No, I didn’t finally remember to get a fly swatter, but I did become a maniacal fly vigilante with only a dish towel and DETERMINATION.
Follow these easy steps and you, too, can scare the crap out of your children KILL FLIES.
1. Have food lying around. This is easy if you have a two toddlers.
2. Find some sort of easily maneuverable swatting device. A fly swatter would certainly be IDEAL if you’re one of those “think INSIDE the box” people. I used a dish towel and it performed splendidly.
3. Wait patiently by the food, biding your time for the arrival of your evil nemesis.
4. When the fly/flies arrive, smirk. The little bastards have it coming. Do your best Jack Nicholson impression from “The Shining” and say things like, “Herrrrrrrrrrrre’s Johnny.” The impression is easier if you haven’t showered or brushed your hair.
Also fun: “Herrrrrrrrre’s Johnny, bitches.”
5. Take your shot. This is YOUR moment of GLORY.
6. Curse quietly, under your breath, when you miss.
7. Curse slightly louder when you miss again.
8. Try to disguise the next bellowed curse word as you miss. Again.
9. Say something genius like, “How you like me now!” or “boo-ya!” as your fly swatter/dish towel strikes and FINALLY HITS the fly.
10. Feel slight remorse when your one-year-old’s eyes are the size of saucers as she looks at you in horror and begins wailing.
11. Remove said child from room so the killing spree can continue.
12. Repeat steps 4-9 until all flies are annihilated. Think of clever quips from movies as you murder each fly, “Say hello to my little friend.” Or!!! “I will get you my pretties! MWAH HA HA.”
13. Remove child who has crawled back in where you’re committing fly murder and is again crying from the room. Reconsider killing spree.
11. Kill one more for good measure, this time silently and without jubilation. Swell with pride ON THE INSIDE.
12. Put murder soaked dish towel (if that was your weapon of choice, of course) in the dirty clothes hamper so that you don’t accidentally dry your hands on dead fly guts later.
12. Write frightening blog post about killing flies. Strongly consider NOT publishing it, but then do it anyway.
13. Wait for the men in white coats to arrive. Put on mascara.
wrote this in 22.05.2008, but some of my mf’ahs are having lil’ chaps of their own so i’m bringing it to the front once again.
i have noticed a lot of people that have young kids or new kids or soon-to-be around kids here…to those that “have” — where do ya find the time? and to those “about-to-have”…go ahead and give it up now….
i started out to share a bit of advice my great-grandmother gave me when she found out i was making her a great to the second power grandmother….here goes:
1] take lots of pictures….hang them on the wall—when these precious angels become teenagers it will help control the urge to knock the shit out of them [her words-not mine, although they have become mine]
2] never say never—your babes will always bring ya to your knees….to clean their scrapes, to pray for their safety, or in humility — ’cause the little shits did just what you swore to your know-it-all mother(in-law) ;
“my children will NEVER be allowed to DO THAT!”
3] never swat a fly above your head on the screen porch with your mouth open—- i don’t know what this one has to do with children—except maybe keep the flyswat handy…. or as my oldest, ty, referred to it —– a ty-swatter—- for killing a fly is legal and a great way to release anger, either way they are very wise words – as i found out later in life…..the damnable little flying bastards pop straight back towards my face…….so may i also add, don’t swat a fly above your head on the screen porch with your mouth open or a low cut blouse on….
with love to all those who have children under the age of 25…..remember it ain’t an empty nest till they are out of the house for AT LEAST 5 years.
michelle b’s lastest post..http://memachelle.stumbleupon.com/review/24212807/
wrote this in 22.05.2008, but some of my mf’ahs are having lil’ chaps of their own so i’m bringing it to the front once again.
i have noticed a lot of people that have young kids or new kids or soon-to-be around kids here…to those that “have” — where do ya find the time? and to those “about-to-have”…go ahead and give it up now….
i started out to share a bit of advice my great-grandmother gave me when she found out i was making her a great to the second power grandmother….here goes:
1] take lots of pictures….hang them on the wall—when these precious angels become teenagers it will help control the urge to knock the sh*t out of them [her words-not mine, although they have become mine]
2] never say never—your babes will always bring ya to your knees….to clean their scrapes, to pray for their safety, or in humility — ’cause the little crumb-snatchers did just what you swore to your know-it-all mother(in-law) ;
“my children will NEVER be allowed to DO THAT!”
3] never swat a fly above your head on the screen porch with your mouth open—- i don’t know what this one has to do with children—except maybe keep the flyswat handy…. or as my oldest, ty, referred to it —– a ty-swatter—- for killing a fly is legal and a great way to release anger, either way they are very wise words – as i found out later in life…..the damnable little flying creatures pop straight back towards my face…….so may i also add, don’t swat a fly above your head on the screen porch with your mouth open or a low cut blouse on….
with love to all those with children under the age of 25…..remember it ain’t an empty nest till they are out of the house for AT LEAST 5 years.
michelle b’s lastest post..http://memachelle.stumbleupon.com/review/24212807/
[...] Finally, a step-by-step tutorial on how to kill a fly. [...]