Four Days Gone
“The children were angels,” I was told.
Four days gone and not only were they angels, but they made all sorts of developmental strides. Prior to my departure, Ella was content to crawl, following along behind me to every room. At some point during my four day absence she decided that she would prefer to walk with the assistance of a hunched over adult and index fingers. She also decided to add more nummy chub around her thighs, making her annoying repeated requests to WALK MORE more palatable. But still…how can she go and change on me in those four short days?
Coming home to Carson, I found a boy who has suddenly started this new slow blinking/nodding yes thing and asking to wear big boy underwear. These developments are both adorable and disconcerting. Who IS this child? He’s not the boy I left just four days before.
The return home and return to my life that is the mundane has been difficult. Saturday night, I desperately missed my kids and our routines. Arriving home too late on Sunday, I did not get to see their sweet faces and smell their freshly washed hair before bedtime. Quietly I crept into their rooms to catch a glance of them, peacefully sleeping and eagerly awaited the next morning when they would awaken.
Fours days gone and I expected a joyous welcome from my two children, whom I was certain missed me terribly. I imagined they’d put their arms around my neck, squeezing extra tight, their love seeping through my pores. I imagined Carson saying how much he had missed me and telling me how happy he was that had finally arrived home.
Monday morning I was met with a daughter whose first tooth seemed minutes away from erupting from her obviously tender and red gums. Nothing I could do the entire day made her happy. My long awaited reunion with my son was quickly squelched by my asinine suggestion to eat breakfast. Screaming and tantrums abounded the rest of the day, ending in a triumph for Carson as he pissed on my shoulder while wearing his big boy underwear.
My husband’s reply when I told him about my day was, “Really? Ella was so sweet the entire weekend and Carson didn’t have any tantrums. The children were angels.”
Four days gone and my children were better behaved with me gone.
It’s now Wednesday and I’ve been home for three days. I think I’ve lost every shred of patience that I had, sadly thinking that my four day respite would have upped my reserves. I’ve had to put Carson on the naughty step too many times to recount, sweep purposely dropped cottage cheese off the kitchen floor, and wash many a pissed soaked shirt and shorts. I keep hearing the voice in my head that tells me that I’ve grabbed Carson’s upper arm too sharply. The same voice seems to be yelling all the time.
I feel angry and cheated that my children, whom I have devoted (and WILL devote) years of my life, didn’t even seem to miss me. Worse, they seemed to do better with me across the country. Bitter pill to swallow to admit that I’m dispensible. Even more bitter is the pill for admitting that this makes me feel angry and cheated.
Perhaps I should go away for four days ALONE more often to balance the “unfairness” that is my life?
Oh honey. It sucks to have your expectations be crushed (my boyz are quite good at it too.) I totally know what you mean and how you feel. Working full-time has kinda been a slap in the face, in that my family functions just FINE w/ me being gone. It kinda hurts.
That sucks…that is what it was like for me when I got home from the hospital having Podling…was gone for 3 nights and 4 days Babyhead was a terror the first few days at home and DH and I were constantly sending him to his room (I had a c-section so it was doubly stressful for me!).
What it amounts to is that Carson is acting out because you were gone for so long and he now wants your attention…even if it is “bad”. Try telling him that if he wants your attention then he doesn’t have to be bad, just ask. It has helped a lot with Babyhead…he is still acting out some, but he is quicker to ask us for attention than just being a brat.
Sandys last blog post..Happy 3wk Birthday to Podling!
So sorry, it always seems to be this way!! Just remember though, that they are so good and becoming so independent because of what a great mommy you are!!
Shannas last blog post..
I think it should be mandatory for all stay at home moms to take one weekend off, every 3rd month. That way, it would be considered a part of our “job,” so we wouldn’t feel guilty. We’d just be fulfilling our job description. Also, our kids would think it’s normal and not act like jackarses when we return. What do you think? I should write up a bill or something…
Kias last blog post..Occupational Therapy and My WalFart Boycott
Mine do this on a daily basis. THey’re home w/ dad for 2 hours before I get home from work. Apparently, all hell only breaks loose when I get home! It’s the old saying about how you treat those you’re closest to like shit bc you know they’ll still love you anyway.
Loris last blog post..I GOT THE JOB!!!!
I ALWAYS get crapped on literally and figuratively when I get back from work trips and did you read my post today about how shitty our vacation was with the kids? We had good parts which I posted about yesterday, but honestly it was harder writing about that, when all I could think about was how often I cried and how many times I put my daughter in time out and yelled at both of them and at my husband for yelling at them just the same as I did……not fun at all. Sigh. I wanted to go back to work and just say to hell with it. But we get our big girl britches on, and keep doing it, because we love our children and when they hug us and give us kisses and say I love you mommy it makes it all worth it.
You know what? Just yesterday I wondered aloud if I was the only BlogHer attendee whose kids decided to act like maniacs when their mother returned home.
From what I hear, they were AWESOME while I was gone. My Bachelor’s Degree in Child Development tells me that it’s because they feel the most comfortable with their moms. So they store it up and can finally melt down when you get back. See, they don’t feel SECURE enough to act like that when you’re gone. Believe it! You were missed.
My boy wouldn’t even wave goodbye to me this morning and that broke my heart! So this, this would crush it into tiny pieces of bitter sadness.
Janines last blog post..Dumbstruck by Barney.
I’ve been there too…..and honestly I know it really hurts!
First off, are you sure your husband is telling the truth? Look into that. He might be exasperating his super dad status.
Secondly, if you need to get away again, let me know, I’m game for running away any day!
Sometimes I threaten with “you will miss me when I’m gone”, but I’m not so sure it’s true…
wow, I sound like such a bad mum.
designHER Mommas last blog post..my {love hate} with urban dwelling
Isn’t that just the way it ALWAYS is?
Kendrawolfs last blog post..Part 6: Saudi Arabia
always amazing to me how much more behaved they are with OTHER people! It’s because they are more comfortable with mommy…Mommy who?
Not that I want my children to give my husband any real problems when I leave (I do…I really, really do) but I wish that they didn’t make my job seem effortless. And then of course there is the fact daddy is a complete novelty at this point for them, as is the running of the household for him, so that everything is like a new adventure. We mothers come home and then it’s back to same old, same old. Not fair.
rachel b.s last blog post..interrogation
Aww hon, that stinks. Hopefully things get a bit better this week.
Heathers last blog post..Who Am I ???
Hugs to you Jennifer!
You get all these expectations of how the kids will be so joyful on your return only for it to all slap you in the face.
I would/could tell you it will all get better, but that may or may not be true. Just remember they really do love you and don’t take it too personally.
Jeans last blog post..Please Tell Me You’ve Done This Before..
welcome to being the mom. they ALWAYS save their best for the best.
plus, just so’s ya know, for them, any attention is attention — good, bad or indifferent. i never have understood the value in bad attention myself, but then i’m no longer under the age of 5 either.
the planet of janets last blog post..Number, please … and no, she doesn’t have ours
As others have said it just means that they really missed you! Ok, that’s what I had to tell myself every time I used to go pick up the kids from the sitter after work and Starfish would have a literal meltdown in my arms, only to reach for the sitter and immediately calm down, looking at me from the comfort of her hug with a “you evil biatch” accusing stare.
Hope things get back to normal soon - Hugs!
Plus - they have 4 days of making up to do
BlueBellas last blog post..That’s NOT Applejuice!
Same thing with my kid. She decided to start rolling over for the first time. And she didn’t throw up once, which is shocking since she has reflux. And she ate every bottle at every feeding and blah blah blah perfect. But I don’t know if I believe it. I mean, when I was a babysitter I would always tell the mom the kids were good. So what I’m saying is maybe Tate is totally full of shit, and they were beasts, but he wants you to think they were awesome.
Or maybe I’m the one who is full of shit. Sigh.
heathers last blog post..In The Face of Fear, True Beauty
Yeah, it kind of stings doesn’t it? But here’s the thing, they trust you more than anybody else and that is why they can be absolute buttheads with you and not with anybody else. It’s true!
As a single mother, my son is away from me one or two days a week while he’s with his dad. I miss him terribly, but after a hug filled reunion of about oh, twenty five SECONDS, it’s back to business as usual. The business of me feeling too cranky and him pressing my buttons.
And then me subsequently feeling like I fail Motherhood.
perhaps and perhaps I should join you?
Lemme know when and where. I think 7 day stretches may up the reserves a little better than 4, what do you think?
Sorry it’s been rough. Paybacks, though..you know how that goes.
mandys last blog post..Remember that request?
Could it be that he is slighty (greatly) exaggerating the truth here? I mean, he may not want to be feeling inadequate you know? I highly doubt that the minute you left for San Fran, your normal children were replaced with Stepford children.
You are an exceptional mother. Please dont doubt that. *hug*
Misss last blog post..Haha
Oh sweety, they didn’t REALLY do better without you. They’re just acting out because they missed you, and Mamma’s get the short end of the stick because our kids KNOW we’ll always be there, no matter how crappy they act. They’re beyond comfortable with us, which gives them the ability to act that way, and it speaks to the fact that they know the depth of our love.
Either that, or they just want to piss us off and make us feel bad. But I’m going with choice #1.
Rachaels last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Tats!
My daughter had her first sleepover at her Grandma’s this weekend and when the morning came, I was more than prepared to go pick her up. Imagine my shock when I arrived and she barely looked up from playing with her toys. I had been waiting for that moment, sure that she would run toward me with arms open. Not so much…
Merediths last blog post..Love
It never fails to amaze me that my children are more behaved with other people than myself. One day they will appreciate you, sigh, one day.
Christys last blog post..A day at the beach
Maybe someone above already mentioned this but my first thought was that your husband’s standard of what an “angel” is is probably lower than yours and my second thought is that your children TOTALLY missed you and showed it by their bad behavior - they were punishing you for “abandoning” them, and that was the only way they knew how to show it. They’re not old enough to properly express feelings they might not even understand themselves.
Margarets last blog post..Add THAT to Your ToDo List and Smoke It
Mine are ALWAYS angels when I go away - they sleep in, nap for 4 hrs and never make a fuss.
Pisses me off to no end.
I tell myself it’s all lies.
Teris last blog post..Mostly Monogomy, with Socks on the Side
Seriously, how come kids are better behaved for their fathers/grandparents? I swear, they only do it to ruin our credibility when we complain.
Veronicas last blog post..Wits End
It’s bullshit. My kids pull the same crap with me and I hate it! They are angels for everybody else and little demons for me. Life as a mom, I guess.
Scary Mommys last blog post..Let’s Go To The Movies
The first night back, we went to SIL’s house for dinner because I like to punish myself I guess. Whiile there, P wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence and seemed to be attached to SIL’s hip. As if to say, ‘yeah, you’ve been replaced’. Ugh, painful.
But since she’s been vomitting for the last 24 hours, I’m back to hero-status.
You’ll never be dispensable to them - ever. You’re mommy, and regrettably, you’re probably the only person they feel secure enough with to be their absolute selves around - the good, the bad and the pissy.
My friend told me that once, her kid was all peaches and cream at daycare each day and by time she was with him each day his good was spent, she got the crappy leftovers - the real kid so to speak.
It sucks, but normalcy will return and then you’ll be dying to come to Cincy and have a break, right?
Amy in Ohios last blog post..To blog or not to blog…um, what was the question again?
When Mommy’s away, they are afraid of what people will tell her when she comes back. When she comes back it’s “Free to be ME” time.
lceels last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Yep, I got the “Your kids were angels,” stuff said to me, too. All four of them attacked me from every direction. We hugged. We cried. We missed you SO MUCH. Etc… And then it was back to the same old, same old. Such is the life of a mommy on the edge ;o)
There are way too many comments above for me to read them and see if this has been said before, but they say children act out more around the people they feel most comfortable around. Similar to the reason my husband is the only person in the world I feel like I could tell to suck a dick when I’m pissed off.
When I bring my daughter to her dayhome or she has a sitter, they always tell me how wonderful she is with them. And it makes me want to video tape her at home and make them SEE what a demon spawn she can be!
AndreAnnas last blog post..Quick boob update
My guess is that they DID miss you. They were probably confused (especially if you’ve never disappeared before) and angry. I’d not be surprised if they’re acting out because you “abandoned” them and they’re a little mad about it. Of course, that’s grown-up speak for something they undoubtedly feel as just a huge amount of *cranky.*
Also, kids don’t like their routines to be disrupted. While they might have been fine for daddy while you were gone (the *actual* disruption), there was bound to come a breaking point. I’ve had days where I was fine or seemingly fine until I wrapped my arms around my husband and bawled. He was a safe place to let go. You are a safe place for your kids to release their tension/confusion/anger. [/psychobabble]
McMamas last blog post..Haiku Friday - The Dance
And this is when online friendship just doesn’t cut it. I would really like to just be there and give you a hug. And a vodka tonic.
canapes last blog post..A little kindness goes a long way
I could have written these exact words, and have been lamenting out loud to husband, parents, in-laws… you name it… about this going on right now in our home, too. I was out of town much of last week, baby girl was wonderful, cuddled with Daddy (she’s NOT a cuddler), was wonderful at school and had a fantastic time with the grandparents. No longer, my friend!
My mom has a theory (or she’s just blowing smoke up my ass) that because I am MOM, she can be as nasty as she wants to because I’m not going anywhere. No matter how horrendous she is. With others, she’s a bit on better behavior.
I don’t know if I buy it.
Susans last blog post..Joining the fight
I think your children are so relieved that you are home that they are acting out. It’s pretty common and it also means that you are a pretty great mom and they love you. It just doesn’t feel like it.
( I have 7 kids, been there, done that)
I know this is repeated info, but it’s true.
1. Kids punish us for leaving, they just don’t know how to verbalize it, so they hurt us through meltdowns.
2. Dads don’t want us to think they can’t handle it, so they downplay everything. Also, they don’t want us to worry.
3. It sucks but it will get better. Just think, someday, our kids will be teenagers and will LOVE when we leave so they can throw a raging kegger.
I don’t have kids, so I can’t truly commiserate. HOWEVER, my husband was obviously a neat freak super cleaner while I was gone, and now that I am back? He is a total pig. I find this totally frustrating. He only cleans up when there is no one else to do it.
slynnros last blog post..My Tuesday, In Photographs, or Why I Love the Internet
Hi Jennifer - so nice to see you!!
I’m sorry about the disappointment, but I think it says a lot about these children’s mommy - that they are sure of themselves - confident - strong!! And - that they have a strong home environment that they we at ease even with their mommy gone. I have had this same thing happen to me with my kids - on more than one occasion - sometimes it’s the age or stage they are in.
Take care and I hope to see you again soon - Kellan
Kellans last blog post..I’m Sorry - I’ve Been So Busy Lately!
I think you suffer from an acute case of high expectations. Lower your expectations all around, and life will surprise you happily. For example, expect your son to pee in your eye and the shoulder shot will seem delightful.
lauries last blog post..Who-ha: What it id and what it ain’t.
Do you think they really were, or was Tate trying to make you feel better? I think a break for you is good. You know it is. The kids adore you. It could be payback for leaving?
Anglophile Football Fanatics last blog post..Just another Manic Monday…err Wednesday
Take it as a complement.
Kids only misbehave and let it all out when you come home because they feel safest with you. They know how you will react.
It’s really a good thing. It shows you ARE a good mom.
After Hourss last blog post..Thursday Thirteen ~ 2nd Edition
I think our kids’ job is to remind us we have asinine ideas and abusive tendencies. How else can we grow?
I’ve only been away two days from mine -who are only a few months older than yours- and they fell apart the moment I walked in the door. What a damper on the dreamy reunion. I like the comment about lowering expectations. Supurb idea!
Definitely try alone the next time. I’m going to!
Nice post.
Kim
I’m sure there is tons of great advice above. Just want to say that I hear ya loud and clear. My brood was perfect while I was away, too.
However, most children will do this when their regular stuff is screwed with. Mine are older than yours and believe me it REALLY helps when they get more vocabulary. They can say “I just want my mommy!” and your heart will melt.
You are not dispensable or replaceable, my friend!
Headless Moms last blog post..An Award, of Sorts
Hi there…
I am so glad you stopped by…I wanted to visit your blog but I forgot the name and I have a stack of cards to go through! Children change so fast….I can’t imagine them not needing you…I tried to give my son a bottle/sippy cup with milk and he is REFUSING! My mother tells me he took a bottle/sippy cup without any problems for her…go figure!!!
Caryn Bs last blog post..BlogHer in the Real…
I’ve been thinking lately of all of the times I had a crappy attitude towards my mother. Now that my kids are old enough I can make them pick up their own messes and Parker whines about it, wanting to know why HE had to clean up, um, his own mess and how I’m suppose to do it. (he’s such a little man-pig) It made me feel totally taken for granted, but then I realized I used to think the same thing about my mom. Kids are crappy to their moms.
Take more four days alone to make up for it!
Hello. This is the first time for me to see your site. Your children are gorwing and growing so quickly! I have three children 6year old boy,4year old boy,2year old girl.They are angel,too, but sometimes problem…
please visit my site. It is written in Japanese but show pictures.
http://baratchfamilykidspets.blogspot.com/
baratchs last blog post..water pool of the Kindergarden
This is the same way I’ve felt coming back from every other trip…desperately missing and feeling completely dissed.
This time, though, my 3 year-old lit up like a Christmas tree when she saw me Monday Morning. Seriously, first time EVER.
So, know things will change soon…although it is kind of nice knowing you can go away and the world doesn’t fall apart. More justification for girl trips!
KCs last blog post..The After Post
Trust me Jenny…they missed you! I was SO worried that we would “break your kids”. You and Tate have done such a great job with them. They really were good kids . That is proof that you are a great mother. All kids do the same thing (Tate and Kate too) They are good as gold till you walk in the door…then all hell breaks out! I think it’s in the kid manual!!!! I’m sorry that this has been a bad week. I hope it won’t keep you from asking us to stay with the kids again. They are a joy. Love ya and hang in there
fear not mama. they were lying in wait just DYING to be PITA’s for mom. only mom can reach that squealing octave they so love when she is peed on. dad merely grunts, and how fun is that?
I didn’t read the other comments, so I might be repeating what everyone else is saying…but…
Oh, sweetie. They DID miss you. Saving their worst behavior for your return is their way of paying you back for leaving them. It’s because they are secure in your love for them that they are able to act like little monsters for you. They just don’t have the words to express it.
The important part = they were angels while you were away. You’ve done a great job with them and they behaved. They are secure and confident little ones. Thanks to you. Don’t be discouraged. Keep up the good work.
MommyCosms last blog post..Lazy Mom’s Guide to Growing Pumpkins
Oh you guys! Thank you, to each of you, for all these words of encouragement.
It would take me hours to reply to each one of you, so I’m just giving you all one big collective hug.
Your words help. Truly.
Oh, I’ve been there, I’ve totally been there. Hubby will be shocked when the Monkey acts out at all, when I just roll my eyes and say “welcome to my world…” he blinks and says “but she *never* does this. Um, ya, whatever.
I’m so sorry! Isn’t that the worst feeling on earth? Happened to me last weekend when mine BEGGED to go to my parent’s house after his birthday party instead of staying at the pool (or even going home) with me. Broke my heart!! It will get better though. Later when I picked him up, he was all lovey again.
Erins last blog post..Whip It Up! Week 3
Friends and family are constantly telling me what little angels my children are when I’m not around, these children who, apparently, only misbehave in my presence. If it’s of any comfort, a parenting expert of sorts once told me that children are supposed to pile their worst crap on you and behave well for other people. It means that they trust you, that they are well adjusted, that nobody but Mommy would put up with the piss on the shoulder. It doesn’t make it any easier to come home to though, does it?
And I do remember you!! Not for the red wine stains, but because I was coveting your extremely lovely and smooth hair. That first night is a bit of a blur to me still, all jet lagged and anxiety-ridden. Come to think of it, that would make an excellent title for my memoir…
Hugs Jennifer, the kids are always better for the ones that are just there for a short time. My aunts love it when I come to town because the kids are good for me. (The 8 year old actually put it in words “If we’re good for Courtney, she’ll come back again to play”)
I also agree that they’re storing all that pent up stuff for you because you’re the mommy and they can and you’ll still love them.
Hang in there!
I call it “re-entry” and re-entry can be a bitch. My kids always act terrible after I’ve been gone. I think Sweet Life is correct, they only feel comfortable acting like brats in front of those they love. Good times.
The Little Imp always managed to pull out the big guns when I was off running errands or away, which left Daddy feeling quite guilty and then swearing that she actually did whatever brilliant thing it was because no matter how much prodding, she woudln’t do it again when I got back home…not for days or even weeks! But I try not to make hubby feel too bad, after all, this is the only kid he’s getting out of me!
My MIL always told me that children punish their mother for leaving them - punish them in ways like this - being great while they are gone and then horrible when you arrive, Acting out in any way possible, not sleeping, whining more, etc. Rarely will you get the “Mommy’s HOME” with a running hug.
KEEP BELIEVING
(I usually read in Feedreader, so I hadn’t noticed the new banner. I like it!)
My kids never miss me either, and they are always worse for me. I’m sure my husband thinks I’m a big fat liar when I detail how horrible they are sometimes.
But, sometimes people tell me it’s just because “they are more comfortable with me and that’s why they act that why. It’s actually a flattering thing.”
Not sure I believe that shit, but thought I would at least offer up that mine do the same thing and it sucks. It so sucks.
I haven’t been away from the boy very many times, but it’s always the same story when he’s with anyone but me or my husband: Perfect angel. It makes me feel like he is unhappy when he’s with me, but I have to agree with the comments that kids are the most comfortable with their moms. They let it all hang out when their with us because they know we’ll love the little jackasses no matter what.
I hear you! Happens every time. I find it’s easier to just stay around, and gosh, I guess I’m just too lazy to get away now. I need a vacation!
My kids are always more well-behaved when I’m not around, too. In fact, when the baby boy is being whiney, I just reassure my husband that he’ll be fine once I leave and voila! Lo and behold - he IS! Hubby says it’s because they know that they can act a certain way with me. I guess… whatever… it still sucks.
This sounds eerily familiar. Honestly, I could have written this. Except my dear boys have actually told me, “No. You stay home. We are going with JUST DADDY.” Nice.
It’s a tough job. This motherhood thing.
Kathryns last blog post..WW- Have Fork, Will Eat
From the misery loves company section:
Alex and Scout were with me in SF. From being away all day Alex decided he wanted to. nurse. all. night. every. night.
Omg. He should have at least been buzzed off the milk enough to sleep. Apparently not.
Dawns last blog post..BlogHer - Thursday Par-tays
You took the words right out of my mouth….I posted about it here:
http://stellaandthomas.blogspot.com/2008/07/they-never-act-like-that-with-me.html
[...] - bookmarked by 2 members originally found by biosfear on 2008-08-05 Four Days Gone http://playgroupsarenoplaceforchildren.com/2008/07/23/four-days-gone/ - bookmarked by 4 members [...]