Yesterday’s post straight out of 1950 where I play the perky, but sometimes discontent housewife got me thinking about our roles as women these days.
Somehow my train of thought led me to start thinking about the wedding of a friend, actually the wedding where I met Tate, where my girlfriend’s part of the vows included saying that she promised to love, honor, and obey her husband. I remember being utterly shocked. Obey?? Really? It was 1998, not 1898.
After the wedding, (not right after, more like a year or two after) I asked her why they included the word “obey” in her vows. She said she hadn’t even realized that and joked that really it should have been her husband who promised to obey because we all knew who REALLY wore the pants in that family.
I’m just going to go ahead and throw this out there that this was a Baptist wedding. Me not being Baptist, I have no idea if this is common practice, or if it’s common amongst different types of Baptists and not others. I also have no idea if other religions include this in their vows, though I’m certain it’s not just a Baptist thing. My Methodist wedding vows did not include the word “obey,” which is a good thing because I wouldn’t have been cool with saying that.
In my opinion, I cannot fathom vowing to obey anyone. Conversely, I wouldn’t want someone to vow to obey me. (Well, okay, I sorta would.) It seems very outdated and has been outdated since the last century. I am aware, though I don’t fully understand that the “obey” part of the vows is not only said, but also adhered to for some. Saying that is in no way meant to be judgmental, but since it is not a part of my reality, it’s hard for me to comprehend.
I’m curious if your vows include the word “obey?” If so, what did you think about it?
I know this topic has the possibility of starting a firestorm in the comments because we may be discussing faith based, personal issues, so I just ask that whatever your opinion, please respect other’s viewpoints.
My first marriage was in a Baptist church and yes, they did say “obey”. Believe me, my ex took it literally. There was no compromise. It was all “his” way. Well, I finally did things MY way and left his ass after 4 years of his drinking and abuse. They also said “I pronounce you “MAN” and wife, instead of Husband and Wife. Not sure why, but that rubs me wrong, too.
My current hubby and I got married at a small ceremony performed by a judge. He was AWESOME. He said “Love, honor, and Cherish”. He also had us look into each other’s eyes and think about what we wanted our marriage to be and gave us a moment of silence. (and he pronounced us “husband and wife”. It was beautiful.
Robins last blog post..Are you kidding me?????
He had to obey me but not me obeying him! Just kidding! Absolutely no obey anywhere in our vows! My parents were married in the early 70s and they didn’t have obey either!
Alisons last blog post..My Heart is Full, too
I am not going to even pretend I read 102 comments so if I am repeating someone else, I thoroughly apologize, because I am breaking about 42 blogger’s etiquette rules right there. I did want to share though that as often happens when reading Scripturally-based passages, we frequently interpret the language by our current definitions and not the way they were originally intended. I remembered the homily given during my brother’s wedding (we are Lutheran) and the basic focus was on the vows. I remembered the pastor covering “obey” but couldn’t quite bring up the way he explained it that really changed my thinking of its use in a Christian wedding ceremony. I did a quick Google search and found this post which I will share a tiny piece of here but is worth reading if you’re curious for more, especially what this whole “obey” thing also means to the husband:
The root of “obey” in both New Testament Greek and in the Latin of the early Western Christian Church comes from words meaning “listen.” The somewhat old-fashioned word “harken” (as in “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing”) comes closer to the intent of Scripture-based obedience than does the concept of slavishly following a master’s every whim.
Harkening means listening intently and with purpose. Christ calls His Church to hang on His every word because all He says and does is good for His bride. This ideal is the model for the wife, also — especially since her husband is charged with loving his wife “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Anyway, I found this explanation to make far more sense & be far more palatable than the connotation of “obey” that simply comes across as “I am in charge & you must bend to my will.”
Dawns last blog post..And I Quote: June 26, 2008
We actually were married on the beach, by a secular officiant, and wrote our whole wedding ceremony (not just the vows…WHOLE THING) to avoid any dogmatic religious views we didn’t agree with.
I personally would never agree to “obey” my husband. And I would never expect him to “obey” me against his better judgement. We are both feminists who feel that women are equal to men and men are equal to women. When you put “obey” in a marriage, you are necessitating one partner has final authority over another. This is not equality. I feel that we are equal partners and equal people in our relationship. We work towards the same future. We honored each other by taking each other’s last names, so we have a hyphenated Last-Name. I particularly relate to muslim’s mom’s comment about fluidity and partnership in a relationship.
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I have heard of obey, it’s part of traditional vows. When we wrote our vows, we took several sets of vows I found and meshed them together, and you bet your butt the obey part was removed!
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I had a Baptist preacher at our wedding, I was given the choice of obey or cherish, I jokingly refused to say obey. I just really liked cherish better.
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Dude. I was at an OBEY wedding once. I think the bride saw my jaw drop to the floor. It’s only slightly less moronic than a wedding my sister attended where the priest actually told the bride that she had to satisfy her husband in the bedroom or risk him going elsewhere. Seriously.
So, nope. No OBEY in my wedding. Then again, I wrote the entire ceremony and vows so I guess that’s not surprising.
andis last blog post..Be careful what you wish for
We had one of those hippy-dippy California weddings where we wrote our own vows and were married by a (Irish Catholic) lesbian friend of ours. She was a bigger “believer” than either of us!
Warrior gave her one condition: absolutely NO mention of God in the ceremony.
So yeah, no “obey.”
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WOW you got 800 thousand comments. We (I) wrote our ceremony, down to the minister’s words and our vows. So NO, there will be no obeying. Though we did promise to meet each other again after reincarnation.
My mom and step dad are the “man is the head of the household” types. I don’t remember if their vows actually included “obey” but that’s the practicality. My mom likes it that way. I think she doesn’t have to think so hard about things when he’s in charge. She claims it’s a partnership, but he just has kind of a superdelegate vote. I guess we kind of have that, too, only it’s more even. When it comes to matters of our home & kids, I’m the superdelegate. When we’re talking about the car, he’s the superdelegate. Otherwise we try to work out a consensus.
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Okay, so I’m totally late but I have to comment. We got married at a chapel with an internet-ordained reverend-slash-realtor who said something about my husband “TAKING A BULLET” for me. Yup. And I was too damn cheap to have it videotaped so I will never relive that shocking moment again. It was awesome. Needless to say, we hadn’t rehearsed or anything. . . greatest thing ever!
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Unfortunately, I think the real meaning of the term “obey” has been lost over the years of using this. I’m not even sure when these vows were first started being used. But even if “obey” does mean “do what I tell you”, how many couples actually follow this vow anyway? lol
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