Tell me she’s not talking about her crotch again

August 29, 2008 | Filed in: Ask Teh Internets, I am woman, Quirky Me, confession, my stream of consciousness

This situation of which I’m going to describe is PURELY hypothetical. Not one ounce of truth to it, no siree. None whatsoever. *fingers crossed behind my back*

So tell me, what would you do if, say, you were on a walk with your (two) kids in an adjoining neighborhood and you suddenly had the most terrible, all-consuming itch.

The itch is in the upper crotch region, not to be confused with the lower crotch region-which obviously if you’re itching “down there” you might want to see a DOCTOR.

Anyway, this upper crotch region itch is a really, really itchy itch. It itches so much you can barely walk. It itches so much you feel like if you don’t scratch it, you’ll lose your mind.

Keep this in mind, you’re not in your neighborhood. It’s highly unlikely that you’ll see anyone you know. Even if you did see someone, most likely you’d never see them again. Also, it’s early in the morning, but not so early that there are lots of people driving by heading for work, kids have already left for school. Basically, it looks as if nobody even knows you’re there.

But also keep in mind the fact that it’s your CROTCH that itches and to scratch it looks incredibly nasty to the average Joe who happens to witness such an act.

Do you get in there and scratch away, right there on the street, trying to act like nothing’s amiss as you attempt to continue pushing your double stroller while getting after that itch?

Or do you suck it up and continue walking while thinking non-itchy and non-scratchy thoughts?

WHAT do you DO????

I’m just curious in case this ever happens to me. Also, I’m just collecting this information for a book I’m writing on survival skills in the suburbs. Um. Yeah.

Share with others

squat? pretend you lost something? pretend there’s a bee flying around your crotch area and pat yourself down? pick up a kid and scratch yourself? that didn’t sound right.

Ms. Changes Pants While Driving’s lastest post..auction for nie nie

use that double stroller - pretend you’re getting something out of the basket or adjusting something for a kid and discreetly scratch that itch! i can only imagine the hitch you would have in your crawl while walking and itching and trying not to itch.

so, um, what did you do?

monica @ transplanting me’s lastest post..ninety-four percent

My first thought, which I’m going with because I would totally do this, would be to pretend to give your kids a wheelie ride in the stroller, whilst using the stroller handle to deal with the itch. See, everyone wins.

all things BD’s lastest post..Fashion Tuesd… Er, Fashion Thursday

You squat and pretend you are picking up something off the ground. Then, like a magician, you distract with your hand while drawing the focus AWAY FROM YOUR ITCHY CROTCH and you grind and mash the heel of your foot into that itchy area. And try not to let the wave of relief show on your face.

The alternative is to hike up your pants and give yourself an itch-relieving front wedgie.

Margaret’s lastest post..And from the Thank You Sir May I Have Another Department…

I would totally just scratch.
Everyone’s done it. Guys do it ALL the time.

What’s the prob? ;0)

Kathy’s lastest post..Dinner and Pictures!

stick your hands down your pants and scratch that shit! lol

mojavi at simple things’s lastest post..you go!

Wait, you had a stroller? great cover! But everyone already thought of that.
Squat while “inspecting” the stroller, use the stroller, hide behind the stroller. At least you had a stroller! I was picturing walking down the street holding 2 kids hands and having to itch (yes, I know your kids aren’t that old, my brain is already off tonight)

Krista’s lastest post..Book: A Passion Redeemed

Not that I’d ever come up against this sort of thing hypothetically (I’ve only got one kid) … I “imagine” I’d worry endlessly about how I was about to look, then somehow end up doing the Monty Python Silly Walk trying to pretend I wasn’t letting the seam of my jeans do the work and that nothing was happening.

I imagine. Hypothetically. Because upper crotch is much different than lower.

HellTygr’s lastest post..Best. News. Ever.

You freakin scratch it lady!! Scratch it and enjoy every minute!

Miss’s lastest post..On my mind…

I can’t imagine this will ever ever happen to little ol’ me but if it were to ever, mysteriously, happen I think I’d have to find me some cover and scratch. There was a time when I think I might have just scratched out in the open but I’m a little more timid now.

So…what did you think you would HYPOTHETICALLY do?

MadWomanMeg’s lastest post..Link It Up Thursday

I’m gonna go with scratch but in the assumption that you’re actually doing something else. Hide it but go for it. Thats just me…

SJSFalter’s lastest post..Construction Zone

Not that it’s ever happened to me, but if it did I imagine I’d stop walking and pretend to be looking for something while getting in really close to the back of the stroller before attempting the scratch.

Yeah I think we clearly live in a state of scratch the crotch discrimination!!!!!

Tell me WHY aren’t the presidential candidates discussing that one? WHY?
Jamie’s lastest post..Silent Auction Day For Nie Nie

Are there pockets in the pants? You could try a covert scratch-with-hands-in-the-pants maneuver.

However, something moving from under your pants could be more disturbing to a passerby than a plain old scractch.

This is much more thought provoking than Haiku Friday.

Slacker Mama’s lastest post..football season faqs

Walk up to a tree, throw your arms around it, and hump it. Takes care of issues on several levels.

lceel’s lastest post..Friday Haiku - Astro-naught

A true lady….would have the self control to NOT scratch the delicate areas in the crotch region.

I am not a lady so I would go for it!

It’s funny that you post about this subject. This morsel of a poem came to mind the other day, and by mistake I shared it with my boys. I know I learned this poem in elementary school, but I have no idea who I heard it from or why (why?) we were discussing this issue at all at such a young and tender age. Here it is….
You can scratch it
If it itches
Even if it’s in your britches!

Scratch that beyootch of an itch, J. I say go for it.

Anglophile Football Fanatic’s lastest post..Herr Construction Worker

I HATE it when that happens … uh …HYPOTHETICALLY happens is what I mean.

moo’s lastest post..want to talk about baby names?

The double stroller is the perfect cover!!

the dragonfly’s lastest post..haiku friday - missing

My favorite…put your hands in your pockets and scratch that way…of course, if you don’t HAVE pockets then that is a problem and I would just scratch.

Sandy’s lastest post..Wait Staff, Tips and Minimum Wage

Fortunately, I have a friend that this has happened to. She starts fake coughing, near convulsions, and then sort of waves her hands around, in seizure-like movements and then gets a scratch in.

But I love the pockets idea above, too. I mean, my friend loves it.

Marinka’s lastest post..Questions

Ummm…I’d ignore it. I think. Unless the stroller gave good shield and you could get to it without being notice. Then go for it!!

Maria’s lastest post..Say it with me now - “Homophobic”. And now - “Stereotypical”. Or maybe just “Ignorant.”

Go in the front of your pants up to the elbow and just try not to moan.

DeuceMom’s lastest post..Reducing Deuce’s Eco-baby-footprint

I would resist because once you start scratching its so hard to stop!

next time you take a walk, bring a cactus in your pocket and then you can just dance that itch away.

once i saw a lady rake the crap out of her crotch in line at a pizza place and i thought i would puke. really, her hand straight down into her stonewashed tapered jeans, unapologetically RAKING her vagina right before using her tainted vag hand to hand the guy money. so in comparison to that scratching your upper crotch region causally during a walk with two kids would be like totally no big deal.

britt’s lastest post..BAH! thanks mom

I would (and have!) stop at a mailbox or building or something interesting where you can turn your back to the public. Then do the bid-niss. Very Important: do it all or else you’ll have to stop again and say, “ooh look at this very interesting mailbox.” and your kids will be all “What’s so exciting about a black mailbox with a rusty flag?”

Texan Mama’s lastest post..Stuff I STILL don’t get

Ooooh, ha ha ha ha! I’m sorry, I can’t get over Britt’s comment. How do I follow THAT?
I’d have to say, though, that as many of us who have HYPOTHETICALLY been in that sicheashun….no one would have cared.
Mandy’s lastest post..Haiku Friday - the mummy in a peanut edition

I think it’s a shame we even have to have this discussion, cause guys? They have NO PROBLEM scratching and pulling and tugging and rearranging regardless of where they are or who is around.

Of course, we are the more gentle sex.

Have the T-Shirt’s lastest post..Thursday - Post #3

Anything below the waist and ablove the thigh is a delicate situation. HIDe, distract, whatever, but don’t let anyone see you…

KD (A Bit Squirrelly)’s lastest post..Getting in Touch With His GLAMOUR-ous Side

Belly laughing here.
Scratch away, that’s what I say! There’s a small chance no one is looking…
so long as you don’t ask someone else to scratch it, your totally fine.

Heather of the EO’s lastest post..A Light Bulb Moment of the Wonderful Kind

SCRATCH! Just go for it. There is nothing more madenning than an itch that you can’t scratch. And you’re gonna have to put your hands down your pants because we all know scratching from the outside just doesn’t do the trick.

Mamasphere’s lastest post..They Never Stop EATING, And It’s So Unfair

I pretend to tie my shoe and scratch while I’m down there.

Lori’s lastest post..Shouldn’t I be goofing off or something?

This is a no brainer for a guy. Scratch. If you have loose pants you can look like you are reaching in your pocket and just reach over and alleviate the itch. Bend over to tie your shoe and scratch on the way down.

Knot

Knot’s lastest post..This just tickles me

Scratch. Quickly. Behind the stroller and pretend nothing happened.

Devan’s lastest post..Need some sad help

I love that following the link I saw to your blog somewhere today led me to this post! The stroller is your friend in these situations. It’s a barrier, and the catch-all basket on the bottom is the perfect alibi for squating down and pretending to search for a toy or blanket when the need to scratch hits. This is also effective for the dreaded panty creeping that can drive a person crazy if not fixed!

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)’s lastest post..mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice

Another reason to be perpetually pregnant! The lower belly itch is totally acceptable and expected. And, well, no one says exactly how low is okay!

Jenni’s lastest post..The Obligatory Birthday Post

Most definitely scratch using the stroller for cover… an even worse situation- hypothetical of course. What do you do if you’re at store- wearing maternity underwear (when you haven’t been pregnant for 6 months) and it starts to slip? You might be wearing the underwear not for comfort, but because you desperately need to do laundry…oh and the public restroom is out of order… hypothetically of course.

erin’s lastest post..Because I am the MOMMY!

were you pushing a stroller or pulling a wagon? you could have squatted down next to it and taken care of the itch.

or even squatted down by your kids, pretending to talk to them, and itched….

plausable?

kj @ where my boys at?’s lastest post..i haven’t blogged in how long?!?

Well, not that this has EVER happened, so this is pure speculation at best, but I THINK I would quickly bring my kid in for a tight hug with one arm (to mask what I’m about to do) and scratch like crazy with the other. Oh, and just before the hug? I’d throw a rock at a window or something, to distract from myself. You know, the old, “Hey! Look! Look over THERE!!” Then go for it. I think. Because, of course, it’s never happened to me.Ever.

Kia’s lastest post..I’m Still Kicking Asses and Yet Still Sucking Lemons, Too…

So how is it that reading this post has TOTALLY MADE MY UPPER CROTCH AREA ITCH?????

Yeesh, lady. . . .I’m a scratching machine here in my cubicle! Damn you.

BlueBella’s lastest post..Teh Heh

oh man, i’m TOTALLY goin’ for it (as long as the kids are looking straight ahead and don’t see their mother digging for treasure!)

the planet of janet’s lastest post..What a difference a year makes …

Oh you scratch, you most definitely scratch. And then deny, deny, deny.

anna’s lastest post..Waxing in LA, Everybody Waxes in LA, Waxing in LA, Everybody Waxes in LA, &c.

I would have stopped the stroller, walked around to the front, faced the kids, squatted down in front of them, pretended to adjust them in the stroller, and I would have snuck my one hand down and scratched that itch!

Mrs. Schmitty’s lastest post..Who Wants To Lose Some Weight?

Well, I have NEVER had an itch in such a place buuuut, I would A. sit on the ground and act as though I’m stretching for my strenous walk and then cop a quick scratch as I’m hovered over my middle. or B. Pretend to have a spot on my shirt, pull it down in that region and rub the heck out of the spot with my nails and a splash of the water bottle.
That’s a tough one, had it happened to me ever, I know it would have been a must-get-to-it sort of itch.

I’m with the squatters. You gotta scratch that kind of itch! lol!

HeatherY’s lastest post..Haiku Friday: Vacation

someone i know *cough* once had this (and by “this” i mean an absolutely overwhelming need to scratch in the nether-region vicinity) happen whilst being interviewed for a job. i - i mean SHE - had to nearly contort herself cirque de soleil style to keep from going at it with her freshly painted fingernails (that pretty much would have shot her chances at getting the job… unless the dude interviewing her was into that kind of thing….)

mae’s lastest post..forget barbie, i want a doll that can lactate!

Scratch. Maybe hide behind the stroller, but scratch. And then when someone looks at the hypothetical scratcher, say “What, like it’s never happened to you.” And keep on strolling.

Insta-Mom’s lastest post..ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJHIGFEDCBA

dude just scratch!

but make sure you stop walking, because if you tripped and fell on your hand or against the stroller you might re-injure yourself.

I’d try my best to scratch discreetly….but I doubt I’d “get in there”.

Like the others, I want to know what you did…hypothetically, of course!

Devilish Southern Belle’s lastest post..So it’s Friday night

Yep, I’m all for the squat and scratch!

The Farmers Wife’s lastest post..Partaay Like A Rock Star!!! (or not so much)

Yep, I’m all for the squat and scratch! When ya gotta itch, ya gotta scratch!

The Farmers Wife’s lastest post..Partaay Like A Rock Star!!! (or not so much)

I say take a note from the toddlers and scratch that itch! I mean, come on….we suffer enough!
Nannette’s lastest post..Sometimes the clothes do not make a man

I’d totally rub myself up against the handle of that stroller.

Tootsie Farklepants’s lastest post..Someone, Please, Help a Sister Out

I’d wonder where I got the crabs from.
Oh, and I’d squat and “look for something under the stroller.”

Rosie’s lastest post..Like clockwork

I say hide behind the handle and do your business as quickly and discreetly as possible. Or drag it out as you’re walking by an old grumpy lady and smile wide. Take your pick.

Good..very good.

Madness would just scratch it .. and not only SCRATCH it..but she would make a huge production out of it. Oh Hells Yes she would. Madness has never cared what people think .. and she wont start worrying over an itchy whooohah now!

Madness’s lastest post..Tits List

I totally think that you should blatantly scratch it while waving with your free hand and yelling, “CROTCH PRIDE!!! CROTCH PRIDE!!!!!’

I’m just sayin’…

Loralee’s lastest post..Sideblog: The end of an era

Loved Nanny Goats’ idea: “You squat and pretend you are picking up something off the ground. Then, like a magician, you distract with your hand while drawing the focus AWAY FROM YOUR ITCHY CROTCH and you grind and mash the heel of your foot into that itchy area.”

Exactly, and well put, I might add, Ms. Goats. But maybe you could use the wheel of the stroller for even an extra level of discretion?

Sus @ wigglerooms’s lastest post..You’re It.

1) i hate the feedjit, but i guess it’s good internet-community building b/c i always feel like i need to comment so you know who is from baton rouge. as if you’d really care…but anyway. and we haven’t blown away yet.

2) i’d say go for it - discreetly…you could hide it in a motion to get something out from under the stroller. because after all doing the peepee dance for three blocks is way more conspicuous.

well crap there goes the electricity.

Liz’s lastest post..Here He Comes

Wow. That’s quite a predicament for…someone.

I say scratch it. I mean, your, er, someone’s, comfort is much more important than a stranger’s perception. Just act as if you’re adjusting your uncomfy undies. Then at least they know (or THINK?) you’re wearing it.

Good luck with the…book, yeah, that’s the ticket! Ha! I agree with the many previous posts, do the cami-scratch, your comfort is most important thing, not what gandering stranger neighbor people think. You totally crack me up!

I’d just scratch and not care.

Gina’s lastest post..Out-Laws

oh do scratch. and then post when you run into one of those people from the other neighborhood

By the way, did I ever even bother to write to you to say I bestowed an award to your blog? here’s the url of the post

http://coxfamily-sissy.blogspot.com/2008/08/looky-looky.html

Sissy’s lastest post..Another Sign

Dammit. Now MY crotch is itchy.

Burgh Baby’s lastest post..Breaking Out the Curses

Two words: BRAZILIAN WAX.

Another vote for squat down, pretend to be getting something out of the stroller basket and scratch away. Otherwise you’re doomed to spend your whole walk wiggling around trying to get the itch to stop!

Maeve’s mom’s lastest post..The First Day

You have crabs, don’t you? I bet you do!!

You totally have crabs.

I’m telling everyone.

bejewell’s lastest post..A Conversation with My 16-Month-Old Son

You pretend to trip and say “Ow! My leg!” So that you can sit down on the pavement, and hold your leg, during which you can use your leg and the stroller as shields to hide your incredible scratching fest.

tracey’s lastest post..How to earn my loyalty…

Okay, then. Fess up. What DID you do?
Brillig’s lastest post..When the Lights Went Out

I think after a while I would just break down and scratch myself or try to bend at an odd angle that no one would notice. Oddly enough, this has happened to me in the grocery store.

Shamelessly Sassy’s lastest post..The Herculean History of the Hemorrhoid Cream

Well,I k ow I’m late, but just scratch. Like a guy. Only not as obviously.

and definitely do not sniff.

[...] to read you think to yourself, “wow, Playgroups are no place for children. Where it’s all vagina talk, all the [...]

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Comments protected by Lucia's Linky Love.

Nice to Meet You

I'm Jennifer, Mom to Carson, 3, and Ella, 1. Wife and Bossaholic to Tate. My claim to fame is that I'm the #2 search result on Google for "kids pooping in pools!!." You can follow me on twitter, see my stumbles at StumbleUpon, view my photos on Flickr, and contact me by email.

Back in the Day

Go shopping!

Photo holiday cards: the prettiest thing with a stamp on it.

Find an affordable selection of adorable baby bedding at Smarter.com.

Click!

Get your own flickr badge

Comment policy

Flaming
An online argument that becomes nasty or derisive, where insulting a party to the discussion takes precedence over the objective merits of one side or another (Urban Dictionary).
(Do it and I'll delete it)

Ajax CommentLuv Enabled d24c3fd0704707450ed668bb38aac8d2

Free Subscriptions!

BlogHer 09 Fund

This Savvy Quiz Sponsored By

kids' educational toys & games for math & reading skills

2008 Booklist

~~Pillars of the Earth~~ B-
~~East of Eden~~ A-
The Kite Runner
~~Memory Keeper's Daughter~~ C+
Water for Elephants
~~Nineteen Minutes~~ B-
~~HP and the Deathly Hallows~~ A++
~~Running W/ Scissors~~ A
The Rabbit Factory
Waiting for Birdy
~~Life of Pi~~ A
~~Outlander~~ A
~~Dragonfly in Amber~~ A-
~~A Tree Grows in Brooklyn~~ A+

playgroupsarenoplaceforchildren