The way things are
Some days I’m completely at peace with the way things are in my life. I’ve more or less chosen this life, the one where I’m a stay-at-home mom of two kids and I’m a supportive and loving wife. In fact, when I imagined my life while growing up, I wanted to get married, make babies, and cook dinner. My Barbie dolls were forever pregnant, hanging around the Barbie house, driving the Barbie purple corvette, all paid for by Ken.
But with accepting my life the way things are, means accepting that the bulk of home related tasks rests upon my often weary shoulders. It means that I do laundry, and pick up all the water bottles someone leaves all over the house, I plan the majority of meals, I know when we’re out of diapers and Teddy Grahams and soy sauce. These aren’t necessarily bad or unfair responsibilities, but things that occasionally make me feel bitter and overworked.
I hear my husband talk about his career and we discuss his plans for the future. They really are our plans for the future, but with the way things are, it means that I agree to move, uproot our family, and lose my safety net of friends every few years for his career. In other words, I don’t really feel like I have any control over my own future as it’s completely based on what happens to Tate. I haven’t pursued getting licensed as a Speech-Language Pathologist in nearly three years because I’ve been the devoted wife who’s agreed to move twice and put my career on hold to raise our children. But I do realize that the way things are, are because I chose this.
Tate has two business dinners and a softball game this week, which he didn’t have to think twice about since he didn’t need to worry about childcare for his two kids. Of course I’ll be home to take care of them, that’s what I do. I stay home and tend to the children. But when I have an opportunity to go out in the evening with friends or when I plan on going out of town for a little blogging conference, I have to make sure Tate will be home or ask my Mother-in-law to come watch the children. I don’t get to just make plans and go and be free.
I don’t mean to sound like Tate is a modern day neanderthal that comes home and pounds his chest and demands dinner and his woman stay home, care for children. It isn’t that way at all. If I weren’t generally happy with the way things are, he’d be fine with me pursuing my career, though I doubt the household responsibilities and childcare arrangements would change if I were working outside the home.
This is just one of those days when I have a hard time feeling content with my chosen lot in life, despite it being EXACTLY what I always wanted.
I could have written this. I’m right there with you.
Except the moving part. We’re stuck right where we are and in some ways moving would be wonderful.
I can’t wait to meet you at BlogHer!
Headless Moms last blog post..One Hundred Push Ups-Day 3
This sound suspiciously like “be careful what you wish for” and all that nonsense. My reply to the people who say that to me? “I reserve the right to change what I wish for at all times.”
Heathers last blog post..hands free [Flickr]
Yep.
My husband and I talk a lot the way things are right now and the trade-offs we’re making and why. I find that I need to continually recommit to what I’m doing at this point in my life.
Like, OH YEAH! These kids who are bothering me are mine!
It would be a bit easier if there were more breaks, wouldn’t it?
Hang in there…
Stacy (mama-om)s last blog post..We Kinda Like Him, Too
I’m sure so many of us could say those exact same words…maybe once a month…just being honest.
Good day, bad days…even if they were all good I think we’d still play with the “what ifs.” It’s natural and okay. It doesn’t scream, “I’m unhappy.”
Honest post.
Jens last blog post..Caffeine is the New Crack
I know exactly what you mean.
Shamelessly Sassys last blog post..Feeding me Falsehoods
Preaching to the choir. My wife works out of the house and since I work in I’m in charge of most chores and the majority of kid-related stuff. She went to a softball tournament today, followed by a dip in the ocean with her coworkers. Meanwhile I can’t even join a softball league because of her schedule. Frustrating.
Whits last blog post..Another Honea Birthday
Yup. I get that. I stay at home with the bug, and (for now) the Sergeant is in Iraq. And six months after he comes home we’ll move somewhere, and we’ll probably move again three years after that. And that’s the way it goes.
the dragonflys last blog post..Please pass the Excedrin.
I think it’s okay to be frustrated every now and then without it undermining your whole decision to be a SAHM. I anticipate that when i have children (which I plan on staying home with) one of the hardest things to adjust to will be the assumption that I’ll be on kid duty 24/7. I hope I can work out an understanding where neither of us can assume the other will take care of the kids for certain hours of the week, and we’ll have to actively decide who’s “on” together. A girl can dream, right?
Barb @ getupandplays last blog post..If you are a Red Utahn, you’d better vote tomorrow!!
I love you….I feel the exact same way today. I have a hard time remembering that this is my job, not just something i can choose to do one day and not another. I work nights at Sonic 4 days a week until 12:30am and am completely exhausted in the mornings. But I have to remember my husband works 2 jobs (one as a newspaper delivery person at 2:30am) so he’s just as exhausted as me but with no naps.
I told myself today that I was going to start doing a better job at home with the picking up, meals, etc….I’ve been slacking big time.
So glad that I’m not alone out there!
Carrie Funks last blog post..Father’s Day 2008
A. Men. You forgot about when they are called in to work weekends and don’t have to worry that the daycare is closed on Sunday. heh.
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..I’m Just a Twitterho
I hear you, sister, I hear you.
I was also very independent, confident and somewhat of a control freak about my space before kids. This stay at home mom thing is a complete change from anything that I ever chose to do for work…and you can’t walk away at the end of a shitty work day to go your nice, safe HOME, because you’re already there. Confidence is always getting shattered because it’s so easy to second guess your mom decisions. Yep, being a mom is the most challenging job I have ever had.
I find that a change of scenery or giving in to a guilty pleasure from my pre-mommy times helps keep me sane and keeps these days to fewer and further between…for what it’s worth.
MommyCosms last blog post..Post Lay Off Marriage Survival
Exactly. EX.ACT.LY.
pgoodnesss last blog post..nice day for nine
I’ve done the career thing and the SAHM thing on and off for the last 10 ten years. It’s a toss up as to which is more frustrating. My hubby often says that there is no pleasing me… I’m starting to think he might be right.
I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have felt this many, many times. I can also tell you you will look back at your children someday and KNOW that it was worth it, but unfortunately, that doesn’t mean it’s an easy path. (((hugs))) It’s amazing what they take for granted that they don’t even realize they’re taking for granted.
I totally get this. And yes, even if you went back to work you’d still be in charge of knowing when you’re running low of teddy grahams and who’s watching the kids and when. Trust me.
It does get so frustrating - sometimes I feel so bossy because if I don’t tell Mike that x, y, and z needs to get done he just never thinks about doing it - so I spend my time explaining to him what he can do to help out. At least he helps out…
Cathys last blog post..Flashback - Dear Quinn,
I SO hear you.
photomommys last blog post..How’s This for Adorable?
Maybe, maybe not. When I was in law school I was still in charge of the mental lists, etc. Now that I’m working my hubs has stepped up big time, he does the pick ups and drop offs, he cooks the meals, he keeps the mental lists of daycare info, he stays home when random fevers pop up. If you don’t let your husband have any of these responsibilities, how do you know if he can do more than “help out” around the house.
yes yes YES! This is exactly how I feel. Since I work inside the home, I swear my husband views it more like a “hobby” that a real job…..except for the part at the end of the month when I have to turn over the paycheck I collect from my hobby. So not right…
Anyway, at the end of the day I think we are making the right decision. We must just find contentment and rest on that.
Sometime I would really love to get out of the house without the children, but the logistics of that are too much hassle!
Thanks. I needed to hear that this morning. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who is mildly resentful of this whole SAHM thing.
Dis last blog post..OMG, Gross
Every time my hubby leaves to golf for work…every day…I feel the same way. We also have a cross country move looming above our heads, and I feel bad refuses to go…I am in the same boat as you some days.
brittanys last blog post..Intervention
Did you just come into my life and my head and write it on your blog???
I am sure Tate is much like Brian in that he consults you before many major choices and any move, etc. but it isn’t quite the same.
I love Brian. I love his job for him. I love watching him succeed. It just gets frustrating to be on this end with no performance review, constant assumptions put on your head and sometimes thankless allnighters.
I also love, though, that I am not so caught up in Brian’s career. I can’t stand women (in our town, there is a major employer that my husband works for with lots of execs and high mgmt with that employer) who climb the corporate ladder for their husband and talk “shop” at playgroups and tee-ball games, etc. on behalf of their spouses. Ew! Makes my skin crawl.
KEEP BELIEVING
Angie@ Keep Believings last blog post..The pain that never totally goes away
I think no matter what path we chose, we all have days like this.
AndreAnnas last blog post..Chinese
Yeah well, I’m having a hard time accepting the way things are around here…
But then again, my Barbies were always having sex.
~JJ!s last blog post..Who knew I was this exciting?
you put that really well. I think we all feel like this sometimes.
wrights last blog post..No Suspension of Disbelief
Yeah, what you said. Exactly. Which makes me love you even more.
Shellys last blog post..No Forwarding Address
Just so you know, this probably wouldn’t be any different even if you WERE working full time OUTSIDE of the home…..I am still the primary caregiver, grocery shopper, babysitter arranger, the one who stays home if said babysitter can’t be arranged, meal planner, laundress, clothes shopper, shoes shopper, Dr. and Dentist taker, etc. and I work full time.
abunslifes last blog post..Your Life Was Not a Failure
I feel the same way, sometimes, and what I remind myself is that they’re little for such a short period of time - just a few years (and you’re already like halfway through it). 5 or 7 years out of your entire life, out of your entire career, isn’t so much, when you take the long view.
When they’re both in school, you will be able to get your license and work while they’re in school, and be home when they’re not, and you will be back to your “old” self, but better, knowing that you made a huge personal sacrifice and did the best thing you could for your kids when they were small and they needed you most.
My mom stayed at home as much as she could (she was divorced) working weird jobs like hanging wallpaper and teaching typing at Ivy Tech to make ends meet and make sure we were cared for. Once my sister was in high school she started her own business, and now owns about $3,000,000 worth of buildings and property. She owns her own business, and her banker recently said to her, “When I think of successful business women, you’re the first person who comes to mind.” Check her business out at http://www.aberdeenmanor.com
There IS life after children. This is temporary.
Hang in there, I know it’s hard, I’m right there with you.
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
Amys last blog post..Yesterday’s Project
SAHM’s don’t get the respect they deserve. I think an idea every family with a SAHM should have is a regular day out … all day and night and dad has to be responsible for everything. I just finished up my 2 weeks at home while my wife took some morning and evening grad classes. It’s tough to be at home all day and take care of kids.
Knot
Knots last blog post..Quickly
BTW, I stumbled this!
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..I’m Just a Twitterho
I hear you screaming, and I work out of the home part time.
I found I had to have a “come to Jesus” meeting with my husband … and ultimately we decided that he gets a night out and I get a night out. So on Wednesdays, around 6 pm, I pack myself up and head out to do what I want … read a magazine at a coffee house, go to a movie, play bingo. And on Thursdays, he goes out with the boys.
Our marriage has been a lot happier since we both get time off.
This is one of the best posts I’ve read in a long time! So well put.
Christinas last blog post..Baby clothes and baby bellies
“”…though I doubt the household responsibilities and childcare arrangements would change if I were working outside the home.”"
That is the thought that reminds me that I’ve got it good. I wish I could say something more uplifting than “it could be worse” or “I’ll miss this when they’re gone”.
I organized a monthly movie afternoon with other moms, but it is NOT enough. Sigh.
Candys last blog post..Bagging the Bags
yea, but, but, you get to meet ME in, um, 23 days? that’s GOT to make your day, right? right?
alis last blog post..whale of a speech. embarrasing ali story #884
I think that assumption that you (we) are ALWAYS on duty is so hard. And my husband so does not get it.
mayberrys last blog post..20 lousy pairs of scissors
It is normal. I feel that way too sometimes…DH has all this stuff going on and me…I am “just a stay at home mom”. We don’t even have a second car for me to pretend I have a life…I am home all day, every day. It makes me really sad sometimes because I want to be able to go and do things like DH…just the ABILITY would be nice. Sometimes I resent the fact that he can just go and do something and, like you said, doesn’t have to worry about anything because I will be home with the kid(s).
A friend of mine and I were talking about this yesterday. Like you, I chose this and am happy with is most of the time. She isn’t happy with it at all (though her hubs IS a Neanderthal who expects dinner on the table, the kids to be quiet, etc. etc. while he goes and pursues his own activities-Jerk).
Anyway, the way I see it is that this is just a side road, the scenic route. I will go back to school later when my kids are older (I want to go to a ministry school as well as take photography classes) and they at least have friends that can help occupy their time and not need me 24/7.
It is ok to not be satisfied with your life all the time. It is actually completely normal and you don’t have to explain yourself…you are a human being.
And we are all here to listen.
*hugs*
Sandys last blog post..Seven Days
I felt exactly like this when my children were the age of yours. We finally set up 2-3 days a month that he was responsible for the kids. I didn’t always go and do something on those days but I knew that I could schedule anything on those days without all the childcare “planning” that it normally took. It helped a lot.
Now my kids are 11 and 9 and at this awkward age where they really don’t need me as much but are too young to be alone at home. So I feel guilty now that he’s having to work so hard when things are so easy for me. Maybe I should just remember the baby days and realize it all equals out. Eventually.
Ditto, Darlin’. I hear ya, I hear ya.
Spouse got home from work yesterday and had a good 15 minute rant about “his day”. When he asked me about mine I paused. Then realized the most profound thing that had happened to me.
“The baby’s carrots were too runny so I mixed oatmeal in with them and that did the trick…”
Some days I just need reminding. This is my choice.
Clinks last blog post..one week
Oh hang in there! Just having a day… Good luck!
CourtneyRyans last blog post..Is your Google-fu Strong?
I could have written that.
The thing that upsets me is that I do what you do on top of working full time. The husband? No. He can run to the store or here and there and it is EXPECTED that I keep the baby. Not that I mind but SOMETIMES I’d like to run here of there ALONE.
Truer words were never spoken….written.
I feel this way so many days.
I have spent the majority of these past days looking for my teaching license, so that I could possibly, maybe get it renewed and start looking for teaching jobs again. I couldn’t find it anywhere, and it infuriated me! I found anything and everything of Hubby’s accomplishments and records. But mine? Have been on the back burner for quite some time. Yes, this is the life I chose. But sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow.
Mandys last blog post..OkayIloveyoubyebye!
Do I ever hear ya, sista. Moved from Chicago to small town USA to have kids and be near family … but not much Design, the career it took me all of my 20s and a whole lot of debt to settle on, going on in these parts. My choice, but why do I have to ask if he’s available to watch the kids, when he just tells me about an all-day golf outing or business dinner. My sister put it best one time, It’s not that he’s not helpful, just that he considers the day-to-day stuff of child-raising a CHOICE. For us, it’s a never-ending and always immediate obligation.
Suss last blog post..The Stuff of Memories
I think everyone goes through this.
Just to make you feel a little better, I work full time outside the home and all those responsibilities still fall on me.
Despite earning nearly the exact same amount of money, his career is really the “more important one” and his plans usually override any I make.
I still do all the shopping, dr appts, drop offs and pickups at school, laundry, baths, dinner, lunches, etc.
Sort of sucks. But I guess we just get through it…
Danielles last blog post..I Need My Paxil Back
I haven’t commented in a while, but this post describes a lot about the way I’m feeling. A lot. I actually got all angry about it this morning, so the timing was right on. I made the decision to put my husband’s career first even before we got married. Now that I’m not working, I feel completely out of the loop and like I’m in a position with no control. It’s frustrating.
Merediths last blog post..Little Elvis meets Little Bono
Sounds like you are not alone…My mom always says “this is what you always wanted” in a somewhat sarcastic tone every time I complain about the kids…to which I reply “NO, I wanted good well behaved perfect children!”
It’s not easy, no way. The only thing to do is stop and realize how lucky you are, and take a moment to yourself…Go ahead and turn on the tv for half an hour, and write/read/cry do whatever you need…You are NOT alone, and alot of us stuggle…but we get through with the help of others just like us…
Dawns last blog post..Thank you for the Bloggy Love…Bad Language~Beware
I HEAR YOU. There’s so much more I could say, but I’m just going to stop right there.
And also say, I’m pretty sure there’s LOTS OF WINE at BlogHer, and we can drink it and not worry about the kids. Unless they call, crying for Mommy, at 10pm because Daddy can’t get them to bed.
Andrea’s Sweet Lifes last blog post..Free Chocolate! Contest Results
I couldve written this post too. We dont know when we’ll move as it’s totally possible at any time with Johns job.
Stephanies last blog post..If you’ll please look to the left…
It is tough being the one who has to worry about all these things. But I agree with you, if I worked I’d still have to take care of the child and house. I think it naturally rests on my shoulders as a woman. I let my husband have it when he complains that I’m taking too long to get ready, because I have to make sure I have everything that I need plus everything that he needs that he forgot and get the kid ready and get everything the kid needs and get us all out the door and try not to destroy the clean house while I’m whirlwinding around them. Whew.
Mommy Daisys last blog post..Full speed ahead
this is one of those times where I know I have zero to add but have to restate the obvious.
youve spoken what I think often.
ok.
carry on.
that’s it.
Miz.
MizFits last blog post..Tues Tips (sweaty edition)
I am a teacher and during the summer I’m a stay at home mom. I feel this same way all year round. My husband is not a bad person and he’s not forcing anything on me or anything like that. He just doesn’t think all the time. And sometimes I just want to be able to say, “I’m busy tonight and I’m going out. See you when I get back!”
I’m perfectly happy with how life is but I think we all have those days when wish it was a bit different.
Alisons last blog post..I belong to me
I think SAHM and moms who work out of the home feel this way–somehow the responsibility of what’s in the fridge and who’s watching the kids falls on our shoulders.
Personally, I like to remind my husband of the monetary VALUE of the days I stay at home (as a part-time-out of the home worker). When my aunt died of cancer many years ago, my very successful NYC finance-VP had to pay through the nose to have his home and children attended to when he couldn’t be home because of work. Paying for a laundress/housekeeper/nanny/shopper is very expensive. What you do IS worth real money, and you should demand your own nights “off” and arrange accordingly. It will keep your sanity and retain respect in your marriage.
That said, is it easy to do? No way. Do I walk my talk? Barely. But I’d sure like to.
Great post.
Must Be Motherhoods last blog post..Nothing of Interest Here; Just Move Right Along
I could have written this exact post. I love my family, but you are right. There is still a tinge of unfairness in the way it plays out, even though we are doing what we chose to do. You pointed it out exactly too. Softball, no prob, my wife watches the kids, they don’t even have to think about it. But for something we need to do or want to do, we have arrangements to make. IF we worked outside of the home, none of our current responsibilities would change. I am content in my role as wife and mother and realize I am a servant by choice to my family. But, I do have these days too.
One day, our kids will be grown our lives will be different. We will be likely remember the moments with our children, and not of the lone movie we got to see by ourselves that one time. I have to remember this. We are all in this together, aren’t we?
mandys last blog post..prayer really does work…
Just because it’s what you always wanted doesn’t mean it’s always perfect….
Hang in there — I hope that tomorrow is easier!
i hear you ! but the only part i saw was at least hubby IS trying to move up and do better. sometimes i feel like hubby is getting stuck and we will never move up. i would rather your concerns then mine right now
feeners last blog post..My Running Story
You said it sista!
Funny how everyone feels so strongly ( and alike ) with this topic!!
Helens last blog post..Does your dancing show your age ?!?!?
Yeppers! I feel like, right now, I have the best of both worlds…since I’m not slaving at a summer job this year and staying home. It’s weird, though, and I have the utmost respect for SAHMs. I couldn’t do it and stay halfway sane. Plus we still own 2 houses and couldn’t swing it w/o my income.
Molly’s Moms last blog post..True Confession Tuesday - first edition
I feel exactly the same way and I do work. But, there is something about the responsibility of taking care of a family that solely rides on the mother’s shoulders - working or not - we are always the ones that seem to be the one to make the sacrifices. He doesn’t seem to have a problem taking a long boys only weekend to vegas, yet I can’t remember the last time the thought to do anything like that even crossed my mind. Ahh, to be a mom….
Christines last blog post..To The Ladies of the "Gangsta" Accountants
Yes.
I have this same conversation with myself in my head every few weeks. My husband is the same - we will move and move and move for his career.
And he doesn’t understand when I say he is free. He just can’t grasp it.
Thank you for writing this.
Mrs. Chickens last blog post..Laundry List
I think this describes the thoughts and feelings of SO many stay at home moms. Me included.
Devans last blog post..Happy, happy
Isn’t it amazing that when we get exactly what we want, there are repercussions we didn’t dream of? I understand. 100% with you.
Anglophile Football Fanatics last blog post..Date Night & Other Myths of Parenthood
Oh yes. And I assure you, if you worked, most of those responsibilities would still fall your way. I’m in charge of most of the “household” things, and I work outside the house 3 days a week. And I too am not married to a 1950s style-husband, but yet that is the way it’s worked.
Having said that I never have to cut the grass or take out the garbage…
Teris last blog post..Perceptions and a Poll
Between you and her –> http://www.diaryofamodernmatriarch.com/2008/06/vaccinations.html <—
I sware there is a beam in my head and you are all reading my MIND!
But I don’t have to dress to the nine’s everyday for work…or my old police uniform as the case may be, and that is nice.
beach mamas last blog post..As I have said before; PREGNANCY = PIN CUSHION
days like this kick you butt before you even get one foot out of your bed! We all have them, hoping tomorrow is a better one for you
{{{{ gentle hugs }}}}
Tenas last blog post..5 Fab Men, I would like to "Color" with
Been there. Still there…but less. I’ve really come to the point where I just tell my husband that I need a break and plan it. I don’t necessarily ask him