I can hear him screaming over the monitor. Angrily I roll over to check the time on the clock. 5:48. Seething, I get out of bed, forgetting to stop and pee and march upstairs in the dark to his room.
I don’t know if I can do this again today.
“Mommy!” he screams. “Please don’t leave. Sit right here on the floor, beside me,” he pleads after I tell him that it’s not 7:00 yet and that Mommy is very, very tired and want to go back to bed.
I sit down wearily beside his crib, cursing inside. I wonder if he’s truly scared or if he’s just manipulating me. Also, I have to pee.
I promise him that I’m just leaving for a moment so that I can pee. “I’ll leave your door open. I’m just going right across the hall to the bathroom.” He starts to scream as I leave.
I turn to him and in my angriest voice, which surprises even me, I tell him to shut up and that I’ll be right back.
I only feel slightly bad that I told him to shut up. I hope he didn’t notice.
After he’s finally settled I go back to sleep for what seems like ten seconds, but rather it’s about 40 minutes. 6:58 is what I see on the clock as I hear Carson screaming for me again. Just to spite him, I want to let him scream for two more minutes until 7:00. Or to spite him, I want to go up to his room and scream at him to please just shut up and wait for f*cking 7:00.
I go in, scoop him out of his crib, saying nothing. The day begins.
*******
I look around the kitchen and notice the crumbs and fruit flies. My floor looks as if I haven’t swept or mopped since ever, despite having done both just two days prior.
There is a pile of dirty dish towels, in desperate need of washing and smelling like spoiled milk.
My washing machine is broken, full of water and wet towels.
*******
“Uh oh!” Ella squeals as she tosses her sippy cup, full of milk over the edge of her chair.
The cup is no longer full of milk.
It’s empty, the white milk in a puddle on the floor. Splashes of white milk dot the cupboards.
It doesn’t matter. The floor is already dirty.
*******
“You don’t even like me anymore. I can’t even joke around with you anymore.” In one respect, I hear Tate’s words and I feel badly that he could even think this. Of COURSE I like him. Of COURSE he can joke around with me, but after days of little sleep and constant battles, I need adult interaction. I need HIM to listen to ME.
Immediately his words make my heart harden and I feel my face redden with anger. “How dare he,” I think silently to myself. “All I do every minute of everyday is GIVE. What about me? What about thinking of MY feelings.” I say nothing.
*******
Ella is almost walking. She takes two or three hesitant steps, her arms out in front of her body for balance before she falls on her bottom. Over and over she stands up and tries again.
I smile at her and want nothing more than to swoop her up and feel her soft skin against my face and smother her sweet little neck with kisses.
In an instant I can go from feeling such rage to giggling in spite of myself.
*******
He asks if I need a break, just to get away. “Go for a walk,” he tells me. I can hear the annoyance in his voice and I want to shout back at him, “you have NO idea what it’s like to be home everyday with these kids. I do EVERYTHING for them. You have NO idea.”
I do need a break. I do want to get away.
NO. I want to RUN away.
“It’s too hot to go for a walk,” I say instead.
********
I consider not hitting publish.
But I do it anyway.
(Haven’t I written this post about a hundred times before?)
Oh honey, big hugs. I know. I KNOW.
Go read my post today.
I KNOW.
In the Trenches of Mommyhood’s lastest post..School Daze
i know. i know.
it’s really hard to give so much and get so little. until you remember how big those little things really are. sometimes it just feels better to let the emotion flow and have someone…anyone…empathize with you.
we’re here.
and i know this is bad timing…but i had to invite you to a virtual bloggy party i’m throwing. c’mon over. we can all sympathize together.
thank you for inspiring me to continue on…even on the toughest of days.
jen’s lastest post..why, come on back…we’ve been waiting for you!
Ditto! Thanks for the great post. I wish I could put it somewhere where my husband will find it….. Kudos to you for being so honest.
Janine’s lastest post..Two steps in saving money.
Hugs to you Jennifer…and remember to breathe. My mother always reminds her sisters that a little screaming and a shut door never hurts a child. Sometimes its better to keep your sanity.
CourtneyRyan’s lastest post..Wordless-ish Wednesday
Wish I was there and we could hit the bottle together. You need a break – a real break. You know a great place to take a break?
Cincin-freakin’-nati.
Amy in OHio’s lastest post..Palin in Comparison: “No issue stance yet recorded”
Yep. I know the feeling. All of it. The one thing we did with Babyhead (and a lot of people will tell me I am WRONG WRONG WRONG for doing it) is I do take him in my bed in the morning as long as DH is at work (otherwise there isn’t enough room). He usually goes back to sleep for at least another hour if not longer.
We did that since he was 18m old and had his own room. It worked for me…he was close to me, I got sleep…I even had the TV turn on at a certain time just in case he woke up before me he could watch Disney while I could take my time waking up. We still do that if Podling sleeps long enough…and sometimes she does. I am sure this time next year she will want to get in bed with us…and I will welcome it.
I love spending the morning in bed with my son…soon to be son and daughter when she is old enough. On the weekend’s DH wakes me up and brings both kids in with him and we all of us sit in bed for an hour.
Point is…try letting him in bed with you in the morning…but let him know it is ONLY in the morning after daddy goes to work (or whatever…I tell Babyhead the sun has to be up). He may go back to sleep then you can get some much needed rest as well.
Worked for me.
*hugs*
Sandy’s lastest post..Death is the Debt That All Men Pay
Does your husband read your blog? I couldn’t write anything like that because mine reads mine – and gets MAD if I put anything less than flattering about him in there.
Your post gives a clear glimpse into the life of a mom with young children. It is real. And the flip between rage and joy can be bewildering.
You need a break honey.
I always say, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”
(Don’t you hate it when people give you unwanted advice?)
A Serious Attempt at Fun’s lastest post..Triathlon Time 4 Me?
If it helps, I don’t feel like I’ve heard it 100 times before. I do feel like I’ve lived it 100 times before. {{{hugs}}} Somedays it’s just really, really hard, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. Shoot, some weeks it’s really hard. Hope today is better. Glad you feel like you can be honest. It’s not anything that anyone who’s home with their kids hasn’t experienced. I wouldn’t trade being home for anything, but that doesn’t mean it’s always sunshine and roses.
Mom24@4evermom’s lastest post..It’s so much easier when they’re little…
I remember having a conversation eerily similar to this with my mom. She refered to motherhood as relentless.
It truly is a perfect word to describe it. Hold on tight…it’s going to get better.
Slacker Mama’s lastest post..the cleaner
It’s going around. I wrote the same post last week
And I still haven’t gotten a break.
Sending hugs.
Kristin’s lastest post..And then there were three
Oh, man, can I relate and sympathize. I recently told my 8-year-old that she sucked. Who does that? Someone who recently completed a 5 week trip with them, sans hubby, and then missed out on a girls weekend away because of a debilitating migraine.
Would that suggested walk possibly include a stop at a local pub, because I’d sweat for THAT!
Keep on keepin’ on.
all things BD’s lastest post..Fashion Tuesd… Er, Fashion Thursday
What a hard and dark tunnel you are walking. It does get better, though I know it doesn’t help to hear it when you’re walking it.
Queen of Shake Shake’s lastest post..Everything’s A-Okay If Living with an Evil Genius Equals A-Okay
It doesn’t matter if you feel like you’ve written this before – you’ve got to get it out, so get it OUT!
Life can be so hard sometimes. Especially when you are sleep deprived and feel like all you do is clean up after people only to wake up and start cleaning up after people again.
All I can say is, I am right here with you AND, in the words of my mother: “This too shall pass”
Let’s just hope that we don’t lose our minds in the meantime.
Hugs honey. Try checking on him when he starts up (just to make sure he hasn’t got stuck in the bars of the cot) and then explaining that you’ll be in the next room until it’s time to wake up. It may take a few days, but eventually he should get the message.
Then sit down and talk with Tate – if you had a job outside the home and were unhappy I presume you’d talk it through with him. Treat this one no different. He probably has no idea how you’re feeling.
Jesus. You are in my head.
What the hell is going on here? Are we all under some kind of PMS mind meld?
I love you for writing this. However many times you think you have written it before. I love it anyway.
HUGS.
amy’s lastest post..To A Smart and Thoughtful Lurker
Totally feeling you…right down to those friggin fruit flies.
AND….Why do husbands feel the need to suggest we go for a walk? My DH always does that! ….what I’d really like is for him to take both kids on a walk…for about an hour and let me have the house to myself!
Hang in there. I swear it gets better.
I wrote a similar post today, about being tired.
Know, that you are not alone.
OHmommy’s lastest post..The Incoherent Ramblings of an overtired PTA SAHM
Take that walk. Even if it a walk is sitting in your room w/ the door locked. Or sitting in the car w/ the radio blaring. Do it!
Lori’s lastest post..Yikes!
Hugs hugs hugs hugs HUGS!
Oh, my, you could have been reading my mind. It’s a relief to know I’m not the only one with these feelings!!!
Sabrina’s lastest post..Big News
I could totally write this same post. Hugs to you, I hope your day gets better.
SJSFalter’s lastest post..Good For The Whole Family
Man, I could have wrote this! I relate. We(meaning my hub and I) always say people who don’t have kids wouldn’ believe it!
Mrs Mogul’s lastest post..It happened in Cairo!
Oh man.
Take that break offer and have a stiff drink.
I think almost every mom has been in your post…
oh honey. i know how this is. even though my baby is now 14 and long past that, i remember. all of it.
the only thing i can tell you is this:
this too shall pass.
i promise.
hugs.
the planet of janet’s lastest post..A tale of two shopping trips
I don’t know if this helps at all but I’ve totally been there too.
Get a babysitter asap. You DO need a break. You deserve one.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah’s lastest post..Three Embarrassing Confessions
“you have NO idea what it’s like to be home everyday with these kids. I do EVERYTHING for them. You have NO idea.”
That plays in my head at least once a day, more if my hubby is around (like on the weekends). I know it doesn’t help when it’s sucky, but you are not alone.
Shelly’s lastest post..Playing Catch Up
Parenthood, it has the ability to bring you to your knees or having you soaring in the clouds. And sometimes? Those two diverse feelings can hit within minutes of each other.
You do need to find a way to get some “me” time everyday, lest you lose your ever lovin’ mind.
Hugs
Have the T-Shirt’s lastest post..Some Things Never Change (And a Hint for Young Mothers Everywhere)
You need to pick Tate up by his balls (so you’re sure to have his attention) and make him understand that he needs to be supportive and attentive and he needs to help you and it ain’t ALL ABOUT HIM!!! YOUR job starts when you get up in the morning and doesn’t stop unitl you go to bed at night – and even then it doesn’t really stop.
How would HE like being nailed to his job for that kind of shift – every day – 7 days a week – 52 weeks a year?
He needs to understand what you do – day in and day out – is mind numbingly difficult to do – over and over again, day in and day out.
Make him get the dishwasher fixed.
Make hime hire someone to come in once in a while to help you with the house.
And let Carson scream. If you check him and he’ssafe and not hurt and not wet – turn around and go back to bed – turn the monitor down – he’ll stop screaming when he realizes he doesn’t have you wrapped around his finger.
I know. Unsolicited advice. Do with it as you will.
lceel’s lastest post..To, To, Tuesday
Those years when they’re little are precious and oh, so difficult at the same time. Hang in there.
HeatherPride’s lastest post..Warning: McDonald’s Toys Will Make You Blush
I know where you’re coming from and completely understand tha frustration and exhaustion that comes with giving everyday. Sometimes I just want to take. I hope you were able to get some time just to yourself.
I talked with a woman last week who said being a mom to young kids was draining, just the whole being completely responsible for safety and everything could really be exhausting. It was the best explanation for what I feel sometimes.
Meredith’s lastest post..What I did for free chicken…
*sigh* have you been living in my house? This sounds so horribly familiar.
Devan’s lastest post..Secrets
You know what? You should’ve taken the walk.
It’s OK to need some time to yourself. To walking away from the messes. To admtting that being a mommy is hard and frustrating and at times, really horrible.
You are not alone. And it’s OK to take some time to yourself.
moo’s lastest post..bucket list
((hugs)) xxx
such a raw post. love it. captured the feelings very well. the one i really liked was where you said you want to run away. sometimes mats will say – go upstairs and rest, OR he will say, I will take one of them and all I am thinking is, going upstairs is NOT enough. take one of them ?? please, i want you to take both and leave me….
i have said shut up to my kids…..you are not alone, you are a mom, dealing. and you are doing a fine job.
feener’s lastest post..I am Curious
I’m sure I’m not going to say anything different than the 33 people above me, but everyone has days, weeks, months like this and you are still a good mother. And human.
AndreAnna’s lastest post..It’s been a busy weekend
i so much could have written this myself. generally at times like these i plead doc for more zoloft. if other peoples kids mak you less angsty, maybe we could trade for awhile? hope you like the backyardigans.
britt’s lastest post..bitchfest!!
You’ve had a lot of kind words, but I thought I’d throw my two cents in, too. I know that a lot of moms feel this way – I know that I have. I’m not able to stay at home full time, and I admire the strength that SAHMs possess.
I haven’t been there yet, but I hear that “this too shall pass.” Not necessarily comforting when your baby is keeping you up at night and your toddler is tossing cups of milk on the floor, but it’s something to cling to.
Any other mommies in your area that you can turn to for support? Any chance of starting a “Mommy Co-Op” so that you could all get a little rest while someone else helps watch the kids?
iMommy’s lastest post..Changes!
I made my husband read this and he too was floored at how it (literally) hit home. I have said your exact words. He has said your husband’s exact words. I have felt at least two opposite emotions all day every day for over three years. Thank you for making me feel less insane by speaking my mind.
Heather of the EO’s lastest post..A Solo Vacation Daydream
I hate the walk idea….as if the same mess won’t be waiting for you when you get back!
If Carson’s waking up corresponds to the sun coming up, try room darkening shades. Both my kids’ rooms are pitch black except for the night light. Has helped.
I’m buying you a shot. No, ten shots.
*hug*
Miss’s lastest post..The imaginary perfect ending
I’m so sorry you’re having such a rotten time. I’ve been there. Heck, most of us have. The key for me has always been remembering to stay logical about it: it’s a bad period, but it won’t be like this forever. It WILL get better. Big hugs.
Feather Nester’s lastest post..To My 10-Month-Old Papoose
you need a break. you need to allow yourself a break! i’ll buy the alcohol
ali’s lastest post..the day after labor day
“Haven’t I written this post about a hundred times before”
I think we all have, or at least wanted to. I feel you sister. Hang in there!
mep’s lastest post..Visit it. Resist it. Admit it. Listen to it.
Were you in my head on this one???
If my husband says to me one more time, “You just don’t like me” I’m going to deck him! And I DO like him! It’s just not always about him.
I’m sorry! Big hugs and know that we know!
Alison-Mountain Momma’s lastest post..How Our Third Child Came to Be
Moms are like a well that just gets drawn from by everyone and everyone.
Make sure you take some time to let the well replenish, hey?
Hugs.
Angella’s lastest post..Seasons Change
Need a playdate? Or a sitter? Give me a call…
Amy’s lastest post..Mary Grace and School
I am right there with you. Only my resentment at doing doing doing revolves more around MY HUSBAND instead of my children. Hang in there. We’re gonna get through it. Your kids will grow up and my husband will…get hit by a bus?
Karly’s lastest post..My Money Tree? It Died.
Amazing post, so true. It’s hard sometimes, and I bet about 99% of the moms who read this will think “wow, was she writing about ME?”. (Hugs)
Hang in there, Mama. The challenges change, the constantly needy days will end. Those days were also some of my darkest. You’re not alone!
Headless Mom’s lastest post..Not a Good Start
how did you get in my head?
(keep hitting publish)
mrs. chicken’s lastest post..If You Have A Spare $2,000