How not to get rid of a vacuum cleaner salesman

September 11, 2008 | Filed in: Huh?, Men?

I arrived home the other afternoon from grocery shopping to find a very large man happily vacuuming my living room.

“Oh hi!” he said. Seeing my puzzled look, he continued. “I’m just vacuuming your living room!”

“Yes I can see that, but….” I said coolly. At the same time, Tate came into the room looking at me with wide eyes and a “help me” look. “He’s a vacuum cleaner salesman,” Tate explained.

The house was in complete disarray, the children were in the playroom screaming, there were bags and bags of groceries to be unloaded from the car, and it was time to start preparing dinner. And the vacuum cleaner salesman was trying to spout the wonders of his Kirby over the chaos.

I was not amused.

My darling husband kindly offered to retrieve the remaining groceries from the car, leaving me to deal with screaming kids and the fracking vacuum cleaner salesman, who continued jabbering on and on and vacuuming every surface of my house.

“See this flexible hose?! It’s great for getting to all those hard to reach places, like behind your TV. Wow! It sure is dirty back there…”

Annoyed, I attempted to calm my children and unload grocery sacks, AND start dinner. I completely ignored the vacuum cleaner salesman. Tate invited him in, Tate could deal with getting him to leave.

He kept right on talking (and talking), as if I were listening.

Tate finally completed the unnecessarily long process of unloading the groceries and went back to the vacuum cleaner salesman. I was sure that Tate could see my irritation, it was obvious in my glare. He surely could also hear the children crying because of hunger, and I KNOW he could see all the groceries that needed putting away. Head hanging low, Tate went to deal with the vacuum cleaner salesman.

The vacuum cleaner salesman apparently had some sort of mesmerizing effect on Tate. “How much would you be willing to pay for this vacuum?” he asked Tate.

I wanted to scream, “NOTHING. Please GO AWAY. Can you not see that this is a VERY BAD time?????” Surely I didn’t need to say anything. SURELY Tate would tell him to leave.

My darling husband kindly inquired about the price and told the man how impressed he was with the vacuum. I nearly screamed.

The vacuum cleaner salesman refused to give a price and somehow wrangled himself inside of our bedroom to give a demonstration of it’s “awesome” mattress cleaning abilities.

With the groceries put away, I began to fix dinner. I could hear the vacuum cleaner salesman wheeling and dealing with Tate.

“This is a one time offer. I’m just down from South Bend, doing the folks here in New Town a favor by offering you this Kirby.”

I can hear Tate stammering in reply. “Uh. We don’t. Uh. No. Uh. Can I just get your card? Uh. We’ll call you?”

After about TWENTY minutes of this “It’s a one time deal,” “Uh. No, we don’t want it,” the vacuum cleaner salesman finally gave up.

I wanted to scream, “Praise Jesus! He’s leaving, he’s leaving!!!”

That’s when Tate did the unthinkable. He said, to the ALMOST FINALLY DEPARTING vacuum cleaner salesman, “So, you’re from South Bend? You a Notre Dame fan?”

And that’s when my head exploded.

As I was picking up the remnants of my skull, I heard Tate offer the vacuum cleaner salesman a DRINK. A DRINK! For the next HALF HOUR, they talked football. FOOTBALL! All the while, the vacuum cleaner salesman is guzzling glass after glass of water and hinting about how the dinner I was preparing sure smelled good.

I know one thing. When you’re trying to get a MALE SALESMAN to leave your house, under NO CIRCUMSTANCE do you bring up fracking FOOTBALL, nor do you offer them food and drink.

Let this be a lesson learned.

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Your husband is either really nice or extremely touched in the head! I mean, I COULD HEAR you seething through the computer, how come he couldn’t?

Be glad you didn’t get it. Kirby’s suck. But not literally. Still kicking my husband and myself over that purchase…

Way to be restrained - I would have drop kicked both the salesman AND my husband.

If you need an alibi…. lol.

AAACCCKKK!!! I would KILL someone…KILL!

haha me with no tact would have unplugged the vacuum and said we’re not interested and you need to leave now.

i have zero patience for that crap, and i actually used to be a vacuum salesman.

my husband would do the same thing. and why in the world are there still people who sell things DOOR TO DOOR in the age of the internet.

We were once practically held hostage by a vacuum cleaner rep who came to our house before 6 p.m. and didn’t leave until after 9 p.m., and that involved me, once again, telling him that it felt like he was harassing us and I’d call the police. It was awful! I had a starving child. I was pregnant and irritable. The rep kept calling his “manager” to get us a better deal. On and on. So awful. It felt like a horror movie! I got the shakes for weeks later just hearing the word vacuum!

You missed your opportunity to say 10 bucks when he asked how much you’d pay for it! That would have made him leave in hurry.

We are married to the same man! The two-timing S.O.B!

The problem with men is …. Let me start over. ONE of the problem with men is they honestly believe if they BUY the vacuum, it will make the house clean. They forget someone has to USE the vacuum. And really, who wants to do that?

I think your head exploding is an accurate reaction. I would go nuts! I hate random people in my house. I should probably knock on wood, but I have never had any kind of door to door salesman, outside of kids trying to sell me magazine and chocolate so they can go on their class trip.

Men!

So did you let him stay for dinner?

LOL! I used to do this for a living. Not with Kirby, though. I was young and I needed the money.

I would have kicked that guy out faster than you can say “HEPA filter”.

Of course Tate started talking to him about football. THAT is too funny!

And I want to know too - did he stay for dinner? Are Tate and him planning on going golfing, or hunting, together soon?

Is he invited to the next neighborhood BBQ?

oh no you poor girl. That sucks-hopefully he left before dinner or you just let Tate and his new friend visit and ate without them.

I did not know that door to door vacuum cleaner salesmen still existed!

omg. HAHA!

Tate was probably afraid to be alone with you after his “friend” left. hehe.

I find this hilarious. Brian is the same way. He is a sucker. I am a sucker for anyone under the age of 16 trying to sell me something. I have a bullsye on my front door and they flock to me because I will not say no.

KEEP BELIEVING

O.M.G.!! I don’t know how you kept yourself so composed! My head practically exploded just reading your recap!

@feener: I KNOW!!! And when the guy kept saying it was a one time deal…like I couldn’t just go online and buy that stupid vacuum!

@Amy: No he didn’t stay for dinner!!

@Cathy: Ha! They probably should have set up a playdate, since I wouldn’t let him stay for dinner!

Oh my gosh. There are still door to door vacuum cleaner salesmen out there? That just flies in the face of my world order.

However, I think I’d need him to show me the vacuum’s performance in each and every room of my house before I was satisfied. And under my couch cushions.

I’m with all things BD - I had no clue there were door to door vacuum cleaner salesmen still.

I was first amazed by that, and second feeling really sorry for you about your dear hubby.

My hubby bought a newspaper subscription from some kid, giving the kid 20 bucks, which po’d me A LOT, and we’ve yet to receive a newspaper.

I’m taking the higher road and I’m not mentioning the fact that he gave up 20 bucks and we have no newspaper.

He’s also the type that’ll buy candy from strangers.

Sounds like something HD would do. I’ve been trying to train him to be better but it’s not always effective. My head would have exploded too.

I’ve gotten very good about saying no, sorry but NO, and closing the door.

Too funny!

My brother-in-law sold these vacuums for a while. He only went places where they sent him (people who’d asked for a demo). But when he was first starting he needed to try out his demo on family and friends. So while we were at my parents house he came over and did a shortened version. While he was vacuuming the living room for my mom, he found a dead mouse behind a piece of furniture. My mom was mortified. BIL just laughed and took care of the house. Good thing it wasn’t a real salesperson visiting. (BTW, my parents live out in the country near lots of fields and no matter what they do a few mice always sneak in each winter. Country living.)

Ha! Hubby made the mistake of letting a Kirby salesman in once, and we couldn’t get him to leave either. We even told him repeatedly that we would NOT buy one. At the end, he acted mad at us, but had the gall to ask for something to drink. Taken aback, we offered him water, juice or soda and he got even grumpier and said, “Don’t you have some beer??” What the heck? He was from South Bend too. Maybe it was the same guy??

Hey — at least you got your house vacuumed! And your mattress — though I hope Tate put the sheets back on!

I am from South Bend and I am almost positive that I know which Kirby salesman you are talking about. I just moved to a new neighborhood and I started lying to all the sales people and tell them that I already have a Kirby and that I am not interested in upgrading.

It’s hard to believe door-to-door salesmen still exist!

First of all, you are to be commended for not completely losing your shit. I’d have killed them both.

Secondly, please tell me that your hubs learned the error of his ways and gave you a foot massage last night while calling you pretty.

We have a Kirby. We love our Kirby. Not exactly thrilled with the way they’re sold, but it IS a really, really good vacuum cleaner.

@Mommy Daisy: We live right behind a soybean field. Come harvest time in a few weeks, I guarantee we’ll have mice in the house! Eww.

@southernfriedgirl: He did feel really badly because he knows how much I hate strangers being in my house. He’s apologized over and over again!

@Ashley: It’s a small world, I bet it’s the exact same guy!

@PsychMamma: I wonder if it was! He seemed disappointed when Tate only gave him water, but I think he really wanted what I was cooking for dinner. He all but flat out asked to stay.

I too fell for it once. While I must say I like the vacuum, I don’t like their tactics.

And my hubby left me w/ the “meat” man the other day. The guy was talking to him and he turned him over to me, since I’m the meat buyer. I could’ve killed him!

Well…. at least he didnt BUY the vacuum cleaner.

They still have Vacuume cleaner salesmen!!! My mind is offically blown!

I guess I am lucky…DH hates salesmen with a passion and always heads them off at the pass.

I’m dying to know…were your fixing your Carnitas?

Tate sounds like my husband. He will engage any human with a penis in conversations about football, no matter who it is or what we are doing or where we are trying to go. Good times.

@Slacker Mama: Ha! No, not carnitas, taco meat for taco salads!

I live in the woods, so traveling salesmen are hard to find around here. But oh my god if that happened at my house I would have killed my husband. Dead.
Kristin’s lastest post..Free time. Now what?

Gee, I didn’t think door to door salesmen existed anymore. Thank god they didn’t come to my house. I would have demanded to see his wares one more time in every room until my house was fully vaccuumed. Then I would set the cats on him:)

Mary Beth’s lastest post..LEAVE YER POLITICS AT THE DOOR

That sounds awful!! I would have been so irritated!!!

My husband will sit and talk with any salesperson. He won’t necessarily purchase the item but he will sometimes give them tips on how to sell better. Can get frustrating when I just want to leave or have the salesperson leave our house!

i didn’t know that actual door-to-door salesmen existed! i thought it was something you only see in movies! ha!

ali’s lastest post..true stories.

Dear God, Jennifer ~ I was just transported to a VERY unpleasant memory from my not too distant past. It was a time when I was babysitting for a toddler, a VERY fussy baby, as well as caring for my OWN toddler and newborn baby. Same. exact. experience - almost verbatim. (Mealtime, screaming and all.) Only I was left ALONE with the guy! All the kids were screaming, and he WOULD. NOT. LEAVE! I wanted to strangle him with my bare hands. I can completely empathize. Funny thing? One came to our door yesterday, and it was all I could do to not slam the door in his face. Luckily, my husband had just gotten home, and I sicked him on the guy, shutting the door behind them. ha! Seriously, what’s the deal with the door to door? Yeesh.

Mandy’s lastest post..Boilermakers for a day

Sorry to take Tate’s side, J, but when it comes to Irish football, I would’ve let the guy stay overnight.

Anglophile Football Fanatic’s lastest post..Leave a Message

THANK SWEET BABY JEEBUS it wasn’t Monday Night Football.

And WHY on earth do vacuum salesfolk pitch the vacuum has a lifetime warranty and will last forever?

Somehow I think vacuum technology just MIGHT improve in my lifetime and I may want another 1 or 2. Just sayin’.

WOW. I don’t know which part is more amazing. Tate asking if he wanted a drink or the fact that door to door vaccuum salesmen still exist! My husband’s the same way, though. He spent 40 minutes in our yard the other day talking to a guy from Edward Jones Investments while our child screamed and showered me with his dinner. They must have hit it off–the guy sent him a little note in the mail the next day. Precious, huh?

Wow, I didn’t realize they still had door to door vaccum cleaner salesmen! I thought they went out of fashion when we got the Internet.

Here’s how I would have gotten rid of the guy.

Guy: Do you want to buy this vaccum to replace the perfectly good one that you already have?

Me: Let me ask you a question first. Will it clean the house on it’s own like my Roomba? Magically clean dustbunnies I don’t even know about from underneath my furniture? Will it make me a martini after a long hard day and tuck my imaginary childen in at bedtime, tell them a story, and get them the ten thousand glasses of water that they demand until they pass out from exhaustion each night? No? Then NO YOUR SWEEPER IS WORTH NOTHING TO ME!! NOTHING!!

I had the same thing happen to me about 6 months ago…but I was gone and my husband got him to clean half our house. I did a post about it….

http://designhermomma.blogspot.com/2008/04/clean-carpetthanks-sucka.html

Stupid salesman (not to offend all the sales people here at the blog)

On the bright side, you don’t have to vaccuum again for, like, maybe a month. That’s worth something…

I would have to agree - wasn’t it worth the price of a glass of water to have your whole house vacuumed? LOL

I have met my torture with the Kirby dudes too. I just had boy number 3 and had my parents over to visit. Somehow he broke through the door and started cleaning my carpet..and then he wanted to vacuum my mattress and I said oh hell to the no. Then some magic trance came over me and I got suckered into buying a vacuum.
The thing is they are drumped off by their coherts and pretty much are “stuck” there until they can come back around to get them. I hate that I’m so nice.
The rainbow dudes will be next..they only stop by when “friends” reccomend you. Those “friends” are no longer friends of mine. : )

Ya know, I think that is actually a sales tactic. Like, stay as long as possible so that people will just BUY THE DAMN VACUUM to get the salesman the hell out of the door.

You’ve got my money now, so leave for God’s sake already!!!

see, how effective it is? If you’d just plunked down the cash he would’ve been gone at least 60 minutes earlier.

@Texan Mama: It would have cost us $2100 to get him out of the house!!!

Oh my gosh. I am pretty sure that by that time I would have been SCREAMING.

I think my head would’ve exploded by that time. My sympathies!

We were trapped by a Rain Soft guy for 3.5 hours once. Never again will a salesman enter my home. Ever. Word of warning: DO NOT, under any circumstances, agree to a “water test” over the phone or in person!!!

Molly’s Mom’s lastest post..Milestones

This is when it’s fun to have a husband who likes to mess with people. He might let the guy in, but he’d also have the guy convinced that we were polygamists or something.

jerseygirl89’s lastest post..No, I’m Not Dead

I hear you. I can one up you. We had a van of the salesman come to our house. Offering free samples of cleaners before saying what they sold. They wouldn’t leave me be until I finally said, leave I don’t want a a new vac. so end of story. They were doing drive bys and we had to call the cops. Freaks selling Kirby. Too bad for Kirby.

Sommer-Green&CleanMom’s lastest post..A Snapshot of Motherhood

isn’t it nice when the husbands make their own playdates? and they say women can’t say no!

Sissy’s lastest post..A Little Help, Please?

MPS is brilliant with these guys. He ‘baffles them with bullshit’ and you can SEE them trying to back towards the door.

Next time I will send him round for you.

I hope that guy tells the Fuller Brush Man not to bother
thatgirlblogs’s lastest post..I’m F*ing Matt Damon

Girl, I hope your entire house was clean when that man finally departed. Oh, I hope. For Tate’s sake.

BTW, is Tate still alive?

Mama DB’s lastest post..Hello and welcome to Stressville.

Oi! The Kirby salesmen! They always come to my house right at naptime and ring the door bell like three times! Just as I get my kids in their beds! “Can we shampoo your carpet?” IRRR! I finally put a no soliciting sign on my door bell, because they came like once a week.

The Farmers Wife’s lastest post..Rushing Slacker

All I can say is I am so glad I have never had door-to-door salespeople coming to my house!

And I am hoping that by some twisted law of the universe they don’t start now…

Egads. I am glad he finally left!

Stacy (mama-om)’s lastest post..Basketball-head Boy

We had a Kirby guy come around one night. I felt so sorry for him though, cos we weren’t going to buy a vacuum cleaner that cost more than our car! When he was in the house it was like he was on jumping beans, and when he finally heard the NO, it was like we’d unplugged him - very sad to watch.

After weekly visits of people trying to get us to change our phone plan or power supplier (and lying in the process about what we have and what they can deliever), we now have a sign at our door reading “We are not interested in changing our power/gas supplier or telecommunications provider. Please don’t waste our time and yours.” Works wonders…except for the guys wanting us to join up for karate…

Bwahahaha. What an um, interesting experience. Read: freaking annoying. Although in theory, a door-to-door salesman selling vacuums sounds kinda cute. KINDA. Okay, not really. Just for some reason reminds me of The Music Man.

Don’t ask.

Absolutely, easily read and it’s absolutely the truth.
Ha! Ha! I don’t know what you like to read, just light read here…

Lela Blonde’s lastest post..A Totally Optional Prompt

Oh, I saw a huge man standing by something by your mailbox FOREVER the other evening. It only caught my attention because the dude was wearing a screaming orange shirt that you could see from miles away. I was a little worried for you guys because he didn’t leave, he just stood there. I almost called you but decided you must see the crazy man standing at the end of your driveway FOREVER and it didn’t look like he was trying to get in your house. I guess he had already been there and was just waiting for “Tate” to invite him BACK in. hahahha! SO glad he didn’t do the “walk of shame” to my neck of the woods.

Heidi’s lastest post..I hear angels singing a happy tune

O.M.G. I could have written the same damn thing!!!! That sooo happened to me on like the 2nd day of us moving into our home. I left my husband here and he let that fucker in to vacuum our carpet. THEN took us over to vacuum our mattress and try to scare the shit out of us about what we are laying on. Dude, I use mattress pads and sheets so that shit doesn’t scare me as much as it should.

I would have had to strangle my husband if he invited him for a drink though LMAO.

Kelly’s lastest post..She has waited over 30 years

Ha! Madness lives in South Bend and is OH SO NOT a Notre Dame Fan. PLEASE keep our Kirby Salesman.. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD Keep him!
Love
Madness

Madness’s lastest post..Where Typhoid Suzie is actually Lotus Carroll

I assume that the salesman has moved in with you and is a member of your family by now, right?

Marinka’s lastest post..You Say Tomato

Dear Tate-
SHOOSHY.
xoxo-Casey

moosh in indy.’s lastest post..Titles vs. Truths.

OK. I had no idea that vaccum cleaner saleman even still existed. Sometimes men are clueless…. Did he end up staying for dinner?

Shannanb aka Mommy Bits]’s lastest post..It’s Not Me, It’s You.

vacuum cleaner salesman? they still do that? shit, really? for honesttogod reals? you’re shittin’ me.

Also? if my hubby did what tate did? i’d rip off his head and pour his drink down his neck. just sayin…

Kia’s lastest post..Junior Kindergarten, Round 2

Yikes. Why do men always let these people in our houses?

We had the Kirby salesman in our house once, too. He was trying so hard to explain the deep cleaning abilities of the thing, and I kept glaring at Aaron for letting him in.

Why? Our house was one week old. The carpets were brand new. I didn’t need a stupid new vacuum cleaner. It took forever to get rid of him.

Christina’s lastest post..Coins Aren’t For Buying Stuff, They’re For Stuffing Pigs (duh)

seriously, I could not do this without you. thanks jennifer

I have no words. No words at all. I would have had words for him, but right now I’m just speechless.

canape’s lastest post..The coda and cadence

I think my fav. is your usage of fracking… lol

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Nice to Meet You

I'm Jennifer, Mom to Carson, 3, and Ella, 1. Wife and Bossaholic to Tate. My claim to fame is that I'm the #1 search result on Google for "kids pooping in pools!!." You can follow me on Twitter, see my stumbles at StumbleUpon, view my photos on Flickr, and contact me by email.

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2008 Booklist

~~Pillars of the Earth~~ B-
~~East of Eden~~ A-
The Kite Runner
~~Memory Keeper's Daughter~~ C+
Water for Elephants
~~Nineteen Minutes~~ B-
~~HP and the Deathly Hallows~~ A++
~~Running W/ Scissors~~ A
The Rabbit Factory
Waiting for Birdy
~~Life of Pi~~ A
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~~The Hour I First Believed~~ A
~~Twilight~~ C-

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