home. Maybe I was partly to blame because I was so obsessive with my first and rarely left her, not even with a sitter.
Brens last blog post..Wordless Wednesday - Reflecting
I think it’s a shame to lose friends just because you have different parenting styles…it’s like losing friends because you don’t like their religion or their politics.
That having been said, it’s natural to drift some with differences. A shame, but a fact of life.
Rheas last blog post..My First Catamaran
Oh that Joline is just the sweetest thing ever. And I’ve just noticed there’s another Andi in the comments. Can it be true that I’m not the only one in the world?
Ahem. Back to the subject at hand. I have never lost friends over this, but that’s because I choose not to become friends with people who irritate the ever-loving crap out of me. If someone is so different from me that I can’t see myself having a meaningful friendship with them, I just choose not to be friends with them. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that - I’m drawn to certain people (and yes, I’m drawn to mothers who are similar to me and mostly, please for the love of God, who have a sense of humor about themselves and about life in general) and I may not be drawn to others. I just don’t have time to waste on making friends for friends- sake when I can hang with the awesome likes of Joline and Teri.
andis last blog post..More mouses in my houses
So far I have not lost any friends over difference in parenting styles, but I have had some uncomfortable playdate moments. During one, the mom who was over saw the three different stuffed Elmos we have and asked how my son knew who Elmo was? I admitted the “horrible truth about my lax parenting”: my son, who was 28 months at the time, actually watches Sesame Street. (Of course, he watches plenty of other shows as well, but I didn’t go there with her.) Her son knows Elmo because they have some adhesive place mats with Sesame Street characters on them. The Elmo thing and a few other similar incidents are not a friendship-breakers, but they do give me pause.
I could totally relate to your struggles with Carson as an infant. My son was not colicky, but he was not an “easy” baby. He did not just sit in his infant carrier and sleep or look around. Except for the first two days he was home, he never went through that fabled stage of infancy where “they sleep all the time.” Every time we took him anywhere, it was a total crap shoot (sometimes literally). I read every sleep book on the market and nearly drove myself crazy trying to figure it all out, but he did not settle into any sort of nap schedule until he was like eight months old. Once he started napping regularly, I was extremely reluctant to jeopardize his schedule. There were many times when I felt judged by moms who had “easy” babies, even though I am convinced that so much of your child’s behavior, especially early on, has to do with his/her disposition, not your parenting.
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Yep, this happened to me and it hurt a little, I have to admit. A fairly good friend and I lost touch after I had kids. Later I heard a comment she’d made that I was very strict with my kids and she was ‘all about love.’ Ouch. I didn’t think that was a fair assessment of my parenting…but we did have really different styles. It’s hard.
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Oops. I am the “other” Andi. I’m new here and didn’t realize that name belonged to a regular! Henceforth, I will use my pseudonym, applepiesf. Hopefully there isn’t another one of those too!
applepiesfs last blog post..More excreting news (because I’m sure you’re interested).
It’s happened to me, but it was more drastic in my case. The friendship ended because they thought it was ok (and quite funny) for their child to pull my child’s hair, squeeze their face, and generally pummel and maul my children. Call me crazy, but I found that unacceptable.
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Fighting Indifference
I don’t have kids, but I do have the chance to observe lots of kids (from all the babysitting I do) and this is what I’ve seen recently:
-Just yesterday, as I was babysitting for a 4 yr old (we’ll call her C), a 2 yr old, and 6 month old, the 4 yr old kept telling me (as I was getting them ready for bedtime, which is 7pm at their house) that her next door neighbor friend, who is 5, “doesn’t have a bedtime” and “A’s parents let her do whatever she wants” and “A gets to have 2 kinds of dessert before bed, why can’t I”. It got old, and quickly. I was constantly defending C’s parents’ decisions to her. Fun. When their parents got home, we chatted for awhile, and C’s mom told me that they didn’t really let C play with the little girl next door any more because of that very reason (C always wanting to copy every bad behavior of the neighbor’s kid, etc.) and that made perfect sense to me. I think that there is a certain amount of difference that is fine, good, and healthy in relationships (be they between mommies, families, what have you) but when one child is being disciplined a totally different way than another, and it starts to create a problem with your kid or your routine, it’s hard, and you have to decide how much of that you can handle before it affects your family negatively.
-I also have known another family (sat for them, friends with them) since their firstborn was 2 (she’s now 10). They have 2 girls now, the 10 yr old and an 8 yr old girl, and they have a complete.lack.of.discipline in their house. For instance, the girls, whenever I sit for them, WILL NOT go to bed until “Mommy gets home and lays with us.” They still do the family bed sometimes, and the girls will not fall asleep on their own; they MUST have Mommy in there laying with them until they fall asleep. It’s ludicrous, and seems insane to me, that girls that old cannot fall asleep on their own.
From all my experiences with different types of families I’ve babysat for over the past 8 years (hardcore “Attachment Parenting” parents to military parents), it has helped me see how I want to raise my own children some day.
I think I’ve veered off subject quite a bit, I apologize. But good post, and it’s a very valid question. I can see from the comments, and know from hearing other moms talk about it, that this is not an uncommon issue to have.
flickrlovrs last blog post..This Is Not My Day (A.K.A. gr$a#gl!(@kssj2JS!(#@!)
Oh yes! As far as I am concerned my kid comes before any friendship. We had friends whose kids were total brats and my husband and I just couldn’t take it anymore so wham …. we stopped the friendship there and then.
http://www.winingandironing.wordpress.com
I had an extremely colicky baby too, and that meant that I rarely went out.
I found it much harder to relate to my friends who had babies who slept through the night (Amy still doesn’t), bottlefed (because the baby seemed less fussy) and just generally had easy babies, because they really didn’t get what a hard time I was having with mine. They didn’t understand that because I was breastfeeding I couldn’t just drop everything and go to a party or out to dinner.
I don’t see much of them nowadays. And maybe I was a little bitter because they all got babysitters and to go out alone and I didn’t.
Veronicas last blog post..A Conversation I Had With Amy
I think it depends on how deep-rooted the differences are. Some things just can’t be reconciled. I had a friend once who believed in buying her sons alcohol for their parties because if she didn’t, they would just get it anyway. I could not respect her after I found that out. Another friend lets her son destroy our house, hit and kick my kids, all kinds of destructive behaviour because she just doesn’t want to deal with it, it’s hard to be friends in that situation too. I think if there are big differences, it’s mighty hard to maintain a friendship.
Mom24s last blog post..I think this turned into a b**** fest, sorry.
I haven’t totally lost friends, but I’ve grown apart from friends because of different parenting styles. I have a friend who has a son that can do no wrong. She has put him on the highest pedestal and no matter what happens, he’s never the one who did something wrong. This gets tough when kids play together. I also didn’t agree with her letting him watch movies like Spiderman (1,2,3) and other violent movies at two years old.
She does other things that are different than the way I do them, too (still breastfeeds him at night - he’s 4 now, and he still has a pacifier all the time), but those don’t affect how he interacts with my children, so those issues aren’t a problem for me.
Christinas last blog post..