If you like spewing your superior parenting practices, THIS! is the post for you! Keep reading!
We are having mealtime issues. Possibly I should say Carson is having mealtime issues, as in: He never eats. Possibly I should say I am having mealtime issues because my son doesn’t eat the meals I lovingly prepare and toil over. Oh and they’re the meal he specifically asked for.
Here’s how a typical day goes down.
“Carson would you like waffles or cereal for breakfast?”
Note how I offered him two choices, rather than just saying “What do you want for breakfast.” This should count for some points in my favor as far as good parenting is concerned. I’m just sayin’.
“Waffles! Blueberry waffles!” he says, so convincingly that I’m certain that despite past behavior, TODAY he’s actually going to eat those gosh darn waffles!
Note that I’m aware of the definition of insanity…”doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Um. Yeah.
Once the waffles are served, Carson REFUSES TO EAT THE GOSH DARN WAFFLES *spoken thru clenched teeth, with a firm scowl*. Sonuvabitch.
I calmly (yeah, right) explain to Carson that this is breakfast and if he chooses not to eat, that’s fine, but there will be nothing else to eat until lunch time.
Twenty DAMN minutes after breakfast, he starts begging for a snack and continues to beg until lunchtime when I serve him his requested lunch of PB&J and peaches.
Which he doesn’t eat. Instead he drinks his milk, in one giant gulp and pronounces lunchtime over.
Twenty DAMN minutes after lunch, he starts the snack begging AGAIN.
Dinner: see also Breakfast and Lunch.
I KNOW that he’s not going to starve and that he’ll eat when he’s hungry. I also know that he’s filling up on milk and then not feeling hungry, so I’ve already banned liquids from mealtimes. I’ve also considered just putting his breakfast/lunch/dinner in the fridge and giving that to him when he asks for a snack.
I’m torn as to whether I should continue to be firm in not giving him a snack when he hasn’t eaten even one bite of his meal, or giving him his uneaten meal as a snack, not letting him drink milk with his meal, or if I should lock my doors and wait for Child Services to come a-knockin’.
Also, I’m trying really, really hard not to let this be a power struggle. But FRICKITY FRACK, I’m not his personal restaurant and he cannot survive on milk and snacks alone! Certainly Dr. Sears or Dr. Brazelton or Dr. Whothefrickever wouldn’t approve of a diet rich in milk and John Deere fruit snacks.
Help?
Put on your best assvice thinking caps and let your vast parenting knowledge flow. Carson’s future depends on it.
Huh… I had this problem with my kids for awhile. I finally banned all drinks except water all day except the one “special” drink they get. My son was definately using milk as food. Now my kids eat more, but still I have to force them to eat. It drives me NUTS when my friends kids eat entire meals and my kids ask if they can leave the table after four bites.
/screams loudly
I would go with no snacks and the idea of bringing his food out when he asks for it is PERFECT. Give him no other choice but to eat what you want him to eat. If he refuses meals then you give him snacks because he’s whining for them, he learns how to trick you.
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I have no advice since I’m not there yet… but I would probably say you’re doing it right. Just give him his meal when he asks for a snack. Don’t give him anything else because he’ll quickly learn that he can get the yummier snacks just by begging. My son has favorites, but cant’ really tell me what he wants yet…
Im useless in the help department. My youngest doesnt eat jack either. I will check back to see what advice you get. Ive tried tons and in the end its all up to him. ARGH!
meal for snack
I’m on the meal-for-snack wagon. I think he’s filling up on milk and holding out for snacks.
dysfunctional mom´s lastest post..I Know This Much Is True.
i’d do the meal as snack thing, too. and i’d add to that if my kids didn’t eat breakfast, it got served for lunch, which got served for dinner. as long as it hadn’t gone rancid it was what was offered.
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I would go with the meal for the snack. I would also stop giving him any choices as to what he wants to eat. Explain to him that once he becomes a better eater, he will be able to make choices.
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Oh I HATE this crap!
I think you hit it right on the head – put his meal in the fridge and when he asks for it 20 minutes later, give it to him (COLD).
He’ll learn that there’s a consequence (cold food) to not eating with the family.
In our house, if we didn’t like what was served we got a PB&J. There were no other options.
Amy
Well, this goes against what everyone else has said but maybe there is too much emphasis being placed on mealtimes?? I just let my 3-year-old graze all day. That’s his eating style. He doesn’t like big meals but it doesn’t really matter as long as it’s all healthy good stuff that he eats all day long, what he eats at meals doesn’t matter. I really wouldn’t try and regulate fluids and stuff too much. I guess I’m just a bit more freeform than most. Hehe.
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We’re just beginning to experience this issue ourselves, to a lesser degree, but it’s already driving me batty.
Also – totally impressed with your less cursing efforts!
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I would serve the meal as a snack (but I would warm it up).
Quinn used to fill up on milk at meals, so he couldn’t have any milk until he ate about half of whatever it is we were eating.
Good luck!
Cathy´s lastest post..Sometimes a 4 Year Old Knows Just What You Need
This is going to sound heartless, but speaking as a mother of a picky eater, here’s what we did:
He simply didn’t eat until meal times. He didn’t get a choice about his food – he ate what was in front of him, or not at all. And I told him, repeatedly (and still do), that I’m not his personal chef. (“Sorry champ, the world doesn’t revolve around you.” I said that a lot while he was growing up.) He can make suggestions once in a while (the whole family does), but I was not about to cook him something special, just for him. He ate what everyone else ate.
He wasn’t allowed snacks unless he ate a good portion of the previous meal. The same applies now – the boy LIVES for cereal. He likes eating cereal right before bedtime. However, if he didn’t touch his dinner, he doesn’t get his cereal. If he whines about being hungry (which he always does), I just tell him he’ll have to eat a bigger breakfast. (There’s that heartless thing again).
At first, I tried to make him eat so many bites before he was allowed to leave the table, but he was so stubborn, that he would sit for HOURS and never take a bite. I finally figured, eh, if the kid is hungry he’ll eat. If he’s not, he won’t.
He eventually started eating because he was hungry. He wasn’t happy about it, and we still have problems with him eating (he’s 13!! But puberty is kicking in and now he HAS to eat), but he now knows it’s either what’s in front of him, or nothing at all.
He’s pushing his limits, as all kids do, you’ll just have to be strong and consistent in whatever you decide to do. If you’re wishy-washy, he’ll continue to drive you crazy and suck you dry.
Good luck!
I’m going against the grain, but I’ve always let mine eat whenever he wants. It wasn’t worth the power struggle over it for me. Now that he’s older, he can get his own breakfast and lunch when he’s hungry. Dinner is after taekwondo so he is always hungry and we get a family meal out of the deal.
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We’re in the same boat at the moment. Carter won’t eat a damn thing besides bananas, crackers and cheese.
Dinner takes about 45 minutes of him just sitting there and occupying himself with ANYTHING but his meal. He makes friggin’ rocket ships with his spoon / fork!
We’ve been trying to tell him that if he doesn’t eat his dinner there’s no TV shows before bed. We haven’t been that successful with it because he just doesn’t care. And the kid LOVES tv.
Definitely keep milk to a minimum. We give our boy milk in the morning when he wakes up and then milk right before bed. Kids can get most of the caloric intake from milk, so while milk does a body good (ha, ha), it really screws up meals.
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Mine are both picky eaters (the younger more so as he’s getting to “that age”). We’ve done the “x many bites” thing and they don’t drink anything until they’re done (some water halfway through if they *really* need it). Even so, right now a large proportion of their diet is oatmeal, Spaghetti O’s, grilled cheese and Goldfish crackers and my oldest (the picker of the two) still has to be cajoled/threatened/reminded to eat almost every.single.bite.
I wish I had some sage advice to give, instead of yet another “yeah, me too!”.
Love the new digs, I don’t have kids, but mom used to do the whole “if you don’t eat it now, its what you get when you ask for a snack” thing with us. Breakfast was usually cereal, so it was pretty gross soggy…
Hang in there!
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I’ve looked through the comments and most of the advice here looks similar to what we did with our boys – except for the grazers.
No choices until they were earned. And earning choices meant eating what’s put in front of you – WHEN it’s put in front of you.
If you didn’t eat a meal – don’t look for snacks. The answer is no.
Hungry? Wait for dinner.
No milk until your dinner is eaten. Or a small, SMALL allotment of milk with the meal and as much as he wants after, AFTER a sufficient amount of the meal has been eaten.
Acting out means a time out in the corner.
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If my kids don’t eat most of their food, I just wrap it and stick it in the fridge. And if they ask for something, as you said, in 20 minutes, the only option available to them at that point is whatever it was they didn’t eat before. That’s what I normally do…
I agree with the majority in offering the same meal for snack. I would also suggest that it be done in a non-confrontational way. Just cheerfully (!) warm the food up if needed and offer it to him. If he doesn’t want it, no big deal, it just gets saved for later. If you’re nonchalant about it, then he will probably not fight you as much.
Also remember, at this age, they really don’t need as much food as we think they do, and looking at their diet over a week’s time, rather than day to day will give a better perspective on their nutritional intake.
Whew, thanks for the opportunity to give free assvice. How refreshing!
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welcome to my life.
my dr. recommended always offering a peanut butter sandwich as an alternative to what i’m making/serving. he can choose to eat that…and if he doesn’t, no snacks until the next meal.
he learned really quickly to eat SOMETHING at the meal.
heh.
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You’re more patient than me; I know what my family likes, so I just fix meals and they eat what I fix. I do sometimes let the kids choose a meal, but they’re old enough now that they don’t change their minds.
I would try re-serving the rejected meal. Probably not a good idea to give him something other than that for a snack.
Sorry, no advice, just condolences. My 3 year old is the WORST EATER EVER. She lives on milk and goldfish. I know she is filling up on milk, but I add Carnation Instant Breakfast so she gets more nutrients. I know I should stop the milk, but it has already become such a huge habit, it would be miserable to live with her. And I figure that milk is at least good for her. And she never drinks juice.
So I guess what I am saying is that I will be watching your replies for advice myself!
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Okay, we must have the same child. My doctor told me a long time ago not to battle with them about meals…they will eat when they are hungry. And yes, I too, have had days where he eats nothing but crap.
It seems my son wasn’t eating because Diego was on, or he was too busy playing….so I did what any mom would do…set up a picnic in the living room. THat is where he eats lunch every day..and he eats too. I’ve just decided that if I want him to eat, we’re going to have to do it his way for a while..and if that means on a blanket in front of the t.v., so be it.
I think I would give the meal back as a snack. Maybe he just wasn’t hungry 20 min earlier or wanted to play something else and was distracted.
Kids are weird. Wish they came with a manual.
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I have been known to offer up the same plate of food at 4 different meal times until either they ate or the food started to become a health hazard.
I am NOT a personal servant, nor will I be treated as such.
Do the meal for snack thing, he’ll change his tune pretty quick. And if he doesn’t, I’d say being hungry will be the least of his worries.
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I am the mom of 3 teens so I KNOW that I have NO superior parenting skills. I do remember our pediatrician telling me to never make food or meals an issue though. To not express frustration or pleasure at their eating. The “they’ll eat when they want to” theory. And he did feel snacks (healthy ones – apples, peanut butter) were fine. Milk is healthy too. I don’t know if he was right or wrong but it worked for us. And I truly believe he was the greatest doc. Good luck! Soon you’ll be worried about finding condoms in their pockets when you do laundry. Oh whoops – that might be me, not you!
You can always just leave the meal out for a while. Maybe when the pressure is off and no one is paying any attention, he’ll eat. If you’re hovering over him and he feels like you’re in charge, he’ll refuse. Make his food, put it on the table and tell him it’s there when he’s ready. Go about your day and don’t say a word. It is just a power struggle.
My children (3 and 5) are great eaters. I don’t put pressure on them and they can eat or not eat- give them the power and they’ll be happy!
Well, knowing that he won’t starve to death is step one in maintaining your parental sanity! The next step is to figure out the bare essentials you’d like him to eat. My rule to my kid is “eat the fruit or vegetable” – and that’s it. My feeling is that as long as he at minimum eats the either the fruit of vegetable I give him, he’ll survive. Everything else on the plate is up to him. And I give him a time limit. And most importantly, a dessert he must earn. So it goes like this: you have 20 minutes on the clock. To earn your dessert, by the time the timer goes off, all the vegetables (or fruit) must be gone. If not, no dessert. It works like a charm. And he usually ends up eating the other stuff just because (never all of it, but enough for me to know he’ll do a little better than just survive). Dessert is a powerful motivator. I’d rather him eat some sugar if it means he’ll also get the essential fiber and vitamins he needs too.
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OK, I have no kids, (so I totally understand if you stop reading here…because yes, I am one of “those people”) But I have watched my sisters with their 8 kids. AND, I have watched a ton of Jon & Kate Plus 8. And her take on the whole meal thing? Which she SAYS is backed up by pediatricians? Is that kids will NOT allow themselves to starve to death. They will eat when they are hungry. (even if it takes 2 months) So she offers them the meal, and if they don’t eat it, tough.
That being said, I can’t imagine how hard it is just to do what you are doing.
I was “that kid” who didn’t eat, and my parents were like “Oh well, go to bed hungry, we made you food, there are starving children in Ethiopia.” (we also only got water with our meals) Once I got to college and I realized how precious food is to survival, I became much better.
So hang in there, there’s hope…even if it is 15 years down the road when he moves out!!
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My kids were in the grazing camp, and that’s how they survived the early years. I happened to believe that five or six “mini-meals” throughout the day was the way to go. And the older two eventually got to regular meals. The youngest will in time as well.
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Yes, continue being firm. He is pushing his limits. Babyhead went through the EXACT same phase…it took a while but he eventually got the idea. Also, try not to get him too many snacks…I know it sounds cruel if he is hungry…but he is going to have to BE hungry to get over it. If he knows that you will give in with a snack then he will keep on.
We had to cut out all juice and milk all day for a Loooong time…he only got water…until he finally started eating again. I know, it seemed like he was in prison LOL…but it worked and now he is eating a lot better.
If patience is a virtue then having kids makes you virtuous.
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OK, my inner Freud is kicking in. What is the only thing kids can control? Food & Potty. So what is out of control in Carson’s life? Hello, the move. Maybe he is trying to have some control over things… Thank goodness it isn’t the potty part. (I could very well possibly have NO IDEA what I am talking about, but that’s what came to mind.) Call me, I’ll let you vent.
There is just NO right answer here. All three of my kids went through this (starting right about the age of 3!), and I feel as if I’ve failed them ALL.
What we’re doing lately…. There are set meal/snack times. They are allowed to eat only during those times. If they do not eat, they have to wait until the next meal/snack time. My husband argues with me that the snacks (which is usually fruit or toast or crackers) is keeping them from eating their meals. I try to be all “zen” about it and “just let it go.” I feel their snacks are light enough that it shouldn’t be interfering with dinner–and at least they’re eating something healthy.
Um, I fail MISERABLY at that zen thing. It’s so, so hard not to get offended/ticked off when the kids refuse to eat what I’ve cooked. I REALLY need to work on this.
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Ooh, I’m so mean about this. I leave the food on the table for an hour. After that, it’s gone. And the kitchen is closed. If you’re hungry, too bad, so sad. I’ll see you at lunch. Lunch time, same thing. and at dinner too. Because I am NOT a restaurant and I do NOT take orders.
And it’s taken at *most* 3 days for people to realize that I’m serious. You just have to be a Nazi in the meantime.
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i fear this! i myself am a very picky eater, and i am very worried about setting a good example to littlebean.
i read the other advice you’ve gotten and i’m glad i did b/c i never knew milk was an issue.
i think you’re doing right to be firm and not giving snacks. offering the meal later sounds like a logical option to me.
my pickiness is mainly w/ veggies. so it was an issue at dinner only. i went to bed w/o eating many a time! not sure if i’d do the same to LB, but i def. know i won’t give bedtime snack if it’s not “earned”
i wish you luck. and please- do a follow up post sometime and let us newbies learn what worked for carson.
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Luckily, I don’t have picky eaters. But, we do have a huge snack problem in our house. The kids will eat their meal and then want a snack 15 minutes later, and another snack, and another and another and another.
We did enact rule, finish your entire meal or no snack. And we have put their meal in the fridge and offered that to them as a snack. BUT, we are still in snack hell. So really, I don’t have any good advise.
Good luck! And sorry
I’m one of those slackers who doesn’t worry about what the kid eats. Some days she’s good, other days she sucks. However, there are no “fun” snacks in our house. If somebody wants a snack, they best go pick some tomatoes out on the deck, dig some carrot sticks out of the fridge, or talk sweetly to me until I peel them a banana.
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Maybe try the muffin tin meal idea, at least for lunch. Take a muffin tin and fill each hole with just little bits of something different (and healthy). There’s bound to be quite a few things he’ll eat. It looks like a snack, but it’s actually a meal. If it’s a hit, begin using the muffin tin meal as a reward (read: bribe).
Maybe try delaying breakfast, too. I’ve found that if I don’t feed my kids first thing in the morning (including no milk), and instead wait 30 minutes or so, they eat a much better breakfast. With my kids, at least, their stomachs sometimes just need to catch up with their brains.
I got nothing for you. I’m so desperate to get my kid to eat I let him eat a flower the other day (which resulted in him getting ant bites on the inside of his mouth). Best of luck!
Little Miss is 9 and she pulls that crap too. I have taken to putting her plate in the fridge and when she comes back I hand her plate to her. She is getting better about eating during meal time, cold mashed potatoes will do that. Good Luck!
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My head is exploding from conflicting advice. WHY does parenting have to be so darn hard!?! Can’t they just, you know, do it! Ack.
Do you feel he’s playing a game with you by asking for blueberry pancakes and then refusing them? If he is, I think I’d reserve the previous meal he refused to eat.
My kids went through stages where they ate little and then stages where they ate ALL DAY LONG.
Or he could be going through that wonderful stage of 3 where they REALLY realize they are their own person and can piss people off through noncooperation and stuff.
This parenting stuff is so damn tough and it drives you crazy. In the meantime, while you take away the milk, be sure to have plenty of wine yourself. ha!
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I think it’s normal. I hope it’s normal. My 2 year old does the same exact thing. Oh, oh, please let it be normal. LOL.
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In our house, they eat what’s served and that’s it. No snacking in between. If they don’t eat a meal they don’t eat again until the next meal. Occassionally, I’ll let them have fruit if they haven’t eaten or as a snack, but it’s rare. Eventually, he will eat. Promise!
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My own parents get a FAIL for mealtime manner-teaching. It was so stressful. Lots of crying at the table and no leaving until we were finished, etc. etc. I partially blame it for my later eating disorder.
ANYWAY.
My own toddler is one of the best eaters I’ve ever known (adults included). I don’t think this fact is a result of my own parenting but more a personality thing. However, I have so far subscribed to the grazing method with him and tried really hard to not make food a “thing” in the house.
But if you don’t want to go this route, I think that offering simple choices, like you do, and keeping the rejected meal as one of the next two choices he gets when he claims he’s hungry is a good way to go. And yes, cut back on the milk.
Good luck. Your family is under so much stress with the move, I’d think hard about what method will lessen it. As long as you avoid cooking special meals/catering to him like a short order cook, I don’t think anything you do will create “bad habits.”
Wow, I’m long winded today!
Oh, a couple other tips- have him help make the food, it might be more intriguing to him. Like w/ the waffles he can put them in the toaster. Also, always give something to dip. Whether it be syrup (cut the waffle into strips and let him dip), ranch, peanut butter or ketchup for other meals. I swear if they can “dip” anything it makes it easier.
Lori´s lastest post..Making a Great First Impression
My friend brings out the same meal until it is eaten. Her son eats well usually. I dont’ think it is a coincidence. Hang in there. Mealtimes in squirrelly-ville are troublesome as well at times.
I was/AM a picky eater. Amd if I didn’t eat what was for lunch, I had it for dinner. And maybe for snack. I say hold out, kids learn quickly how to get what they want, and then abuse the power.
Stand firm, mommy. You can do it.
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