How I narrowly escaped becoming someone’s bitch in prison

July 19, 2008 | Filed in: Uncategorized

Airports make me irrationally nervous.

First there’s the issue of POSSIBILITY that my boarding pass, ID, wallet, and carry on baggage could suddenly evaporate into thin air. Every few seconds, I obsessively check to get visual confirmation that some unknown force has not suddenly taken my valuable possessions and made it’s way to Tijuana.

Then there’s my sudden inability to understand the English language rendering me completely unable to follow directions for getting in line to board the plane and instead of lining up in the B 31-60 line, I’m all standing like a fool in the A 1-30 line while everyone else is all “what’s that woman doing in our line” and then I’m all embarrassed and foolishly bumping into people as I try to get out of line and everyone is staring at me like I’m some kind of wart on society.

I worry that some ninja laptop thief is going to sprint full speed up to me, swipe my laptop and disappear into a crowd of people, while I clumsily chase after the person yelling for help and while onlookers smirk at my misfortune.

Missing my plane while I’m in the bathroom is another thing that freaks me out, so instead of going pee, I just hold it. And then I won’t drink water because I don’t want to have to pee even worse than I already do.

Luckily NONE of the above things ACTUALLY happened…except for holding my pee, OBVIOUSLY I didn’t want to miss my plane that would be taking off in 2 hours. DUH.

But one of my fears is unknowingly packing something the TSA has banned, like by some magical force I could accidentally pack a nuclear torpedo in my carry-on. I mean, I’m already nervous about not following the directions of putting my carry-on items in the bins properly or accidentally setting off the metal detector because I forgot to remove my belt, I certainly don’t want to draw attention to myself for having my stash of weapons of mass destruction detected.

So when the TSA agent told me they were going to have to open my bag and search it, I tried to act all nonchalant, but really I was scared to death they’d find the drugs/weapons/sex toys.

Instead they found a pocketknife. In my laptop bag. That I had packed all by myself. This wee pocketknife suddenly looked like a machete.

The TSA agent hefted it out of the bag and my jaw dropped to the floor, my face burned red, and I started stuttering and begging for mercy.

“Uh, uh…I, uh, don’t, uh, even KNOW how that got in my bag. Please, mister, have mercy on my soul! I have two small children at home. Don’t send me to prison! I’m not a terrorist!!” (I didn’t really say the last four sentences, I just added them for effect.)

He was kind and told me that we wouldn’t have to call my husband to bail me out of jail…this time.

And that’s how I narrowly escaped being arrested and sent to clink to become someone’s bitch.

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That’s funny…and sad too because I am the same way and no refuse to fly for that hassle. If I can’t drive, I ain’t going.

Have a good weekend!

Sandys last blog post..Updates and Funnies

I’m the same way when I fly.
Also - did they keep the knife???

Cathys last blog post..Who Needs BlogHer Haiku?

Well thank GOD they didn’t get your drugs or sex toys.

I know you are having a BLAST! Please have a drink or four for me!

Jamies last blog post..What Happens At BeerHer, Stays At BeerHer

Since 9/11 everytime I have flown I have been stopped for “extra” security checks. My blond hair, green eyed, pasty self must appear as a terroist. I seriously am not joking. I use to think it was my last name, but my husband never gets stopped. I am talking the whole take you to the side, find a female agent and pat you down check. And no the metal detector did not beep. I always warn who ever I am traveling with that they will have to wait for me on the other side, becasue I will be stopped. They usually do not believe me. Then when I finally appear from that cubical, my travel companion is laughing their butt off at me. I asked one day why I am always stopped. The guy told me my ticket was marked for a random search. I think I am on some watch list.

Laurens last blog post..Yay, AFRo!

At the airport a few years ago, the chick found and took my brand new bottle of $13 ky. I was more angry than embarraced.

Glad you escaped.

In the days before any sort of terrorist attacks, after walking through the metal detector at the San Jose Airport, which I set off, I was told I had to take the barrette out of my hair because the little man who was manning the detector decided that was the only thing that could be setting off the detector.

I said there was no way in h-e-l-l that I was going to take the barrette out of my hair and he could stuff it.

So he said okay and let me through.

Ah, those were the days.

PS: Check out Johnny Foley’s Irish Pub (a block or two away from Lefty’s) and Gold Dust Lounge on Powell (very small, very divey, but when the band starts playing, it’s just too much fun). : )

Janines last blog post..New design: Meet Artemis, an elephant.

I do hate to fly. I am always amazed by who gets stopped and who doesn’t.

That’s funny. I also constantly check to make sure my boarding pass is where I put it. Totally paranoid.

Rachaels last blog post..SYTYCD: Top 10 Results Show

I haven’t flown since all the changes in security. Well, let’s be honest, I haven’t flown since Giggles was 2, so that was 11.5 years ago. I didn’t mind it, but I do prefer driving better. I loved my cross country trip from Orlando to San Diego…good times!

Glad he didn’t cart you off to jail. What were you doing with a pocketknife in your laptop bag anyhow?

Heathers last blog post..Because she told me too….

We used my husband’s lunch cooler to pack the baby bottles and stuff when we flew last summer. We left from Newark, got to FL, spent the week, and on the way back, in a little podunk airport, they found a steak knife in the baby’s bag. A big one.

That was fun explaining, but what’s worse is that they didn’t even check the baby’s bags in Newark once I told them there was formula in it. And the x-ray machine apparently failed to notice a GIANT KNIFE.

Glad you’re no one’s bitch.
AndreAnnas last blog post..Censorship

Oh crap! I totally freak out when I have to travel too. I had my bag searched last time and it was only because I had so many different electronic devices in it they couldn’t see everything, but a pocket knife, Holy Crap Woman! I’m glad your not gonna be anyone’s bitch. Seriously they probably wouldn’t let you post while incarcerated.LOL.
Glad your not behind bars!

Glad you didn’t get sent to prison.

I love traveling and am usually relaxed. But when we went to China to adopt Bunny, I was a total freak show at the airport. I accidently left a small scissors in the diaper bag that Bubs carried through security in Nanchang. When he was stopped I took off running with Bunny. I figured I’d get her to the States first and then bail Bubs out of jail. But they only confiscated the scissors so we were all lucky.

Renees last blog post..The One In Which I Vow to Reduce the Size of

I haven’t flown since 9/11…sometimes I’m seriously glad I haven’t. I’ll pack something without even thinking about it being on the watch list and hauled away, I just know it…

But…eventually I’ll have to fly. I need to see my BFF and my family at some point…some day…if I win the lottery I’ll fly again.

And I’ll probably end up like you, with sewing scissors instead of a pocket knife *G*

oh but think of the blog posts you could have done from prison!

I haven’t flown in ummm 13 years now, so I know I’d be a total basket case when it came to going through security. For that reason, I probably wouldn’t take ANY carryons LOL I’d just buy my shit whenever I was going LOL

Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near Yous last blog post..Friday Five (again!~)

First of all love the header.
Secondly You have listed all of my fears about traveling to a tee.
The flying part itself is a breeze.

Jeans last blog post..Party Crashing

I too have all the above fears.
Also I have fears of a wicked hangover.
So I am home.. vicariously reading about Blogher and fully hydrated.

why are you carrying knives ?? and how is blogher

feeners last blog post..Anxiety winner

I was going to say “me too, me too,” but that’s already been done now. Hmm…

I do the holding-of-the-pee thing, too. What’s terrible is that I think my anxiety about hopefully not needing to pee on the plane (’cause really, what’s worse?) actually makes me need to pee more. So I hold it in and don’t drink anything else and end up dehydrated and headache-y by the time I’m back off the plane. Stupid, huh?

Kias last blog post..Playdate From Hell

at least you got a return flight…you can always good arrested on the way home. good luck, think of it as a blogging opportunity.

DesignHER Mommas last blog post..bickering over books

I have been singled out for extra security checks several times since 9/11. Apparently I fit some kind of profile although I”m not exactly sure what that is ….. hmm ….. short plump Jewish girl?

Hope you’re having a great time!

tulipmoms last blog post..All About the Boy

I remember those long ago, halcyon days when I’d carry a pocket knife (actually something remarkably similar to a switch blade) so I could strip cables when trouble-shooting massive computer networks.

Hope you can get your knife back!

Happy Saturday, Barbara

Barbara Ling, Virtual Coachs last blog post..57+ Tasty Resources for blog NEWSLETTERS, aWeber, autoresponders etc. you MUST see

Oh my! I’m glad they didn’t keep you!

Every single time that I fly with my kids, I am treated like a terrorist and it pisses me off! I have had every kind of baby related item taken from me. Yep, that diaper cream is a bomb. Idiots!

I hate flying…..

This is a rule and I put my foot down!

You may NOT go to jail without me.

The End.

Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..My Husband Thinks I’m A Prostitute

did he let you keep the knife?

Marshas last blog post..A World in Which Bad People Do Not Exist

Glad no jai time in your future. Did you wear your cute red shoes yet?

Post Of The Year! Huzzah! (Okay, that was completely unnecessary, and slightly nerdy. I apologize. One should never say ‘huzzah’ unless one is at a Renaissance faire).

Annnnyways. Back to reality. Having just flown myself last month, and having the same psychotic OCD worries about flying and airports as you, I can totally relate.

Hope the flight home is peachy. And you really should pee at the airport. You don’t want a bladder infection, do ya? Poor thing! Although, shhh, I do tend to make sure I’m sitting at my gate like 2 hours before. You never know…

flickrlovrs last blog post..A Poll & A Retraction

So funny! And yet, imagine what fabulous blog posts you could have written from prison!

Marinkas last blog post..The Kids Stay in the Picture

Ya, but did they find your sex toys? All of them?

Knot

Knots last blog post..Let’s Suppose

Do you think maybe your previous post’s sentance “slightly drunk and have been up for nearly 24 hours” might have had something to do with the pocket knife showing up in your bag…? Just sayin’.

Lollies last blog post..The Light At The End Of The Tunnel, err, I Mean Projector

You’ve clearly struck a chord here with all the “me too’s” And now here’s mine: I fly 2 or 3 times a month (for the last 10 years) and I still try to act nonchalant as my stuff rides on the belt through the XRAY so that they won’t “go through my stuff” because I acted guilty instead of nonchalant. Why do we do this? Have we seen too many movies?

Margarets last blog post..Motorcycle Diary of a Madman

Ill spare you my ME TOO!!! and just tell you that if they (the big they. the royal they. the blogher they) gave an award for best post title youd always win.
me? Im bucking for WORST.

MizFits last blog post..Cue the PROTEIN SHAKE SHAPED confetti!! It’s MizFit’s birthday and…

I have the same fears too. The airport ones, not prison. Now that I think about it…quiet cell, no children, someone feeds me…prison actually sounds kinda good…

Amy@UWMs last blog post..She’s Baaaa-aaaaack!!!

OMG you are crazy!! LMAO. Why did you have that in there in the first place silly?

Misss last blog post..Haha

I know what you mean…Last time I traveled, they took my Shu Uemura eyelash curler!

Nap Wardens last blog post..McSwayze!

Once in 2002, when my son was three, we were going through the security check and for some inexplicable reason he said, “We don’t have any bombs!”

I have NO idea why he said that. He wasn’t allowed to watch the news, we never talked about stuff like that; I don’t know that I’d ever heard him utter the word before, let alone use it in such a context.

After a flutter of apologies and some preprimands from the agent, we were allowed through.

SOOOOO nice meeting you this at BlogHer. On the train home I had to whip out my iPod to drown out the sound of someone smacking and cracking their gum crazy loud. I listened to an archived BOOB podcast…so fun!

Christines last blog post..If I can bake bread, anyone can

Yeah, I put it there to mess with you. And so you would have something to blog about.

You are welcome.

Oh and I wanted to play you in the movie dammit!

Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaaa

Phew. Glad to hear you made it back ok. I had to give the little manicure set from our swag bags to my friend in SF because I didn’t want to check a bag, sadly.

(I think we met momentarily at the Ruby party. I was chillin’ with Heather from the Spohrs.)

Nanettes last blog post..Picture this

I once tried to take a hammer through security. That went over just about as well.

Dawns last blog post..A couple of props to a couple of BlogHers

Thanks for the laugh - that was hysterical. Flying today is a bit of a nightmare due to all those restrictions - heavens an old lady can’t even take her bloody knitting on the plane anymore …

wendys last blog post..Home sweet home

My husband did that once. He had left some kind of small machete looking thing in his military bag and unknowingly tried to go through security. They just let him go back and put it in his suitcase (he could still see it from the security line). I had already gone through with the kids and I could see them questioning him and I was totally freaking! I can imagine how you must have felt!

PS. My fear is that I will go into the bathroom and leave my boarding pass on top of the toilet paper dispenser!

I am adding you to my blogroll.

Thank goodness it was only a pocketknife…

I thought you got physical with one of the security guards at the airport…And they cuffed you.

Good thing.

I’m so glad I’m not the only one with irrational fears of flying and airports. I also obsessively check my bag for my boarding pass and such while I’m sitting & waiting for my flight. Too funny!

Dang, didn’t you get lucky?

Those TSA people are more unforgiving than that! At least with me
Slicks last blog post..I’m Back!!!!!!!

Phew! I thought you were going to say that they found your sex toys and we all know THAT would have been BAD!

That about sums up my fears. I haven’t flown alone since all the new security was put into place. I think I would be a mess. Luckily my husband has always been around to calm my fears (or bail me out of jail) if needed.

i hold my pee when i fly too.

so glad i got to meet you…didn’t get enough time. you = awesome

Snicker. I am the same way. I usually sit on my bag so someone would have to physically remove me to steal it.
I am always a nervous wreck at airports. It’s awful. Glad you made it back safely!

Other than the refusing to pee thing, I’m just like you in the airport. Oh, and I haven’t accidentally packed a knife…yet. OH! But I did use too large ziploc for my cosmetics once and got the stink-eye. They told me as much but let me and my large baggie through anyway.

Narrowly escaped that one, didn’t I?

Lucky me.

Added. Nice work on this one. Btw, my blog is dofollow, stop by and grab a link. Walter

My BF decided to pack full size lotions in her carry on. They ransacked her stuff and threw it all away. If she’d had a knife I think they might have tackled her!

Glad you didn’t experience too much of a hassle. And being someone’s bitch is never fun.

I did tell you how great your hair was at BlogHer right? If not, it was. It was so great.

Marias last blog post..Stop Hatin’.

I remember when we flew back from Hawaii once when my boys were little, this was before 9/11 airport hoopla, but they were very strict about not bringing any vegetation back from the islands.

They scanned our bags and asked me if I had packed fruit in my luggage.

“No.”

Well, I got home and was unpacking when I found the (undetermined fruit species) that my son had found floating in the ocean and kept for a souvenir AND PACKED IN THE SUITCASE.

I felt like I had probably brought back some virulent strain of SOMETHING that would kill all the corn in the fields here in Indiana, then it would spread all over the country thus causing famine in the entire world.

So see, I’m like you, I worry too much and overract a tad
Have the T-Shirts last blog post..When it Rains, it Pours

Close call, TERRORIST!

Tonis last blog post..Two vs. One

I feel the same way. And what’s worse, knowing that they now have face-reading specialists watching for potential criminals, I’m doubly worried about looking guilty of something, which I think I always do.

Nice to know I’m not alone out there.

You know, if they HAD found your sex toys…you’d be in jail right now right?

I too am one of those peeps who always looks guilty even when I’m not. It’s ridiculous.

You had sex toys all weekend and didn’t share?

How selfish.

Amy in Ohios last blog post..To blog or not to blog…um, what was the question again?

It was so great to meet you! Other than holding my pee, I’m with you. Prior to 9/11, and when I was in my 20’s and tended to get MORTIFIED by almost anything, I had the unfortunate experience of having my sex toy taken out of suitcase and turned on by several Italian luggage checkers in Italy. I wanted to DIE - I’m sure they thought it was very funny. And in Burbank, California, I forgot about a sample of mace in my purse when I walked through security. I got escorted to a small room and interviewed for a long time. That was my narrow escape from being someone’s bitch in prison.

Jennifer Taggarts last blog post..Does radon gas increase risk of childhood leukemia?

I’m glad it turned out the way it did but I personally think you could have made the orange jumpsuit look fierce!

Worker Mommys last blog post..Why stores should just stick to playing Muzak

[...] How I narrowly escaped becoming someone’s bitch in prison [...]

Phew, okay…you got lucky! But had you gotten to prision you could have a kick ass blog about it! LOL!

Green & Clean Moms last blog post..Green Etiquette 101

OMG, even though I’d already heard this story it’s even funnier the second time around. And here I thought it was embarrassing being caught with scissors. I’ll post about it soon. Glad I’m not the only dumbass who left contraband in her luggage.

andis last blog post..The first of many BlogHer posts

Try landing at Houston International airport on a flight from London and going through baggage and customs with another flight landing from Bogota, Colombia. There were dogs sniffing around than at the Westminster Kennel show!

Louises last blog post..Layered Cold Crab Dip Appetizer Recipe

[...] Eventually we found each other and got lost several times. Sadly, we are far too much alike and were hopeless when it came to finding anything. During our adventures I found out that she too was an unintentional terrorist-in-training. [...]

I can totally relate. I get so nervous about the airport. I always arrive way earlier than I need to be. I would rather sit there and read a book for three hours than somehow miss my flight. I’m always nervous about my id, getting through security, and making my flight. I also refuse to drink anything because I don’t want to have to use the bathroom on the plane.

Once the security people asked me to step over to this class box. They didn’t tell me what they were going to do or anything. I get into this box and they suddenly hit me with a super strong blast of air.

Come on! I’m short and a red head and I’m carrying a book and a small purse. Honestly do I look like I was building bombs in my spare time (that’s what they are blasting you for, to check for bomb residue)

Jennifers last blog post..Where I have been

My only brush with the airport police was being sniffed for drugs on the way home from a conference. I was staying in a bit of a dodgy motel so I almost expected the sniffer thing to screech that I was carrying illicit drugs and then I’d be hauled off in handcuffs to be frisked and have a *shudder* cavity search.

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I'm Jennifer, Mom to Carson, 3, and Ella, 1. Wife and Bossaholic to Tate. My claim to fame is that I'm the #2 search result on Google for "kids pooping in pools!!." You can follow me on twitter, see my stumbles at StumbleUpon, view my photos on Flickr, and contact me by email.

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2008 Booklist

~~Pillars of the Earth~~ B-
~~East of Eden~~ A-
The Kite Runner
~~Memory Keeper's Daughter~~ C+
Water for Elephants
~~Nineteen Minutes~~ B-
~~HP and the Deathly Hallows~~ A++
~~Running W/ Scissors~~ A
The Rabbit Factory
Waiting for Birdy
~~Life of Pi~~ A
~~Outlander~~ A
~~Dragonfly in Amber~~ A-
~~A Tree Grows in Brooklyn~~ A+

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