Some days I’m completely at peace with the way things are in my life. I’ve more or less chosen this life, the one where I’m a stay-at-home mom of two kids and I’m a supportive and loving wife. In fact, when I imagined my life while growing up, I wanted to get married, make babies, and cook dinner. My Barbie dolls were forever pregnant, hanging around the Barbie house, driving the Barbie purple corvette, all paid for by Ken.
But with accepting my life the way things are, means accepting that the bulk of home related tasks rests upon my often weary shoulders. It means that I do laundry, and pick up all the water bottles someone leaves all over the house, I plan the majority of meals, I know when we’re out of diapers and Teddy Grahams and soy sauce. These aren’t necessarily bad or unfair responsibilities, but things that occasionally make me feel bitter and overworked.
I hear my husband talk about his career and we discuss his plans for the future. They really are our plans for the future, but with the way things are, it means that I agree to move, uproot our family, and lose my safety net of friends every few years for his career. In other words, I don’t really feel like I have any control over my own future as it’s completely based on what happens to Tate. I haven’t pursued getting licensed as a Speech-Language Pathologist in nearly three years because I’ve been the devoted wife who’s agreed to move twice and put my career on hold to raise our children. But I do realize that the way things are, are because I chose this.
Tate has two business dinners and a softball game this week, which he didn’t have to think twice about since he didn’t need to worry about childcare for his two kids. Of course I’ll be home to take care of them, that’s what I do. I stay home and tend to the children. But when I have an opportunity to go out in the evening with friends or when I plan on going out of town for a little blogging conference, I have to make sure Tate will be home or ask my Mother-in-law to come watch the children. I don’t get to just make plans and go and be free.
I don’t mean to sound like Tate is a modern day neanderthal that comes home and pounds his chest and demands dinner and his woman stay home, care for children. It isn’t that way at all. If I weren’t generally happy with the way things are, he’d be fine with me pursuing my career, though I doubt the household responsibilities and childcare arrangements would change if I were working outside the home.
This is just one of those days when I have a hard time feeling content with my chosen lot in life, despite it being EXACTLY what I always wanted.