I can hear him screaming over the monitor. Angrily I roll over to check the time on the clock. 5:48. Seething, I get out of bed, forgetting to stop and pee and march upstairs in the dark to his room.
I don’t know if I can do this again today.
“Mommy!” he screams. “Please don’t leave. Sit right here on the floor, beside me,” he pleads after I tell him that it’s not 7:00 yet and that Mommy is very, very tired and want to go back to bed.
I sit down wearily beside his crib, cursing inside. I wonder if he’s truly scared or if he’s just manipulating me. Also, I have to pee.
I promise him that I’m just leaving for a moment so that I can pee. “I’ll leave your door open. I’m just going right across the hall to the bathroom.” He starts to scream as I leave.
I turn to him and in my angriest voice, which surprises even me, I tell him to shut up and that I’ll be right back.
I only feel slightly bad that I told him to shut up. I hope he didn’t notice.
After he’s finally settled I go back to sleep for what seems like ten seconds, but rather it’s about 40 minutes. 6:58 is what I see on the clock as I hear Carson screaming for me again. Just to spite him, I want to let him scream for two more minutes until 7:00. Or to spite him, I want to go up to his room and scream at him to please just shut up and wait for f*cking 7:00.
I go in, scoop him out of his crib, saying nothing. The day begins.
*******
I look around the kitchen and notice the crumbs and fruit flies. My floor looks as if I haven’t swept or mopped since ever, despite having done both just two days prior.
There is a pile of dirty dish towels, in desperate need of washing and smelling like spoiled milk.
My washing machine is broken, full of water and wet towels.
*******
“Uh oh!” Ella squeals as she tosses her sippy cup, full of milk over the edge of her chair.
The cup is no longer full of milk.
It’s empty, the white milk in a puddle on the floor. Splashes of white milk dot the cupboards.
It doesn’t matter. The floor is already dirty.
*******
“You don’t even like me anymore. I can’t even joke around with you anymore.” In one respect, I hear Tate’s words and I feel badly that he could even think this. Of COURSE I like him. Of COURSE he can joke around with me, but after days of little sleep and constant battles, I need adult interaction. I need HIM to listen to ME.
Immediately his words make my heart harden and I feel my face redden with anger. “How dare he,” I think silently to myself. “All I do every minute of everyday is GIVE. What about me? What about thinking of MY feelings.” I say nothing.
*******
Ella is almost walking. She takes two or three hesitant steps, her arms out in front of her body for balance before she falls on her bottom. Over and over she stands up and tries again.
I smile at her and want nothing more than to swoop her up and feel her soft skin against my face and smother her sweet little neck with kisses.
In an instant I can go from feeling such rage to giggling in spite of myself.
*******
He asks if I need a break, just to get away. “Go for a walk,” he tells me. I can hear the annoyance in his voice and I want to shout back at him, “you have NO idea what it’s like to be home everyday with these kids. I do EVERYTHING for them. You have NO idea.”
I do need a break. I do want to get away.
NO. I want to RUN away.
“It’s too hot to go for a walk,” I say instead.
********
I consider not hitting publish.
But I do it anyway.
(Haven’t I written this post about a hundred times before?)
OMG this so reminded me of me the last few days. We had a night where I literally got 45 minutes of sleep AND I had a job interview the next morning. Do you ever just wish you were sleeping alone in a hotel? Just for a night or two?
*Applauds*
Burgh Baby’s lastest post..Burgh Perfect Staycation Step #6: Venture Out
[...] I don’t have a title, okay? [...]
this is me at least once a week – and my kids are 7 and 9.
jess’s lastest post..HA! The dollar is not as bad as it was…
I just stumbled onto this and all I can say is that I feel really sorry for your children. How do you expect them to act with such a witch for a mother? Wanting to spite a two year old? Grow up, lady.
@Maria: I feel really sorry for you that you felt the need to comment and call me names. It’s unkind to call people names. Please don’t come back, you’re not welcome in my community.
Food for thought. Mine are grown ups, but good to see mom’s are going through the same stuff.
And FYI, who is “LAMEN” and “What are his terms”? teeeee heeee
I just want to tell you, as a veteran mom whose children are now 16 14 and 8, that it DOES get better, and you will get through days like these, and despite the times where you feel like you’re losing it and no one understands, they do. Your kids are going to love you, today, tomorrow and years from now.
Mine do, and they don’t even remember the day they trashed the playroom so bad and had a million puzzle pieces strewn around, so my reaction was to take a trash bag and throw away every last puzzle piece. They are not scarred for life, though I beat myself up after the fact for days.
Absolutely loved your blog!! As a mommy to three teenage boys and one preteen boy, I’ve had my fair share of wanna get away moments. Even better is the husband wanna get away moments… “You mean you’re too tired to have three hours of great sex?” I hang my head down and silently wonder….Does he really get it? Too funny!!! Hang in there~ Now that my boys are older it is easier, its different in its many challenges but it does get easier. Thanks for your awesome blog. I look forward to reading more~
P.S.
I’m sorry people are writing mean, harsh comments re your blog. Please ignore them cause I truly valued the honesty you shared.
Take Care,
Juana
Awww, I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. And it really is essential that you get a break, for everyone involved. You deserve it. There is nothing more exhausting that dealing with kids all day–sure you love them, want to eat them up, and that time is precious–but it is also hard, hard work. It is the hardest work I have ever done, and I only have one child at present!
I can’t really help you, but I really appreciate this post, it voices what I and (I know) so many other moms go through on a regular basis.
anna’s lastest post..Attention: It’s Time for the Second Bimonthly(?)/Periannual/Bicentennial ABDPBT Sucky Sweepstakes!!
Thank you for posting this and thanks for it being on Stumble. I so needed to read this and realize I am not the only one. It gives me hope.
No, it’s not that Maria. It’s the Maria that would like to rip that Maria’s throat out and would defend you to death but will respect your wishes not to feed the trolls.
I love this post, I think mainly because I think you influence a lot of other mothers out there with your blog. I think there are a lot of new moms in the blogosphere that have these thoughts and feelings and experiences, and are shamed or even afraid of them. To read this probably lifted a weight for them. It’s a great thing.
((hugs))
Maria’s lastest post..I was so, so sure. And I was so, so wrong.
I know I’m late for this party…I mean post but I wanted to send hugs, lots of hugs and I wanted you to know that when I read your post I cried because my day is going down much the same, except that I have a sick kid and a husband that thinks I am whining when I ask him to stay home in case I need to take her to the hospital. Some days just suck.
tiff’s lastest post..Just when you were losing hope with humanity…
Oh man, if I could give you a hug thru the moniter, I would. Stay at home moms have the HARDEST job in the whole world. I admire all that you do all day long. I often bitch about being a working mom, and how I want to stay at home, but I know that I could never handle it. There will always be tough days, hang in there. It gets so much easier when they get a little older, I promise. Mine are almost 9 and 5 and it’s not as much damage control. Breathe. Tomorrow will be better~
amy’s lastest post..Stuff the Stuffed Animals
Man. That is a rough one. I think we have all been there. Sometimes it just builds and builds, until you just can’t go further.
I am glad that day is over. Amy was right…Cincinnati would be the perfect place for a break!
Shannanb aka Mommy Bits]’s lastest post..Sometimes You Just Can’t Stop Yourself From Yourself
I’ve been an ‘at-home’ mom for oh, all of 2 months now (barely) but am really starting to be able to relate to this. It’s hard! Much harder than any ‘job’ I’ve ever had. But oh, so much more rewarding.
Thank you for having the courage to hit the ‘post’ button!
Okay, a big GRRR-ending-in-OWL to “Maria” who I’d also like to slap. Ahem. I didn’t type that, just thought it.
I’m not “there” yet (with kids) but this summer, I traveled with a family (kids were 4, 2, and 8 months at the time) and I was their nanny for them while they were moving. I was essentially parent to 3 children, 24/7, for 10 days. There were about 5 days in a row where I had to wake up early with the baby, even when I wanted to sleep in…get the kids fed, happy, playing, do things with them, baby down for nap, oh bottles, more food for kids, diapers for two, potty break, swim in the pool, more food, naps, more food, dinner, diapers, baths, put them all to bed (a 1117 step process for each child). It was utterly EXHAUSTING. I feel like I can *almost* truly relate to what it feels like to be a parent now. It is emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. I had to scrounge around and find some fiber of my being that didn’t feel like screaming when the preschooler and toddler were fighting over toys (for the 101th time that morning) or when the baby was overtired and simply screamed and wouldn’t go down to bed. I called my Mom crying one morning because I was SO DAMN TIRED. It’s completely draining. It’s also wonderful. Now that I’m back in CA, and they’re all out in MD, I miss them terribly. Spending that much intense and routine time with kids inexplicably bonds you together like Crazy Glue. It can be both wonderful and ridiculously hard, although that seems so strange. I think I learned that this summer-an incredibly valuable lesson.
I feel for you Jennifer. I wish I could reach out and simply throw my arms around you. Or take the kids for a few hours-heck, a few days, and just give you a break. Or maybe both. But hang in there! I know you know it gets better, but I am so impressed and proud that you did hit the ‘publish’ button. It gives all of us a little dose of reality, and honesty is so good for the soul.
HUGS Jen.
Some days are shit like that.
And some days are priceless. Hopefully, the good ones outnumber the bad ones. And when they don’t have a drink.
A little one.
kristin’s lastest post..A drought and a search for inspiration
can i just say that tho the subject of your post sucks……… it was extremely well written!
may the rest of your days get better…..
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My own kids are 18 and 15 now (one at college for god’s sake) but still, I remember these days. I more than once screamed at a child because it was 5f-ing o’clock in the morning and there is no reason for you to be AWAKE at this HOUR go to BED until 7!!! As if she could tell time.
Dear girl, try to breathe, and know that it does change. I don’t want to say it “gets better or easier” because that’s not necessarily the truth. It changes. Instead of battling over what time they get up in the morning, you’ll be battling them to get up at all.
Candy’s lastest post..Another good reason not to be a poodle
Jennifer, I’ve been reading your blog for a while (and I live your favorite Southern state, too!) but never commented until I read this post.
I felt like you read my mind. I’m a new stay at home mom to a 9-month-old. You described the emotions I experience almost daily so perfectly. Some days are so tough, but I love my daughter with so much depth it constantly amazes me. I totally understand the wanting to escape! Honestly, being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I admire your courage to hit that publish button. It’s nice to know that there really are other moms out there that feels the same things as me. Daddies just don’t get it, do they? What I wouldn’t give for time for a pedicure or even part of a Saturday off!
Thanks from all of us new mommies out there…
i am so very late to this discussion. it’s been on my mind since i first read it yesterday.
i honestly believe that the angry reactions we have to our children are COMPLETELY normal and in fact they stem from our hard-wiring. seeing how mom gets pissed when they demand too much reinforces our children’s desire to learn more, to try more, to take more steps toward independence. it also exposes them to another emotion they are going to have to know how to handle from others.
please go easy on yourself. as a mom to two boys who are 1 year 1 month 1 week and 1 day apart, i’ve been in your shoes. they are now 7 and 8. somehow, we all survived.
be well. and go easy on yourself.
patty’s lastest post..stop the mommy wars
I wish I didn’t know this feeling.
I wish I hadn’t hit publish so many damn times myself on This Post.
But at the very, very least – know you are not alone.
And it does NOT last forever. ((HUGS))
Miss Britt’s lastest post..Nicotine Killed the Blogger
I just want to thank you for publishing this. I know how hard it can be to try and be the mother you want to be and watching yourself, as it were, being the mother you never wanted to be. We ALL have days like this – even the ones who came here to criticise you; but they’re too scared to admit it, just like they’re too scared to leave a forwarding address.
I need breaks too and rarely take them until I am at breaking point. I need to start dating my husband again and getting in a babysitter twice a month. Well done you for being the voice of so many of us.
Is a new washing machine in your future??
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This is me lately. I lost my job (thanks for your comment) and I’ve been just going through life like I’m trying to fight my way out of a black hole. I finally grab the edges to try to pull myself out and I’m sucked back in again.
It’s hard. It’s so hard.
And I’m so glad I’m not alone in feeling like this.
Robin’s lastest post..Life continues
Raising kids turns life into one long chore-filled day. Luckily there are also some great rewards for parents along the way.
As a stay-at-home-dad I relate strongly to the need for adult conversation.
Reservoir Dad
Reservoir Dad’s lastest post..A Home Dad, Oozing Dr Hook Coolness, Rocking His Children
honestly, people who would be offended by this post are clearly not the primary caretakers of their own little kids. if if they say they are they are liars.
it is not possible to be a normal human being and be day in day out with multiple, (or even one) little kids without at some point wanting to tell them to shut their cry holes, or without fantasizing about hanging them upside down in a closet by their toenails.
when my son was first born everytime he cried i *wanted to* (but didn’t) stuff a ball of socks in his mouth to shut him up. my newborn son. of course there was a major case of PPD involoved that required medication, but my point is kids make you crazy sometimes. literally. but you love them anyway because you are their parents.
little kids are made cute so you don’t strangle them. cuteness is their defense mechanism.
anyone who thinks otherwise can bite my ass!! and i’m not as nice to trolls. (or i wouldnt be if i had any at least. my mom is the only one who ever reads my blog. haha!)
litanyofbritt’s lastest post..bitchfest!!
I hear ya. I definitely hear ya.
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I’ve started attaching swiffer wet jet pads to the bottom of the moosh’s feet. Works wonders when she throws a foot stomping fit in the kitchen.
I personally enjoy a good walk in the mall to spend his money. Heh.
xoxo
moosh in indy.’s lastest post..blog fizzle. fo’ shizzle.
thank you for writing this! I need to show it to my husband to let him know that it is NOT just me. He doesn’t believe that others think/feel this, he thinks it is just me and that i need to fix “whatever is wrong”. thanks for letting me know I am not alone.
workout mommy’s lastest post..Kind of like a twinkie, but not really
I so totally can relate to this post, as I am sure a million other moms out there can. I especially hate when filling out surveys when the list “homemaker”. I hate that title worse than not having one at all. Add a puppy into the mix and life gets very interesting I must say!