Some days I’m completely at peace with the way things are in my life. I’ve more or less chosen this life, the one where I’m a stay-at-home mom of two kids and I’m a supportive and loving wife. In fact, when I imagined my life while growing up, I wanted to get married, make babies, and cook dinner. My Barbie dolls were forever pregnant, hanging around the Barbie house, driving the Barbie purple corvette, all paid for by Ken.
But with accepting my life the way things are, means accepting that the bulk of home related tasks rests upon my often weary shoulders. It means that I do laundry, and pick up all the water bottles someone leaves all over the house, I plan the majority of meals, I know when we’re out of diapers and Teddy Grahams and soy sauce. These aren’t necessarily bad or unfair responsibilities, but things that occasionally make me feel bitter and overworked.
I hear my husband talk about his career and we discuss his plans for the future. They really are our plans for the future, but with the way things are, it means that I agree to move, uproot our family, and lose my safety net of friends every few years for his career. In other words, I don’t really feel like I have any control over my own future as it’s completely based on what happens to Tate. I haven’t pursued getting licensed as a Speech-Language Pathologist in nearly three years because I’ve been the devoted wife who’s agreed to move twice and put my career on hold to raise our children. But I do realize that the way things are, are because I chose this.
Tate has two business dinners and a softball game this week, which he didn’t have to think twice about since he didn’t need to worry about childcare for his two kids. Of course I’ll be home to take care of them, that’s what I do. I stay home and tend to the children. But when I have an opportunity to go out in the evening with friends or when I plan on going out of town for a little blogging conference, I have to make sure Tate will be home or ask my Mother-in-law to come watch the children. I don’t get to just make plans and go and be free.
I don’t mean to sound like Tate is a modern day neanderthal that comes home and pounds his chest and demands dinner and his woman stay home, care for children. It isn’t that way at all. If I weren’t generally happy with the way things are, he’d be fine with me pursuing my career, though I doubt the household responsibilities and childcare arrangements would change if I were working outside the home.
This is just one of those days when I have a hard time feeling content with my chosen lot in life, despite it being EXACTLY what I always wanted.
I think SAHM and moms who work out of the home feel this way–somehow the responsibility of what’s in the fridge and who’s watching the kids falls on our shoulders.
Personally, I like to remind my husband of the monetary VALUE of the days I stay at home (as a part-time-out of the home worker). When my aunt died of cancer many years ago, my very successful NYC finance-VP had to pay through the nose to have his home and children attended to when he couldn’t be home because of work. Paying for a laundress/housekeeper/nanny/shopper is very expensive. What you do IS worth real money, and you should demand your own nights “off” and arrange accordingly. It will keep your sanity and retain respect in your marriage.
That said, is it easy to do? No way. Do I walk my talk? Barely. But I’d sure like to.
Great post.
Must Be Motherhoods last blog post..Nothing of Interest Here; Just Move Right Along
I could have written this exact post. I love my family, but you are right. There is still a tinge of unfairness in the way it plays out, even though we are doing what we chose to do. You pointed it out exactly too. Softball, no prob, my wife watches the kids, they don’t even have to think about it. But for something we need to do or want to do, we have arrangements to make. IF we worked outside of the home, none of our current responsibilities would change. I am content in my role as wife and mother and realize I am a servant by choice to my family. But, I do have these days too.
One day, our kids will be grown our lives will be different. We will be likely remember the moments with our children, and not of the lone movie we got to see by ourselves that one time. I have to remember this. We are all in this together, aren’t we?
mandys last blog post..prayer really does work…
Just because it’s what you always wanted doesn’t mean it’s always perfect….
Hang in there — I hope that tomorrow is easier!
i hear you ! but the only part i saw was at least hubby IS trying to move up and do better. sometimes i feel like hubby is getting stuck and we will never move up. i would rather your concerns then mine right now
feeners last blog post..My Running Story
You said it sista!
Funny how everyone feels so strongly ( and alike ) with this topic!!
Helens last blog post..Does your dancing show your age ?!?!?
Yeppers! I feel like, right now, I have the best of both worlds…since I’m not slaving at a summer job this year and staying home. It’s weird, though, and I have the utmost respect for SAHMs. I couldn’t do it and stay halfway sane. Plus we still own 2 houses and couldn’t swing it w/o my income.
Molly’s Moms last blog post..True Confession Tuesday – first edition
I feel exactly the same way and I do work. But, there is something about the responsibility of taking care of a family that solely rides on the mother’s shoulders – working or not – we are always the ones that seem to be the one to make the sacrifices. He doesn’t seem to have a problem taking a long boys only weekend to vegas, yet I can’t remember the last time the thought to do anything like that even crossed my mind. Ahh, to be a mom….
Christines last blog post..To The Ladies of the "Gangsta" Accountants
Yes.
I have this same conversation with myself in my head every few weeks. My husband is the same – we will move and move and move for his career.
And he doesn’t understand when I say he is free. He just can’t grasp it.
Thank you for writing this.
Mrs. Chickens last blog post..Laundry List
I think this describes the thoughts and feelings of SO many stay at home moms. Me included.
Devans last blog post..Happy, happy
Isn’t it amazing that when we get exactly what we want, there are repercussions we didn’t dream of? I understand. 100% with you.
Anglophile Football Fanatics last blog post..Date Night & Other Myths of Parenthood
Oh yes. And I assure you, if you worked, most of those responsibilities would still fall your way. I’m in charge of most of the “household” things, and I work outside the house 3 days a week. And I too am not married to a 1950s style-husband, but yet that is the way it’s worked.
Having said that I never have to cut the grass or take out the garbage…
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Between you and her –> http://www.diaryofamodernmatriarch.com/2008/06/vaccinations.html <—
I sware there is a beam in my head and you are all reading my MIND!
But I don’t have to dress to the nine’s everyday for work…or my old police uniform as the case may be, and that is nice.
beach mamas last blog post..As I have said before; PREGNANCY = PIN CUSHION
days like this kick you butt before you even get one foot out of your bed! We all have them, hoping tomorrow is a better one for you
{{{{ gentle hugs }}}}
Tenas last blog post..5 Fab Men, I would like to "Color" with
Been there. Still there…but less. I’ve really come to the point where I just tell my husband that I need a break and plan it. I don’t necessarily ask him if he can watch the kids, I tell him that I’m going on a certain day, evening, etc. Granted, I usually go to the grocery store, or something boring, and I almost always still cook dinner and get them ready for bed, but at least I’m taking the time I need for sanity.
I think even the most successful people in the world get burned out, bummed and question their chosen careers. Why wouldn’t we sometimes?
Jennis last blog post..Verbal Comments are Now Closed
I am a stay at home mom too and I totally get what you are saying. What you are doing does have real purpose but it is without recognition. Jobs have so much validation and recognition. I have come to the conclusion that I am glad for the choices I have made and I really like being a stay at home mom. I like that my family is happy and healthy. I like that my life is relatively stress free and that my schedule is my own.
I don’t really like housework very much or the long hours but otherwise life is pretty good. My husband likes to do all kinds of extra things, like sports and volunteer stuff. I sometimes have to put my foot down and tell him that I need more help around the house and more time just for me. That does seem to help.
Marshas last blog post..You Can Do This
If you lived closer to me I would immediately deploy one of our awesome college student babysitters I told you about when you did your babysitter post right on over to your house!
I’m going to send you an e-mail filled with hugs and rainbows since my comment would be so long I fear I will crash your server.
andis last blog post..How to embarrass yourself at work
LOVE the irony of the last line!
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I know EXACTLY what you mean. Even though I want nothing more than to stay home and be with my kid, I don’t get time off. I don’t get sick days, I don’t get to sleep in (ever), I don’t get to be alone. Just look how many people commented to the same effect here… thanks for posting this – sometimes the most helpful thing is just to know that we’re not alone!
Rachaels last blog post..The New Classics: Top 100 Movies of the Last 25 Years
I’ve been struggling with this so much lately, and will gladly hop on the “I could have written that” bus. Just this evening at dinner, I had to swallow some resentment when hearing the husband talk about his day, his lunch out with friends, how he accomplished something so very important, while the highlight of our day around here was getting four whole loads of laundry done AND running to Target.
I’m so glad you stopped by my blog the other day, otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten to read this and relate so well
Jaynas last blog post..Toss a Little Deja Vu into the Mix
Just because you have chosen this life and have peace about this life doesn’t mean that you aren’t human. We all have our limits. We all have our moments that we experience “not liking” what we normally like or have chosen for our lives. There is a flip side to everything! Thank you for sharing so honestly…you must know that you speak for most women!
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[...] The way things are [...]
I’m there too – sorta. I didn’t really have a “career” before this – I’ve never managed to plan out my future. Never had a vision. But I did think I’d be working. Perhaps that is why I’m always “looking” to do something – to be able to contribute something. It’s always a constant challenge. Mom/wife/maid. Is that all? Yeah, it’s the best job, blahblahblah. LOL
Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near Yous last blog post..Olive Kids is OK with us! (+ giveaway!!)
yep…i could have written this post as well. there are times we just need to vent about things. that’s ok. we’re listening.
natalies last blog post..Dirt road to fun
So true, Jennifer.
We all tire of our lives, at times, no matter how fulfilling they can be. And despite your honesty about being tired, I know you also truly appreciate that you CAN be a SAHM.
And in my house, I’m a full-time WOHM and I still have piles of laundry to do. And cooking. And cleaning. And child-rearing. And I’m fulfilled in my life. And I get tired of it, too.
Thanks so much for your honesty. You know I heart you, right?
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I love, love this post. It is perfect, really. You say it all and you say it so, so well.
TNGs last blog post..Healthy Humping For All My Areas, Starting With The Body.
Well, enough people have been all “AMEN!” “Are you reading my mind?” “It’s like you’re living my life or something!” so I don’t need to type all that out, but that’s what I’d say.
Oh wait, I guess I just did. :0)
P.S. At least you get to GO to BlogHer…hrmph. Because I don’t bring in any of the “family” money I don’t feel like I can push to spend it on something like that. Sigh
Isn’t that kind of the way marriages are? Most of the time they are exactly what you think you want… and then comes the reality that it’s a lot harder than you expected! Then again, if you didn’t have kids and had a “fulfilling” career, it wouldn’t be as easy as you probably might imagine it now…
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I just want to say I feel the same way. I work full time, but my other full time job is being a mother to my five children.
“This is just one of those days when I have a hard time feeling content with my chosen lot in life, despite it being EXACTLY what I always wanted. ”
This says it all. And I think any of us can say that, no matter what our chosen path is. Some days I am content working. Other days I feel like I’d be more content if I was home with the kids. But then I realize if I were home with the kids all day, I probably wouldn’t always be content with that. It’s a vicious cycle.
This is a very well written post.
Robins last blog post..Are you kidding me?????
One of the things I resent most is his doing whatever he wants but me having to ask him if I can go do something. And I work full time too.
amys last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – A Boy and His Dog
[...] wrote this post the other day, which mirrored my life and inspired me to write a post of my [...]
Some days it’s hard to know that this is EXACTLY what I wanted, and some days, that’s the only mantra that gets me through the day.
Some days it even makes me proud and happy knowing that I’m doing EXACTLY what I set out to do.
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I wonder if it is easier or harder to deal with when your collective (hah!) finances are barely enough to make ends meet. I’m forever feeling a combination of jealous and guilty of my husband’s career. I feel like I SHOULD be working, like I would LIKE to have an adult life. But I’m incredibly ambivalent about it all.
But you know, this life being exactly what we always wanted… well, we didn’t really KNOW what it was when we were wanting it, did we?