Airports make me irrationally nervous.
First there’s the issue of POSSIBILITY that my boarding pass, ID, wallet, and carry on baggage could suddenly evaporate into thin air. Every few seconds, I obsessively check to get visual confirmation that some unknown force has not suddenly taken my valuable possessions and made it’s way to Tijuana.
Then there’s my sudden inability to understand the English language rendering me completely unable to follow directions for getting in line to board the plane and instead of lining up in the B 31-60 line, I’m all standing like a fool in the A 1-30 line while everyone else is all “what’s that woman doing in our line” and then I’m all embarrassed and foolishly bumping into people as I try to get out of line and everyone is staring at me like I’m some kind of wart on society.
I worry that some ninja laptop thief is going to sprint full speed up to me, swipe my laptop and disappear into a crowd of people, while I clumsily chase after the person yelling for help and while onlookers smirk at my misfortune.
Missing my plane while I’m in the bathroom is another thing that freaks me out, so instead of going pee, I just hold it. And then I won’t drink water because I don’t want to have to pee even worse than I already do.
Luckily NONE of the above things ACTUALLY happened…except for holding my pee, OBVIOUSLY I didn’t want to miss my plane that would be taking off in 2 hours. DUH.
But one of my fears is unknowingly packing something the TSA has banned, like by some magical force I could accidentally pack a nuclear torpedo in my carry-on. I mean, I’m already nervous about not following the directions of putting my carry-on items in the bins properly or accidentally setting off the metal detector because I forgot to remove my belt, I certainly don’t want to draw attention to myself for having my stash of weapons of mass destruction detected.
So when the TSA agent told me they were going to have to open my bag and search it, I tried to act all nonchalant, but really I was scared to death they’d find the drugs/weapons/sex toys.
Instead they found a pocketknife. In my laptop bag. That I had packed all by myself. This wee pocketknife suddenly looked like a machete.
The TSA agent hefted it out of the bag and my jaw dropped to the floor, my face burned red, and I started stuttering and begging for mercy.
“Uh, uh…I, uh, don’t, uh, even KNOW how that got in my bag. Please, mister, have mercy on my soul! I have two small children at home. Don’t send me to prison! I’m not a terrorist!!” (I didn’t really say the last four sentences, I just added them for effect.)
He was kind and told me that we wouldn’t have to call my husband to bail me out of jail…this time.
And that’s how I narrowly escaped being arrested and sent to clink to become someone’s bitch.
Have the T-Shirt
July 22, 2008 at 7:45 am
I remember when we flew back from Hawaii once when my boys were little, this was before 9/11 airport hoopla, but they were very strict about not bringing any vegetation back from the islands.
They scanned our bags and asked me if I had packed fruit in my luggage.
“No.”
Well, I got home and was unpacking when I found the (undetermined fruit species) that my son had found floating in the ocean and kept for a souvenir AND PACKED IN THE SUITCASE.
I felt like I had probably brought back some virulent strain of SOMETHING that would kill all the corn in the fields here in Indiana, then it would spread all over the country thus causing famine in the entire world.
So see, I’m like you, I worry too much and overract a tad
Have the T-Shirts last blog post..When it Rains, it Pours
Toni
July 22, 2008 at 9:53 am
Close call, TERRORIST!
Tonis last blog post..Two vs. One
LiteralDan
July 22, 2008 at 11:46 am
I feel the same way. And what’s worse, knowing that they now have face-reading specialists watching for potential criminals, I’m doubly worried about looking guilty of something, which I think I always do.
Nice to know I’m not alone out there.
MadWomanMeg
Twitter: MadWomanMeg
July 22, 2008 at 11:57 am
You know, if they HAD found your sex toys…you’d be in jail right now right?
I too am one of those peeps who always looks guilty even when I’m not. It’s ridiculous.
Amy in Ohio
July 22, 2008 at 1:41 pm
You had sex toys all weekend and didn’t share?
How selfish.
Amy in Ohios last blog post..To blog or not to blog…um, what was the question again?
Jennifer Taggart
July 22, 2008 at 2:32 pm
It was so great to meet you! Other than holding my pee, I’m with you. Prior to 9/11, and when I was in my 20’s and tended to get MORTIFIED by almost anything, I had the unfortunate experience of having my sex toy taken out of suitcase and turned on by several Italian luggage checkers in Italy. I wanted to DIE – I’m sure they thought it was very funny. And in Burbank, California, I forgot about a sample of mace in my purse when I walked through security. I got escorted to a small room and interviewed for a long time. That was my narrow escape from being someone’s bitch in prison.
Jennifer Taggarts last blog post..Does radon gas increase risk of childhood leukemia?
Worker Mommy
July 22, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I’m glad it turned out the way it did but I personally think you could have made the orange jumpsuit look fierce!
Worker Mommys last blog post..Why stores should just stick to playing Muzak
Reverting to my old standby of ALL CAPS!!! And EXCLAMATION POINTS!! | Playgroups are No Place For Children
July 22, 2008 at 3:46 pm
[...] How I narrowly escaped becoming someone’s bitch in prison [...]
Green & Clean Mom
July 22, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Phew, okay…you got lucky! But had you gotten to prision you could have a kick ass blog about it! LOL!
Green & Clean Moms last blog post..Green Etiquette 101
andi
July 22, 2008 at 9:10 pm
OMG, even though I’d already heard this story it’s even funnier the second time around. And here I thought it was embarrassing being caught with scissors. I’ll post about it soon. Glad I’m not the only dumbass who left contraband in her luggage.
andis last blog post..The first of many BlogHer posts
Louise
July 23, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Try landing at Houston International airport on a flight from London and going through baggage and customs with another flight landing from Bogota, Colombia. There were dogs sniffing around than at the Westminster Kennel show!
Louises last blog post..Layered Cold Crab Dip Appetizer Recipe
Common sense and impeccable timing: I have neither « Poot and Cubby
July 23, 2008 at 9:03 pm
[...] Eventually we found each other and got lost several times. Sadly, we are far too much alike and were hopeless when it came to finding anything. During our adventures I found out that she too was an unintentional terrorist-in-training. [...]
Jennifer
July 26, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I can totally relate. I get so nervous about the airport. I always arrive way earlier than I need to be. I would rather sit there and read a book for three hours than somehow miss my flight. I’m always nervous about my id, getting through security, and making my flight. I also refuse to drink anything because I don’t want to have to use the bathroom on the plane.
Once the security people asked me to step over to this class box. They didn’t tell me what they were going to do or anything. I get into this box and they suddenly hit me with a super strong blast of air.
Come on! I’m short and a red head and I’m carrying a book and a small purse. Honestly do I look like I was building bombs in my spare time (that’s what they are blasting you for, to check for bomb residue)
Jennifers last blog post..Where I have been
Bec
August 3, 2008 at 2:43 am
My only brush with the airport police was being sniffed for drugs on the way home from a conference. I was staying in a bit of a dodgy motel so I almost expected the sniffer thing to screech that I was carrying illicit drugs and then I’d be hauled off in handcuffs to be frisked and have a *shudder* cavity search.