How to murder a fly. A tutorial.

August 5, 2008 | Filed in: Go Fly a Kite, Quirky Me, Randomness

No, I didn’t finally remember to get a fly swatter, but I did become a maniacal fly vigilante with only a dish towel and DETERMINATION.

Follow these easy steps and you, too, can scare the crap out of your children KILL FLIES.

1. Have food lying around. This is easy if you have a two toddlers.

2. Find some sort of easily maneuverable swatting device. A fly swatter would certainly be IDEAL if you’re one of those “think INSIDE the box” people. I used a dish towel and it performed splendidly.

3. Wait patiently by the food, biding your time for the arrival of your evil nemesis.

4. When the fly/flies arrive, smirk. The little bastards have it coming. Do your best Jack Nicholson impression from “The Shining” and say things like, “Herrrrrrrrrrrre’s Johnny.” The impression is easier if you haven’t showered or brushed your hair.

Also fun: “Herrrrrrrrre’s Johnny, bitches.”

5. Take your shot. This is YOUR moment of GLORY.

6. Curse quietly, under your breath, when you miss.

7. Curse slightly louder when you miss again.

8. Try to disguise the next bellowed curse word as you miss. Again.

9. Say something genius like, “How you like me now!” or “boo-ya!” as your fly swatter/dish towel strikes and FINALLY HITS the fly.

10. Feel slight remorse when your one-year-old’s eyes are the size of saucers as she looks at you in horror and begins wailing.

11. Remove said child from room so the killing spree can continue.

12. Repeat steps 4-9 until all flies are annihilated. Think of clever quips from movies as you murder each fly, “Say hello to my little friend.” Or!!! “I will get you my pretties! MWAH HA HA.”

13. Remove child who has crawled back in where you’re committing fly murder and is again crying from the room. Reconsider killing spree.

11. Kill one more for good measure, this time silently and without jubilation. Swell with pride ON THE INSIDE.

12. Put murder soaked dish towel (if that was your weapon of choice, of course) in the dirty clothes hamper so that you don’t accidentally dry your hands on dead fly guts later.

12. Write frightening blog post about killing flies. Strongly consider NOT publishing it, but then do it anyway.

13. Wait for the men in white coats to arrive. Put on mascara.

Share with others

I don’t own a fly swatter…I’ve used everything from a dishtowel to a soiled diaper in a plastic bag (that has some heft to it) to kill the flies that seem to sweep into my house every time I open the door! If the men in white coats come your way…well, they’ll be stopping by on their way to pick me up too *G*

FUNNY!!

And much more successful then my attempt recently. I used a magazine and not only completely missed the fly, I managed to shatter a lightbulb all over my desk The fly thought it was funny…

Spookys last blog post..Week long giveaway at 5 minutes for mom!

Where is VDOG with her damn BlogHer fly swatter, Carl when you need him?????

Loralees last blog post..Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.

Hahaha, that’s awesome!
My FIL’s method is to wait til night falls. Then he turns off all the lights but the tv. The little buggers go straight for the tv, making them an easy target.
There is WAY more skill involved in your method and it sounds much better when you talk about it.

Lisas last blog post..Quirky Meme

How weird, I did the same thing yesterday. Except it was only one fly and he had the nerve to keep landing on my computer monitor.
Fatal error.

dysfunctional moms last blog post..Tonight’s Tirade

Jennifer killed Col. Fly with a dishtowel in the kitchen …

A dishtowel was always my weapon of choice. It’s the shotgun of flyswatters.

Knot

Knots last blog post..Thus Saieth The Lord

try doing that at 4am without waking up the whole house. it’s hard to control the grunts and profanity of defeat when I miss or the hoots and profanity of victory when I get the nasty little bastards. such satisfaction!

Sissys last blog post..My Punishment

Have spoken to the men in white coats - they’ll be on their way after they’ve picked me up…

Vics last blog post..That Orange Glow

The dishtowel is a far superior weapon to a wimpy little fly swatter!

My boys CRACK UP when I go after a fly with a vengeance; now they want to try, too, which is DANGEROUS!!

pgoodnesss last blog post..Happy Birthday!

we have been in same boat here! It has been madness! I use a large oven mitt!

amys last blog post..Talk about/Talk about/Talk about Movin

Don’t forget to put on lipstick too!

Debs last blog post..R.I.P. Hermie

Ha ha ha!

I haven’t tried with a dishtowel. But I am a total fly killing ninja with a shoe…

Maggies last blog post..Tricks to a Successful* Toddler Car Trip

I love a woman that can think on her toes and keep her shit together and has her priorities straight (mascara).

LOL! I am sure that she wasn’t tramatized too much.

Heather-Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..Let’s Blog the Recession

I have vivid memories of watching my Mom run around in her underwear killing flies with a towel. I’m not sure why her outfit of choice was her big ole granny panties….perhaps it was to partially scare the little bastards so they didn’t see death coming.

Connie @ The Chronicless last blog post..August: Fun Extravaganza ~ Day Four

Umm…J? Do you need Carl to come see you next? He’s great at that sorta thing, you know.

I’m a rolled-up magazine gal myself. I find that Sports Illustrated are good because they aren’t as thick and easily rolled. I then can use the fly-guts excuse to toss the eleventy-thousand back issues strewn about the house…bonus!

Slacker Mamas last blog post..eight is great! (and keeps us up late!)

It must be fly season because I’ve been playing the same game this week, right down to the movie impressions.

Um, I think we need to get out more…we’re getting waaaaay too much pleasure from killing flies.

My kids are beyond the shock and horror. They play along now. “Mommy, git it…GIT IT!”?

MommyCosms last blog post..Why I changed my blog from Squarespace to WordPress.com and BACK again within 24 hours

That is so how we used to kill those little buggers, too.
This made me crack up. Thank you for being so entertaining
Have a fabulous Tuesday.

Fly swatters are for uncreative amatuers.

KD (A Bit Squirrelly)s last blog post..Karate Chopping the Wizard of Oz in the Nova

I wield a mean newspaper/magazine - whichever is handy. I strongly believe in the circle of life and honoring all god’s creatures as long as they are OUTSIDE. Once they cross the boundary, they are fair game. Last night a cricket got into the kitchen and it was the first time Dudley the wonder kitten saw one. He nearly hit the ceiling when the thing jumped.

Mary Beth (Cats/Books/Life is Good)s last blog post..ALL YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ME, AND MORE!

At least you remembered to put on mascara. I would be worried if that step was left out. Ha!

Megans last blog post..I phoned in dinner too.

i’m thinking you totally need a visit from carl.

i’m sure ella would not be traumatized watching you kill flies with a swatter that has a FACE and a BOWTIE.

*snort*

the planet of janets last blog post..Nobody knows the trauma I’ve seen …

LOL You know, we had some flies in the house this past week…what I did was just leave stuff in the sink with water in it. Ok, I didn’t do that INTENTIONALLY…it just seemed there was never enough room in the dishwasher and something always get left in the sink…but anyway…the flies would dive down for a drink and drown. It was great.

Sandys last blog post..Balance, Anger, & Sadness

hahaha! I love the mascara line!

Devans last blog post..Umbrella

We have THREE fly swatters in our house, and I really couldn’t tell you where a single darn one of them is.

So I resort to using a kitchen towel, too.

Doesn’t it feel good to finally catch one of those little buggers?

Jennis last blog post..Church, Facebook, Movie Theaters, and Evermore

LMAO! I HATE flies!

I am the same way! I yell and whoop like some crazed lunatic.

Don’t forget the crazy clown lipstick. The crazy collectors just love heavy makeup
Sarcasta-Moms last blog post..Families Are Stupid Sometimes

I kinda stuck on the notion that there was food about. Now to me that means that that’s where the fly probably landed. On the food. And then you would thwack at it with the dishtowel. Snap it like guys in the shower do with towels. Now, the question is this - doesn’t that scatter food all over hell and creation?

Last week I caught #2 son just as he was going to shoot down a wasp, in the garage, with his PAINTBALL GUN!!!

Thank the Goddess I stopped him. If for no other reason, it’s impossible to hit a wasp on the fly with a paintball. I’m just sayin’.

lceels last blog post..Tuesday Treat

You are so funny Why DO we get such satisfaction from murdering flies? Maybe because they are disgusting little insects that poop and/or vomit as they land. And maybe it’s just because they used to be maggots! Isn’t that why we have such extreme hatred for the little buzzing beeotches? They are nothing but nasty flying grown up maggots. Ewwwww!

Also have you ever noticed that they hide when you bring out the fly swatter? Maybe you are onto something by using a dishtowel! Hehe….I am pretty sure the men in white coats have me on their list too.

Ashley @mrs007.nets last blog post..Random trivia

After spending half a day chasing a fly around my kitchen (with a dish towel), he decided to land on my shutters. I crept quietly toward the sink, slowly and stealthily reached out, and slammed them shut. Little bastard didn’t know what hit him. Created a nice little mess on my shutters, but was hugely gratifying.

On our trip a couple of weeks ago we walked into the hotel room only to find a swarm of flies had already occupied it. Instead of asking for a new room like a smart person would, my husband and I decided to have at it with a paperback book. The result? Several dead flies and a broken hotel window! Yikes!

Drea @ Monkey Monkey Underpantss last blog post..Reader Addiction

I’ve found that flies like light. At night I trap them in my bathroom and whack them against the mirror.

This is what we call “entertainment” in Alabama, which may be one reason you’re glad you left.

It may also be why Tate misses it.

Anne Glamores last blog post..Locker 101:A, Hygiene:F

I think you might need a Carl intervention. Or, some sort of intervention.

Burgh Babys last blog post..You Were Warned So Quit Your Whining–It’s Creepy Doll Time

Why you gotta hate on flies?

Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..How Much Is That Fishie In the Window?

I love it! I am crackin’ up so hard my husband had to read it to understand why and now he is crackin’ up too.

The Farmers Wifes last blog post..Slippery When Wet! Wet When Slipping!

Okay, so I didn’t murder a black fly today, but wooeee, did I ever smear a largish fruit fly down the side of a kitchen cabinet with my sandaled foot. I felt so zen. It was just like, smoosh, smear….awesome.

Kellys last blog post..A Fixation

HAHAHAHAHA! Well done friend. Well done.

Jesss last blog post..Living two lives at the same time

Oh wiping the tears from my eyes that was so funny.

My husband swears he can catch them with his hands but never actually does.

But Why Mommy / Renee’s last blog post..Say My Name, Say My Name

For a little extra panache, try asking the fly to leave before killing it. The self defense law here in Illinois allows a person to kill an intruder in their home only if they have asked the intruder to leave. It’s always nice to extend that courtesy to insects as well.

It always works with spiders. They leave if asked politely. I swear.

laurie, thatsthewayitis’s last blog post..I deserve a smack down.

Thank you for publishing this post anyway…LOL!

And here’s one more quote (if it hasn’t already been suggested) for your next adventure in fly murderdom:

“Feel lucky, fly? Well, do ya?”

Margaret’s last blog post..Fact or Myth: Are Mac Users Snobs?

ALWAYS POST THE POSTS THAT MAKE YOU STOP AND ASK YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR SANITY. ALWAYS…

Heather’s last blog post..The Wall

Thanks for my daily laugh! I have food on the floors but the dog eats it. I hate flys and magazines work great for kiling them!

Green & Clean Mom’s last blog post..Go Eco with your stuffed animals!

Chick, this afternoon I killed a fly with my boobs. Like totally. It flew out of my bra (um, what?) and a few hours later I found it dead.

I think it was smiling. So I am thinking it was a boy.

Kelley’s last blog post..Don’t breathe on me.

LOL great list. BBL off to kill a couple of flies !!

Debbie’s last blog post..Daily Ramblings , Complaints , and Other Bull

Hysterical! My husband is the fly hunter in our house (I really hope that’s not a euphemism for anything) and often we get updates, like “I think I wounded him.”

Marinka’s last blog post..Killing the Whole Damn Aviary With One Stone

OMG, that was so funny! I think that I’ve done that a few times myself. Thank you for the smile.

midlife mommy’s last blog post..Babytalk

MY favorite Boo-Yaw movie type quote is
“How Sexy Am I NOW Fu*ker!?!”
(Juliette Lewis (or whatever) Natural Born Killers

Madness’s last blog post..FunkeeMunkee

Thanks for the laugh. That was hysterical. Glad you posted it . I think I would have to ditch the dishtowel though.

Binks’s last blog post..Duh - mental pause

I’m SO glad you did hit publish, because this was very amusing!

Dory’s last blog post..How ’bout NINE? Is NINE good?

wrote this in 22.05.2008, but some of my mf’ahs are having lil’ chaps of their own so i’m bringing it to the front once again.

i have noticed a lot of people that have young kids or new kids or soon-to-be around kids here…to those that “have” — where do ya find the time? and to those “about-to-have”…go ahead and give it up now….

i started out to share a bit of advice my great-grandmother gave me when she found out i was making her a great to the second power grandmother….here goes:

1] take lots of pictures….hang them on the wall—when these precious angels become teenagers it will help control the urge to knock the shit out of them [her words-not mine, although they have become mine]

2] never say never—your babes will always bring ya to your knees….to clean their scrapes, to pray for their safety, or in humility — ’cause the little shits did just what you swore to your know-it-all mother(in-law) ;

“my children will NEVER be allowed to DO THAT!”

3] never swat a fly above your head on the screen porch with your mouth open—- i don’t know what this one has to do with children—except maybe keep the flyswat handy…. or as my oldest, ty, referred to it —– a ty-swatter—- for killing a fly is legal and a great way to release anger, either way they are very wise words - as i found out later in life…..the damnable little flying bastards pop straight back towards my face…….so may i also add, don’t swat a fly above your head on the screen porch with your mouth open or a low cut blouse on….

with love to all those who have children under the age of 25…..remember it ain’t an empty nest till they are out of the house for AT LEAST 5 years.

michelle b’s lastest post..http://memachelle.stumbleupon.com/review/24212807/

wrote this in 22.05.2008, but some of my mf’ahs are having lil’ chaps of their own so i’m bringing it to the front once again.

i started out to share a bit of advice my great-grandmother gave me when she found out i was making her a great to the second power grandmother….here goes:

1] take lots of pictures….hang them on the wall—when these precious angels become teenagers it will help control the urge to knock the sh*t out of them [her words-not mine, although they have become mine]

2] never say never—your babes will always bring ya to your knees….to clean their scrapes, to pray for their safety, or in humility — ’cause the little crumb-snatchers did just what you swore to your know-it-all mother(in-law) ;

“my children will NEVER be allowed to DO THAT!”

3] never swat a fly above your head on the screen porch with your mouth open—- i don’t know what this one has to do with children—except maybe keep the flyswat handy…. or as my oldest, ty, referred to it —– a ty-swatter—- for killing a fly is legal and a great way to release anger, either way they are very wise words - as i found out later in life…..the damnable little flying creatures pop straight back towards my face…….so may i also add, don’t swat a fly above your head on the screen porch with your mouth open or a low cut blouse on….

with love to all those with children under the age of 25…..remember it ain’t an empty nest till they are out of the house for AT LEAST 5 years.

michelle b’s lastest post..http://memachelle.stumbleupon.com/review/24212807/

[...] Finally, a step-by-step tutorial on how to kill a fly. [...]

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I'm Jennifer, Mom to Carson, 3, and Ella, 1. Wife and Bossaholic to Tate. My claim to fame is that I'm the #1 search result on Google for "kids pooping in pools!!." You can follow me on Twitter, see my stumbles at StumbleUpon, view my photos on Flickr, and contact me by email.

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2008 Booklist

~~Pillars of the Earth~~ B-
~~East of Eden~~ A-
The Kite Runner
~~Memory Keeper's Daughter~~ C+
Water for Elephants
~~Nineteen Minutes~~ B-
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The Rabbit Factory
Waiting for Birdy
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