I never forget to tell my children how much I love them. Every single day, without fail, they are smothered in kisses and wrestled to the ground with mommy bear hugs. In every voice imaginable, I tell them how much they are loved. It is automatic and I do it whether the children have behaved or have told me that dinner was yucky and screamed at me because I had the nerve to put them down for a nap.
Married love is not like this. At least it is not anymore. There was a time that the love was automatic, in the early days when our love was new and I could really feel the weight of our love in my heart and it still filled my stomach with butterflies. I don’t know exactly when it happened, maybe it was before kids, maybe after Carson was born, but I know at some point I started to forget to tell Tate that I loved him, to tell him everyday.
Now those three little words, “I love you,” are said only sporadically, when Tate doesn’t need to right some wrong I’ve imagined or when I’m not too tired. (I’m always too tired.) Married love is not automatic, it is constant work, filled with reminders of patience, reminders that we LOVE each other. There are strings attached.
It doesn’t matter that I don’t want it to be this way. Forgetting to tell Tate that I love him can be likened to forgetting to put ketchup on the grocery list. My mental to do list waits to fulfill this intention, but by the time I see him in the evening, I’ve moved on from the thought of a kind gesture to whining, pants tugging children and dinner boiling over on the stove.
I have to say, I don’t understand this. DH and I have been together for almost 8 years and also have 2 kids (a 6m old and a 4yr old) and even now sometimes we will say “I love you” one right after there other a couple of times in a row without thinking. We often laugh about it because it happens on a daily basis.
I agree that we aren’t exactly the typical couple…but I wonder if there is a deeper issue here that you feel like you really have to struggle to get it out.
One thing is to say I love you even if he did something wrong. Love isn’t about only saying it when the person is “good”. Always say it before bed because you never know if one of you will die in the night of some mysterious reason.
Always say it when one of you leaves the house for the same reason.
Even if you are mad at each other.
I would also suggest a counselor as well. Maybe there is some resentment of being dragged across the country and that is clouding your emotions. Maybe deep down inside where you don’t even realize it you would rather him tell his company NO one time when they ask him to move instead of always jumping. It is typical for us to bury these feelings as a coping mechanism…we always try to rationalize things so we can deal with them better. But that always isn’t the best thing.
Goodness knows my ex kinda destroyed a lot of things for DH (it’s a very long story)…but I have also been seeing an exceptional therapist and she and I have made great strides to make things better between us.
And what is the worst thing that can happen? You see a therapist and nothing comes of it?
*hugs*
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Just for the record, I’m really NOT looking for advice with this post.
I don’t actually think there’s anything “broken” in my marriage, I don’t think we need counseling. The point of the post is really to highlight the fact that marriage is work, particularly hard work with everything life dishes out for us.
I love my husband very, very much. This post is just a reminder that I need to say it more.
Also I guarantee that I’m not the only person whose marriage is sounds like this.
I think most readers will totally GET THIS post. I do and I love my man fiercely. But it is work, and you do get tired, and you do assume that he knows it. And it is important to remember to say it as often as possible. Which I think was your point!
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if you haven’t read this:
http://www.girlsgonechild.net/2009/01/epiblogues-marriage-vs-motherhood.html
and watched the momversation video that goes along with it, you totally should. There are so many differing opinions on this subject. I LOVE this topic
I have seen your marriage. You guys are just fine, normal, happy….. I get what you are saying. It does get easier when the kids get a little bit older and your whole focus isn’t so DEMANDED by small children. Just a light at the end of the tunnel.
Heidi´s lastest post..Wordless Wednesday – Real men don’t run… they fly
Your honesty in this post is breathtaking. Your realization is all you need. Good job writing it, baring it for the world to see.
No, you do not need counseling. We all get caught up in the day-to-day activities…and I’m with you, by the end of the night, all I want to do is veg. and watch reality t.v with no interruptions. He goes his way to unwind, I go mine. It’s just a different dynamic with kids.
BUT….we were just talking about making regular date nights….making time for us. It’s soooo unbelievably hard sometimes…but we do need to take the time to shift the focus to us. You are not alone!
@Leslie Thank you so much for the link. I’d seen the momversation ads, but hadn’t actually clicked on them to see what they were about.
It’s amazing how when I write something, especially when it’s as personal as this, I sort of have this assumption that “oh! everyone is just like me.”
Obviously this is not the case and watching the video and reading the comments at the http://momversation.com site made me realize that there’s a whole other side to the story.
I know the feeling…and you’ve expressed it well. I do it myself far too often. It’s too easy to get annoyed with his eccentricities than to remind myself that I married him for a reason. Thanks the reminder.
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I get this post.
I left 2008 feeling like we weren’t connecting anymore. Opposite ends of the couch at night and ‘relations’ were sporadic. I do manage to say I love you…everyday, mostly because I am deathly afraid of him not coming home.
One of my new years resolutions is MORE Whoopie! I can’t commit to daily whoopie but I am training myself to think about it during the day so that it happens more frequently.
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Marriage is hard work! I have to agree on the importance of setting aside time just with your husband. And it does get easier once the kids are older…..
Thank you for the perspective. I’m going to share this with a friend who is doubting herself and her marriage because she hasn’t said the words or heard the words in months.
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People are so funny with their wild opinions. While this is not something I struggle with personally (*yet* may be a better word), I think it is so understandable and uh…common? Yeah. It is hard to reconnect sometimes when you have little kids and full time jobs and budgets and dirty bathrooms. Times will change. I am sure you guys will be fine through all the transitions.
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Oh,God. I could go on for day son this subject. I’m amazed so many marriages survive the years when the kids are in diapers. I have two that are 18 months apart and it has felt like a strain on my marriage for sure. We have initiated date night and talk openly about how we need to have more sex. I wish I could have a dialogue on my blog about how to revive your sex life after kids, but alas, my father-in-law reads my blog so I’m not comfortable going there. I love my husband deeply and I know he loves me, too. But there is so much work involved in the raising of children that it’s nearly impossible on most days to squeeze in any time to love each other. A slap on the ass in the kitchen has to suffice sometimes. It’s unfortunate one of your commenters doesn’t get this, but I’m pretty sure you’ve touched on a universal nerve for most of us.
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I totally get what you are saying-and I have to say that as the girls got older it got so much easier. Now that they are 14 and nearly 11, they aren’t as dependent on us and hubby and I can focus on each other more. Over the past couple of years our marriage has blossomed!
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I get it!!! I get it! I love my partner deeply… but it is hard work. We love each other, have the same goals, love our son to death… but it is work. Sometimes at night you just want to sit and watch mindless tv, click on the internet and say nothing at all. But, if you do that every night it is probably not the best thing in the world! But anyhoo, after watching Opra.h as of late I know all this is common and that it is just something we all have to keep working on!!!!
I think it’s something every couple with children have to work on.
My hubby and I say I love you a fwe times a day but I worry that it’s just a habit an dnot something we really demonstrate as well as we should…guess there’s always room for improvement.
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i totally get this.
the thrill i feel when my husband texts “i love you” just out of the blue should be proof positive that the words are still needed.
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You’re right. It does take work. Just what KIND of work will differ from one relationship to another.
Annie and I will have been married 32 years on June 25th. When we ride in the car together, we still hold hands. When we have pictures taken in a group, we stand together and hold hands. Every phone conversation (and you have NO IDEA what that means – but that we have free cell to cell calling) ends with “I love you” – and if someone forgets, the other one calls back to make sure it gets said. we always say, “I love, Goodnight”. We always go to bed together – none of this “I’ll be up later” stuff. Not in this family.
What we do is not for everybody. Some people never say, “I love you.” At least, not out loud. In THEIR relationship, that works.
Our relationship thrives on the words – and the deeds that reflect those words.
And even in relationships that don’t need the words – the words still wouldn’t hurt.
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My hubby and I have to work at our marriage and loving and appreciating each other every day. It’s hard work! Especially with kids! It’s awesome you are aware of this and want to make it more “automatic” again!
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I so get this post. This is something I wish I could say I thought about daily, but there are some days I am too exhausted to even think about if I told him I loved him or not. I know he knows I do (and vice versa), but it’s not the same. I have no excuse b/c I do tell my daughter about 30 jillion times a day how much I love her. It’s just different. It’s hard. It’s life.
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I totally get this. I think it is especially hard when your kids are so physically needy and just plain exhusting.
As mine grow a little older and no longer need constant cuddling and nursing, I find I have more interest in cuddlinng up with my husabnd again. Or maybe it is just the fact that it is damn cold here.
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I totally know what you mean…And this is why at CASA Mrs. Mommy we have instated a rule…My hubs come home from work and comes up to me..Puts his arms around me and says how was your day? This helps us to focus on me and him if only for a second…usually its when I am cooking dinner and its not always welcome depending on my mood..But it really helps..And always ends with an I LOVE YOU. HUGS
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we all need more time away from our children. i swear!!! time to reconnect with spouse is so important each DAY! just get back into practice. Just ride that bike.
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thanks for such a great reminder.
you’re so right.
mpotter´s lastest post..nothing to see here
Marriage IS work. Hard work that comes with great reward.
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Oh I totally get it. Hubby and I have been together for almost 8 years and it’s bloody hard work. I can’t believe no one warned me ahead of time.
There are days when I wonder if it’s worth the work, and then are days when I can’t imagine life without him.
I with ya…I get it….
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I hear you on this…great post, great picture!
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How right you are. I notice especially that I tuck the kids in bed and kiss them good night, and if for some reason I don’t do this I’m unsettled all night. But – by the time I go to bed, my husband’s already asleep, so no kiss goodnight for him.
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It has to be intentional sometimes, you are right. Kids are so needy, they really do pull your focus away. My hubby never gets home before 7 in the evenings, many nights, by that time, I’ve got nothing left to give.
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Thank you for this post. I’m stepping away from the computer NOW to give my fiance’ my full and loving attention. I think many of us need the reminder sometimes. It IS hard work.
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It is also hard for the ‘I love you’s to not become automatic (like the first commentor with her ‘we always say I love you when leaving the house’) and to actually exclaim it like way back when all you had to worry about was what to wear and when you were going to see each other again.
Love is hard. I am guilty of not working on it.
Thanks for this post babe, it is a good reminder for all of us.
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I have been thinking precisely the same thing of late. We’re currently in one of those waning phases where we’ve got failure-to-connect going on. And, yet, every night as I put kids to bed, I tell them how much I love and adore them. As my husband and I go to sleep, it’s left unsaid. Which seems downright silly to me as I type this.
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Marriage is hard work. But looking at the photo of the both of you … it’s written on your faces.
Maybe you could write it on your mirror with a whiteboard marker. My current note to myself and my family is: “The most important thing you put on each day is your attitude. How is it looking today?” Just knowing I’ve written it there reminds me to keep an eye on it. Just a suggestion …
I totally GET this post. Totally.
You don’t need a counselor, you just need to check in on your relationship every now and then because it can get lost in the hard work of raising kids. Noticing that it is missing is a good step.
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sweet photo and great post. my marriage takes effort and work and I love my husband very much! And I too, don’t nearly say it enough.
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Marriage definitely IS something that gets taken for granted. Hence the higher divorce rates…
(Not saying that’s what you’re talking about, though)
But marriage definitely canNOT be taken for granted if one wants it to continue. Even a day of ignoring the other person’s needs takes its toll on my marriage. But we never leave without a hug or kiss, and always say I love you whenever we say goodbye. Always. You never know when the last time you say goodbye will be.
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Dear Jen,
What you really need to do is…
Ok I’m so kidding. I absolutely get this post. Marriage is work. One minute you’re in the mist of bliss and then the next it’s more of a struggle to play nice. It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other but , ya know.
Wait a minute of course you do…you wrote the post
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I’m sorry so many people feel the need to tell you to seek counseling or how their marriage works like xyz. I totally get what you are saying. And, I fully agree. There is a bit of a shift when it comes to love. And, love is not a pie – you can’t divide it perfectly.
I can relate so much to this post. It’s so much work, and our I Love Yous definitely fall to the wayside of habit and exhaustion.
On the flipside, sometimes I like to think our kida are just little packeged up I Love Yous running aournd. Like a tangle form of the words we can’t seem to find time to say.
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Can I get an AMEN?!
Forgive me, um, mother, for I have sinned.
I could have written this post. Word for word. I do love my husband, but there are times like the last few months, that I don’t like him very much. Hmm, maybe I better work on getting that LIKING feeling back…
this is exactly what people mean when they say “marriage is hard work.” it’s everyday. it’s every moment of every day.
and if it’s worth it, no one should mind how hard you have to work at it. Theoretically, at any rate.
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A lovely post and a lovely photo. My husband and I don’t say it enough. Actually he doesn’t say it at all. But he is a man of action…and I know without the words. The coffee made in the morning, bringing diner home when I am sick, telling the kids to be quiet so mommy can sleep in on the weekends, putting gas in my car, filling my wallet with money (I haven’t been to an ATM in 10 yrs)…all of these things SHOW me I am loved.
But we should say it more. I am going to right now.
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Marriage is hard work. It ebbs and it flows. There are good time and bad times. There are times when you are consumed with little ones and then you can refocus on each other. I think the key point (and you’ve got it) is to never lose that desire to refocus.
We probably had the most difficult time in our marriage at the 7-year-mark (ironically!) when I was pregnant with my second daughter and our first was 2. Not a really good point at all. But things are much better now.
I totally get this post…well said Jennifer!
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Beautifully said, Jennifer. Just beautiful. I always feel bad that my husband is often at the end of my “to do” list (yes, the pun was totally intended).
Very well put. How true it is!
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I feel that way about the hugs. I give my kids so many during the day that by the time my husband comes home, I just forget.
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I think your post definitely reminds us to tell ALL of our loved ones how much they mean to us as often as we can. THANK YOU!
My husband and I say this every day, but sometimes it’s just out of habit. We love each other, we would be miserable without each other, but there are days it’s hard to keep my eyes open long enough to spend a few minutes with him after he gets home from work.
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I hear ya, sister! Its so easy to *not* do the little things, but ohsoimportant!
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