My specialty as of late is procrastinating. At some point in my life, I was a self-starter, someone who accomplished things I set out to do, but now I just put things off until the elusive and completely unreachable “later.” I’m not sure what happened to me, but I’m guessing it was CHILDREN.
These aren’t fully conscious decisions, to procrastinate. As I’m finishing the whole plate of nachos or the next handful of cookies, I think to myself, “well I better treat myself now, because after the holidays I’m going to start eating healthier.” But since I tell myself this lie every time I eat, it’s become more of a habit rather than a conscious and true goal. It’s not just with food, though, that I do this. It’s with my relationships and my personal goals, too.
I’ve been living behind the weighted veil of having just moved, telling myself that I can’t possibly start making friends or finding a preschool for Carson , or do ANYTHING until we live in our house, until after the holidays, until I have a new cell phone, until the decorations are put away. There’s always an excuse.
My “later” is January 5th, today. It’s by my life’s circumstances that it just so happens to be the beginning of the year that I’ve set this date, rather than the whole New Year’s resolutions thing. I certainly could have chosen any random date, maybe February 8th or April 22nd, but January 5th seemed right.
Of course, January 5th has been peeking around the corner and knowingly pointing at me for months. There has been no reason good enough that I couldn’t have started tackling my to-do list, my personal self-improvements, but it’s almost as if I’ve been wearing concrete boots with my inability to get started.
January 5th is supposed to be my jumping off point. It’s supposed to be, but now that it’s here, I don’t know if I have the energy to start fresh again. I’m tired. I’m scared of what actually DOING something could mean for me. What if I actually have to get off my butt and what if I actually accomplish something?
Today is the day I’ve set to become the new me, the one who is organized, the woman who is seen walking everyday through the neighborhood, the mother who rarely yells at her children. Today I become a more supportive wife, more patient and loving with Tate. Today is the day that I become the writer I want to be, embracing my own voice, and being proud of what I write.
I’ve told myself that January 5th is the day that I’ll pick up the phone, like I’ve had to do too many times before and take that first step in making friends for myself and my kids. My fear of calling people I don’t know will be put on the backburner while I become articulate and funny, even likable.