I’ve been trying to write these words for days and haven’t been able to form my muddled and numb thoughts into sentences. In a very short amount of time, my life has been completely turned upside down. I vacillate between intense woeful crying jags to sheer, bitter rage where I want to hit someone.
Tate has been transferred AGAIN.
We are moving to Tennessee.
I feel bitterly angry that I allowed myself to finally feel at home someplace. In the ten years that I have been with Tate, we have moved at every request of the company. For me, I moved begrudgingly and suspiciously and have watched over my shoulder and held my breath waiting for his company to call with our next move.
This time, though, I allowed myself to dream what it would be like to raise my children here, in THIS place. I allowed myself to breathe after ten years. I immersed ourselves into this town and embraced all it had to offer. We have made friends and we have made plans. We have made a life and a home here in Indiana. Never once had it occurred to me that I shouldn’t root myself and branch out and allow myself that hope of home.
I feel bruised and numb all at the same time.
Right now I have no desire to write. My mind swirls with nothing except relocation companies, mortgages, real estate, and moving vans. I don’t know if I’m taking a blogging hiatus for awhile or if the desire to write will return as I digest and stew on this information. If you’ve recently emailed me, I will reply sometime. I’m purposely ignoring my inbox because I simply do not have the power to think past myself and my family right now.
And you want to know something funny? I just got my Indiana driver’s license last week. I’m supposed to pick up my Indiana license plate tomorrow. [insert maniacal laughter and tears]