PICTURE REMOVED
I looked back at my previous few posts and noticed that I’ve talked a lot about Carson and his normal, yet disturbing toddler behavior.
In the interest of not writing about his EVERY misdeed, I haven’t mentioned that lately, EVERYday has been a battle. His behavior has me pulling out my hair and questioning my parenting (and my sanity.) I haven’t mentioned that every night, bedtime has become a battle. I haven’t mentioned that at 2 AM one morning, after three hours of fighting him to stay in his brand new big boy bed, Tate put his crib back together.
I also haven’t mentioned that it bothers him that I get angry. “You happy now, Mommy?” he’ll ask with his eyes wide and brows furrowed in worry.
I haven’t mentioned the guilt that I feel when he yells, knowing that he learned yelling from me.
I haven’t mentioned that he comes up to me, spontaneously and says, “Mommy. I love you so much!” and buries his head in my knees, wraps his arms around my legs and hugs me until I nearly fall over.
I’ve never mentioned his love of chocolate pudding and how it can diffuse even the most volatile tantrum.
I don’t think I’ve ever written about when he’s sleepy, and he holds his teddy bear up to his nose and sniffs. (His butt. Go figure.)
Carson and I have started having the most amazing conversations while laying on his bedroom floor looking up at the ceiling. We discuss important topics like how Thomas got fish in his boiler, which makes us laugh and laugh. He can nearly tell me the entire story of Grover and the Everything in the Whole Wide World Museum from memory, even telling me what belongs in the “things that are heavy” room.
I look at Carson and sometimes I just want to tackle him…with love and kisses. Reaching, I touch him, trying to soak up his very existence. I know that one day, he’ll be twelve and embarrassed by me, or sixteen and driving away, or eighteen and moving away to college.
I want to remember all the wonderful things about my son. This blog, this memoir really, is the only tangible reminder I’ll have of his childhood. This memoir is also an exercise in self-reflection. I want to be a better parent, I want to be a better disciplinarian. When I look at all that I’ve written about him, so often it’s negative.
Life and all it encompasses is not always full of joy and happiness, but it’s not all negative either. These words I write are just a fraction of him, as my baby, as a person. He’ll continue to challenge me everyday, but I hope I can be mindful enough to share his good days in addition to the days I’d rather forget.
I’m feelin’ ya. When my husband died almost three years ago, Bud was 9 mo. old and still nursing, and Lil’ G was 2 1/2. Since then it’s been survival mode, but we’re smooth sailing most days now. However, I feel like I’ve turned into “Dinosaur Mommy.” I never used to be this irritable and strict before T. died, and it just grieves me to think that, not only do my kids have to deal w/ a lifetime of questions and grief over the loss of their daddy, but also have the lifestory of what it was like to live with their mother after daddy died. I swear, it’s a Lifetime Original Movie waiting to happen. I, too, am trying to focus more on the positive and have more good days with them than stressful ones, but it’s hard to do, even when both parents are in the picture.
Hang in there! We all need an outlet, and most of us come to you for laughter to keep us from heading straight to the bottle! haha!!
Kim’s lastest post..Unfinished Business
we know…we know.
that’s why we keep coming back to read more! we know how much you love him, and you’re ability to write about the good times and the difficult times…helps us all to realize that we’re ALL just trying to do the best we can! it’s a support system of some really strong women (and men). we share our faults and fears so that others can help us understand and grow…
sending my mommy-cape over to you for awhile!
jen’s lastest post..i think it should be YOUR birth…
Being a Mom is hard. Know that all of us are going through the same thing…thanks for putting it into words so well:)
Nap Warden’s lastest post..Why Wouldn’t They Be…
I can relate to those amazing conversations. Having waited so long for CJ to talk, it’s something I don’t take for granted (the way I did with Tacy).
He sounds like a lot of fun, truly.
mothergoosemouse’s lastest post..She’s just three
thank you for helping me see that there are amazing things to because i have one of these toddlers now… and guess what his name also starts with a C – i keep coming back here to know that i’m not alone… thank you!
marla’s lastest post..notice anything different….
This post was the sweetest and most I’d honest one I’ve read in awhile.
Simply because you take the time to step back, take a deep breath, and remember all the good things, all the wonderful things about Carson-instead of simply the tough and un-fun parts…you’re an amazing parent. I know some moms who simply write their ‘spirited’ child off as The Brat, without ever trying to accept them for who they are, or realize that they really are wonderful little people, just extra challenging. So for that, I applaud you.
Very well said.
I have to remind myself often that these things too shall pass and with them, my children will grow…
Toni’s lastest post..On the Cusp
Ok, you made me tear up, don’t do that anymore! I know what an amazing kid he is. And I feel the same way about mine, it’s challenging everyday & I often feel like I am the one that falls short of what should be expected of me. And I feel like I only show his naughty side, and forget to clue people in on his amazing side. You are a great mom and just keep doing what you are doing and he will continue to be a wonderfully happy, smart, loving boy.
Heidi’s lastest post..6 years
Boy can I relate to this post. I never really blog about my children. My blog is kind of different and sometimes I wish I talked more about them. I think it would be therapy for m. My son is four and everyday and night is a struggle. It is arguing, screaming, complaining and constant unhappiness. To the point that I consider going to the doctor. Go figure, I have a Masters in Early Childhood education and I can’t even help myself. Eye roll. Then it is guilt of where did he learn this from. Is it me, his dad or someone else? How does he know to scream and argue with me? I’ve had so much going on with his bad behavior that I’m not remembering or embracing his good qualities.
Thanks for helping me to realize that I need to do this. He his so loving and smart. He love his dinos and books. He can do any puzzle and if we take a walk he teaches me about nature and bugs. His smile and eye roll make me smile.
Sommer-GreenandCleanMom’s lastest post..Digging for Worms
I know exactly what you mean. It’s nice to balance out and I’m glad you’re stopping to smell the roses…or the teddy butts.
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s lastest post..Birds, Bees, and Embarrassment
Tate really re-assembled the crib? Now I know it’s serious. Kudos to you for remembering the good as well – it’ll be gone far too fast. And then we’ll be whining about our daughter-in-laws. Kidding. Sorta.
MamaGeek’s lastest post..Bambi Begs
i’m with margaret…bring pudding to preschool!
my first son is almost 13 and still loves hugs from his mom. i love that. he is a pretty popular kid and doesn’t care who sees him give me hugs. he even told some of his friends that he didn’t go to camp this year because last year he missed me too much not carrying a bit what they thought. i love that!
i know you love carson and have fun with him. that is obvious even in your frustrated moments. and we all have those frustrated moments with our kids. we all have them!
natalie’s lastest post..A good mom
I love it…. it’s hard, but it’s fun, isn’t it?
At Home Redesigns’s lastest post..Time to let these brides shine
I can’t tell you how much better it makes me feel to know that I’m not the only parent who inadvertently taught her kid to yell. I’ve been going through the same stuff with Lovebug, too. Maybe it’s a boy thing?
Jerseygirl89′s lastest post..Haiku Friday
good for you. it takes courage to show such insight into your own parenting.
[...] on Thu 08-1-2009 College survival tips for your child Saved by dropshadows on Wed 07-1-2009 Spirit Saved by tsunade50 on Sun 28-12-2008 Why Being a Grandparent is Apparently Better Than Being a [...]